By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/31/2018 at 2:45 PM
Brooklyn: Everyone’s favorite immigrant born in Florida who grew up poor in a McMansion has come out forcefully that she is in fact Jewish. Julia Salazar is running for New York State Senate from Brooklyn and has embraced the identity as a Woke Latina Jew. Despite certain statements contradicting her claim of Jewish ancestry from unreliable partisan organizations, like, um, her brother, Julia adamantly stands by her claim of Jewish roots. “I even have a Jewish name! she explained to the Daily Freier. “רחל בת דולזל. She was a hero from the Bible or something. I dunno, the Rabbi explained it halfway through the conversion, but I was texting Shaun King and must have forgotten.“
The Daily Freier asked Ms. Salazar the name of the Rabbi who converted her, and she quickly answered that it was Krusty the Clown’s dad from the Simpsons he works at the same Shul where Tim Whatley converted in the ‘Yada Yada Yada‘ episode. When the Daily Freier tried to delve further into her claim, she accused us of being “Anti-Dentite“.
The Daily Freier then asked Ms. Salazar about her future plans, and she replied: “I really want to win this, praise Jesus, I mean, B’zrat HaShem. But if this doesn’t work out, maybe I can move to Spokane and chair a NAACP chapter.“
So the Daily Freier is suffering from Writer’s Block. Bigly. We’ve tried everything, even showing up at a Secret Tel Aviv job fair totally baked, but Jonny saw us and (very politely) asked us to leave. Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yeah, our case of writer’s block. And, yada yada yada, Sarah Tuttle-Singer! You see, while some petitions seek to shut Sarah down, or shut down the people who want to shut her down, or umm… something about her hair style?….our petition wants Sarah to share MORE. We want Sarah to share more than a vegan cross-fit enthusiast who trades Bitcoin. We want Sarah to share more than your friend who wants to tell you all about his/her/preferred pronoun’s latest juice cleanse. Because we are all out of story ideas this week. And even though you people were less than helpful with our previous petitions trying to reinstate Oren Hazan (again, writer’s block) and trying to get ourselves banned from Israel’s school curriculum (really!), we hold out hope that you, our reading public will do us a solid.
Do it for us. Do it for her Arab cab driver who listens to Carlebach. Do it for the vegan Chabadnik who never lets her win at Shesh-Besh. Do it for the totally chill lesbian off-the-derech couple who always let her use the bathroom in their makolet when she’s walking home from Crave. Do it for The Gay Mizrahi truck driver who always sells the best pomegranates.
So please send the following message: “Help us Obi Tuttle-Kenobi, you’re our only hope.” And sign the petition here.
The Daily Freier
By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 8/26/2018 at 9:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Yehoshua Bin Nun Street: A prominent local Yeshiva has just come out with a bombshell of a Rabbinic insight: that there is in fact a Hell in Judaism, and if you park on the sidewalk you may well be on your way there yourself. You see, compared to our Christian and Muslim friends, Jews have tended to downplay the whole “Hell” thing because we get all of our suffering out of the way in this world. Yet just last week a Yeshiva located in South Tel Aviv saw a groundbreaking Dvrei Torah on the subject. The Daily Freier spoke to the young scholar, Nachum W., about his insights on this important topic.
“The Torah teaches that HaShem loves all of us”. Nachum explained. “Except whoever parked in front of my building last night so that I had to turn my body sideways just to get to my mailbox. That guy? He’s basically Amalek.”
The Daily Freier challenged Nachum that his drosh seemed overly harsh, but he was adamant. “Whoever does this is committing a Chilul HaShem. Bu they don’t care. It’s almost a contest to them sometimes.” Nachum continued. “It gets worse every day. Honestly, these people act as if they have a Government Permit to behave like this.”
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we noticed that we really shouldn’t hurry, because someone had double-parked in front of our car so that he could get some cigarettes from the Makolet and say hi to his friends.
So Israel and the Palestinian Authority ended some sort of dispute, and now Jordan can give them some mail that’s been held up since 2008 (Anyone who thinks this is just because of “The Occupation” is welcome to help us get our $50 worth of clothes from the Gap™ out of Ben Gurion Airport Customs without paying the $30 in fees that they demanded from us). But what long-hidden truths have been revealed? The Daily Freier got one of our Scandinavian backpacker friends to check out Ramallah and come back with a full report. And what a report it was! It’s like a Time Capsule from 2008! The first iPhone! Obamamania! Taylor Swift just broke up with a Jonas Brother! If only we could…. never mind. Anyhoo, here are the Top 10 Revelations in the mail!
