Category: Tikkun Olam

Quiz: Is it a Peter Beinart Op-Ed or Taylor Swift Breakup Song?

Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of whether you are reading Peter Beinart’s latest impassioned critique of the Jewish State or Taylor Swift’s latest breakup song. Like, it’s an honest mistake. One of them is moody, self-absorbed, and uses the pen to lash out at perceived betrayals when a relationship ends…… And the other one used to date a Jonas Brother.  But anyhoo, we thought we would quiz the loyal readers of Israellycool. Good luck!

(The Daily Freier wrote this on Israellycool. Go check it out and take the Quiz!)

 

 

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Times of Israel arrested for stealing Haaretz’s Identity

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/5/2017 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem: The nation’s journalistic community is in shock today after police launched an early morning raid on the Times of Israel’s Headquarters and arrested key personnel. A Jerusalem Magistrate issued a warrant early this morning for the arrest of the Times of Israel on the charges of stealing the identity of Haaretz. As the nation’s venerable Lefty newspaper, Haaretz is widely read outside of Israel by the Jewish State’s many critics while being read by as many as three dozen people who actually live here. But anyhoo, the Times of Israel, which started out a few years ago after telling the Jerusalem Post that it was time that they started seeing other people, used to be kind of normal. Reflecting an Anglo readership that was socially liberal but kinda to the Right on Security issues. Then things got a bit weird. Both with their coverage of Israel and abroad. Especially the States. It kinda felt like we were trapped in our childhood Reform Temple’s Wednesday Night Confirmation Class. Like forever…. And they kept ranting about Trump. A lot (And trust us, we know that there is a lot about Trump that you can make fun of.)…. But then they started stalking Haaretz. And sifting through Haaretz’s trash. And changing their hairstyle and their clothes to match Haaretz. And copying their voice intonation. Like that film in the 90’s with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh or something.

Yet despite the Times’ recent leftward funk, today’s events came as quite a shock, especially to the folks who got arrested. As police escorted the handcuffed journalists out of the Times of Israel building, one unidentified female in her early 30’s screamed “My flask! My flask! Hey be careful you idiots! That’s Laphroaig dammit!

After the journalists were led away, the police held an impromptu Press Conference which was attended by the victims of this Identity Theft. Amira Hass got up to speak first. “Today I stand in solidarity with the Palestinians. For today I too had my identity taken away from me. Today was my Naqba.” Then it was Gideon Levy’s turn, and he described further details of the alleged theft. “I know that the Times of Israel broke in and stole my ideas. I mean, My Dream Journal is missing. Also my windchime. But they’re going down. My cat saw everything.

After the Victims’ Testimony, the police played a grainy surveillance video of two editors meeting in the Times of Israel Break Room.

———–

Unidentified Female (North American accent): You know what Israel needs?

Unidentified Male, (British accent): I give up. What?

Unidentified female: ANOTHER Lefty newspaper in English!

Unidentified Male: OMG Absolutely! Say… are you going to pass that joint or what?

————

Meanwhile, the not-at-all-Loony-Left Tel Aviv-based Blog “+972 “  complained that nobody has tried to steal their identity yet.

With the Times of Israel appearing to have imitated multiple facets of the Haaretz style, Tel Aviv residents want to know when the Times will also hold a cultural conference where a performance artist sticks a flag in his butt and pelts the audience with oranges. (And Yes. This really happened.)

(DISCLAIMER: The Freier still wants to blog for the Times from time to time. I mean, If that’s cool. No harm no foul? Call us maybe?)

Peter Beinart’s Bible Study

Scene: Hebron, 1800 B.C.E

Abraham: Oy vey ist mir! My beloved Sarah has died! Efron the Hittite, please let me bury my wife here.

Efron the Hittite: Fine, fine. Pick a cave. Mi cave es su cave.

Abraham: Efron, you are a real tzadik. But let me drop some shekels on you. How does 400 silver sound?

Efron: plus VAT?

