Category: Tikkun Olam

The Daily Freier offers to testify against PreOccupied Territory in defamation lawsuit

Dear Rabbi Jacobs,

Greetings and Salutations from Medinat Tel Aviv! We understand that a certain “satire site” in Israel wrote some not-so-nice things about you. In a nutshell, that your reaction to the slow-motion pogrom going on in New York has been muted by the fact that the assailants were not in fact wearing MAGA hats and/or driving pickup trucks. Basically saying that when it comes to choosing between standing up for your fellow Jews and being Wokety Woke, you voted “Present”.

We also note Elder of Ziyon’s report that your lawyer notified PreOccupied Territory that in so many words you will sue the shit out of him the satirical article was not immediately recognizable as satire and that he needed to retract said article or face possible legal action for defamation of character.

As a free speech advocate and artist, here is our response to your threats against a fellow writer: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET US HELP YOU. We will turn State’s Evidence. We will wear a wire. We will sell him out faster than Vanilla Ice sold out in the 90’s. We will provide so much dirt that Takashi-69 will urge us to “Stop Snitching”.

Why are we doing this? Because we believe in Tikkun Olam. Not because, and we cannot stress the point enough, that this is somehow an opportunity for us to eliminate our chief rival in the highly lucrative world of Anglo-infused Israeli satire. Definitely not that. Tikkun Olam! (Kind of off-topic, but who is your favorite figure skater? Ours is Tonya Harding!)

Anyhoo, tell your lawyer to get in touch with us. Let’s make this happen. But nicht Shabbes geret.

United in Solidarity,

ATTACHMENTS:  Letter, Same Subject
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“But I’m making a Difference!” American woman creates fake MASA program to stay in Israel

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 12/19/2019 at 3:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Weizman: An American citizen is under arrest today after authorities discovered that she’s been running a fake MASA program for over a year. MASA is a a public-service organization founded by the Government of Israel together with The Jewish Agency. Alison R. was detained early this morning after a month-long investigation.  Apparently she created the NGO so she could stay in Israel “because I LOVE LOVE LOVE it here.” The Daily Freier was able to speak to Alison while she  live-blogged her experience in the Tel Aviv District Court’s holding facility.

I really don’t see what the big deal is.” complained Alison as she posted photos of her detention cell to Secret Tel Aviv. “I’m making a difference in the Community. Also, believe me, I have done A LOT for Israel.

The Daily Freier asked Alison how she first decided to create a fake MASA program and she explained. “So I did my homework…. and discovered that every MASA program needs to be a combination of the following words: Start-Up, Communities, Women, Internship, Impact, Periphery, and Water. So I created ‘Women of the Periphery Sustainable Water Impact Start-Up Internship’. Wait… do you think they’ll let me out in time to go to Kuli Alma before it gets crowded? It’s Old School Hip Hop Night!”

The Daily Freier then spoke with the Israeli Police Anti-Fraud Task Force to demand answers on how this deception was able to go on for so long. Lead Investigator Lieutenant Dalit S. explained. “Our greatest challenge is that Alison’s NGO didn’t sound any less ridiculous than your average MASA program. During our investigation, we uncovered an NGO that builds gender-segregated religious dog beaches. We were about to arrest them until we discovered it was for real.

UPDATE: Authorities released Alison after learning that 50 people have already applied for 8 positions with her Women of the Periphery Sustainable Water Impact Start-Up February 2020 Internship. Also, half of your Taglit bus wants to extend their trip to volunteer there “because it sounds A-Ma-Zing.

BREAKING: Reform Judaism to permit Tallit on Men

(photo credit: Our Friends/Really Good Sports over at Reform Judaism)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 10/2/2019 at 8:20 AM

Cincinnati: Last week’s Conference on Reform Judaism at Hebrew Union College apparently yielded a far-reaching and controversial ruling. Effective immediately, Reform Synagogues will also allow men to wear Tallit! As soon as The Daily Freier found out, we grabbed our funky oversized kippot and flew to Cincinatti for this historical occasion. We almost couldn’t wait until after Rosh Hashana to publish the story, but we somehow found the strength.

We first met with HUC Spokesperson Melissa T. about the big change. “This ruling is truly a symbol of Tikkun Olam. The very act of men now donning Tallit embodies the concept of Tikkun Olam.” The Daily Freier asked if she had anything to add to her statement. “Tikkun Olam!” she replied.

The Daily Freier then spoke to aspiring Rabbi Adam G. “This ruling is a real game changer. I can’t wait to wear tallit in my congregation as a new Rabbi….. I mean, just as soon as I get a passing grade in guitar class.

