Buenos Aires: When news broke last week that Argentine authorities had apprehended a pair of Iranians traveling on Israeli passports, the news at first focused on the fact that the Hebrew in the forgeries was so hilariously bad that they could be spotted by an Anglo Oleh. Yet according to published reports, the amateur quality of the passports was not the reason for their arrest. Rather, alert Argentine law enforcement officers became suspicious after the suspects displayed behaviors that did not add up to their cover story of being Israeli tourists. And when a subsequent drug test of the suspects proved negative for Ecstasy and cannabis, Argentine authorities detained the pair. The Daily Freier traveled to Buenos Aires to get all the facts.
“When they said they weren’t on their way to an illegal rave in a national park or archeological site, that was when I first became suspicious.” explained Lieutenant Esteban C., an officer with the Argentina Border and Customs Department. “Then I asked ‘Netanel’ where he worked and he mentioned a real job and not some sort of ridiculous start-up. Also, at no point did ‘Rivka’ try to get me to sublet her Tel Aviv apartment during Eurovision.”
With Lieutenant Esteban’s suspicions raised, authorities contacted the hostel the pair had stayed at, and learned of even more strange behavior. The hostel manager, a British expat named Richard, explained his suspicions. “So the bloke claimed to be a certified scuba instructor.” explained Richard. “Yet when these two really pretty Norwegian birds asked him to teach them how to dive, he refused and claimed that he was really busy. But that’s not all. After they checked out, we searched their room and none of the towels were missing.”
Argentine authorities then forced the pair to take a drug test, with both testing negative for Ecstasy, Cannabis, and Bamba. Subsequent calls to the Iranian Mission to the United Nations in New York asking them if they planned to keep writing Daily Freier stories for us went unanswered.
London, Islington: UK Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn is speaking out forcefully after getting totally bustedallegations surfaced that he attended a cemetery memorial service in Tunisia for the Black September terrorists who murdered 11 Israelis athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympic games.
“It looked for all the world like a Gardening Allotment, not unlike my very own patch of lettuce, radishes, and endive right here in Islington.” Mr. Corby explained at his local cafe as he busied himself with a red pen, striking through various sections of the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance’s working definition of Anti-Semitism. “Although it was a bit odd that their allotment had little more than grass and flowers. And a lot of stones with writing on them. Aren’t different cultures simply fascinating?”
While taking Mr. Corbyn at his word, The Daily Freier asked Jezz just why he would attend any kind of event with Black September members, but he was adamant that the whole thing was just a giant misunderstanding. “Black September? That sounds like one of the lesser-known Bank Holidays. Or a weekend festival in Cornwall. Or possibly a Folk Music Trio from the East Midlands.” Jeremy stared into space for a moment and then wondered out loud, “How is it that this strange series of unfortunate events keep occurring around me?”
Yitzhak Rabin: So when the C-130 lands, Team One rushes the terminal and neutralizes the terrorists while Team Two peels off and destroys the Ugandan MiG-21’s. Can your men handle this Yoni?
Yonatan Netanyahu: Yes, Mister Prime Minister.
[A voice calls out from the corner. A man wearing Birkenstocks and a “Breaking the Silence” t-shirt stands up.]
Man: Excuse me, but if I could interject for a moment. Who is going to dialogue with the militants about deradicalization and counteracting the alienation endemic among those dispossessed by post-modernism?
Rabin: Nu? Who the hell are you?
Man: I am outgoing European Union Ambassador to Israel Lars Faaborg-Andersen, and Israel has much to learn from the European Union when it comes to fighting terror. [REAL WORLD NOTE: He actually said this.]
There is a story sending shock waves throughout the International Community today. Specifically, it appears that the folks who brought us the airline hijacking and the suicide bomber……. you may want to sit down for this one …….. well it appears that they really dislike metal detectors. Once again, the people who brought us the Munich Olympics massacre, the Entebbe Hijacking, and the Sbarro bombing……. are violently opposed to measures that may have prevented……. the Munich Olympics massacre, the Entebbe Hijacking, and the Sbarro bombing. The Daily Freier wandered around Jerusalem trying to make sense of it all.
Jewish visitors to the Temple Mount are in a state of confusion and disarray. Robbed of their traditional escorts from the Muslim Wakf, the Jews wander aimlessly, bereft of the comfort of a bunch of angry men yelling at them not to pray. The Wakf, employed by our friends the Jordanians, normally keep a sharp eye out for the dangerous act of Jews praying (Stopping gun smugglers? Not so much). However, the Wakf has been on strike ever since Israel installed metal detectors, which was a totally unprovoked violation of the “status quo” for no good reason except, like, last Friday three Arabs smuggled guns onto the Temple Mount and used them to murder Israeli policemen. The Daily Freier spoke with an impassioned Wakf spokesman named Fares as he stood by the Lion’s Gate.
