Washington: The Dow Jones Industrial Average continued its free-fall today after President Donald Trump tweeted a series of increasingly personal attacks against the Corona Virus. The trouble began yesterday afternoon when Mr. Trump rehashed his complicated history with the virus dating back to his time on the hit TV show “The Apprentice” before becoming President.
Mr. Trump sent a tweet from his infamous “Trump Yeshiva” account describing the President’s long-time feud with the microscopic entity currently wreaking havoc to the world. “Corona BEGGED me to be on The Apprentice, but I said No. Why? NO CLASS!” The President followed up with a second tweet minutes later. “People are telling me that Corona gained a LOT of weight. A Real Fatso. Gross!”
Yet it was President Trump’s final tweet against Corona that caused the S&P 500 Index to lose 10% of its value in a mere 15 minutes of volatile trading. “Corona is a tough guy because he was quarantined. I like organisms that weren’t quarantined.“
Markets rebounded slightly in the late afternoon upon news that President Trump was about to re-open his feud with Rosie O’Donnell.
The Sea of Tranquility: The Moon has pleaded for UN intervention after it was slapped with harsh sanctions by Donald Trump for its failure to show over North America.
Visible across most of the world apart from the Western Hemisphere, the longest lunar eclipse did not turn red over Washington…. but Mr. Trump did, tweeting: “There’ll be NO more manned NASA flights, no investment in Crescent Moon Towers and I’m pulling the Ambassador. I’ll give them Star Wars.”
After this Close Encounter of The Trump Kind, the Moon told the UN: “This is blatant discrimination with no sanctions imposed on other orbiting Celestial Bodies.”
But Donald hit back: “I’ve had enough of solar systems taking advantage of America for too long and jobs going to extraterrestrials. It started years ago with Saturn running rings around us. Then we found out that Pluto isn’t even a real planet. Well, enough. I won’t change my (Nep)tune or be made to look like Ur anus. #MAGA!”
“We just wanted to show President Trump how much we appreciated his courage.” explained City Manager Yoni C. “And what better way to honor Mr. Trump than to name our little town after that word he accidentally invented on Twitter last Spring.”
Qom: Iran’s economy is reeling after news that the Trump Administration will not renew the amazingly-successful-not-at-all-a-suckers-bet Iran Nuclear Deal. The Iran deal, seen as the centerpiece of Barack Obama’s legacy, has now been turned over to Congress for approval or disapproval, thus imperiling Iran’s weekly access to John Kerry’s lunch money. The Daily Freier spoke with Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammed Javad Zarif, who agreed to speak with us “even though you’re calling from the Zionist Entity“.
“I cannot understand such a betrayal.” lamented Minister Zarif. “We had a deal. I considered John a friend. I mean, Just last week I sold him a very nice Persian rug for a very, very good price….. a price reserved only for close friends. Mister Kerry was supposed to drop off his lunch money tomorrow. How could this happen?”
Former Secretary of State Kerry was equally upset. “I find it particularly galling, the lack of nuance and appreciation for the diplomatic process in the Trump Administration. Just last week I was discussing the merits of the Iran deal at the Brookings Institute. And now it’s in grave danger. Worst of all, now that I don’t have a weekly appointment to wash Zarif’s car, my schedule is in tatters.”
As the interview drew to a close, Secretary Kerry had one more question. “The Daily Freier, eh? I find your newspaper’s name fascinating. Just what is a “Freier” anyway?“
Selichot. What an amazing time of year. Just amazing. Praying for forgiveness from transgressions. So much transgressions. You guys had so much transgressions that you actually got bored of transgressions! You said “Please! No more transgressions! We’re tired of transgressions!” Anyways, like I said, just some amazing, amazing prayers. The best prayers. Just the best. Incredible prayers. And the Kavana. Just incredible Kavana. Believe me, no complaints about the Kavana.
But what exactly did all these people do that they need all this Selichot? Great question. Great, great question. So let’s start with the people who transgressed against me. Because, believe me, nobody has been transgressed against more than I have. Let’s go down the list.