10) That gift we need to get Hosni Mubarak for his “30 Years as President” party? Skip.
9) That invite to Qadaffi’s 2011 Folk Dancing Expo and Film Festival in Tripoli? Same.
8) The 2012 “Bashar Assad Salute to Arab Unity Weekend” in Damascus? You seeing a pattern yet?
7) Can somebody tell Mahmoud Al-Mabhouh to watch out for women in floppy hats and guys with tennis rackets when he goes to Dubai?
6) They say that the Zionist Dogs are going to build a High Speed Rail from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv by 2016.
5) That Real Estate Investment Prospectus from Ehud Olmert? No. Just No.
4) Bibi is in BIG Trouble! There is NO WAY the Israeli Left can screw up the 2015 Elections!
3) Obama just beat McCain! We will never get a more sympathetic friend in the White House! Now is the time to really sit down for negotiations and finally get our Palestinian State living in peace next to Israel! Wait, what’s that? We’re just going to blame Israel, do nothing for the next 8 years, and wait for something to happen? OK that also works.
2) Hahahaha! Donald Trump is running for President in 2016! Hahahaha!
1) Wait, Mahmoud Abbas is still in Office???
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/14/2018 at 9:00 PM
Ben Gurion Airport, Terminal 3: Jewish-American pundit Peter Beinart was briefly detained yesterday after setting off the Airport’s Sanctimony Detector. Mr. Beinart, the beating heart of the (very) Liberal (kinda) Zionist Movement, was held and questioned by Airport Security personnel after his answers to their questions triggered the Detector. The machine, known as the Sanctimonitor, began beeping loudly as Peter talked about his Solidarity trips to Hebron, his one-way feud with Bibi, and the Amazing Vegan Co-Op at the Reconstructionist Synagogue near his favorite bike path. The Daily Freier spoke with Yael Z., the alert Security Officer who initially flagged Mr. Beinart.
” The interview began normally.” explained Yael. “But then he mentioned his White Privilege, and the machine started to beep. Then he began adding the phrase “As a Jew” to Each. And. Every. Sentence….. and the machine started to go crazy. Then he mentioned ‘Tikkun Olam’. And ‘Tikkun Olam’. And ‘Tikkun Olam’. Did I mention that he said ‘Tikkun Olam’? …Finally, he compared the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to the #MeToo Movement, (Editor’s Note: Of COURSE he really once did this. And of COURSE he did it in the Forward) and the machine sort of exploded a little bit.”
Yael continued: “After we brought him to another room for further questioning, he started reading out loud from a notebook about how betrayed he felt, how things are never going to be the same, and that this might really be the last time. At first we thought it was a Taylor Swift breakup song, but it was actually just his latest article for the Forward.”
When the Daily Freier challenged Yael that she was singling Peter out, she strongly disagreed. “That’s absolutely not true. I mean, just last year we arrested Thomas Friedman for smuggling clichés.”
The Daily Freier was then able to speak directly with Mr. Beinart about the current Balagan. “I blame this on Trump. (Real World Alert: No. No. He really really Said this!!!) Peter sighed deeply and continued. “Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can keep providing Israel with my free advice on how to run their country.”
Later, the Daily Freier asked Yael if we could stop by during slow hours and play with the Sanctimonitor by ourselves, but she yelled at us and told us to leave.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/13/2018 at 4:45 PM
London, Islington: UK Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn is speaking out forcefully after getting totally busted allegations surfaced that he attended a cemetery memorial service in Tunisia for the Black September terrorists who murdered 11 Israelis athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympic games.
“It looked for all the world like a Gardening Allotment, not unlike my very own patch of lettuce, radishes, and endive right here in Islington.” Mr. Corby explained at his local cafe as he busied himself with a red pen, striking through various sections of the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance’s working definition of Anti-Semitism. “Although it was a bit odd that their allotment had little more than grass and flowers. And a lot of stones with writing on them. Aren’t different cultures simply fascinating?”
While taking Mr. Corbyn at his word, The Daily Freier asked Jezz just why he would attend any kind of event with Black September members, but he was adamant that the whole thing was just a giant misunderstanding. “Black September? That sounds like one of the lesser-known Bank Holidays. Or a weekend festival in Cornwall. Or possibly a Folk Music Trio from the East Midlands.” Jeremy stared into space for a moment and then wondered out loud, “How is it that this strange series of unfortunate events keep occurring around me?”
