Month: August 2015

Secret Tel Aviv

In Great News for the City’s Hypochondriacs, Hoarders, and Those Just Trying to Find a Nice Sweater for Their Pet Chicken, Website Secret Tel Aviv Now Has an Interactive Map

 

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/31/2015 at 12:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Sheinken:  The city is going crazy about popular local website Secret Tel Aviv’s new interactive map, with Secret Tel Aviv’s key demographic groups leading the way. The doctor-phobic, who previously had to crowd-source their medical diagnosis on the site, can now meet up and consult with like-minded people as a completely suitable and safe substitute for actually, like, you know, going to the doctor and stuff.  In addition, strangers can now find the exact location of that piece-o-crap couch you’ve been trying to sell for 100 ₪.  Most importantly, Tel Aviv residents finally have a better way to source a sweater for their pet chickens.   The Daily Freier talked to some of the map’s biggest fans yesterday at that coffee shop on Ben Yehuda near Frischmann.

“This new map is AMAZING!!!” enthused MASA Program participant Melissa C. as she consulted with several like-minded residents whom she had just met through the map. “Now, let’s say you met a really nice guy who is a Lone Soldier?  And you had an amazing time with him last week at the beach before he had to go back to the Negev? But now, you have, like, a persistent rash on your  left arm and stuff? Now maybe you can find out, like, what it is?”  Melissa’s voice trailed off as she continued; “…….Asking for a friend.”

Despite the enthusiasm for the new product, not everyone in the community shares in the excitement.  The Daily Freier caught up with its old friend, Yossi the Talking Household Mold, and talked to him about his views on this new application.  As he tidied up his new place on Bograshov and hung a framed picture of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef (Z”L) up on the wall, Yossi shared some of his observations about the Map.  “When I first heard about the Map, I gotta admit, I was kind of excited.  Like, now I can learn prevailing wind conditions for the coming weeks, the addresses of prominent shputzniks and how to avoid living near them, maybe find out which buildings in Central Tel Aviv contain sub-standard weather proofing around their windows.  That kind of stuff, news I can use….. But when I open up the map, it’s all henna tattoos and bracelet bars. So yeah; if me and my fellow bridesmaids want to get white-girl wasted the night before our best friends’ Indian-themed wedding on the beach, I’m all for it.  But until then? Thanks but I’ll pass.”

The Daily Freier wanted to continue mocking Secret Tel Aviv’s new map, but is secretly hoping to get some sort of widget for its newspaper included in this exciting and ground-breaking new application.

Tel Aviv Living

Tel Aviv Woman Suffers Panic Attack After Accidentally Wandering Into Ramat Gan

 

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By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/28/2015 at 11:00 AM

Ramat Gan: A Tel Aviv woman was involved in a serious incident today, which could have ended tragically if not for the quick thinking of alert bystanders.  Local realtor Sarit F. suffered a crippling panic attack after accidentally wandering out of Tel Aviv city limits and into Ramat Gan. The Daily Freier talked to Sarit as she convalesced at Ichalov Hospital.

“I had just left Savidor Train Station and was crossing the street.  I must have gotten disoriented by all the construction.  Anyway, I  walked for about ten minutes.  The further I walked, the more confused and scared I got. I mean, the streets became quiet and tree-lined.  The houses looked like they had been built at some point in my lifetime.  At no point was I almost hit by somebody on an electric bicycle.  And there were no signs that a dog had recently relieved itself on the street.  It was horrible. I started to just lose it.  The next thing I know, paramedics were helping me into the ambulance.”

The first-responders credited the quick thinking of passersby for ensuring a happy outcome to this story.  The Daily Freier spoke to some of these Good Samaritans at the scene. “I saw this woman just freaking out in the middle of the street” noted alert local Ronit S. “I used to live in Tel Aviv, so I know the symptoms of ‘Bubble Withdrawal’.  I ran over and gave her some Cofix coffee and then called out for others to help.  So a bunch of people ran over and started to walk five-abreast and speaking French while they almost knocked her down.  Another woman passing by got her cell phone number and code-called her with an opportunity to invest in FOREX……..Then another guy went and peed on the sidewalk.”

In response to this near tragedy, the Tel Aviv Department of Public Safety issued a bulletin to residents listing warning signs that they may be leaving the city and to turn back immediately:

  1. You see a grocery store that offers a wide variety of foods at reasonable prices
  2. You stop at a coffee shop where the waitstaff view themselves as waitstaff and not as actresses, writers, or “about to launch a start-up”
  3. Somebody is wearing a yarmulke
  4. During work hours people are going to or from work or appear in some other way to be gainfully employed
  5. You don’t see any tiny cards on the ground advertising the sex industry
  6. You meet somebody who voted for Netanyahu
  7. There are people on the street who are not walking dogs
  8. You cannot immediately find a yoga studio
  9. You see a man in his 20’s or 30’s who is clean-shaven
  10. Nobody tries to steal your bike
  11. You can’t find Haaretz anywhere

The Daily Freier wanted to stay at the scene longer and conduct more interviews, but being so far from Allenby Street was making us feel kinda not cool and we had to just leave.