Billy Bush. He should ask Selichot just for being a dumbass and not destroying the Access Hollywood tapes. I mean, why keep a record of this Locker Room talk? Know what I mean? Then again, he’s out of a job now and I’m not. So no harm no foul. Come to think of it, he’s the second Bush who was out of a job in 2016 because of me. Funny how that happens.
Paul Ryan. Oh boy. This guy needs some serious Selichot. No loyalty. Sad. Very, Very Sad. Who knows, maybe he can ask his buddy Mitt Romney for some Selichot or something. Next.
Dennis Rodman’s pal. What his name. Kim Jong Whatever. Rocket Man. I don’t know, maybe he could ask for Selichot with a side of kimchi. Next.
William Kristol. I hear that he asked for Selichot in the Weekly Standard, but because nobody reads that site anymore, it didn’t count. Next.
Comey. Yeah. Comey, Comey, Comey. Maybe he can ask his detectives if they found any Selichot when they wiretapped Trump Tower. Because up until now, all they’ve discovered is covfefe
Anthony Weiner. Wow. You know I had that guy’s number from Day One, right? Just a sick, sick guy. How he pulled a dime piece like Huma is beyond me. So maybe we can buy him some Selichot from the prison commissary. But you know what? Gotta admit. I owe that guy. And his Internet history. On Huma’s laptop. That they found in October. The week before the election. So you know what Anthony? Me and you are cool.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that a lot of you need Selichot. So stop by Trump Yeshiva for some help with your Selichot, maybe a drosh. If you stop by during the month of September, we will even throw in a case of Trump Steaks. Chag Sameah Bitches.
Washington DC: In light of the G-20 summit, The Donald has just been called by The Theresa. And naturally the FBI and MI5 bugged the conversation ……aaaand then somehow Donald Trump Junior was given a copy ……aaaand then the Daily Freier got a copy from him by pretending to be a hot Russian journalist with the goods on Hillary…… aaand we are now sharing it with you: our loyal and credulous readership. So without further ado, here it is……
(Transcript, Joint FBI/MI5 Telephone Intercept, 11 July 2017, 1356 GMT)
Location: The Oval Office, District of Columbia
Unidentified Female (KellyAnne Conway?): Maggie is on line 1, Mr President.
President Trump (POTUS): Put sourface through.
Prime Minister May (PM May): A jolly good morning to you Mr. President [hysterically nervous can’t-believe-I am-still-here laughter] How are you?
POTUS: Angie, my little hausfrau……
PM May: No, Theresa, Theresa. The H is silent.
POTUS: Aaaah, Teresienstadt. Yes, my kinky vicar’s daughter, how you doing gorgeous? What time did you want to play? I think Angie was also interested. Did you see that eye roll at Vlad? I haven’t seen a cold shoulder like that since I cut up Ivana’s credit cards…..
PM May: Oh indeed. Quite the drama queen, Mr. President. We aim to shaft those Germans in our negotiations, sir.
POTUS: Amazing. Just amazing. Again, America is with you. But earlier this time.
PM May: Britain is so grateful for the Special Relationship, Donald. On that note, you mentioned at the G-20 this powerful trade agreement between us.
POTUS: Baby, all of my relationships are special. So much special…..But I was talking about our powerful chemistry. We held hands. Went viral. Bigly.
PM May: You said you wanted something quickly sealed in London.
POTUS: Yes, Melania is with her mother again next weekend. Eastern European women, know what I’m saying? Plus I can probably get out of the meeting about nuking North Korea. So…. you lookin’ for a free ride on the Trump Express?
[Line goes dead]
POTUS: Theresa…Theresaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [like Marlon Brando’s “Stellaaa” in Streetcar Named Desire]…..KellyAnne, get me that Merkel woman on the line. And don’t stop ’til you get past the Hasselhoff hold music.
KellyAnne Conway: Yes Mister President.
POTUS: Gotta put a smile on one broad’s chops even if I have to covfefe……