Category: The Jooz

Purim, The Jooz

The Story of Purim as told by Amnesty International Director Paul O’Brien

Greetings everybody! I’m Paul O’Brien, He/Him, and today I’m here to explain Purim to the Jews! Because to be frank, you don’t seem to be “getting it” lately. Yet I believe in my gut that what the Jewish people really want is to be educated by a Woke NGO that knows what’s best for them. So please allow me to teach you about your holiday from a perspective of Solidarity and Global Justice. Ready? Here we go!

Long ago there was a land called “Shushan” in what today is Iran. Frankly, I’m not an expert on Iran as we mostly focus on countries with poor human rights records. Anyway, there lived a King named Ahashveros who was looking for a wife. He chose a woman named Esther who was apparently quite attractive but unbeknownst to the King, was a Zio Jewish. Esther had an Uncle named Mordecai who was quite an effective Lobbyist for Jewish Interests in the Kingdom

Sadly, the King didn’t notice these activities. Yet one of his Deputies was a keen-eyed observer named Haman. As time went on, Haman saw the growing power imbalance between the Jewish subjects and the Indigenous population of Shushan. In addition, Haman’s personal interactions with Mordecai left him feeling Marginalized and Othered. Deciding to Speak Truth to Power, Haman devised a series of responses to this Structural Injustice. Some of Haman’s proposed solutions seemed rather rash. But it’s not me to judge. Amnesty takes no political views on any question, including the right of the State of Israel to survive. (NON-SATIRE TIME-OUT: He. Really. Said. This.)

Mordecai learned of Haman’s Roadmap for Restorative Justice and notified his niece Esther, who then broke with agreed-upon norms and went directly to the King with her grievances. Feeling the full weight of Queen Esther’s Hasbara, King Ahashveros relented and in a clear-cut case of State-sanctioned cruelty, put Haman to death.

…. Can I take a break for a second and point something out? Why doesn’t the Megillah mention Palestine or the Palestinians? This feels like another manifestation of a Eurocentric World Order. OK, rant over! Back to the story….

Naturally, the Jewish community of Shushan celebrated the death of Haman. Today this holiday manifests itself as a week of debauchery with costumes that sadly reflect the rather sexist trope that women sometimes want to dress up and look hot in public. In addition, the holiday is rife with high-cholesterol fried foods and excessive alcohol consumption. Thanks but no thanks.

Tune in next month when Amnesty International takes a look at Pharaoh’s response to a Jewish Land-Grab in the Nile Delta!

The Jooz

“But I Love those Jewish Crackers!” Whoopi Goldberg clarifies her views on Race

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/3/2022 at 6:30 PM

Hollywood: First off, who among us does not Love Love Love the Feisty Ladies of The View? Guilty Pleasure Alert: We’ve been watching since the days of Barbara Wawa and Star Jones! But anyhoo, it appears that, and some of you may want to sit down for this, sometimes the Hosts expound very confidently on things they have NO CLUE about. And this was one of these times. In conjunction with Holocaust Remembrance Day, Ms. Goldberg noted that the Shoah was just a really big example of White-on-White Crime. You see, now that “Whiteness” is something that can get you in trouble, Jews are White. It’s a magic trick! We’re Commies! We’re Bankers! We keep to ourselves too much! We blend in too much! We’re a bunch of weaklings! We’re mean powerful bullies!

Anyway, things got crazy QUICK. The next day Whoopi (Real Name: Caryn!) gave a nice apology, but then she Doubled Down on Silly when she went on the Colbert Show. Then she went to the Woke Dorks at the Anti-Defamation League and Jonathan Greenblatt absolved her of any sins. In our opinion, if you’re going to try to get your sins washed away by beseeching a Jew, just go to Nazareth.

Finally, the Network Bosses decided to suspend her for a week from the View. (Editors Note: The Daily Freier does not support Ms. Goldberg’s suspension. If famous people were prevented from saying silly or dumb things in public, we would need to get real jobs.) It was at this point where the Daily Freier contacted Whoopi to kibbitz about how dreamy Captain Picard was back in the day in order to clear the air. Whoopi was adamant that she was a fan of the Jewish People, and talked about her specific love for Matzoh. Yet for some reason she kept calling it “Those Jewish Crackers“. Basically, we tried to find common ground, mostly because we were DYING to hear her say “Ditto“. But she didn’t.

Tonight we’re going to eat a special brownie and watch “Sister Act” and see if it makes any more sense this time.

