Category: Hen Mazzig

Ariel Gold, Dating and Relationships, Hen Mazzig

Ariel Gold dumps Hen Mazzig for Pine Tree
“Seriously Pine?”

By Emily Goldstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/23/2021 at 5:00 PM

Ithaca: And that’s Hen’s heart that’s breaking down this long-distance line tonight, but he ain’t missing Ariel at all. Since she’s been gone away. He ain’t missing her. No matter what his friends say…. Wait, where were we? Oh yeah. Noted anti-Zionist Ariel Gold has ended her tumultuous relationship with Mossad-funded Hasbara Guy Hen Mazzig. That’s right, the BDS/Zionist Power Couple is no more, before we could even think of a cute name for them like “Bennifer“.

For the past couple of years, self-described Jew-indigenous-to-Spain Ariel Gold feuded with Hen on the Internets, leading to such gems as the time she criticized his shirtless selfie, an amazing online debate for which the Daily Freier created Bingo cards, and the time Ariel tried to kidnap Hen’s pet rabbit. Sure, they broke up from time to time while Ariel yelled at Morton Klein or Ben Shapiro, but they always managed to continue their tumultuous online relationship.

So it was with heavy heart that the Daily Freier discovered that Ariel had recently dumped Hen. For a pine tree. Last week noted British actor Eddie Marsan wrote a nice post on Twitter about a tree planted in his honor by the Jewish Community of the United Kingdom. It all went downhill from there, with Ms. Gold replying with accusations of stolen land, ethnic cleansing, and… (checks notes) ….promoting forest fires. That’s right, there is another target of Ariel’s Anti-Zionist Righteous Indignation, and it’s a Pine Tree named Ido currently growing in the Shfela Region just south of Tel Gezer. With Ido the Pine Tree suddenly the new target of Ariel’s online activism/diary entries, naturally Hen began feeling like the losing end of an Evergreen Love Triangle. The Daily Freier contacted Mr. Mazzig for his take on Ariel branching out leaving breaking up with him for a member of the Coniferous family.

“I still haven’t processed this.” lamented Hen while staring at his coffee hafuch. “This is a complete shock. Just last week I was picking out a house for us in our indigenous land…. near Barcelona.”

The Daily Freier tried to cheer Hen up, noting that there were plenty of wacky and performative BDS activists from the Finger Lakes Region out there waiting to meet him, but he was inconsolable. “I’ve been dumped before for other men, for other women, once even for a cat. But what Ariel has done is the most humiliating thing I’ve ever experienced. I feel like I’ve been cuckolded by Etz HaHayim.“

We had more questions for Mr. Mazzig but he cut the interview short “because it’s time for Mincha.” As we got up to leave, we could hear Hen praying “Shema Spain Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Ehad.“

 

Editor’s Note: If you think this is the last you’re going to hear from Ido the Pine Tree, then you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.

Ariel Gold, Debates 2020, Hen Mazzig

Let’s play Hen Mazzig -vs- Ariel Gold debate Bingo!

Greetings & Salutations! So apparently someone stole a story out of our Dream Journal, because Ariel Gold & Hen Mazzig are debating this Thursday, because 2020, right? Anyhoo, this promises to be Off. The. Hook. After consulting with Guest Writer/Daily Freier Intel source Arielle Calvo, we found a way for you to play along from home. We know you have some amazing rules you could make up for this event that will render you unfit to operate a motor vehicle, so we will leave you to it.

Make your own rules. Pretend you’re Bibi’s government designing our current Corona Lockdown!

So without further ado, meet your Debate Bingo Cards.

Ariel Gold, Hen Mazzig

Hen Mazzig’s pet rabbit in Protective Custody after Ariel Gold’s latest tweet

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/19/2019 at 12:00 PM

Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: Law enforcement moved swiftly in the early morning hours, safeguarding a local rabbit from credible threats. “Shani” is a white angora, and the pet of noted Israel Advocate/Indigenous Rights Activist/Shirtless Selfie afficionado Hen Mazzig. So when noted Code Pink Activist/BDS fan/that one really annoying girl in your NFTY Youth Group Ariel Gold escalated her one-way Twitter feud with Hen, police whisked Shani off to an undisclosed location. The Daily Freier spoke with a visibly frightened Hen at a local cafe.

