By Mark Levy and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 2/22/2017 at 3:30 PM
Ramallah: The satire community of the Levant is in a state of chaos today as a prominent Palestinian blog made very serious accusations against the Daily Freier. The Daily Majnoon is a satirical site out of Ramallah that pokes gentle fun at the big things and little things in life. Famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters sometimes guest writes for them. Hanin Zoabi also writes a weekly column when she is not out sailing. The Daily Majnoon also serves as a sign of a thriving Palestinian civil society, for just as the Daily Freier feels free to mock Israeli leaders like Netanyahu, the Daily Majnoon also feels free to mock Israeli leaders like Netanyahu. Only in Arabic and stuff. The Daily Majnoon held a press conference in Ramallah this morning where they described this whole Naqba of a controversy.
The Daily Majnoon’s Web Administrator, Yusuf B., who goes by the username “Stillnotover1948“, explained their plight to the assembled journalists. “We are indigenous to this bandwidth, and have operated this website for thousands of years. And as proof I present to you these underwear labels, a set of keys to a file cabinet, and a menu from a hummus restaurant in Umm El Fahm.”
A journalist from the New York Times asked Yusuf if he would accept a deal where the Daily Freier gave up part of its bandwidth to the Daily Majnoon. Yusuf said he would accept such a deal, but would still retain the right of return to direct web traffic from the Daily Freier to the Daily Majnoon.
Reaction to the accusation was swift, with Haaretz writing a scathing editorial accusing the Daily Freier of Land bandwidth theft, cultural appropriation, ethnocentrism, and mansplaining. The editorial was read by thousands of people in Haaretz’s worldwide English edition, and as many as 27 people in its Israeli Hebrew edition.
In the spirit of compromise and good faith, the Daily Freier offered to help the Daily Majnoon find a suitable workspace where they could truly expand their operations. In Atarim Square.
When the Lefty-But-Totally-Not-Bonkers Tel Aviv Blog “+972” heard of the Daily Majnoon’s plight, they offered to give the Daily Majnoon two-thirds of +972’s bandwidth.
The Daily Freier extends a sincere Congratulations to Roger Waters and Rula Jebreal on their couplehood. Pink Floyd legend Roger Waters, a vocal critic of Israel, is dating Palestinian journalist and author Rula Jebreal after divorcing his fourth wife.
The Daily Freier asks our readers not to submit tasteless jokes on whether he dresses up in an old IDF uniform when they role play “Checkpoint“. The Daily Freier will also maintain a strict policy of not allowing our readers to speculate about the use of the words “Occupation“, “Territory” or “Colonization” vis-a-vis any intimate relationships they may or may not engage in. Finally, the Daily Freier will not countenance any reference to “Laying Pipe at the Gates of Dawn”
Although we hope Roger appreciates the irony that he uprooted and displaced a Jew.……
(Photo Credit: Our Friends at the Ezzedeen Al-Qassam Brigades)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 5/12/2016 at 10:00 AM
New Haven: Renowned linguist of Semitic languages Carlton Howe made a fascinating discovery earlier today. Using a combination of texts, recorded speech, and other media, Dr. Howe managed to decipher that the meaning of the Arabic term “Naqba” was actually “Sorry We Didn’t Push You into the Sea“. Dr. Howe explained his findings to the Daily Freier.
“Languages contain nuance and hidden meaning.” explained Dr. Howe as we sipped tea in his study. “Which makes the role of a scholar so truly exciting. So previous scholars stated that ‘Naqba’ means ‘disaster’. But that is simply not the case. By comparing historical texts in Arabic to contemporary speeches and poems, I was able to determine the true meaning of this term. I don’t think I am being a Gasconading Academic when I tell you that this is a true “Rosetta Stone” moment. And by ‘Rosetta Stone’ I don’t mean those goofy language videos that you check out of the library.”
News of Dr. Howe’s findings spread quickly throughout academia, with some of his department rivals challenging his findings by stating that ‘Al Naqba” actually means “Please don’t hold us responsible for our actions“, or “I demand a Do-Over” or even possibly “Next time we will get it right“.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/3/2015 at 7:30 PM
Jerusalem: The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Middle East (UNRWA) has created a hot new version of the popular Facebook game Farmville. The new game, “Naqbaville” was designed so that UNRWA’s teachers and other employees have something to do on Facebook when they are not posting over the top cartoons portraying Jews in not-so-nice ways. The Daily Freier caught up with UNRWA Spokesman Chris Gunness, who took us to the UNRWA Game Design Center to look at an exciting online Naqbaville tournament in progress.
“So you’ll see that Player One just lost a turn. It appears that a swarthy hooked-nosed man with sidelocks poisoned his well water at night. So Player One will have to sit out this round“. Mr. Gunness then turned his attention to Player Two: “Oh no! There’s a Jew hiding in his fields, but don’t worry, the trees and rocks call will call out to him: ‘Brother, there’s a Jew behind me, come and kill him!’ . Chris noted the efforts UNRWA made to ensure the game’s authenticity. “We actually pulled that last quote right out of the Hamas Charter; it took our legal team a day or two for permission, but we promised them free copies of the game and it was totally chill.”
While the game has just hit the streets, Mr. Gunness is confident of its success “Naqbaville is not yet really big, but pretty soon we expect it to really just explode…..The game I mean.”
Despite the initial excitement, there has been some dispute from a few disgruntled customers who felt the game wasn’t quite violent enough against Jews. Yet at this point UNRWA cannot provide refunds. ”Unfortunately all sales are final. You don’t have a right of return.” Chris then paused for a moment in thought and added “……of this product.”
Despite being a very helpful and gracious host, Mr. Gunness made absolutely zero effort in helping The Daily Freier to become the official satirists for Hamas.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 5/20/2015 at 7:30 PM
Ramat Aviv: Today outside of Tel Aviv University, Arab students held a protest in observance of Naqba Day (‘The Catastrophe’), mourning the creation of the State of Israel. Student leader Firaz A. stated “We see the creation of the so-called State of Israel and our dispossession as an injustice, and for this reason, I refuse to accept that I can pay the discounted rate of 8,000 Shekels ($2,000) tuition as an Israeli citizen. I insist on paying the full foreign rate, as this regime was created in sin. Therefore, I am presenting the University Bursar with 52,000 Shekels in cash ($13,000). I refuse to derive any benefit from this criminal enterprise known as ‘Israel”“.
Fellow student Maryam N. was equally adamant: “Not only will I refuse to pay tuition at the discounted rate, but henceforth I refuse to be treated in free ‘Israeli’ government healthcare facilities. From now on it’s strictly private doctors who take cash.” When the Daily Freier asked Maryam if paying more for her education might be an economic hardship, she replied “Yes it will be difficult for me and my family, but I must stay intellectually honest to my cause. After all, if I gained benefits from a regime that I despise, that would make me a bit of a hypocrite, wouldn’t it?“