Month: May 2017

Jeremy Corbyn, Labour Party

No, I’m serious. Just what must I do to get kicked out of Labour?

No I’m serious. Just what do I have to do to get kicked out of Labour?By Jeremy Corbyn, MP

May 30, 2017

Finsbury Park: So far 2017 has been a rather trying year for me. The Islington People’s-Socialist-Fair-Trade-Third-World-Food Co-Op has been quite simply in an uproar since last month’s “Venezuelan Quinoa Incident“. The Food Co-Op’s whatsapp group has become veritable torture for me. To be honest, I am quite the Luddite, so I only took an iPhone under duress because Party Leadership said I needed to be “more accessible” when I go on my morning walkabouts in the Heath. And it is not only the Quinoa Incident that they debate endlessly in the chat group. Of course there is the NGO “Palestinian Lesbian Anarchists against the Wall” that wants to sell their wares in our shop. So far so good, but what is their position on Climate Change?  And the NHS? And manspreading?

Then there is my bicycle, which continues to break at the most inopportune moments, like when I was on my way to the Marwan Barghouti Benefit Concert in Tower Hamlets last week. Of course, one would be remiss without mentioning my garden allotment. Ms. Bannister insists that it was my kale crop that introduced the weevils that seem poised to make quite a snack of her corn crop. Incidentally, a certain Mr. Goldstein continues to illegally occupy encroach upon my radishes with his rather arcane crop of chick peas and red peppers. So you can see, Mr. Corbyn’s  (very vegan) plate is rather full. I am burning the (vegetable oil) candle at both ends. Jezz needs a break.

With all of my responsibilities, I simply do not have time for all of the nonsense in Parliament. “Votes“.  “NATO”. “Protecting the citizens of the United Kingdom“. Therefore, for the past several months I have done everything in my power to get myself removed from office so that I may return to focusing on the important things, like the problematic gear shift on my Schwinn. And the sorry state of my lettuce crop. And improving my attendance for the Yoga Classes at the Leisure Centre. But it appears to be all for naught. I have tried everything.

So visiting Syria as the guest of Bashar Assad was not enough? How about if my travel-mate was Jenny Tonge? How about that I attended a wreath laying ceremony for the lead architect of the 1972 Munich Olympics….misunderstanding? Then I refused to apologize for inviting the Irish Republican Army for tea at the height of their 1980’s bombing campaign. For goodness sake, I blamed the Manchester attack on British Foreign Policy

Now it appears that even if Labour loses next month’s election, I still won’t be allowed to step down. I am simply at my wit’s end. Once again…. Just what must I do to get kicked out of Labour?

Ashkenazi Problems, HaMizrachim

The Ashkenazim purchase legal rights to Mimouna; promise blander food & less noise complaints next year

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 5/28/2017 at 5:30 PM

Ramat Aviv: In a move described as “bold” and “daring“, the Ashkenazi Community purchased the rights to the Mimouna Holiday from the Mizrachi Community today. According to the one page flyer that they stuck in the little wooden box on the front of your seat in synagogue, the move has been planned since right after Passover, and was finalized to coincide with the arrival of Shavuot this week. Mimouna, the post-Passover Holiday celebrated by North African Jews, is known for its plentiful food and colorful costumes. And the Ashkenazim vow not to change anything. Except they’re going to make the food a bit blander and easier to digest. And the music is going to be toned down a bit. Especially after 10 PM. Also we’re going to need to make the music slower. And maybe add a fiddle. The Daily Freier stopped by Ashkenazi World Headquarters in Ramat Aviv to get the whole Megillah on this dramatic turn of events.

“We’ve always admired Mimouna.” explained Ashkenazi World Spokeswoman Miriam G. “Those nice dresses the men and women wear. The sweets. The music. So when we found out that the rights to the holiday were now up for sale, we jumped at the opportunity!” The Daily Freier asked Miriam exactly how this once in a lifetime opportunity came about. “So the legal ownership of Mimouna became convoluted over time, but our lawyers were able to untangle the chain of custody and determine that the rights were currently being held by a hummus place in Ashkelon that also fixes cars sometimes. So we put out some feelers and found out they were willing to sell. Then we designed a compensation package with 50% up front and 5 years of scheduled 10% payments from an escrow account, and Boom! We had a deal!”