“This all happened so quickly.” Hen said as he nervously picked at his shakshuka. “One moment Shani and I were just chilling on the balcony people-watching, and then all of a sudden the cops show up and say she has only 2 minutes to pack a bag…. she didn’t even have a chance to finish her carrots and celery smoothie.”

The Daily Freier asked Hen what specifically caused the latest crisis. “At first, it was all sort of innocent. You know, Ariel body-shaming me and teaching me important lessons about my Mizrahi heritage. Then shit just got weird. Stuff about my secret payments from the Israeli Government. Honestly, for a moment I thought I was reading the Forward.” Hen looked nervously around the cafe and continued. “Finally, she tweeted something at me about Ilhan Omar and AIPAC. I couldn’t really understand what she was saying, girlfriend could use a spellcheck once in a while…. but the bottom line is she is not going to be ignored.”

Finally, the Daily Freier was able to Skype with Shani from her undisclosed location. “Things are OK in the Safe House. Apparently I’m not the first animal that stayed here.”  The Daily Freier asked Shani if she has any regrets. “The real tragedy is that I absolutely LOVE Glenn Close movies….. I hope this doesn’t ruin them for me.”

As the Daily Freier was about to end the interview, a visibly relieved Shani noted that Ariel had moved on to yelling back and forth with Morton Klein.

 

 

 

 

Hen Mazzig, The Forward, The Jooz

Hen Mazzig found guilty of living rent-free in The Forward’s head for 2 months

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/17/2018 at 3:00 PM

New York: A Manhattan judge handed down a stern ruling today, ordering that one Hen Mazzig pay restitution to the The Forward after living in their collective heads since September without paying rent or utilities. Since The Forward’s bombshell article in October alleging that Hen might be gay was a paid agent of the Mossad or something, it has become increasingly obvious that Mr. Mazzig had renovated a nice loft with skylights, hardwood floors, and granite countertops somewhere in the collective cerebral cortex of the Forward’s writing staff.

“Clearly the defendant has occupied prime real estate in each of the plaintiffs’ minds.” stated the Judge’s ruling. “After Aidan Pink’s article asserting that Mr. Mazzig was a paid agent of the Israeli Government because, umm, he once served in the Israeli Army, like, umm, almost every other Jewish, Circassian, and Druze Israeli man, the Court had no choice but to award the plaintiff’s claim in full.”

As the Judge’s ruling was read in the packed courtroom, The Forward’s editorial staff and writers erupted in cheers. “This is truly a vindication.” explained reporter Josh Nathan-Kazis. Now I know that I didn’t accuse Hen of ‘literally calling me a Nazi’ in vain, even though he didn’t actually, like, call me a Nazi. Now I can get back to my important work of digging up dirt on Jewish charities that aren’t as Woke as I am. But to be honest, I really didn’t appreciate it when the Judge held me in Contempt of Court for not actually knowing what the word ‘literally’ means. It made me really angry… Literally!”

Reaction outside the court was chaotic, with partisans on both sides making impassioned speeches. Noted Progressive Jewish pundit Peter Beinart addressed the crowd. “As a Jew I feel this ruling is very important. And as a Jew I truly believe that this gets to the heart of the crisis of modern Zionism. Also as a Jew I feel that my continued use of the phrase “As a Jew I” at the beginning of Every. Single. Sentence strikes a blow for solidarity with the Marginalized and Oppressed. Also, As a Jew I feel that I can probably file a class action lawsuit against every Israeli who has disappointed me this year and maybe recoup some rent and utilities like the Forward did.”

As Mr. Mazzig left the courthouse, the Daily Freier asked him at which point he knew that he had lost the case. “I don’t know.” he sighed. “Their legal team just ran circles around me. But if I had to point to one thing that told me they were going to win, I guess it was when their Attorney submitted a Friend-of-the-Court brief from David Duke.”