Dating and Relationships

Taking a Stand Against Racism, Tel Aviv Man Vows To Also Hit On Foreign Women

Taking a Stand Against Racism, Tel Aviv Man Vows To Also Hit On Foreign Women Daily Freier[Editors Note: When the real-life individual who was the inspiration for this story learned that we wrote this article, he was upset…….that we DIDN’T use his real name!  So here it is again, with his real first name! #becauseisrael]

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/6/2015 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Shuk HaCarmel:  Local guy “Tzion” is taking a stand. Taking a stand against racism, xenophobia, and discrimination…..by vowing to hit on women he meets in Tel Aviv regardless of race or background or national origin or even whether or not they seem interested at first. “What can I say?”, noted a shy and modest Tzion as he sized up a group of what appeared to be attractive Italian backpackers.  “For me to limit my attention to just one group of women just seems…..bigoted and exclusionary.”

Tzion’s one-man ambassadorship of goodwill has not gone unnoticed. Mexican tourist Yanet V. talked to the daily Freier about her recent encounter with Tzion. “Me and my girlfriends were sitting in this amazing bar off of Allenby which was playing the best music: Johnny Cash, Dionne Warwick, even old Springsteen. So Tzion came over and took the time to patiently explain the meaning of the songs to me. He said that “Ring of Fire” was really actually about sex……Come to think of it, he said that all of the songs were about sex.”

Scandinavian graduate student Caty V. also discussed Tzion’s selflessness. “When I told him I wanted to try scuba diving, it was amazing that he was willing to tell me he had his instructor’s license and that we should go to Eilat for the weekend and do some dives. And also that his cousin was out of the country and we could stay at his place. I mean, I’m not Israeli and he doesn’t even know me that well so for him to volunteer his time like this was just incredible. Plus, Tzion seems kinda religious so I know the fact that his cousin’s studio only has a fold-out futon must make him a bit uncomfortable.”

When the daily Frier called Tzion a mensch and a tzadik, he again turned shy and reserved. “I’m doing my best, but I’m just one man. We can make this world a better place. I mean, imagine if more men in Tel Aviv shared my outlook.”

 

Secret Tel Aviv, The IDF

IDF Creates Door-to-Door “Secret Tel Aviv” Team In Case of Wartime Loss of Internet

 

(photo credit: Wikipedia)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/19/2015 at 8:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Home Front Command has teamed up with the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv  in order to create a real-world door-to-door simulation of the site in case the city experiences a wartime loss of Internet.   The Secret Tel Aviv Mobile Team  consists of IDF reservists along with veteran Internet trolls of Secret Tel Aviv, under the command of Captain Uri P., a career officer from Home Front Command.  The Daily Freier sat down with the Captain to learn more about this exciting development.

“This all started during last summer’s Gaza War.  We knew that Hamas was aiming its missiles at Tel Aviv’s critical infrastructure.  We also knew that Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for 50% of all commerce in the city for used cosmetics, old shoes, and broken I-Phones.  In addition, Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for at least a third of all household repairs in the city, from women asking strange men to come unclog their sinks ‘in exchange for coffee’.  So we knew that if Secret Tel Aviv were to go down, it could cripple the city.  I mean, how would Olim Hadashim know that they suck and should return to their country of origin if it weren’t for Secret Tel Aviv?”  Captain Uri went on to explain how he assembles his team.  “If you spend your days on Secret Tel Aviv asking for crowd-sourced advice on your relationship issues, if you try to sell small shampoos that you got from when you stayed in a hotel, if you say ‘Welcome to Israel’ to people who post that their bike got stolen……your country needs you.”

Although the unit officially stood up just this month, The Secret Tel Aviv Team began operating unofficially last summer at the height of the conflict. The Daily Freier spoke to some members of the Tel Aviv public about their experience with Secret Tel Aviv Team.