Miriam went on to explain that while the Ashkenazim intend to maintain the spirit of the holiday, there are going to be some changes. “We want a Mimouna that is just as authentic but maybe a bit less chaotic.”  When the Daily Freier challenged Miriam for details, she summed up the Ashkenazi plan thusly:  “Reduced chances of losing track of your shoes at some point during the evening but with greater opportunities for getting bored….. Also my husband’s heartburn has been acting up lately so we may need to get rid of that dry ground red pepper that they put in everything. And our neighbors get up early to drive to Jerusalem each morning, so we need to be finished by 10 PM, maximum 10:30.”

Not surprisingly, this move has led to a few hurt feelings. “This is outrageous!” complained an irate woman named Maygal whom we talked to in the Rehovot train station. “Soon you Ashkenazim are going to take everything we have and make it boring and stupid. How would you like it if we took your Leonard Cohen or Barbra Streisand or whatever and added electronic drums plus sound effects from a dance club and then ran it through the sound system of a 2003 Toyota Corolla with tinted windows?” When the Daily Freier replied that this actually sounded kinda cool, Maygal shoved us and stormed off.

In any event, at least there will still be some sort of dance that involves everybody wandering around in a circle.

Israellycool

So How Do You Fake a Hunger Strike During Ramadan? Asking for a friend.

So How Do You Fake a Hunger Strike During Ramadan?By Marwan Barghouti

May 27, 2017

Hey gang! Big Marwan over here, and welcome to “Blogging with Barghouti“! Coming to you from the belly of the beast in the Zionist Entity’s biggest, baddest, most inhumane jail. The jail that STILL does not comply with our inalienable rights to 20 TV channels, cell phones and unlimited magazines (No. Really. that’s our demand!) Which is why we are still conducting our steadfast and honorable hunger strike.

(The Daily Freier is over at Israellycool today. Check it out with this link!)

Judaism

The “Ivanka Heter”: next big trend?

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/25/2017 at 2:30 PM

Jerusalem: No longer content to simply copy stylish first daughter Ivanka Trump’s hairstyle and clothing, the trendy and religiously observant from Manhattan to Beit Shemesh have been packing the offices of local rabbis seeking an “Ivanka heter“….. rabbinical dispensation to break the laws of Shabbat due to “pikuach nefesh” (life-threatening circumstances)…. like, you know, wanting to go on a really cool trip with their dad.

“Keeping Shabbat is hard.” noted Rivky R, a lifelong Shomre Shabbat aficionado. “I never realized how life-threatening some situations truly are… for example missing out on my cousin’s bachelorette night…but now that I think about it, this really is a situation I should ask my rabbi about. Thanks Ivanka!”

The Daily Freier walked down to our local Rabbanut (which we’ve been doing a lot of lately) to get all of the facts. We caught one young Rabbi as he was leaving to do Kashrut Inspections, and he took the time to listen to our halakhic conundrum: Flying on the Sabbath is forbidden. But we really really want to fly. The Rabbi thought about our brain teaser for a moment before responding. “Flying on Shabbat? That’s crazy! Like, you know, eating during a Hunger Strike or something.”

The Daily Freier continued to scour the Rabbanut to find out who gave Jared and Ivanka the go-ahead, but nobody actually knew who gave the dispensation (Really!). So the Daily Freier got bored and decided to walk down to the beach and ask average Israelis what they thought. Fortunately, we ran into alert local Ronit S. who while not being Shomre Shabbat, considers herself Masorti and slowly moving back onto the Derech. Ronit was quite enthusiastic about Ivanka’s Rabbinic dispensation. “I love Ivanka’s style and I want to  get the same heter as Ivanka. Also the same dress. And the same shoes….. but can a Disc Jockey also qualify for pikuach nefesh? Because last Friday night a DJ saved my life.”