Hen Mazzig, The Forward, The Jooz

The Forward exclusive: Hen Mazzig rumored to be Gay!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/25/2018 at 12:00 PM

Manhattan: In another journalistic breakthrough from their ongoing investigation of Jews who support the Zionist Entity, the Forward has dropped a bombshell bound to shake the Jewish World to its core. Specifically, there are very credible rumors that Israel/Indigenous Rights advocate Hen Mazzig might be….you may want to sit down for this one…. GAY. Yeah, we know. We were just as surprised as you are. But it’s investigative reporting of this caliber that we’ve come to expect from the journalistic standard-bearer for Jews who like being Jewish but don’t like….there’s no delicate way to say this….. Israel, most Israeli people, the Israeli Government, and probably Israeli pets. The Forward, which has done some a-ma-zing work ever since it decided to go Fully Woke, has apparently decided to answer the rhetorical question that we all have asked at one point after taking the entire bag of edibles at once: “Hey! How would Linda Sarsour’s Twitter feed look if she joined a Bundist Yiddish theater troupe in Williamsburg?”

The Daily Freier was able to Skype with Aiden Pink, the author of the Forward’s stunning exposé of Mr. Mazzig. We congratulated Mr. Pink on his previous article alleging that Hen is in fact an Israeli agent. “Yeah, that story really broke everything wide open, didn’t it?” Aiden explained. “You see, I wanted to shed light on this secret Israeli conspiracy to influence American society, and for the cover photo we superimposed Hen’s face onto a background with the Star of David and some Shekels.” Aiden paused for a moment and reflected. “Wait, do you think that was too subtle?” (Real World Spoiler Alert: They Really Really Did This.)

The Daily Freier then asked Mr. Pink how The Forward discovered that Hen might be gay, and he replied that they first became suspicious when Hen wore that killer suit to the Algemeiner Awards Gala, with no visible wife or girlfriend to dress him. The Daily Freier then asked Aidan what difference any of this would make.

Aiden: By showcasing prominent LGBT citizens, Israel often engages in Pinkwashing.

The Freier: So by ‘Pinkwashing’ do you mean ‘telling the truth about LGBT rights in Israel and telling the truth about LGBT persecution in the Arab and Muslim world’?

Aiden: …..(pause)….. Is there another definition?

The Freier: Moving on to the topic of Hen’s Secret Agent identity. Specifically, what proof did The Forward have of this accusation?

Aiden: He literally worked for the Israeli Government. He served in the Army!

The Freier: But by your standards, all the Jews, Druze, and Circassians in Israel could also be suspected agents.

Aiden: Wait, So what you’re saying is, in a country with universal conscription, literally everyone was in the military?

The Freier: Uh Huh.

Aiden: So my accusation that Hen was an Israeli agent could also be leveled at your Vaad Bayit?

The Freier: Uh huh.

Aiden: And the pretty Mizrahi girl with big hair & giant red acrylic fingernails who works at the phone kiosk in the mall?

The Freier: Uh huh

Aiden: And the guy on Rothschild who keeps trying to sell you a subscription to Haaretz?

The Freier: Uh Huh!

Aiden: Same with the guy at the juice stand on the corner who keeps hitting on the Taglit girls?

The Freier: Uh huh!

Aiden: And the woman on the Number 4 bus yesterday who told a complete stranger that if she wanted to be skinnier, she should stop eating pastries?

The Freier: Uh huh!

Aiden: OMG, it’s almost as if I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about when I wrote the article.

The Freier: We’ve just had what our Therapist calls “a breakthrough”. And this is the sound of us hugging you from 4000 miles away. OMG…. Did we just have a Moment???

UPDATE:  The Daily Freier has independently determined that Mr. Mazzig is in fact NOT a paid agent of the Jooz, because the one time we met for brunch in Tel Aviv, at no point did he offer to pick up the check.