Alert local Ronit S. described what it was like to see the Secret Tel Aviv Team in action. “The sirens went off at 2 AM, and our building is really old so I grabbed my nieces and nephews and ran down to the basement.  We didn’t have any time so we were all in our pajamas.  The kids were scared and crying. Then Secret Tel Aviv showed up at the shelter.  One of the women started sharing some really personal stuff about what seemed like a serious thyroid condition and asking me for advice. I told her she needed to ask a doctor but she just kept talking.  Then another guy showed me an insect that he found in his kitchen and asked me to identify it. Then the Captain said some really inappropriate shit about how I looked in my nightgown.” Ronit continued to describe the night as she fought back tears; “The fact that they risked their lives in order to just totally waste my time……I have never felt more proud to be Israeli.”

Recent Immigrant Jacques L. also described his experience. “I had just made Aliyah from France in June. So when I went to the public shelter during the alert, I didn’t really know anybody.  But then Secret Tel Aviv showed up.  One guy told me that it was because of me that nobody could afford an apartment, and that I was probably only going to spend 2 months a year there anyway.  Also, a woman told me that her washing machine was broken and that she would be really grateful if I came over and fixed it.  Then she said ‘wink wink’.  I mean I’m French and all but it was still sketchy as hell. Then another guy just started ranting incoherently about FOREX and Binary….It was at that moment that I knew we were all in this together and that Israel is my home.  Am Yisrael Chai.”

Captain Uri told the Daily Freier that based on the early success of Secret Tel Aviv, Homefront Command plans to also create a team that in wartime will go door-to-door with the Facebook page “Keeping Olim in Israel” doing everything they can to convince Olim that they’ve made a huge mistake.

Israel's Spy Animals, The Hamas Bumblebee

Israel Responds to Capture of its Spy Dolphin by Kidnapping the Hamas Bumblebee

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/19/2015 at 8:30 PM

Gaza City– The region is on edge as Israel retaliated for the capture of its spy dolphin off the Gaza coast by kidnapping Nachool the Hamas Bumblebee. Nachool, the host of a popular Gaza children’s show where he says some not-so-nice things about Jews, was snatched up late Wednesday evening and spirited away to an undisclosed location.  While to date there has been no official statement from the Israeli government, the Daily Freier spoke to a Shin Bet agent known only as “Motti” for the inside scoop.

“After Hamas captured our dolphin Shlomi, we knew we would need a bargaining chip to get him back.  So our sources in Gaza told us that Nachool spends Wednesday evenings at his mistress’s hive and is usually strung out on pollen.  When our team kicked in the door, he was so out of it that he didn’t even have a chance to sting us. We were out the door and in the van in 30 seconds.”

After the kidnapping, the streets of Gaza exploded in anger, as locals raged at perceived informants who betrayed their beloved Bumblebee.  Incidentally, Gaza police arrested local television personality Farfour the Mouse on suspicion that he had a role in his rival’s kidnapping.

International reaction to Israel’s action was swift, with Amnesty International, which described Nachool the Bumblebee as “a fruit merchant”, calling for a UN Security Council statement condemning Israel’s actions.  United States Secretary of State Kerry, who was in the region to host a matkot tournament, told the Daily Freier that he was for Israel’s actions before he was against them.

Dogs

Bowing to Public Pressure, Tel Aviv City Council Bans Normal-Sized Dogs

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(Photo Credit: langeasy.com)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/19/2015 at 1:10 PM

Tel Aviv, Hayarkon Dog Park: Tel Aviv dog owners are excited about last night’s City Council decision banning dogs that weigh more than 2 kilograms or less than 50 kilograms.  “It’s about time” said North Tel Aviv realtor Dalit F., as she removed her chihuahua from her purse and released him into the popular dog park located on the South Shore of the Hayarkon River.  “I don’t even understand why anyone would even want a normal-sized dog anyway.  Either the dog should be smaller than a pair of shoes or larger than a pony.” 

Local software developer Avi B. concurred, as he was dragged across the dog park by ‘Otis’, his enthusiastic Irish Wolfhound. “Any North Tel Avivian who wants a regular dog that isn’t tiny enough to be mistaken for a rodent or bigger than my bicycle……..I just don’t want to be friends with this kind of person.”  Avi’s friend Yoni S. then weighed in,  further illustrating the social stigma and ostracism that normal-sized dog owners face in the city. “I was here last week with my Saint Bernard and met a beautiful woman, just really pretty and really nice. I was about to ask her out, and then her beagle ran up to her…….I walked away….. I just walked away.”

The Daily Freier spoke to City Council Chairperson Galit P. who seemed to acknowledge the prejudice that normal-sized dog owners face..  “We want to help the owners of normal-sized dogs, so we are offering grants to defer the costs of moving out of the city.  We’re hoping that they can find a place to start over that is a better fit…….like Ra’anana.”