Guest Writer Wednesday, The Donald

Let’s play “The Donald’s Mid-East Bingo”!

The Donald's Middle East Bingo

By Ari Calvo

Last Updated 5/23/2017 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Heading abroad amidst a string of major gaffes, United States President Donald Trump has found an unexpected success: uniting Palestinians and Israelis. No, the world’s most powerful son-in-law Jared Kushner has not gotten the two sides to agree on anything at all, but The Trump Administration has united the two sides in a massive game of Middle East Bingo. And we have the cards to prove it.

When Trump makes a gaffe that insults either side, they mark the offense. (Israelis use a tiny kippah and Palestinians use the rusty keys that open their father’s brother’s cousin’s nephew’s ex-girlfriend’s former roommate’s former home. Or a filing cabinet.) Given Trump’s propensity for surprising the world with completely bizarre and unexpected comments, each side will be allowed Wild Card boxes. They can be anywhere on the card because, like our borders, we can’t all agree on where to put them.

Players can also choose not to play for their own nationality and instead choose to play merely by which side Trump will be first to offend the most. Each card has a range of severity, from gaffes that cause unanimous laughter (such as admitting how much he relates to the song ‘Golden Boy’) to scandal-inducing comments that lead to an absolute shutdown of the peace process entirely, with both sides slamming their doors shut with signs out front saying to come back after Trump’s been impeached. Seriously, they’ll even take Mike Pence.

Some of the offenses are the same for both groups. Pronouncing hummus with the American pronunciation “hum-us” is a high offense to both parties. There’s also a hummus specific wild card for any hummus-related atrocities, such as Trump confessing he loves Hummus Quinoa Cakes. Both sides also have the box for offending everyone by saying the Israelis had the right idea with their border wall and asked how Israel got the Palestinians to pay for it.

Options on the Palestinian card include using a mobile version of the red button to order a BLT while visiting Al Aqsa, referring to the West Bank as Judea and Samaria, calling Mahmoud Abbas “Bashar”, and referring to someone whose name he doesn’t know as Abu. Probably the most controversial, albeit not unexpected, options is the announcement that the US Embassy will be moved from Tel Aviv to East Jerusalem. However, everyone is most eager to get the chance to mark the box if someone convinces Trump that all speeches in the region are started with the terms of endearment, ‘sharmuta’ and ‘kusemek.’ Palestinians don’t get to have all the fun though as the Israelis have a similar box for if someone convinces Trump to greet a woman as ‘bat zona.’

For the Israelis, there’s the complete possibility Trump will visit Masada, look around at the ruins and declare that he “really prefers Jews who didn’t commit mass suicide.” Additionally, there’s a wholehearted expectation he’ll ask how Israel functions when everyone works in banks. “Your army must have very organized finances!” is expected to be met with the sound of an entire country in collective laughter. It also wouldn’t be surprising to hear him admit his visit to Masada was cancelled when he found out he couldn’t turn it into a hotel since he had planned to drop down the giant gold Trump sign from his helicopter while he was here. Another alarming possibility is the outcry he could cause by collecting the notes from the Kotel, insisting they are Hillary’s missing emails.

Each side is so engrossed in the competition that they have even taken to trying to sway the game in their favor. through the fine art of trolling. Religious Jews in Jerusalem have been hanging extra tallits out with the wash in hopes of getting Trump to admit he thinks Jews have sex through a hole in the sheet. If successful, they get to mark a sex-specific Wild Card box in case Trump finds a way to relate this to his own amazing abilities in the sack.

Across the Green Line, Palestinians have changed literally every restaurant’s name to “Aloha Snackbar” in order to trigger Trump’s tendency to talk about whatever is right in front of him and get him to say “Allahu Akbar“, just to see if Steve Bannon will totally lose his mind.

Competition is fierce as each side has decided they are likely better off by letting the victor set the parameters for a long-term peace solution than they would be with any negotiations involving the Trump Administration.

