Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Gossip is circulating in Central Tel Aviv of a potentially scandalous development, that the new bartender at that cool place off of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard is, in fact, heterosexual. Well-regarded bartender David S. has found himself subjected to a whispering campaign by his customers and co-workers. The Daily Freier Cultural Affairs reporter was on the scene hearing the word on the street.
“I just feel that there’s been a lack of honesty,” noted concerned patron Avi T. “I always thought that we had a good rapport. I even planned to introduce him to my Cousin Brian when he visits in late August. But last night after I got up to go to the bathroom, I’m pretty sure he started macking on my girlfriend.”
Co-worker Devorah C. was also looking for answers. “I’ve known David for almost a year and he’s just the best. But I don’t know what to think. Ever since I made Aliyah, my gaydar is way off. It’s like the Mossad is jamming it or something. I mean just last week at the Namal Boardwalk I was hassled for 10 minutes by a sleazy guy wearing capri pants. Capri……pants.”
As the Daily Freier departed , a German tourist with a goatee informed us that if David is in fact straight, he wasn’t last night.
Tel Aviv: A wave of relief passed over the city as Tel Aviv learned that a missing tourist, feared kidnapped, is simply somewhere on the third floor, east wing of Tel Aviv’s sprawling Dizengoff Center Mall. American college senior Zachary F. was last seen walking into the mall from the King George Street entrance last Wednesday. When he failed to return to his hotel for two days, alert staff notified the authorities, who in turn reached out to his family in the United States.
A reporter from the Daily Freier’s Crime and Justice section managed to locate Zachary near the candle shop that nobody ever goes into. “I tried to contact my family, but the Wi-Fi here really sucks. I finally managed to send an email to my dad, but he only checks it when he’s at work. I even tried Facebooking my mom, but since I forgot that she only communicates IN ALL CAPS, BY WRITING ON MY FACEBOOK WALL, she never got the message.”
Despite the harsh environment, Zachary has shown remarkable resourcefulness and resilience. “I took two semesters of Russian, so me and the security guards have really hit it off well. One of them gives me half of his sandwich every morning. But when I asked him for help getting out of here, he just kinda smiled, cackled, rubbed his hands together, and talked in riddles. Also, I think I might have a date with the girl from the coffee shop on the second floor, but where am I going to take her? That sketchy tattoo shop by the Dizengoff street pedestrian overpass??”
As the interview ended, Zachary asked the reporter if he could follow us out to the exit, but we’re really in kind of a hurry and just gotta go. Good luck!
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Local web designer Tamar B. has given her boyfriend Natan an ultimatum: either grow a decent beard within 2 weeks or they are breaking up. Tamar opened up to the Daily Freier’s Lifestyles and Leisure reporter: “When I first met Natan, I really thought he had potential. It was summer and he had some stubble that looked really good with his tan. Then time went by and I started dropping subtle hints about a beard, but he just didn’t get it. I mean HELLO, not only do I live in Tel Aviv, but I live on Rothschild. Should I have made this a bit more obvious and just moved to Florentin???” Tamar went on to note just how embarrassing it was that all of her girlfriends knew she was dating a beard-deficient man. “I can’t take this. Everyone’s starting to talk. Like, Naomi’s boyfriend has the full Tel Aviv hipster beard. She’s basically dating Theodor Herzl. And me? I’m stuck with Mister ‘I can’t help it, it’s genetics’.”
Daily Freier caught up with Natan for his take on this troubling development. “I really don’t know what to do” shared a visibly shaken Natan. “I’ve tried everything. I asked the Yeshiva Bochers at the booth outside Shuk HaCarmel, I mean they’re only like 19 with beards twice as thick as mine, but they just told me to lay Tefillin and the problem would solve itself……It didn’t.” Natan went on to explain the potentially dangerous procedures he was subjecting himself to; “My Vad Bayit, Shlomo might be the hairiest man who can still be classified as human. He told me to apply a mixture of hummus and motor oil to my face before bed each night…….nothing. But now I smell like a snack bar in a Be’er Sheva gas station.”
As the story went to press, there were unconfirmed sighting of Natan outside of the Jaffa Scientology Headquarters, gesturing to his face and talking to a sympathetic woman wearing khaki pants, a denim shirt and carrying a clipboard.
Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: After arriving with high hopes of success just 6 weeks ago, Tel Aviv’s Jellyfish population has packed its bags and begun migrating northward toward better opportunities along the Levantine Coast.
“I tried, I really tried.” shared a disappointed medusa Ethan S. “I did Ulpan, but outside of class me and my friends only speak jellyfish and I never really made friends with locals. Also, I’m not sure if this was an issue, but whenever I hung out with Israelis, I would just sting the shit out of them.”
“I just couldn’t afford it.” noted a translucent purple Shoshanna P. “I was living with three roommates in Florentin. I couldn’t find any work besides Forex. I mean, I attack unsuspecting beachgoers with my poisonous tentacles, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do Forex or Binary.”
Ethan was quick to add that he would be back “Sometime next year, after I get my finances together“. But when asked if he might try to stay a little longer, Ethan was insistent that it was time to go. “I’m done……I’m just done…..Plus I want to be gone before all the French arrive in August.”
Tel Aviv: The entire city is abuzz about a hot new smart phone app called “E-Z-Steal”. This app allows Tel Aviv residents to choose the best time and place to have their bike stolen, and even allows residents to choose which South Tel Aviv chop shop to buy their bike back from. The Daily Freier was on the scene to capture the excitement on the streets.
“Amazing!” noted Jacob S., a Forex trader from Neve Tzedek. “I wanted to go the beach, so I locked my bike up this morning, spent the day hanging out with my friends, and by the time I was done, my bike was already stolen and waiting for me at the shop two blocks from the bus station! The app even interacts with Moovit so I knew the best bus route to use to go buy my bike back!”
“E-Z Stealis just the best! ” enthused Sarah N. “I got a message yesterday on the app asking if my bike could be stolen today between 9 AM and 11 AM, and I was just, like, No way. I need to get to work in Ramat Aviv. But I teach bikram on Thursdays in Florentin, so I just typed in ‘Thursday afternoon, Florentin’. Now after the class I can have a nice cool down by walking down to Har Tsiyon Street! That shop is the best, and I even have their punch card. One more theft and my next buyback’s free!”
Because of E-Z Steal‘s popularity, Tel Aviv municipality is looking at developing new apps for the public including one that arranges the best time of day to get knocked off the sidewalk by some jerk on an electric bike called “E-Z Hit“, and also an one that allows customers to choose which hidden charges and unwanted extras to add to their cable/internet bill, coincidentally also named “E-Z Steal”.
Today the Daily Freier is proud to announce the launch of its exciting new boardgame, “BDS Twister“! BDS Twister lets committed and self-identified “peace activists” find exciting new ways to square their progressive ideals with their tacit support of regimes under which being gay is illegal but honor killings are no big deal. Daily Freier reporter Harun Kenoğlu covered the product launch today at Ann Arbor’s “People’s Third World Anarchist Food Co-Op” with the details.
“This game is amazing” noted an excited Ethan Smith as he contorted his body on the vinyl game board. “The spinner landed on ‘Palestinian Unwed Pregnant Woman Killed by her Brothers and Cousins; They Get Six Months Suspended Jail Sentence‘, which is a tough one, but then I was able to contort my arms and shoulders and touch the circle for “Because of The Occupation”! Winning!”
An equally excited Willow Amoud explained her winning moves. “I landed on ‘Gay Youth flee West Bank for Safety of Tel Aviv’, twisted my torso, popped my elbow, which is easy ‘cuz I’m double jointed, and landed one hand on “Because of the Gaza Blockade”, and the other on “Stop Pinkwashing!” Double points!
Dylan Cohen, a grad student getting ready for a Masters program this Fall at Tel Aviv University, was beside himself with excitement. “So with BDS Twister, I can protest the Separation Fence, I mean ‘Apartheid Wall’, wave my American passport at the Border Police if they get too close, then return to Tel Aviv by nightfall knowing that because of the Wall, I can go out clubbing and drinking without the fear of getting blown up! Amazing!”
Daily Freier contacted BDS organizer Omar Barghouti, who was less than thrilled but seemingly unsurprised that a Jewish guy found a way to make a quick buck off of BDS.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.