Meanwhile, “Israeli” Arab politician Ayman Odeh also denounced Israel’s response. Odeh, who is a lot like Hanin Zoabi except not as interesting, warned that Israel’s actions may lead to another Intifada. Because, you know, the first two Intifadas worked out so well for the Palestinians.
Anyhoo, the Jewish visitors are a bit lost without the Wakf’s helpful hectoring.
“I just don’t know what to do!” complained a disoriented guy named Noam. “How am I supposed to enjoy the Holiest site in my religion without some Jordanian hack barking orders at me?”
“This just doesn’t feel right.” sighed a concerned woman named Devorah. “It’s all so strange. Nobody is chanting in my ear or waving a book at me. I don’t feel safe.”
The poor morale notwithstanding, the Daily Freier managed to find a little happiness, as a Jewish couple had just arrived in order to get married on the Temple Mount. Inspired by last week’s secret wedding there, a Dati Leumi (religious-Zionist) couple named Esther and Avi prepared for their ceremony, surrounded by a dozen happy guests.
An excited Esther shared her story with the Daily Freier “Avi always said that he really really wants to get married but that we should wait until we can do it on the Temple Mount. We have waited so long but now we are going to get married!!! I thought this day would never come!”
“Neither did I” shared a visibly distraught and distracted Avi.
Esther shot a glance at Avi and continued. “All of the girls from Sem have these A-Ma-Zing wedding stories. But guess what? My story is going to be better! Har Ha Bayt! How do you like them apples Miriam? A wedding on the Kinneret, Shayna? That’s nice I guess. But I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome my wedding is going to be!”
A now-sweating Avi interjected. “Maybe we should play it safe, you know, wait for a statement from King Abdullah later this week. After all, we can never be TOO careful.”
Esther glanced at Avi again and continued. “Avi and I are so excited! Nothing can spoil this special moment. Nothing!”
Avi peered into the far distance. “Wait, is that the Wakf police walking toward us?” he asked in a strangely hopeful tone of voice.
Esther stared at Avi and then handed us her iPhone. “Hey can you take a picture of us? I want to send it to OnlySimchas!”
Despite the absence of the Wakf to help Jews better understand their holiest site, our friends the Jordanians found other ways to reach out…..by holding a moment of silence for the killers in their Lower house of Parliament (The Daily Freier’s ADHD must be kicking in because we missed their moment of silence for the Druze police officers shot in the back by the three Israeli Arabs Temporary-Residents-of-Canaan-with-Israeli-ID-Cards from Umm El Fahm). The speaker of the Jordanian Parliament explained:
“We pull off stupid stunts like this because We Know that You Know that no matter how obnoxious we act, whatever replaces the Hashemite Kingdom would be far, far worse. So thanks for putting up with our petty bullshit. And big shout-out to the IDF for continuing to prop up our ancient kingdom that was started 95 years ago by a family of transplants from Mecca who cut a side deal with the British, screwed over the Ottomans, and got kicked out by the Saudis. Again, as much as we suck, whoever takes over from us will suck more. Please excuse us while we throw a party for a Jordanian soldier who murdered Jewish schoolgirls on a field trip in 1997.”
HADARIM PRISON, IsraelCorcoran Prison, California— Having spent the last 1547 years in an Israeli Amerikan prison, I have been both a witness to and a victim of Israel’s Amerika’s illegal system of mass arbitrary arrests and ill-treatment of Palestinian prisonersthe people, man. The people. After exhausting all other options, I decided there was no choice but to resist these abuses by going on a hunger strike.
Chicago: Electronic Intifada says that they don’t have all the details about tomorrow’s suicide bomber, but they are “like totally positive” that he will definitely not commit his act in the name of a certain monotheism. “This guy is not a Jihadist.” explained Electronic Intifada editor Ali Abunimah “C’mon, he drank in college. What kind of extremist does that? Really, I mean calling this terror is just Hate Speech.” Ali shifted in his seat slowly and looked into the distance. “I mean, like, if this thing actually goes down tomorrow”
Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Local resident Dan G. doesn’t like to be called a hero. But his steadfast refusal to let the current wave of terror change his way of life just might make him one. Dan is not about to let the terrorists win, and he demonstrates this by maintaining the same daily activities he has always maintained: being a complete dick to any and all he comes into contact with in this great city. The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along with Dan as he went about his day.