The Daily Freier wanted to talk to Mr. Corbyn a bit more about his political beliefs, but he politely begged off, explaining “I simply MUST get to work on my response to tomorrow’s Labour Party Anti-Semitism scandal.”
EDITORS NOTE: While this is satire, it is actually somehow less implausible than his actual excuse.
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 8/9/2018 at 6:15 PM
Tel Aviv: Security experts are in a state of alarm today after an Israeli man successfully built a gun using a 3-D Fax Machine. Tel Aviv inventor Udi R. posted a YouTube video last night demonstrating how he built a 9MM pistol using the controversial “3-D Fax Technology“. While the rest of the world sort of “moved on” from Fax machines some time around the final season of “Sex and the City“, here in Start-Up Nation the fax machine is still humming along and is often the only way a government office will accept documents! In fact, Israelis have found many versatile uses for the fax machine, so it only makes sense that someone would use it to build a 3-D gun. The Daily Freier spoke with Udi about his newfound notoriety.
“The Fax machine has fascinated me, ever since the city building inspector accused me of not living in my apartment as we spoke…in my apartment.” explained Udi as we sipped Kafe Kar in a North Tel Aviv cafe. “Then I faxed my lease to his office and he was happy and left me alone after that. So I thought to myself… This device? It’s magical! It can do anything! And then I started working on building a 3-D Fax.”
Experts voiced their concerns about Udi’s invention, with American gun control groups calling for a ban on 3-D faxes, once they are able to find a working fax machine.
Udi says his next project is to fax himself a 200 gram block of decent cheese from Europe that doesn’t cost 80 Shekels.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 8/6/2018 at 11:25 PM
Haifa: Dude you won’t believe how chill the vibe is up here in Haifa! Way more relaxed than Tel Aviv. Haifa is real, man. You gotta come check it out. And guess what? I’m having a party this Thursday! You wanna come up? It’s so easy. Just take the train up, then walk to the buses. Take the bus up the hill past the Bahai Garden. Then get out, turn left, then walk up 200 steps. You’ll pass a kebab place, and right next to it is the bus stop. Take any bus headed Northbound, and get off after 3 stops. Make sure you don’t branch off toward the Technion. So when you get off, walk to the roundabout with the old olive tree in the middle and take your third exit. You’ll see some steps. You only need to go halfway, so don’t take all 40 steps. Anyways, you’ll see a sherut stand. Ask the driver to drop you off at the old factory. He will know exactly what you’re talking about. So when you get off at the factory, walk across the street, then walk up the three flights of steps until you see an old man. Ask him to point you toward the street with the…..Hey, where are you going??? Don’t you want to come to my party?
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/5/2018 at 10:15 PM
London, Islington: Gardening allotment aficionado/Iranian TV Personality/British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn has decided once and for all to find a way forward with the United Kingdom’s Jewish Community and has thus planned an elaborate reconciliation dinner for the evening of Tuesday September 18th. The Daily Freier caught up with Mr. Corbyn as he was weeding his radishes on the allotment, and he shared his vision with the Daily Freier.
“I am really hoping to put this whole unpleasantness behind us, as I outlined in the message I sent to the Jewish Community on Friday night. But I got to thinking: Why not break bread together, much like I’ve done with my friends in Hamas? And what better night to meet up than Mid-Week in Early Autumn, perhaps Tuesday 18 September after Sundown? We could invite everyone: Ken, Diane, George, maybe even old Roger Waters!”
When the Daily Freier asked Jezz if he had run this idea by any actual Jews, he was quick to point out that Jewish Voice for Labour thought it was “a splendid idea.”
As we wished Jeremy good luck, he asked for our opinion on whether to serve cheeseburgers or scallops.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/4/2018 at 2:15 PM
Hollywood: Critics and audiences are raving about the new Sci-Fi hit starring Natalie Portman. The Film titled “Being De-Woked“, is set in a reality where Natalie Portman does not feel the need to constantly make statements about current events that make Snooki sound like Margaret Thatcher. In the film, the Israeli Government notices that Hollyweird is turning Natalie dangerously “Woke“, so they dispatch a crack team of time-traveling Frechot Commandos (names: Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav) to find Natalie in the year 2008, kidnap her, and bring her to a secret Mossad laboratory in the Mojave Desert where she undergoes a controversial “De-Wokeification” process, thus preventing the current reality of a “Woke” Natalie from ever taking place. (Spoiler Alert: the mission is almost compromised when Roni diverts the Time Machine so she can visit the Duty-Free at LAX).
(We’re published over on Israellycool today. Check us out!)