Month: March 2018

Jeremy Corbyn recounts the story of Passover

It is the time of year where we pause to commemorate the campaign of War Crimes and Dispossession against the Ancient Egyptian People that some refer to as “Passover.” Now many years ago, a group of Rootless Cosmopolitans known as the “Israelites” decamped to the Nile Delta, a region that my friends in the Muslim Brotherhood say is quite lovely. At first the Egyptians showed the traditional generous hospitality that I can only hope to emulate when I have the precious opportunity to offer Raed Salah tea on the House of Commons Terrace.

Yet in a scenario that would not surprise any of the members of my secret Facebook group, this gang of “Israelites” acquired an unseemly amount of power and influence over their Host Nation. This disturbing turn of events rightly frightened Egypt’s respected Pharaoh, a man I would consider a friend. Seeking to make Ancient Egypt “For the Many, Not the Jew Few”, Pharaoh chose to engage the Israelites in a constructive dialogue which included a rigorous regimen of outdoor exercise and civic improvement, a scenario that gardening allotment enthusiasts like myself would find rather refreshing indeed.

Yet despite Pharaoh’s very wise plan of action, the Israelites continued to prove a nuisance to a comprehensive Middle East peace. Therefore, Pharaoh attempted a different course of action concerning the male children of the Israelites that at first seems a bit brash, but was deemed moderate by my friends in Hamas. But once again to the surprise of nobody, the Israelites found clever loopholes to flout the legal edicts of Pharaoh’s Government. And sadly but not surprisingly, the Israelites were able to manipulate members of Egyptian society, to include Pharaoh’s well-meaning but naive daughter, who rescued the future Zionist War Criminal known as “Moses”.

This “Moses” character was offered the very best of Egyptian hospitality, yet chose to repay his hosts by murdering a somewhat zealous Union Shop Steward in the midst of reprimanding a wayward Israelite employee. The criminal fugitive then fled into the desert where he had some sort of psychedelic hallucination concerning a burning plant, upon which he got the daft impression that he was to lead a criminal work stoppage against Pharaoh. Moses then set about subjecting the Egyptian people to an escalating cascade of War Crimes that are sadly reminiscent of current events in Occupied Palestine today.

Finally, Pharaoh chose to simply wash his hands of this troublesome lot, and generously offered the Israelites a military escort to the Red Sea. Moses promptly drowned the Egyptian soldiers, showing once again a level of perfidy matched only by the Netanyahu Regime.

To add insult to injury, this War Crime is still celebrated today in a holiday involving bland crackers, excessive drinking, and children extorting their parents for cash. Now I don’t know what exactly goes into this “matzoh”, but some of my friends in the Labour Party have some very interesting theories on this subject indeed.

(Editor’s Note: first published this story on the Times of Israel in 2018)

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Jewish Voice for Peace presents: Woke Seder 2018

(SPOILER ALERT: This is actually a thing.)

Oh hi there! So happy you could make it! Hey, what did you think of our mock Israeli checkpoint at the front door? Scary, huh? I mean, as if a Palestinian would ever disrupt a Passover Seder in real life, right???

Excuse me, did you say that Passover celebrates the Jewish people’s flight from Egypt to Israel? OMG. Sorry, but I’m a little #Triggered by what you just said. Because it’s actually a stand against Colonialism and Islamophobia. No, really. It’s in our Haggadah.

Hey don’t sit there! That seat’s taken! What did you say? For the Prophet Elijah??? Oh don’t be silly. It’s for Rasmea Odeh!

So now it’s time that we wash our hands of the whole Farrakhan misundersta……wait, sorry. We’re just “washing our hands” washing our hands. With water. My bad.

Now it’s time for the Plagues. Go ahead and dip your finger in the wine (Don’t worry, it’s not from “Israel”!).


1) Micro-Aggressions!

2) Trump!

3) Gal Gadot’s popularity!

4) The cultural appropriation of Palestinian hummus!

5) Israel cancelled our flight to Ben Gurion!

6) Free Ahed Tamimi!

7) Has anyone mentioned Trump yet?

8) [Insert Linda Sarsour’s latest Tweet here]

9) They’re moving the Embassy to Occupied Jerusalem!

10) I mean, Tel Aviv is also Occupied, but still.


Hey, you found the Afikomen! Guess What? We just made a $20 contribution to Marwan Barghouti’s commissary fund in your name!

Well that was some Seder, huh? Thanks for coming! Next year in Al-Quds!