Abraham: Yeah sure, plus VAT. Also, maybe we could cut a deal on recurring maintenance and….

(A stranger approaches)

Abraham: Can we help you?

Stranger: So that’s it? You think you can justify the Occupation with a few shekels?

Abraham: Sorry, but who the hell are you?

Stranger: I am Peter the Beinart. And you need to check your privilege.

(THE FREIER GUEST WROTE THIS STORY OVER ON ISRAELLYCOOL. CHECK IT OUT!)

Nefesh B’Nefesh brings first plane of post-election whiny Trustafarians to Israel

(TRIGGER WARNING! This article will hurt your feelings.)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/6/2016 at 3:30 PM

Ben Gurion Airport, Israel: With the crushing news that in a nation of 300 Million people there is a chance that other people have different ideas than you, America’s progressive Jewish voices have been crying out. The Daily Freier sent its intrepid reporters to the finest Fair-Trade Food Co-Ops in Brooklyn to find out what the deal is.

This isn’t fair! I just can’t believe how racist Florida, Iowa, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin and Ohio are! ” complained Aviva C. as she sifted through gluten-free pretzels. When the Daily Freier noted that each of these states voted for Barack Obama just 4 years ago, she countered “Well maybe it’s like adult-onset racism?

That’s it. I’m moving to Israel.” complained Danielle B. “I refuse to live in a country that would let a bombastic womanizing demagogue hold public office.

Others were more circumspect. “Like part of me wanted to stay and like Resist and stuff but I’m kinda scared.” explained Jesse T. as he set up chairs for tonight’s “#NotMyPresident” poetry slam benefit. “There’s just so much scary stuff. It’s almost as if  we need an Amendment to the Constitution that would guarantee each citizen the right to self-defense or something.

So with things heating up at home, and moving to Canada inexplicably not as easy as cancelling a gym membership, some in today’s Progressive Jewish Community are deciding to move to a country that they aren’t totally keen on but which is legally obligated to take in their tuchuses. So Nefesh B’Nefesh has been a bit busy, and triumphantly announced the arrival of the first plane in what is quickly being dubbed “The Trustafarian Aliyah”. Our intrepid reported Yuval managed to hitch a ride home on the flight, and boy does he have some stories to tell.

The flight almost did not take off after several Olim set off the metal detectors at JFK Airport because of all the safety pins they were wearing to show “that they were allies”. But the flight took off, and once they celiac/vegan/gluten issues with the meals got sorted out, the flight actually went quite smoothly.

But once everyone arrived at Ben Gurion, things really got good.  As the newest Israelis worked their way through their in-processing, the lady from the Jewish Agency who prints ‘Teudat Zeut’ National ID Cards reported that her computer had crashed from trying to process all of the hyphenated names and “Native American Spirit Animals” that the Olim insisted be added to their Cards. Additionally, the demand that the ID Cards list preferred pronouns and peanut allergies bogged down the process for several hours. Meanwhile, as the American Olim were being in-processed, a flight of Olim from the Ukraine arrived. Ben K., an actor and artisan beekeeper took the time to explain to a Ukrainian named Sasha that he was also fleeing violence and oppression. Sasha stared at him for a minute without speaking and then wandered off.

The Daily Freier decided to let our newest Israelis get situated, then checked back with the group a few days later. The Madrichim (Counselors) assigned to the team admitted that it was slow-going, but that they had made some progress in explaining that the public bomb shelters and fortified rooms in each building could actually be referred to as “Safe Spaces”. Then we reunited with Jesse from the Food Co-Op, who vented some of his feelings. “So things are alright I guess. But like what’s with all the military stuff? I mean, all these guns everywhere left me feeling… triggered.

