(Please Don’t Try This At Home!)
By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 12/29/2018 at 5:45 PM
Philadelphia: A member of the Reform Jewish Community is lucky to be alive this evening after engaging in a risky drinking game. Adam G. is currently in stable condition after drinking a shot of Scotch each time the Rabbi at his Reform Temple invoked “Tikkun Olam” during the Shabbat sermon. The Daily Freier spoke with bystanders about this near-tragic event.
“I was sitting with Adam in the back of the Sanctuary by that table with all the old issues of Lilith, and things started okay.” explained Adam’s friend Seth. “The Rabbi mentioned the canned food drive, and invoked Tikkun Olam, so Adam took a shot. Fine, whatever. Then the Rabbi kind of got on a roll. When he started talking about Trump, I knew Adam was in trouble. By the time the Rabbi got to his anecdote about meeting Beto O’Rourke at the Austin Rally for Justice, Adam was slurring his words. When the Rabbi started talking about the Fair-Trade Hummus at his Food Co-Op, Adam was on the floor. I started CPR, and everyone sang Bim-Bam until the paramedics arrived.”
According to Adam’s friend Lisa, this sort of risky behavior should not have been a surprise. “Ever since Adam was kicked out of Hebrew Union College Rabbinic School for failing guitar class, he’s been on a bit of a downward spiral. I guess we should have seen this coming.”
According to sources close to Adam, he is “totally done” with the Tikkun Olam Drinking challenge. But tomorrow afternoon he intends to read The Forward and do a Bong Hit every time Peter Beinart starts a sentence with “As a Jew“.
Oy vey ist mir! Great to see you! So did you know my last name comes from the Hebrew word “Shomer”? It means guardian! So I’m a guardian of the Jewish people! I hardly ever tell this story, except at every single Jewish event that I’ve attended for the last 40 years. Oy gevalt!
So how’s my Yiddish schtick? Straight out of the Catskills circa 1958, right? You know, it gives me great naches! And it lets me pretend that I’m still the leader of a political party that hasn’t completely thrown Israel under the bus! LOL! Meshugeneh! So what’s my secret? It’s these magic glasses I wear! Let me explain….
(We’re published on Israellycool today. Check out the entire story over there!)
[SCENE: Midnight in a dark storage room, Ur of the Chaldeans, 1800 B.C.E. A young man smashes idols on the ground. Suddenly, a stranger appears.]
Stranger: Hey bro, what are you doing?
Young man: I am Abram, son of Terah. And these idols are a Chillul HaShem. They must be destroyed.
Stranger: Your cultural insensitivity toward this indigenous folk art is most depressing. By destroying these idols, you are actually building Ghetto Walls of Jewish Exclusivity. I suppose you also want to marry a Jewish woman, and build your very own endogamous ghetto for two (Not-Satire Alert: He Really Really Said this about marrying a Jew.)
Abram: How do these idiots keep finding me?
(The Freier is posted on Israellycool today. Check us out!)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/31/2018 at 2:45 PM
Brooklyn: Everyone’s favorite immigrant born in Florida who grew up poor in a McMansion has come out forcefully that she is in fact Jewish. Julia Salazar is running for New York State Senate from Brooklyn and has embraced the identity as a Woke Latina Jew. Despite certain statements contradicting her claim of Jewish ancestry from unreliable partisan organizations, like, um, her brother, Julia adamantly stands by her claim of Jewish roots. “I even have a Jewish name! she explained to the Daily Freier. “רחל בת דולזל. She was a hero from the Bible or something. I dunno, the Rabbi explained it halfway through the conversion, but I was texting Shaun King and must have forgotten.“
The Daily Freier asked Ms. Salazar the name of the Rabbi who converted her, and she quickly answered that it was Krusty the Clown’s dad from the Simpsons he works at the same Shul where Tim Whatley converted in the ‘Yada Yada Yada‘ episode. When the Daily Freier tried to delve further into her claim, she accused us of being “Anti-Dentite“.
The Daily Freier then asked Ms. Salazar about her future plans, and she replied: “I really want to win this, praise Jesus, I mean, B’zrat HaShem. But if this doesn’t work out, maybe I can move to Spokane and chair a NAACP chapter.“
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 5/26/2018 at 10:30 PM
London: So this week, we learned that a certain group of credulous Lefty London Jews decided to hold Kaddish for the 52 members of Hamas and Islamic Jihad who tried to breach the fence and kill the Jooz unarmed protesters killed by the Zionist Entity this week. But did you know that there were other Gaza Solidarity events this week? The Daily Freier found the ten most profound events and now is sharing them with you, our readers.
- Quidditch for Gaza
- Pimms & Tiny Sandwiches for Gaza
- Improv for Gaza
- Pub Quiz for Gaza
- Yard Sale for Gaza
- Charades for Gaza
- Queers for Gaza (Oops! This actually happened!)
- Curling for Gaza
- Bunko for Gaza
- Salsa for Gaza
(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 12/21/2017 at 1:00 PM
Manhattan: America’s Progressive Jewish Community is currently reeling from some very very disturbing news: the publication of a Passover Haggadah that only……wait for it…..tells the Story of Passover. Random House recently published a Haggadah written by two prominent Rabbis that purports to tell the story of the Jewish People’s escape from bondage in Egypt without any allusions to Donald Trump, Gun Control, Fracking, or a $15 Minimum Wage. Well if you think our Woke Jewish Brothers and Sisters were going to take this development lying down, you are sorely mistaken. A protest tent was quickly erected outside of the publishing house and a 24 hour protest vigil began. Were there guitars? Of course there were. The Daily Freier stopped by and spoke with a few select members of the tie-dye tallit gang to get the Real Story.
“There is absolutely nothing in this so-called ‘Haggadah’ on Climate Change.” fumed Rabbi Allyssa Finkelstein-O’Neill. And yes, she made “air quotes” with her fingers when she said “Haggadah”. Rabbi Finkelstein-O’Neill leafed roughly through the Haggadah until she found a particularly offending tract. “There! King of the Universe??? Really? You are literally supporting the Patriarchy! The entire book is just one big Hate Crime. And don’t get me started on the word for “husband” in Hebrew.”
As the Daily Freier walked past a number of protesters wearing pink kippot shaped like Tel Aviv’s Shuk HaCarmel, we met up with a food co-op manager named Dylan. “I really can’t be in the same room as this book. It is literally everything-phobic. I mean, How can they justify a Haggadah that contributes absolutely Nothing to the intersectionality debate? Plus, the entire Plagues section needs a trigger warning….Also as a vegan, I refuse to sing Hagadya….And no surprise here, but the book fails to mention Mike Pence once!”
The Daily Freier then spoke with a cantorial soloist named Elyse. “Moses telling Yithro’s daughters that they can use the well because he said it’s OK? I mean, mansplain much?” Elyse continued. “This whole Haggadah just reminds me that I’m literally offended by everything. I’m just glad I have enough copies of the J-Street Haggadah from last year.”
A spokesperson for the protesters said they intend to remain at the site indefinitely, “Or at least until we get bored of singing Shalom Rav“. Also, in an attempt to break down boundaries, tomorrow’s protest there will also include some tallit on men.