Mossad, The Jooz

Top Ten Reasons the Irish Embassy Drunk Tweeted at Israel

Apparently we are all back in High School, because this week our Frenemies at the Irish Embassy stayed up until Midnight in order to find our photo in the Yearbook and draw devil horns on our heads and blacken our teeth send a nasty Tweet and then delete it. Yet much like the timeless music of The Corrs, the Internet is Forever and we have screenshots.  One would think that Ireland would admire a country that actually managed to completely evict the British, but no. Ireland is upset that Israel is cracking down on all the PFLP-affiliated charities that they fund. They even took the time to complain about that tiny kerfuffle back in 2010 when Israel (Allegedly!) flew to Dubai and knocked off one of their friends in Hamas using tennis rackets, bad wigs, and Irish passports. So this is where our relationship is now.

Yet in the spirit of Goodwill, the Daily Freier set out to get the Irish Government’s side of the story. So we spent the week lurking in their favorite watering holes and BDS Chatrooms in order to get the Top Ten reasons that they angrily drunk tweeted us. Here they are, for your reading pleasure.

1) Gerry Adams keeps tickling us.

2) Daylight Savings Time

3) Was reading “The Merchant of Venice” for the 47th time and dozed off. 

4) You always end up hurting the ones you love.

5) You killed Christ.

6) Gal Gadot still won’t return our phone calls.

7) Roger Waters came to us in a dream and instructed us to do this.

8) Yeah, we dream about Roger Waters like twice a week.

9) Leprechauns!

10) We’re really busy and don’t want invites to any Chanukah parties.

#ErinGoShtupYourselves

Jeremy Corbyn, The Jooz

Ice Cube: a Poet Laureate for our times. by Jeremy Corbyn

With so much confusion in the streets, it is sometimes difficult to make heads or tails of what is happening to us, or more importantly, Who is doing these things to us. Which is why I was Quite Chuffed by the recent Twitter activity of Mister Ice Cube. Mister Cube truly cuts through the proverbial noise to deliver some rather uncomfortable truths. Incidentally, many of these Uncomfortable Truths deal with a certain group of people who may or may not be over-represented in the Entertainment Industry. And the Banks. And the Weather. Ice Cube has had some rather unpleasant run-ins with this group, who sadly lack the ability to understand irony and thus appreciate Mr. Cube’s constructive criticism. One thinks of Mister Jerry Heller, Ice Cube’s former manager in the group NWA. It’s hard to believe that it’s been 30 years since Ice Cube wrote “No Vaseline“, which is quite simply a Masters Class in Speaking Truth to Power. When Ice Cube complained that his fellow bandmates had “Let a Jew break up our crew“, well you could have knocked me over with a feather. When Mister Cube then admonished his former bandmates (more out of sadness than anger, one might add) that there was “a white Jew tellin’ you what to do“, one knew that class was in session.

So imagine my pleasant surprise when Ice Cube tweeted a photo of my favorite mural in London. And what a powerful mural it is. The backs of the Oppressed balancing a Monopoly Board. The International Bankers who stand above them, many of whom have a more than incidental physical similarity to some chaps I have encountered on the Northern Line. Now there was the usual complaints from the (((usual))) usual  corners, but my only advice to Mister Cube is to continue to Speak Your Truth. For in the  immortal words of Chuck D, “Apology made to whoever pleases. Still they got me like Jesus.“

Tune in next week when we discuss the exciting career renaissance of Professor Griff!

Jeremy Corbyn, Labour Party, The Jooz

Three guesses who is to blame, and the first two don’t count. By Jeremy Corbyn

Yesterday the Progressive Community was hit by a Disaster, a Naqba if you will. Labour lost huge swathes of Districts across the Nation. You see, Labour’s loss affected me deeply. I truly felt pain. A stabbing pain. In the back to be precise. But today we must take stock of our losses and identify just how this happened to us. Or more appropriately, who did this to us. Walking in the Heath yesterday, I had some time to reflect, and had an epiphany. I believe that I know the root cause of our loss. I will give you three guesses who is to blame for our calamity, but the first two don’t count.

Perhaps there is a group of people out there. A bit different. Unfamiliar with British irony. Perhaps they live clustered along a certain rail line in London. Just for the sake of argument, let’s say the Northern Line. I had a chance to discuss this with Ken Livingstone last night at Momentum’s weekly potluck and he seemed to be two steps ahead of me. He truly has a talent for seeing hidden truths. I believe the younger people would call this “being Woke”. But anyway, we agreed there was a group of people out there. People with a knack for finances. People who also live in a certain country along the Western Mediterranean Coast. But not Lebanon or Syria.

Our friends in Hamas and Hezbollah have perhaps an even keener insight into this group of people. In fact I was simply delighted to learn that Hamas even included folktales about these people in their Charter. I simply did not know how ecologically-minded Hamas was until I heard their folklore about the group of people whom we are currently discussing and how even the rocks and the trees of Palestine knew what we in Britain are just learning now. Fascinating. Simply fascinating.

Have you guessed yet?