(This story was first published on Israellycool in 2018)

Reform Jews denounce new Haggadah that only tells the story of Passover

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 12/21/2017 at 1:00 PM

Manhattan: America’s Progressive Jewish Community is currently reeling from some very very disturbing news: the publication of a Passover Haggadah that only……wait for it…..tells the Story of Passover. Random House recently published a Haggadah written by two prominent Rabbis that purports to tell the story of the Jewish People’s escape from bondage in Egypt without any allusions to Donald Trump, Gun Control, Fracking, or a $15 Minimum Wage. Well if you think our Woke Jewish Brothers and Sisters were going to take this development lying down, you are sorely mistaken. A protest tent was quickly erected outside of the publishing house and a 24 hour protest vigil began. Were there guitars? Of course there were. The Daily Freier stopped by and spoke with a few select members of the tie-dye tallit gang to get the Real Story.

There is absolutely nothing in this so-called ‘Haggadah’ on Climate Change.” fumed Rabbi Allyssa Finkelstein-O’Neill. And yes, she made “air quotes” with her fingers when she said “Haggadah”. Rabbi Finkelstein-O’Neill leafed roughly through the Haggadah until she found a particularly offending tract. “There! King of the Universe??? Really? You are literally supporting the Patriarchy! The entire book is just one big Hate Crime. And don’t get me started on the word for “husband” in Hebrew.”

As the Daily Freier walked past a number of protesters wearing pink kippot shaped like Tel Aviv’s Shuk HaCarmel, we met up with a food co-op manager named Dylan. “I really can’t be in the same room as this book. It is literally everything-phobic. I mean, How can they justify a Haggadah that contributes absolutely Nothing to the intersectionality debate? Plus, the entire Plagues section needs a trigger warning….Also as a vegan, I refuse to sing Hadgadya….And no surprise here, but the book fails to mention Mike Pence once!

The Daily Freier then spoke with a cantorial soloist named Elyse. “To tell you the truth, my issues with the Passover story go WAY beyond the Haggadah. Like, Moses telling Yithro’s daughters that they can use the well because he said it’s OK? I mean, mansplain much?” Elyse continued. “This whole Holiday just reminds me that I’m literally offended by everything. I’m just glad I have enough copies of the J-Street Haggadah from last year.

A spokesperson for the protesters said they intend to remain at the site indefinitely, “Or at least until we get bored with singing Shalom Rav“. Also, in an attempt to break down boundaries, tomorrow’s protest might even include some tallit on men.

 

As a Lefty Jew, How Do I Feel About Farrakhan? Hey Look! A Squirrel!

As a Progressive Jew, Am I Okay with Farrakhan’s speeches where he says that Jews are “Satanic”? Can we change the subject? Because to be honest, I would rather talk about something that doesn’t challenge my worldview. How about right-wing antisemitism? Wouldn’t you rather talk about right-wing antisemitism? That’s much more interesting than Linda Sarsour and Tamika Mallory defending Farrakhan.

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

Labour MP angry she wasn’t invited into Corbyn’s secret anti-Jewish Facebook group

 By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/13/2018 at 6:00 PM

Camden, London: Today a very irate Labour Activist is demanding to know why she wasn’t invited to join Jeremy Corbyn’s secret Anti-Semitic Facebook Group “Palestine Live”. An  investigation by David Collier uncovered that the Secret Facebook Group “trafficked in anti-Semitic conspiracy theories, posted articles by Neo-Nazis, denied Israel’s right to exist, and called pro-Israel Jews “Zio-Nazis.” The group included Holocaust Denier Paul Eisen, as well as “the Jew who was too Anti-Semitic for the BDS Movement” Gilad Atzmon. And in a revelation that shocked people who still believe in the Tooth Fairy, the head of Breaking the Silence was also a member of the group…..Well rest assured, Labour Member of Parliament Danielle Lynne-Stephens is quite upset and wants to know why she never received an invite. The Daily Freier stopped by Momentum Headquarters in London to meet up with MP Lynne-Stephens  and have a little chat.

I really didn’t want to ‘Go There’, but I can’t help but think there is a bit of sexism in the BDS Community. Honestly, sometimes it feels like the Anti-Israel Left has a Glass Ceiling. I mean, how else to explain why I wasn’t asked to join Palestine Live? I’ve paid my dues. The mob that attacked the Israeli Club at King’s College? I was there……I own 12 keffiyehs….. The Women’s Boat to Gaza? I was First Mate. I mean, until we got lost.….