BDS

Matisyahu Dropped from Music Festival After He Fails To Recognize Narnia as a State

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(Photo Credit: Matisyahu)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/18/2015 at 4:20 AM

Valencia, Spain: Jewish reggae star Matisyahu was disinvited from the Rototom Sunsplash Reggae Festival in Valencia, Spain after he refused to sign a statement recognizing Narnia as a state. Matisyahu was the only artist asked to sign the  statement,which also offered recognition of the Inalienable Right of Return for the Narnian people.  The Daily Freier caught up with event organizer Raoul C. for his views on the controversy.

“We simply asked Matisyahu to sign a statement recognizing Narnia as a state, ruled by Peter Pevensie….Or Aslan the talking lion. Take your pick.  They’re not really big on ‘elections’ and stuff in Narnia.” (when saying ‘elections’, Raoul made quote marks in the air with his fingers). The Daily Freier asked Raoul if Matisyahu’s religion figured into the controversy, but he was adamant that this was not the case. “We asked the same thing of every artist who was a swarthy hooked-nosed cosmopolitan, good with money and generally bad at sports….Just so happened that Matisyahu was the only one that fit the bill this time around.” When the Daily Freier challenged this statement, Raoul retorted “Oh come on….You act like this was the first time a Jew was asked to leave Spain.”

Bikes, Start Up Nation

City That’s Still Trying to Figure Out Where You Should Ride Your Bicycle is Positive It’s Going to Just Nail This Urban Light Rail Thing

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 8/17/2015 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Tel Aviv, a city still wrapping its collective head around where you’re supposed to and not supposed to ride your bicycle, is absolutely positive that it can successfully  plan, build, and operate a complex light rail system linking a dense urban core with outlying regions, while adhering to a strict timetable and budget.  The Daily Freier met up outside of City Hall with Dalia G. from the Urban Planning Department to discuss the project.

“Urban light rail is the logical next step for a modern metropolis like Tel Aviv” noted Dalia, as she deftly stepped aside of an electric bicyclist moving down the sidewalk at 20 Kph.  Dalia continued, “I mean, we are the Start-Up nation. Light rail is a logistical challenge well within our capabilities.”  as she expertly pulled the Daily Freier  reporter out-of-the-way of a driver parking his car halfway onto the sidewalk.  When the Daily Freier asked Dalia if perhaps the city might better spend its resources constructing a Central Bus Station that didn’t look like it was designed by a bargain-hunting Klingon pimp , she grew somewhat impatient. “Listen. We are fully capable of integrating light rail into our existing bus and train infrastructure.  I don’t understand your pessimism.  I mean, really. You act like we’re going to release thousands of rats on the city or something.”

Jerusalem

Shin Bet Actively Recruiting Your Friend Who Can Say With a Straight Face that Jerusalem Has a Great Party Scene

Jerusalem's A-MA-ZING Party SceneBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/13/2015 at 1:30 PM

Jerusalem: Your friend Mike from back home is beginning to attract attention.  As he sat next to you in a bar on Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem telling you just how awesome the city’s scene is, a nondescript man in his mid-50’s discreetly eavesdropped from a nearby table and gave the Daily Freier reporter a quiet play-by-play of unfolding events.

“Just look at how he maintains eye contact with the subject while he tells him ‘Dude, you just don’t know what it’s like up here’” noted the nondescript man, identified only as ‘Motti’.

“Notice how he keeps his arms at his side, signalling  openness, as he completely bullshits the guy by telling him ‘Jerusalem is just as good, JUST as good as Tel Aviv.”

Mike continued uttering complete BS to you as he explained “Jerusalem is actually BETTER, because it’s so underground. Do you know what I’m saying?” And no, you really don’t know what he’s saying.

As Mike continued to spin yarns to you, Motti explained what he saw. “We need this guy on the inside. This man is a pro. The way he completely fabricated a cool Jerusalem subculture that does not in fact actually exist. I don’t understand how he is able to obfuscate with such a straight face and without any telltale verbal tics…….It’s almost as if he’s lying to himself.”

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Shameless Self Promotion

Daily Freier Proudly Presents “Freier Bingo”

1 Freier Bingo 2 Freier Bingo  4 Freier Bingo3 Frieier Bingo

Daily Freier Wednesday Supplemental:

Daily Freier is proud to introduce “Freier Bingo”, the reader’s opportunity to compete for valuable prizes while testing just how Tel Aviv you really are.

Instructions:

  1. Print one of the four pre-generated Bingo Cards
  2. Mark off items or events that you see throughout your day
  3. Compete with your friends
  4. Bring your winning card to Zachary the missing tourist on the 2nd Floor of the Dizengoff Center Mall before 5 PM Friday afternoon
  5. Prizes may or may not involve hummus and punch cards for Aroma Coffee.