Election 2020, The Jooz

Valerie Plame: Elect me and find out what they put in the Matzoh!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/15/2019 at 11:30 AM

Santa Fe: Political Nerds everywhere (Hi!) are beyond excited this week with the news that former CIA Agent Valerie Plame is running for Congress in New Mexico! For those of you playing along at home, Ms. Plame was in the middle of a giant Balagan about 15 years ago about the Iraq War, secret identities, Dick Cheney, Weapons of Mass Destruction and a bunch of other things from a decade Before the Covfefe Era (BCE). Anyhoo, in addition to all that, Ms. Plame used to be really into Twitter, but now we can’t find her account. Which is weird, cuz it had some pretty cool stuff on it. Like the time she retweeted a story called “America’s Jews Are Driving America’s Wars“.  But that was an honest mistake that she owned up to by saying…. ummm…. “Many neocon hawks ARE Jewish.” Yet this was really just an isolated incident, except, umm, for the other time that she retweeted a 9/11 Conspiracy theory about Dancing Jooz.

Fortunately, Ms. Plame has moved on after her campaign manager snatched her Iphone and deleted her Twitter account and just launched her Congressional Campaign with an A-Ma-Zing video where she drives a Camaro in the desert in reverse faster than Israel created ISIS. Because let’s face it, there’s not a minute to spare. We need Ms. Plame to put on her old CIA sleuth hat and get to the bottom of some stuff that’s been keeping us up at night. Such as….

  1. Who poisoned the village well?
  2. (Something about the Rothschilds. And The Freemasons. And an Octopus.)

And of course…

3. What’s gives their matzoh that special zing?

As a special treat, Ms. Plame also informed us that she has previously unmentioned Jewish ancestors! You know, like Ken Livingstone’s grandmother! And, umm….Julia Salazar. OMG! Or as Ms. Plame now says, ‘Oy Gevalt!’

The Daily Freier will continue covering this story just as soon as we put the finishing touches on tomorrow’s weather.

The Jooz, The New York Times

Our response to that New York Times editorial cartoon

new NYT Trump BibiGotta tell ya, that cartoon was disgusting.
One of your worst.
For historical reference, it resembled something from Der Stürmer circa 1934.
Using the theme of a blind American President being led around by an Israeli Prime Minister?
Come on, really?
Knowing the historic context of this accusation?
You portrayed a Jewish leader as a dog.
On a leash, no less!
Under his collar was a Star of David.
Really? Was that really necessary?
Showing Jews as dogs is a step toward dehumanization.
Everyone knows that, right?
Lots of Editors had to be in on the approval process for this piece.
Very curious, is anyone losing their job over this cartoon?
Either that or nothing is actually going to happen to anyone who had a part of this, right?
So in conclusion, Apology Not Accepted.

"The Squad", The Jooz

Pelosi restricts Ilhan Omar to just one anti-Jewish tweet per week

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/9/2019 at 6:05 PM

Washington: In an unexpectedly decisive move, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi yesterday restricted  Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Minnesota) to just one anti-Jewish tweet per week. Congresswoman Omar’s Twitter history includes such Greatest Hits as ‘Israel hypnotized the world’, that support for Israel in Congress was “all about The Benjamins“, and (just this week!) that American Jews have dual-loyalty.  All of this drama has given the Democrats a bit of a rough week, and Pelosi decided bold action was in order. Speaker Pelosi’s spokesperson Drew Hammill explained the new policy at a noontime press conference. “Today Speaker Pelosi laid down the law: Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is henceforth to write no more than one anti-Jewish tweet or Facebook post in any 7-day period, whether or not Congress is in session.”

Reaction in the pundit-sphere was quite positive, with noted “As-a-Jew” Peter Beinart expressing his relief. “This masterstroke by Pelosi means that I can put a solid 5 days into my explanatory think-piece for the Atlantic on why Ilhan Omar’s next anti-Jewish outburst is not nearly as bad as that time Trump called a reporter fat. I think you’re going to see a noted increase in the quality of my excuses for Woke Left Wing Anti-Semitism. As a Jew I feel this is important.”

For her part, Congresswoman Omar was quite conciliatory and understanding of Speaker Pelosi’s new directive. “At first I wanted at least two or three, depending on whether I had a chance to meet up with Linda that week or not. But Nancy Jewed me down was very adamant on this point, so I agreed. What can I say? I’m a team player. I mean, until 2020. Wait, did I just say that? Never mind that last part.”

The Daily Freier tried to contact Senate Minority Leader/noted champion of the Jewish people Chuck Schumer for a comment, but he was busy not doing shit while Woke anti-Semites were Corbynizing his party.