Danielle went on to explain just how unfair her exclusion from the group was. “How many times do I need to talk about the Rothschilds before I get an invite? And the sad part is, I could have really helped them with the quality of their memes……Like, they passed around pictures of hook-nosed Jews with demonic eyes? Big Deal. For a month my profile picture was a giant octopus with a big nose and a Star of David!”I’m sorry, but my obsessive hatred of Israel takes a back seat to nobody in that group. Posting articles by David Duke? Hellooooo? David Duke once posted an article written by me!….Saying that 9/11 was an Israeli False-Flag operation? Please. I’ve been saying it since the days of dial-up Internet.

It just isn’t fair.” Danielle continued. “How many times do I have to use the word “Zio” before I start getting the respect I deserve? And don’t tell me Corbyn didn’t know I wasn’t in the group. He commented and ‘Liked’ posts all the time! I’m tempted to take a walk over to Jeremy’s gardening allotment and give him a piece of my mind.

For his part, Mr. Corbyn says he denounces anti-Semitism in all its forms and has launched a committee to look into any wrong-doing by Labour MP’s. The Committee will be led by Ken Livingstone, Jackie Walker, and George Galloway.

New “American-style” Jerusalem suburb includes a Shul you’ll go to & a Shul you wouldn’t be caught dead in

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/10/2018 at 6:30 PM

Ramat Giv’at Ze’ev: The highly anticipated planned  Jerusalem suburb of Giv’at Ze’ev is being specifically built to meet the preening sense of entitlement very high standards of Israel’s Anglo Community, specifically those from North America. The development will have such Anglo-friendly amenities as large master bedrooms, closets (Note to our native Israeli readers: a closet is like a very small room where you can store things!), private parking, dishwashers, big kitchens, and a country club. Yet that’s not all. In order to truly capture the flavor of the typical North American Jewish community, the development will have two Shuls: one Shul that you go to and one Shul that you wouldn’t enter if they were giving out free salmon by the pound. The Daily Freier spoke with lead architect Danny C. to get all the details.

We know how important it is for Canadian and American Jews to have a Shul that they can’t stand, so we proactively opened a synagogue here last month so that we could have it break apart into two rival Shuls just in time for the first homeowners to move in.” Danny continued. “Even though our Housing Development is still under construction, we moved in a Rabbi and his family, along with a Synagogue Board of Directors.  That way, the Board will be able to not renew the Rabbi’s contract next month, and the Rabbi can then form a breakaway Shul just three blocks away and really get a nice bitter communal split going before the first family even moves in!

Danny also explained that the new development makes it possible for homeowners to customize the synagogue they refuse to step foot in. Homeowners will get to choose 3 of the following options, with additional options available at NIS 10,000 apiece:

  • The shul is too big. It’s like you’re in a mall or something.
  • The shul is tiny. It feels like you’re praying in a closet.
  • The building feels dated, like something from the 1970’s.
  • The building looks like a spaceship. It doesn’t even look like a Shul.
  • The Rabbi hardly speaks.
  • The Rabbi won’t stop talking.
  • The Rabbi is a right-wing fascist.
  • The Rabbi is a left-wing idiot.
  • The cantor is quiet as a mouse.
  • The cantor is a giant showboat.
  • The women’s section is a bunch of gossips.
  • The women’s section feels like a morgue.
  • The mincha takes forever.
  • What is this a race? The mincha was over in 5 minutes.
  • My ex in-laws go there.
  • The kiddush doesn’t have enough food.
  • Did you see the portions at the kiddush?
  • Can you believe they called that a kiddush?
  • Don’t get me started on the kiddush.

While prices for the development’s homes vary based on size and location, Danny assured us that your friends will say that you paid way too much.

 

 

 

 

I Don’t Hate Jews, I’m Just anti-Zioni…..Aww Screw It. Go Farrakhan!

Hey there #Woke People! Linda Sarsour and Tamika Mallory here and we are about to drop some knowledge on you! So have a seat and grab a coffee: it’s about to get Intersectional up in here! First off, we are about tired of certain folks out there saying we have a beef with Jews. That is just a Big Lie being pushed by a bunch of Likudniks drinking the Haterade! The real deal? We oppose Israel’s unjust and illegi…… OMG OMG! Is that Louis Farrakhan??? Giant FanGirl moment, know what I’m saying? Do you think we can get a selfie with the Minister? I mean, like, another one.

(The Daily Freier is published over at Israellycool today. Check us out!)