Month: April 2024

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Hamas, Top 10

Top Ten Reasons Hamas Wants to Leave Qatar
(photo credit:Wikimedia Commons)

Lately Ismail Haniyeh and Khaled Mashal have been threatening to leave their comfy lair in Qatar, which is a respected actor on the world stage that is definitely NOT a giant gas station/television studio providing aid and comfort to a bunch of psychotic murderers from the 7th century. So yeah… apparently the big machers at Hamas have ants in their pants and their boots are made for walking and…. we’ve lost our train of thought. Anyhoo, Behold! The Top Ten reasons Hamas wants to leave Qatar!

1. John Cusack keeps sexting us.

2. The Kiddush Club here is just one big clique.

3. We want to move to a less Western city like maybe Dearborn.

4. Jeremy found us an amazing sublet in Islington near the Tube.

5. Doha’s Gharqad trees made some very catty comments about my wife’s clothes.

6. Last week we almost got trapped in a taxicab with Thomas Friedman.

7. Tired of making small talk with Martin Indyk at the Al Jazeera company picnic.

8. Just landed a job next Semester teaching Ethics at Columbia.

9. Yesterday I sneezed in the Hotel elevator and the Bellhop said “Lebriut”.

10. My friends in Dublin just elected me to City Council.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Start Up Nation

Heroes: Iran Drones Delayed by Experts from Israeli Postal Service

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 04/14/2024 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem: Israel breathed a sigh of relief this morning after Iran’s missile attack failed to cause serious casualties. Many of us thanked the Armed Forces of the USA, UK, and Jordan for shooting down much of the Armada. We also wondered why it took the Drones and Cruise Missiles like 8 hours to fly here, giving our defenses plenty of warning. Yet few of us know of the Unsung Heroes in Israel who deserve our praise today for the Super Slow Drones. Was it the Mossad? Nope, this time the Israeli Postal Service saved the day by hacking into Iran’s Guidance Systems and causing the Drones to take a much more “relaxed” attitude toward their job! The Daily Freier waited in line at the Post Office near Machane Yehuda for 45 minutes this morning until we could talk to one of Israel’s Modern Maccabees about their Mission.

“It was really quite easy.” explained a Postal employee named Yossi as he snacked on sunflower seeds and lazily glanced at his crossword puzzle. “Me and Yonatan hacked into the Guidance System and added the same Code that we use for ‘Priority Mail’. So yeah, the Missiles took a 3-hour Meal Break and shut off their transponders so Management wouldn’t know where they were.”

The Daily Freier tried to call Yossi a Hero of Zion, but he was reticent. “We just did our jobs. You know, by telling the Onboard Guidance Systems that the woman who had the proper target coordinates had just left early for a 2 Week Holiday Break after which she planned to transition directly to Maternity Leave.” Yossi looked up from his game of Sudoku and winked at us. “Based on a True Story!“

The Daily Freier wanted to continue the Interview, but Yossi told us to come back on Tuesday or Thursday between the hours of 0900 and 1100.