Category: Beaches of Tel Aviv

Beaches of Tel Aviv, Start Up Nation March 7, 2021October 19, 2021

Miracle: Overflowing Sewage drives Oil Spill from Tel Aviv Beaches

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/7/2021 at 3:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Charles Clore Beach: Residents are calling it a modern miracle, as untreated sewage has chased the recent oil spill away from Tel Aviv’s beaches.

A few weeks back a bunch of oil started washing up on Israel’s shores, hurting wildlife and closing the beaches. Nobody knows exactly how it happened, but if you think that’s going to stop an Israeli politician from pontificating on something, well Boker Tov. Environmental Protection Minister Gila Gamliel decided that this would be a good time to publicize her personal Fauda Fan Fiction Blog, and blamed Iran for the oil spill because why not? Anyhoo, the oil spill was doing serious damage until Thursday night. You see, Tel Aviv’s sewage treatment system works amazingly well except for extremely rare events…. like whenever it rains a bit, and then a whole bunch of untreated sewage flows into the sea.

And that’s where the miracle happens. Sensing a violation of our sovereignty, the patriotic untreated sewage attacked the oil spill, forcing it to retreat toward Lebanon, which naturally submitted a UN resolution condemning Israel (OK, this part is actually true). Reaction from Israel’s streets was immediate.

“I always knew our poorly maintained municipal infrastructure would save us.” noted Yafo-based musician Assaf K. “Am Yisrael Chai.“

“This reminds us of the importance of not doing anything to fix our problems!” enthused Alert Local Ronit S. as she walked past a storm drain blocked by debris. “Imagine what would have happened to us if we had actually planned ahead?“

The Daily Freier looks forward to the Oil Spill writing an Op-Ed for Haaretz next week where it blames its departure from Israel on The Occupation.

Beaches of Tel Aviv, Dating and Relationships July 2, 2017July 2, 2017

Guy that saw you get stung by jellyfish really really wants to pee on you now

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/2/2017 at 2:15 PM

Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Ouch that really stings! OMG this really really hurts! Jellyfish I hate you! I really really hate you! But wait, there’s a guy waving at you from the shore and it looks like he wants to help you. Only in Israel!

So he’s looking at the sting on your arm. This really really hurts! But he said he can make the pain away. By peeing on the sting. Wait what? And what is it about this City and Pee?

But you’ve heard about this before. I mean, it sounds familiar. Just happy that he was able to respond so quickly to help you. Like, really really quickly. But what’s with the binoculars around his neck? Almost like he was scanning the beach. And why does he need TWO water bottles? I mean, we all need to stay hydrated. But he seems, like, really really hydrated.

So he’s telling you that he needs to pee on the wound. Right. Now….. But wait. The lifeguard is coming over to you. And this Good Samaritan Dude is not happy about this at all. So the lifeguard just sprayed some vinegar on your arm. Wow that feels really good! But Mister Pee just stormed off in a huff.

Wait. Now he’s scanning the ocean with his binoculars. OMG somebody in the water just screamed that they got stung. And now he’s running into the surf and waving at her.

Welcome to Israel.

Beaches of Tel Aviv, Guest Writer Wednesday July 27, 2016August 12, 2016

Russian Tourists become accidental face of Tel Aviv’s newest Gay Club

(Photo Credit: Flickr)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/26/2016 at 8:30 AM

Tel Aviv: The media is thrilled and the gay community is excited – a brand-new gay club will open on Rothschild Boulevard this Thursday. The revolutionary and rebellious concept of the new club is “Be Real”: a club for members of the gay community who are tired of trying to be flawless.

“There is too much pressure on gays in Tel Aviv.” explained Motti, one of the 26 promoters of the club.“ You have to be fit, and tan, and waxed, and eyebrows on fleek. This causes anxiety and protein shake disorders. On the other hand, we want to be unbound and appearance-friendly for everyone”.

We accompanied the “Be Real” team as they went to the beach to take photographs for their website and promotional posters. The photographers Ori and Tzachi looked confused and lost because everyone indeed looked so handsome and fabulous, when all of a sudden they saw two Russian tourists emerging from the water. Ori enthused “They’re 110 Kilos but wearing these tiny little speedos. But they look so real…. or maybe just sunburned and hung over.” Both photographers ran toward the tourists to take some sneak pictures of their modern-day heroes. Tzachi and Ori came back very encouraged, and shared their theories.

– This one used to be Twink, but he looks more like a straight man now.
– That one is more of a Bear, but in a subtle way, if you know what I mean.

The Daily Freier is not always up to speed with all of the terminology to hold this conversation, so we decided to talk to the tourists ourselves. Unfortunately, the newfound celebrities barely spoke English, and we only understood that their wives were meeting them for a mid-day bowl of borscht.

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Beaches of Tel Aviv, HaTzarfatim July 21, 2016July 21, 2016

How to Tan like the French!

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mia Deych, with Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/21/2016 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: If you’ve ever heard of the French diet also known as the ‘French paradox’ (the observation of low coronary heart disease (CHD) death rates despite high intake of dietary cholesterol and saturated fat – This phrase was copy/pasted. Thank you, Google), you are probably aware of how many contradictions and how much mystery there is about the French.

Typical Tzarfatim are easily spotted in Tel Aviv, neither because they are cooing in French, nor because men’s hair is perfectly messy and women’s outfits are out-of-this-world trendy, but rather because they are unbelievably TAN. By that we mean not just a “I’ve been to the beach a lot” tan, but a very specific shade of brown with a hint of clove and a whiff of cherries and black currants. We would even call this colour ‘Burgundy‘, but we are not French, so we don’t dare.

So how does one achieve this branded shade? The Daily Freier compiled a list of “Do’s and Don’ts“.

Do’s:

1. Hang out with French people, eat at French-owned restaurants, and buy French products.

2. Become fashionably religious, keep traditions strictly (like Kashrut or Shabbat), but do it gracefully.

3. Keep on being slightly condescending, but add a solid touch of the Israeli chutzpah.

4. Be very proud of being French, but insist on speaking solely in Hebrew with all non-French people.

5. Spend a lot (read: “all“) of your time at Lala-Land Restaurant on Frischman Beach.

6. The corner of Bograshov and Ben Yehuda is the new Center of your Universe.

Don’ts:

1. Don’t even try to do everything above. You do not have the panache to make this work.

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De mes plus sincères salutations,

Mia Deych

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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.