The Donald's Middle East Bingo The Donald's Middle East Bingo The Donald's Middle East Bingo

The Donald

Great Trumpian moments in the Bible

Great Trumpian moments in the BibleSCENE: Gaza, 12th Century B.C.E

Samson: Delilah you are an amazing harlot. Just amazing. And I’ve had the best. And believe me, I am VERY rich. Here, have some silver coins.

Delilah: Oh Samson, you are gorgeous AND generous.

Samson: I know.

Delilah (running her hands through Samson’s comb-over): Tell me Samson. Do you have ANY weaknesses?

Samson: Delilah baby, let me tell you. I have the best Intel. Just the best. People come to me all the time with great Intel. Amazing Intel. And my people are telling me things. Great, Great people. They’re telling me I can never cut my hair. My magically yuge hair. Or else I will lose my super powers. Bigly.

Delilah (purring in his ear): Oh Samson. Your secret is safe with me.

SCENE: Jericho in the time of Joshua

Israelite Spy: Rahab the harlot, please help us gain knowledge about our enemies.

Rahab: Sure, no problem. You seem nice enough.

Israelite Spy: Is there someone in this city who is loose with the tongue and tends to overshare?

Rahab (smiling slyly): I know just the guy.

….. Later, in the Shuk…..

Rahab:  Oh Donald Ben Fred! You are looking even better than normal! Have you been working out?

Donald: Guilty as charged baby. What’s shaking?

Rahab: Donald, let me introduce you to my, umm, cousin from out-of-town.

Donald: Hey pal. You wanna see our amazing city defenses? They’re the best. Just the best.

Spy: Donald Ben Fred, thou art wise and generous. But your city must have SOME weakness.

Donald (leans in to whisper): Now that you mention it, the city fears Israel and HaShem. Also, the walls….

Spy (furtively scribbling on papyrus): Go on.

SCENE: Sodom, the time of Abraham

Angel: Lot son of Haran, thank you for sheltering us in your home.

Lot: Mi home es su home.

(A man appears)

Angel: Wait, who is this?

Lot: Oh that is my good friend, HaDonald. He buys and sells clay huts.

Angel: OK, but he’s discreet?

Lot: Bigly.

….Later on the streets of Sodom…..

Unruly Mob: Hey HaDonald, we want to molest some strangers! Do you know where we can find some?

HaDonald: Well you won’t find any strangers at Lot’s home, let me tell you. Believe me, there are not two strangers at Lot’s house.

Unruly Mob: Lot’s house! Let’s roll!

HaDonald: Wait! I said there were no strangers there! You’re making a mistake! a yuge mistake!

 

Sarah Tuttle-Singer, Times of Israel

And now…. the winning Sarah Tuttle-Singer article!

Build Your Own Sarah Tuttle Singer Article!Humans of Israel and Beyond!  This week the Daily Freier challenged you to build your own Sarah Tuttle-Singer article…..and almost 800 of you took time out of your busy schedules of trolling each other to participate in the contest. We had incredible results. Amazing results. The best results. Just the best. So much winning. We actually got bored of winning! Anyways, without further ado, here are the runner-ups and the winner of this auspicious contest. Shabbat Shalom!

SECOND RUNNER UP!

Hi. You didn’t know me then but I used to troll Secret Tel Aviv. But now I live in Jerusalem so let me tell you about my dry cleaner who used to be in Hamas but now is into tai-chi. Anyway, let me tell you about My Israel. In My Israel there’s a cat that hangs around outside the medical marijuana building getting a contact high. Which reminds me of why I really really can’t stand Bibi. And don’t get me started on Trump today.  The wall!

FIRST RUNNER UP!

Hi. You didn’t know me then but I used to have a major crush on Naftali Bennett. But now I live in Jerusalem so let me tell you about the Haredi lady in my soul cycle class who votes Meretz. Anyway, let me tell you about My Israel. In My Israel there’s a Druze cab driver who looks kind of like Larry David. Which reminds me of why….No you don’t get it. I REALLY can’t stand Bibi. And don’t get me started on Trump today. @&${>^©©|]€¢¥)&@

AND THE WINNER IS…..