We met Dan outside his apartment building in the Kikar Rabin neighborhood, as he parked his car up onto the sidewalk, blocking the route for pedestrians but providing him a mere 10 meter walk to his front door. As Dan got out of the car with his dog, he described his philosophy. “The terrorists want to destroy my way of life. But I won’t let them.” explained Dan as his dog defecated on the sidewalk and we continued to walk without stopping. The Daily Freier followed Dan as he stopped by his local post office to mail a parcel. “The most important thing we can do is just maintain our routine. You know, live our life.” explained Dan as he strode past the ticket machine and several customers clutching tickets and walked right up and handed his package to a postal employee. “I just feel that this is my contribution.” said Dan as he checked the Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” and wrote some pretty inappropriate stuff on a post from an attractive Spanish girl asking for help finding a roommate. We then followed Dan to a bus stop for the Number 25 bus, as he sidestepped the line, got on the bus and kicked his feet up on the seat in front of him. The Daily Freier then followed Dan to his favorite bar where we enjoyed beers while he explained his personal code of conduct. “My philosophy is just to keep being yourself in tough times.” When the Daily Freier got back from the bathroom, Dan was gone and we ended up paying the bar tab ourselves.
Jerusalem: Ahmed Manasrah is pretty upset. Last week when he and his cousin stabbed two Jews, including a 13 year old kid on a bicycle, he was pretty sure he was on a one way ticket to a paradise full of hot chicks with large eyes and firm breasts just for him. But now he’s woken up in what looks for all intents and purposes like an Israeli hospital. And worse, it’s crawling with Jews. “This it total bullshit.” fumed an annoyed Ahmed. “According to my timeline, I should have gotten at least to second base by now with one of those chicks they promised me. But no. I mean, one of the nurses is kinda pretty, but she’s really bossy and always tells me what to do. ‘Go to bed, time to eat, time to go to the bathroom.’ This just sucks.”
When asked by the Daily Freier if maybe he is in fact still alive and staying in a Jerusalem hospital, Ahmed was emphatic. “Nonsense! President Abbas says that I am dead. And he never lies about anything!”
Ahmed continued his rant; “This place totally blows. It’s like I died and went to Jew Heaven.” While Ahmed holds out hope that things will turn around, the head nurse just stopped by to tell him that the only virgins in the building are the guys in the basement Tech Support/IT office who play World of Warcraft. And there’s only five of them.
(Editor’s Note: We don’t really think that Joan Rivers is going to Hell, but this was too good a story to ignore. Plus we hope she would have liked it. We also know that Jews aren’t really big on the whole “Hell” concept, which is a good thing because members of the Daily Freier Staff may or may not have been blogging on Shabbes. But if there is a Hell we hope that Bin Laden is forced to attend an eternal synagogue board meeting debating the time and location of next month’s Sisterhood Rummage Sale……)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 9/6/2014 at 10:30 AM
Gehenna: A Spokesperson for The Deceiver of Men confirmed today that because of a very public blow-up involving the late Al Qaeda mastermind Osama Bin Laden, Ms. Joan Rivers was no longer welcome in Hell and has been asked to vacate the premises no later than Midnight, 7 September, Hell Central Time. The incident occurred at Hell’s Starbucks [Editor: OF COURSE Hell has a Starbucks] yesterday afternoon, mere hours after Joan River’s passing from this plane of existence. According to bystanders, a very public argument broke out moments after the outspoken Jewish comedienne entered the shop to find Mr. Bin Laden sitting with several of his wives drinking pumpkin-spice blend.
Rivers: Fancy meeting you here, you big putz!
Bin Laden: You are a shameless Jewish whore!
Rivers: Tell me something I don’t know; I sold bracelets on QVC that said the same thing…..(Turning to a very young looking wife of Bin Laden) Honey, how old are you? Don’t you have a curfew? (Turning back to Bin Laden) Hey Osama Bin Amber Alert, where did you meet this one, during recess?
Bin Laden: You cannot talk to me like that! I led the confrontation with the Great Satan! I made your nation quake! I…
Rivers: (Interrupting) And you died watching porn in a shithole so disgusting I wouldn’t let my dog pee there. (Lighting a Cigarette, looking Bin Laden in the eye)…. Bubelleh, I’m just getting started with you…..
Starbucks Employee: Excuse me Ms. Rivers, But the 7th Circle Starbucks has a strict No Smoking Policy [Editor: OF COURSE Hell enforces No Smoking Rules]
Rivers:Don’t tell me about your stupid No Smoking rules! I’m f–ing dead! Do you think I give a…….[The Employee Runs Away]
Bin Laden: [Getting Up, turning to his wives] We are leaving!
Rivers: Your beard makes you look like a low-rent Wolfman Jack! [She starts handing out business cards to Bin Laden’s wives] Listen up ladies—whenever you want to leave this loser, I know the best divorce lawyer in Hell [Editor: And there are quite a few of them down there]. You’re each entitled to half his shit. Which is 50% plus 50% plus 50% plus 50%,which equals…..forget it, let me go ask my sheister accountant….
It was at this point when Hell’s Mall Security escorted Ms. Rivers from the premises and presented her with a Persona Non Grata Order. When contacted, Ms. Rivers’ publicist noted that she currently has no plans post-Hell, but she may do a week of shows in Vegas.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.