Results from Israel were swift, with Prime Minister Netanyahu making a strong statement. “My message to American Jews is simple: Regardless of how you feel about today’s ruling, we in Israel stand ready to continue cashing your checks. And when it comes to questions of religious pluralism versus tradition, we in Israel stand ready to continue cashing your checks.

UPDATE: The Reform Movement says it’s “too soon” to speculate whether they will permit Shabbat services without tambourines.

Peter Beinart converts to As-A-Jewdaism

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/22/2019 at 10:00 AM

Brooklyn: Excitement was in the air today as a leading As-A-Jewish pundit took the plunge and embraced the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. Noted critic of Israeli policies Peter Beinart dipped into the mikvah at Brooklyn’s Congregration Gates of Self-Righteousness and became a part of the As-A-Jewish people. The Daily Freier was on the scene to share in the simchas.

As the Congregation waited for the ceremony to begin, machers from the various denominations of As-A-Jewdaism milled about in the Jewish Lobby: Bundists, Julia Carmel Bat Dolezal, IfNotNow, Jew-ish Voice for Peace, and some writers for the Forward.  Then a hush fell on the crowd as Rabbi Ari L. Gold and Mr. Beinart walked into the room. Rabbi Gold welcomed the audience. “This is an amazing day for me As A Jew as we welcome Peter to the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. As a Jew I feel that Peter will be a great addition to our movement.”

The crowd remained silent as they waited for Mr. Beinart’s response.

As a Jew I agree with you!” exclaimed Peter to wild applause.

Peter then gave a moving Dvar Torah, that felt kinda like a laundry list of why he thinks Israel sucks and kinda like a Taylor Swift breakup song. He mentioned Trump a lot. And Bibi of course. Also Marc Lamont Hill’s dreaminess. Honestly, there was a lot to unpack. But eventually he finished and then everyone went downstairs to the Social Hall/Food Co-Op for the reception. The Daily Freier was excited to ask the congregants about their fascinating religion.

You see, As-A-Jewdaism has the same Holy Books as Traditional Judaism, we just interpret them differently.” explained Jesse from IfNotNow. “Also, we use a lot of Yiddish. Because Israelis don’t. And if we don’t know what a cool-sounding Yiddish word actually means, we use it anyway. Like ‘kvelling’. Because As A Jew!”

Honestly, I never thought this would happen so quickly.” enthused Christine from Jew-ish Voice for Peace. “I mean, by converting before the High Holidays, Peter is giving up an incredible opportunity to write one of his “Crisis of the Soul” think-pieces for Haaretz about why some combination of the Kol Nidre service, Ivanka, and Breaking the Silence caused him to make this decision.” Christine lowered her voice to a whisper and moved in closer. “I’m telling you, even the bookies in Las Vegas were shocked by how fast Peter made the switch.

Finally, the Daily Freier was able to talk to the man of the hour, Mr. Beinart. “I just hope that my actions As A Jew send a signal. You know, about my virtue. Oh, and also about the fast-growing religion of As-A-Jewdaism.” The Daily Freier asked Mr. Beinart if the conversion process was difficult. “Honestly, I’ve been on this road for quite a while, so it just felt natural.” Peter paused for a moment and continued. “Best of all, they didn’t make me do another Brit Milah because I was already an insufferable prick.”

Reform Jew hospitalized after doing whiskey shot each time Rabbi mentioned “Tikkun Olam”

(Please Don’t Try This At Home!)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 12/29/2018 at 5:45 PM

Philadelphia: A member of the Reform Jewish Community is lucky to be alive this evening after engaging in a risky drinking game. Adam G. is currently in stable condition after drinking a shot of Scotch each time the Rabbi at his Reform Temple invoked “Tikkun Olam” during the Shabbat sermon. The Daily Freier spoke with bystanders about this near-tragic event.

I was sitting with Adam in the back of the Sanctuary by that table with all the old issues of Lilith, and things started okay.” explained Adam’s friend Seth. “The Rabbi mentioned the canned food drive, and invoked Tikkun Olam, so Adam took a shot. Fine, whatever. Then the Rabbi kind of got on a roll. When he started talking about Trump, I knew Adam was in trouble. By the time the Rabbi got to his anecdote about meeting Beto O’Rourke at the Austin Rally for Justice, Adam was slurring his words. When the Rabbi started talking about the Fair-Trade Hummus at his Food Co-Op, Adam was on the floor. I started CPR, and everyone sang Bim-Bam until the paramedics arrived.”

According to Adam’s friend Lisa, this sort of risky behavior should not have been a surprise. “Ever since Adam was kicked out of Hebrew Union College Rabbinic School for failing guitar class, he’s been on a bit of a downward spiral. I guess we should have seen this coming.

