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Last Updated 1st of Sivan 1476 BCE

Valley of Sorek: The Holy One Praised be He has decided to spare the life of Onan son of Judah, a Man whose life has recently ~~been jerked off course~~ taken an unfortunate turn. Onan had been instructed to get his brother’s widow Tamar pregnant, but he pulled out of his commitment at the last minute, angering HaShem and placing himself on The Tetragrammaton’s Naughty List. Yet Onan was able to redeem himself by appearing on CNN and making a half-assed apology. Let’s go right to the transcripts!

Elisheva Bat Camerota: Hello and Welcome to CNN. Apparently a man did something with his pickle, yet here I am with the immense privilege of interviewing him. Sarcasm if you didn’t notice. Hello Glass Ceilings. Anyway, here’s Onan Ben Yudah. Hi Onan. Umm, what’s up?

Onan Ben Yudah: Hello Elisheva and thank you for having me. Right off the bat I would like to apologize to anybody who was offended by my actions. Also I would like to thank The Creator for being a good sport about all of this and not striking me down.

Elisheva: Yeah, Adon Olam is really giving you a second chance. Have you had a chance for reflection?

Onan: I just feel that we need to put this into context. I mean, the George Floyd Protests. Trump. Corona. Trump. The Kim and Kanye Breakup. Trump….. I was under a lot of stress.

Elisheva: So you were looking for some stress relief.

Onan: Yeah I guess so. The important thing is that we all move on from this and look toward the future. Like looking for my Lost Uncle Joseph.

Elisheva: Yeah where exactly was your dad on the day Joseph disappeared?

Onan: Umm… So let’s talk about the Friends Reunion! Don’t they look great?

Elisheva: OK Onan, thanks for stopping by the Studio. Coming up, Tamar talks about her personal journey and the mysterious older man she recently met up with!

Onan: The title of my new book is “Oops!” Available on Amazon!

[FADE TO BLACK]

By the Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 6 JUN 44 at 0900 Hours

London: Citing published reports of inappropriate activity among personnel, General Dwight Eisenhower delayed Operation OVERLORD indefinitely. OVERLORD, the planned invasion of Nazi-Occupied Europe, was a closely guarded secret until this morning’s Press Conference. At the Press Conference, General Eisenhower outlined the infractions.

“The reported incidents within the 101st Airborne of soldiers applying Native American traditional male facial adornment, along with the cutting of hair in traditional Native American style is simply unacceptable in today’s Army. Not only that, but by combining quote unquote warpaint used by Plains Indians in the 19th Century with hairstyles prevalent among 18th Century Iroquois of what is now Central New York, the soldiers displayed a profound ignorance of cultural norms. I mean, it’s almost as if they weren’t even paying attention during last week’s Cultural Anthropology/Human Terrain Briefing. Who is their Unit FAO anyway?”

News of the delay spread quickly among the ranks. Technical Sergeant Donald Barclay of the Army Air Corps shared his views with the Daily Freier. “The worst part is that everyone knows this will lead to a mandatory Awareness Briefing, which they always seem to schedule for Friday nights. This is seriously cutting into my drinking time. Oh, and don’t let them see the Rita Hayworth mural on our B-24.”

When asked when the Allies planned to re-schedule the liberation of Europe from Fascism, General Eisenhower stated that perhaps some time in Autumn, but “Definitely not until all units have successfully verified compliance with the scheduled retraining and submitted the results through the Chain of Command. Priorities, people!”