Hi. You didn’t know me then but I used to get really baked and crank call Likud Headquarters. But now I live in Jerusalem so let me tell you about the Palestinian woman who knows every episode of Seinfeld. Anyway, let me tell you about My Israel. In My Israel there’s a Palestinian barber who keeps giving me advice about my use of punctuation. Which reminds me of why…. Hey! Are you even paying attention? I can’t stand Bibi!  And don’t get me started on Trump today. He should be impeached!

 

Sarah Tuttle-Singer, Times of Israel

Build your own Sarah Tuttle-Singer article!

Build Your Own Sarah Tuttle Singer Article!Love reading Sarah’s musings on life in Israel, rants about all things Trumpian, and where to get the best hummus…. but don’t have time to scan the Times of Israel? Well fear not, for the Daily Freier has created a machine so advanced, you can build your very own Sarah Tuttle-Singer article. From scratch. And we conducted a blindfolded survey of 10 random people off the street, and none of them could tell the difference between our product and the real thing. We guarantee. Or your money back. So just hit the “Start Survey” button below and build your own story about flasks, the best pomegranate guy at the Shuk, and some not so nice words about The Donald. On Friday we will write a story using your most popular entries. You’re welcome.

Israellycool, Yom Kippur

Hey Dad? Next Yom Kippur Can I Fast “Marwan Barghouti Style?”

Today Jews worldwide are asking their parents, therapists, significant others, rabbis, and spouses whether it would be possible to observe this year’s Yom Kippur” Marwan Barghouti style”: by pretending to refuse to eat, but then secretly eating.

Palestinian prisoner Marwan Barghouti has been described as a leading proponent of non-violent resistance, except, you know, he sort of like ordered the killing of a whole bunch of people and stuff. Anyhoo, Marwan has been leading a Hunger Strike among Palestinian prisoners, but with a really cool twist: he ate candy bars while sitting on his prison toilet when nobody was looking. And he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those pesky meddling Jews who filmed him in the act of chowing down.

The Daily Freier wanted to learn more about this hot trend of “No Hunger-Hunger Strikes” so we hit the streets of Tel Aviv to speak with real Israelis as soon as they finished walking their dogs, reading Ha’aretz, smoking spliffs, and drinking cafe hafuch.

First the Daily Freier spoke with its very own Lee Saunders to get a proper British take. “I’m quite excited. I’ve literally already planned out my fast for this year….So I won’t eat anything from 8 in the morning until around 11. And then, BAM!, I sneak off to the loo and eat some Jaffa cakes. Brilliant!”

While the Daily Freier was interviewing Lee in a cafe near Gan Meir, we ran into alert local Ronit S. who overheard our conversation and enthusiastically shared her plans for the Day of Atonement. “So I will do Yom Kippur with my parents in Holon. And in the morning I will eat nothing at all, then in the afternoon I take a walk in the forest and eat the falafel that I stashed there the night before!” Ronit thought for a moment and stared into space. “Actually I think this is how my last diet worked.”

The Daily Freier then spoke with local philosopher Tzvi H. as he played ping-pong in Gan Meir. And we asked him a very challenging question: “With Mr. Barghouti’s revolutionary redefinition of not eating, can we as Jews approach Yom Kippur in a similar fashion?” Tzvi thought for a moment. “You pose an interesting question. For how do we now approach not eating when you have the option of enjoying delicious Tortit Brand chocolate bars?” Tzvi shuffled with some papers in his backpack. “Hang on a second, I have other questions about Yom Kippur. Like, I’ve read all of Peter Beinart’s Op-Ed’s this year. Have I suffered enough to get an exemption from fasting?”

Finally, the Daily Freier walked over to the local Rabbanut to get a theological perspective on this new approach to not-eating-while-eating. So we entered the building and asked the first Rabbi we saw: “Can we do a ‘Barghouti’ Yom Kippur? You know, with snacks?” The Rabbi thought for a moment, scratched his beard, consulted a dusty book written in Yiddish, and replied “Sounds like Reform Judaism.”