Ulpan Hebrew language classes started yesterday as well. And Danielle from the Food Co-Op is totally not having it. “So what’s with the masculine and feminine nouns? I mean, would you like some hummus with your misogyny? Can’t we changed the Hebrew language?” (EDITOR’S NOTE: We wrote this as a joke…. then we read the Washington Post yesterday.) “And Don’t get me started on the Hebrew word for husband. This is NOT. OK.” When asked if she had a message for her new country, Danielle replied “I just want people here to know that I’m offended by everything.

On the bright side, things are looking up for Haaretz.

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Peter Beinart Criticizes Israel For Its Lack of Interest in Peter Beinart

Peter Beinart Criticizes Israel For Its Lack of Interest in Peter Beinart

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/15/2016 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Peter Beinart, the conscience of modern Progressive Judaism and all around Liberal Zionist Bad Boy, is not too thrilled with the choices that Israel has been making lately. And he’s not afraid to tell us. In fact, Pete is currently quite cross with us for ignoring his amazingly prescient advice about the Peace Process, to the extent that he now takes press junkets to Judea and Samaria with J-Street in order to pester goats.  His powerful voice has hit Israel like a bombshell, compelling everyday Israelis to stop what they’re doing and ask themselves “Just who does Peter Beinart think he is? No, Really. We’re kinda drawing a blank right now. Who is he again?

(The Daily Freier Appears on Israellycool Today! Stop by and Check it Out!)

“Women of the Wall” celebrate right to daven as Men by daytrading on their phones at Shachrit and falling asleep during Dvrei Torah

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 2/12/2016 at 11:30 AM

Jerusalem, HaKotel: The progressive Jewish community both in Israel and abroad is celebrating the recent ruling allowing women to pray at the Western Wall while wearing Talit, wrapping Tefillin, and holding the Torah. Yet while many in the Progressive World are applauding these steps, other voices feel that the struggle is not over. “We demand full equality, and we will only have this when we have the right to perform all of the activities that are traditionally performed by men.” noted Rabbi Miriam G. as she began furiously daytrading an IPO on her I-Phone during Silent Amidah.  “It is time to break down these artificial constructs and free ourselves.” she said while walking around telling total strangers that she didn’t like the way they wrapped their Tefillin.

The Daily Freier also had the opportunity to hear from activist Tirza W. “This is not just a victory for Women of the Wall, this is a victory for inclusion and equality.” she observed, shortly before falling into a coma-like sleep as the Rabbi began her Divrei Torah on this week’s portion.

At this point the Daily Freier left the premises, as the women ignored us to angrily debate the referee’s calls in yesterday’s game.

 

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New Israel Fund demands immediate resignation of the Israeli voting public

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By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/13/2016 at 5:30 PM

New York: In a strongly worded statement, the Progressive NGO “New Israel Fund” (NIF) demanded the immediate resignation of the Israeli Voting Public for what it described as “continued attacks on Democracy” for exhibiting voting patterns described as “frightening and disconcerting”.  NIF Spokesperson Naomi Paiss expanded on this statement at a Press Conference at their New York Headquarters attended by the Daily Freier earlier today.

Maybe things are just more obvious from New York, Washington, or Stockholm, but it’s as if the Israeli public is totally ignorant of their own best interests.” Ms. Paiss stated. “I mean, who the hell are these so-called “voters” anyway???” Ms. Paiss asked. “It’s almost as if they don’t even read Haaretz.”  Ms. Paiss continued on the possible repercussions of the Israeli Public’s continued behavior. “I’m sorry, but I need to break my silence on this topic. If this goes on, we may need to replace the public.”

At the conclusion of the Press Conference, Ms. Paiss conducted a question and answer session with the assembled media.  When The Daily Freier asked Ms. Paiss if by her definition of  “values contrary to a Democracy” she meant  “voting for people or stuff that I don’t like“, she paused, looked at us like we just said that we really like Nickelback and replied  “And there’s ANOTHER Definition????”  When the Daily Freier challenged Ms. Paiss on this conclusion, she retorted, “Oh don’t look at me like that. You’re acting like we indirectly supported the lynching of Arabs for selling land to Jews or something.”