Election 2018, Jeremy Corbyn, The Jooz

Exciting times for The Democratic Party! By Jeremy Corbyn

I just wanted to take a moment from my day to reflect on some simply amazing developments across the Atlantic. For too long, the Democratic Party pushed all of the same sad old Center-Left/Clinton-Blair themes. But today there are some exciting new faces shaking things up! It is in this vein that I have looked on with much fondness and anticipation at the exciting young voices in the Party, especially Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar. Now Ms. Tlaib has created a very robust coalition, consisting of the Many not The Jew Few, and her friends have some very innovative solutions to the crisis in Palestine. Indeed, some of their Solutions seem rather Final. If this was not exciting enough for one day, finding out that Ms. Tlaib used to write for Louis Farrakhan’s newspaper was quite simply delicious. Minister Farrakhan and I share so much, particularly in our views concerning “The People of the Book”.

Yet in much the same case as with today’s Labour Party, there are unseen powers working against Rashida, Ilhan, and our other friends in the Democratic Party.  Who are these Unseen Powers? We really don’t know for sure, but we have a pretty good idea who (((They))) are. Speaking of which, Ilhan quickly determined the source of Power wielded by a certain group of Rootless Cosmopolitans who claim to come from the Levant.  As the Young People would say, it is in fact “All About the Benjamins“. (Isn’t the Vernacular of the Street simply delightful in its ability to turn a phrase? Fascinating, really.) Finally, we had a voice pointing out what so many of us on the Progressive Left have known for so long: that Israel has been hypnotizing the World. Furthermore, watching Ms. Omar’s vociferous cross-examination of that Zio  former Reagan and Bush Administration appointee Elliot Abrams was quite simply a breath of fresh air. And while she did not know his actual name, and would not let him respond to her questions, her fighting spirit reminded me of the best of George Galloway (who may be back in Labour sooner than you think. You heard it here first!). This was almost as refreshing as my Comrade McDonnell informing us this week that Winston Churchill was a villain!

Yet as much as I admire Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar, I would be remiss to ignore the great achievements of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! Her astute views on the merits of a Socialist Command Economy are a clear indicator of her bright future in politics. We even Tweet to one another sometimes! So while Ms. Ocasio-Cortez may not yet be as far along as Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar when it comes to the Jewish Question, all of us in Labour have confidence that she will soon see this issue as we see it.

So while I am not one to blow my own horn, to the extent that any of their new direction was inspired by today’s Labour Party, well I am right chuffed. In fact, I look forward to inviting Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar for Tea at the House of Commons some time this Spring!

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Hen Mazzig, The Forward, The Jooz

Hen Mazzig found guilty of living rent-free in The Forward’s head for 2 months

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/17/2018 at 3:00 PM

New York: A Manhattan judge handed down a stern ruling today, ordering that one Hen Mazzig pay restitution to the The Forward after living in their collective heads since September without paying rent or utilities. Since The Forward’s bombshell article in October alleging that Hen might be gay was a paid agent of the Mossad or something, it has become increasingly obvious that Mr. Mazzig had renovated a nice loft with skylights, hardwood floors, and granite countertops somewhere in the collective cerebral cortex of the Forward’s writing staff.

“Clearly the defendant has occupied prime real estate in each of the plaintiffs’ minds.” stated the Judge’s ruling. “After Aidan Pink’s article asserting that Mr. Mazzig was a paid agent of the Israeli Government because, umm, he once served in the Israeli Army, like, umm, almost every other Jewish, Circassian, and Druze Israeli man, the Court had no choice but to award the plaintiff’s claim in full.”

As the Judge’s ruling was read in the packed courtroom, The Forward’s editorial staff and writers erupted in cheers. “This is truly a vindication.” explained reporter Josh Nathan-Kazis. Now I know that I didn’t accuse Hen of ‘literally calling me a Nazi’ in vain, even though he didn’t actually, like, call me a Nazi. Now I can get back to my important work of digging up dirt on Jewish charities that aren’t as Woke as I am. But to be honest, I really didn’t appreciate it when the Judge held me in Contempt of Court for not actually knowing what the word ‘literally’ means. It made me really angry… Literally!”

Reaction outside the court was chaotic, with partisans on both sides making impassioned speeches. Noted Progressive Jewish pundit Peter Beinart addressed the crowd. “As a Jew I feel this ruling is very important. And as a Jew I truly believe that this gets to the heart of the crisis of modern Zionism. Also as a Jew I feel that my continued use of the phrase “As a Jew I” at the beginning of Every. Single. Sentence strikes a blow for solidarity with the Marginalized and Oppressed. Also, As a Jew I feel that I can probably file a class action lawsuit against every Israeli who has disappointed me this year and maybe recoup some rent and utilities like the Forward did.”

As Mr. Mazzig left the courthouse, the Daily Freier asked him at which point he knew that he had lost the case. “I don’t know.” he sighed. “Their legal team just ran circles around me. But if I had to point to one thing that told me they were going to win, I guess it was when their Attorney submitted a Friend-of-the-Court brief from David Duke.”