According to sources close to Adam, he is “totally done” with the Tikkun Olam Drinking challenge. But tomorrow afternoon he intends to read The Forward and do a Bong Hit every time Peter Beinart starts a sentence with As a Jew.

 

 

With my magic glasses, I can’t see the Anti-Semites in my party, by Chuck Schumer

magic glassesOy vey ist mir! Great to see you! So did you know my last name comes from the Hebrew word “Shomer”? It means guardian! So I’m a guardian of the Jewish people! I hardly ever tell this story, except at every single Jewish event that I’ve attended for the last 40 years. Oy gevalt!

So how’s my Yiddish schtick? Straight out of the Catskills circa 1958, right? You know, it gives me great naches! And it lets me pretend that I’m still the leader of a political party that hasn’t completely thrown Israel under the bus! LOL! Meshugeneh! So what’s my secret? It’s these magic glasses I wear! Let me explain….

(We’re published on Israellycool today. Check out the entire story over there!)

Michael Chabon revisits the story of Abraham

[SCENE: Midnight in a dark storage room, Ur of the Chaldeans, 1800 B.C.E. A young man smashes idols on the ground. Suddenly, a stranger appears.]

Stranger: Hey bro, what are you doing?

Young man: I am Abram, son of Terah. And these idols are a Chillul HaShem. They must be destroyed.

Stranger: Your cultural insensitivity toward this indigenous folk art is most depressing. By destroying these idols, you are actually building Ghetto Walls of Jewish Exclusivity. I suppose you also want to marry a Jewish woman, and build your very own endogamous ghetto for two (Not-Satire Alert: He Really Really Said this about marrying a Jew.)

Abram: How do these idiots keep finding me?

(The Freier is posted on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

Fact Checker: every word in Julia Salazar’s bio is false. “Even the punctuation.”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/10/2018 at 4:17 PM

Brooklyn: An exhaustive and comprehensive review of New York State Senate candidate Julia Salazar‘s stated biography has revealed that every single part of it was totally made up, including the words ‘and’, ‘the‘, the number ‘3‘, the letter ‘Q‘, and all of the punctuation to include the commas, semi-colons, and parentheses.

The Daily Freier Institute for Fact Checking Excellence released their report this morning, and it has taken the media by storm. You know how the TV News awards you ‘Pinocchios’ if you make something up?” explained The Freier Institute’s lead Fact Checker Aaron Pomerantz. “We literally don’t have enough ‘Pinocchios’ to award her so we rated her “Geppetto” in hopes that this will lead to the creation of more Pinocchios.

Mr. Pomerantz then laid out his Institute’s findings: “Not only did she create the image of growing up poor despite living in a McMansion and having a $600,000 Trust Fund, she also created a Jewish family identity completely unknown to her brother and parents. Additionally, she appears to be the only person to ever immigrate to America from…. Florida.” Mr. Pomerantz then described further inconsistencies. “See that comma in paragraph 2? She made it up. Also that semi colon. And that apostrophe. Also the letter “Q” in that footnote over there. Then there’s that Number “6” in the addendum. Fake, Fake, Fake, Fake.”

When contacted about the accusations that her entire biography is false right down to the punctuation, her Campaign spokesperson responded that it depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.

Julia Salazar: “My Hebrew name is רחל בת דולזל”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/31/2018 at 2:45 PM

Brooklyn: Everyone’s favorite immigrant born in Florida who grew up poor in a McMansion has come out forcefully that she is in fact Jewish. Julia Salazar is running for New York State Senate from Brooklyn and has embraced the identity as a Woke Latina Jew. Despite certain statements contradicting her claim of Jewish ancestry from unreliable partisan organizations, like, um, her brother, Julia adamantly stands by her claim of Jewish roots. “I even have a Jewish name! she explained to the Daily Freier.רחל בת דולזל. She was a hero from the Bible or something. I dunno, the Rabbi explained it halfway through the conversion, but I was texting Shaun King and must have forgotten.

The Daily Freier asked Ms. Salazar the name of the Rabbi who converted her, and she quickly answered that it was Krusty the Clown’s dad from the Simpsons he works at the same Shul where Tim Whatley converted in the ‘Yada Yada Yada‘ episode. When the Daily Freier tried to delve further into her claim, she accused us of being “Anti-Dentite“.

The Daily Freier then asked Ms. Salazar about her future plans, and she replied: “I really want to win this, praise Jesus, I mean, B’zrat HaShem. But if this doesn’t work out, maybe I can move to Spokane and chair a NAACP chapter.