By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/26/2016 at 4:30 PM
Burgas, Bulgaria: The nation of Bulgaria’s sex worker and meth communities reacted with shocked anger on rumors that some of their own may have knowingly associated with Israeli politician Oren Hazan, who before getting elected to the Knesset managed a Casino in Bulgaria where there was DEFINITELY NO hookers or drugs. The Daily Freier was on the scene to speak to the aggrieved parties.
“This ugly rumor that any of our membership associated with Mr. Hazan is libel, and we intend to sue.” explained Tanya M., Chairperson of the Burgas Regional Sex Workers Union. “I mean, we just have sex with strangers for money. Please don’t drag us into a scandal with this character.”
“This is how reputations get ruined.” admonished Boris K., President of the Bulgarian Federation of Tweakers, as he gnashed his teeth and stared around the room fitfully. “I mean, I may be an addict, but at least I never mocked a disabled person in Parliament.” Boris began frantically scratching at a scab on his arm. “I’m just afraid that people will begin to associate my meth use with Oren Hazan.”
The Daily Freier asked Tanya what the repercussions would be for a member of her Labor Syndicate if the rumors proved true. “Nonsense! It would go against our sense of honor!” Tanya thundered, before turning introspective. “But if it turns out that one of our own shamed herself by associating with that guy, she would have to resign. Or, you know, run for Public Office.”
Ms. Clinton was sad. Sad Sad Sad.
‘Cuz Congress had questions and it was looking quite bad.
Hillary gathered her pals and told them the news
The Senator got wise to the server in the loo.
But what shall we do?
“We need to wipe the server clean. Who has the Bleach Bit?”
“I do!” said Sid. “Last name is Blumenthal and Max is my kid!”
“Who will smash the 13 Cell Phones?”
“I can!” said Huma with plenty of verve. “Right after evicting Dick Pic McPerv!”
“Can we get immunity?”
Bill said it’s a cinch. “I can talk on the plane with Loretta Lynch.”
Hillary asked “But what of the Fed? And their investigation?”
“Just leave it to me, No problem homie. I run the FBI and my name’s Mr. Comey.”
“Who will spin the networks?”
“I can!” replied the Podesta named John. “CNN, CBS, NBC, they’re all in on our con!”
“But wait!” wondered Hil. “Who will supervise the interns while everyone’s busy?”
“I got this.”
(Disclaimer: Our lawyers say that this font really doesn’t resemble anything.)
By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 10/25/2016 at 12:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: The city’s “Who’s Who” are just about losing their minds about the hot new perfume hitting the streets: “Sherut Number 5“, inspired by the smell of a Tel Aviv shared taxi. The Daily Freier’s very own Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz attended the product launch today by Dizengoff Square and spoke with the designers of this hot new product.
Lead designer Orit K. explained the origins of the perfume. “So last year, we launched ‘Tahanah Merkazit’, the cologne for men who want to smell like the Central Bus Station. And the reaction was great. But a lot of women in Tel Aviv were left asking ‘So when will there be a product that also lets US smell like cigarette smoke, B.O, and poor decisions?’ So here we are. Welcome to Israel.”
Product testing Team Leader Stav C. then interjected to explain how they created the specific ingredients for Sherut Number 5. “On Thursday nights, our teams would get on the Sherut at Rothschild and ride all the way to Ibn Gavriol. They took atmosphere samples as they picked up and dropped off passengers. We really wanted to capture the sights, the sounds, the secretions, and the smells that make Sherut Number 5 so special“.
Orit cautioned us that the product was incredibly powerful and offered the testimony of local guy “Yoav”, who initially attended today’s product launch because he saw women and a table of free food. “I don’t know what happened, but when I smelled the perfume on the spokesmodels, all of my critical thinking skills went out the window. I felt as if I needed to hit on them no matter how ridiculous my game was or how inappropriate the timing. It was like…. like….. like I ran into a busload of girls on Birthright.”
Sherut Number 5 will be in stores early next week, and they offer shipping to Europe and North America for Chanukah.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/15/2016 at 12:30 PM
Fort Collins, Colorado: In the latest twist to an unpredictable election season, Libertarian candidate for President Gary Johnson has temporarily suspended his campaign in order to compete at next week’s Hacky Sack tournament in Boulder. The Daily Freier caught up with the candidate when their minivan stopped at a local brewpub/bike repair shop for a campaign rally.
“I know running for President is important.” explained former New Mexico Governor Johnson as we sat at the table in the back of the mini-van. “But I missed last year’s tournament and I’ll be darned if I miss two years in a row.” Governor Johnson pushed away a bottle of Febreze, a toilet paper roll with a fabric softener sheet lining the inside, and a hollowed out apple with some sort of resin on it as he cleared space on the table to chart out his strategy for the tournament. “Two years ago I made it to the quarter-final round before getting eliminated. There’s a lot of luck in who you draw for your circle, but it also helps to just show up with a good vibe and not be a dick. That’s usually good enough to get you to the second or third round. I kinda lost track of time, but it felt like we had the sack in the air for hours. Stoked.”
As a campaign aide placed a cassette marked “Phish Binghamton April ’94” into the minivan’s tape deck, Governor Johnson called a brief halt to the interview. “Can we just chill for a sec? I think this is the one where they closed with ‘Highway to Hell’ done a capella.”
With less than a month to go before the election, the move to suspend the campaign for a week met with some internal friction within the Johnson-Weld team. In fact, Johnson’s campaign aide described running mate former Massachusetts Governor William Weld as “being a total buzzkill about the whole thing“. Yet Governor Johnson was not swayed by any dissent. “Weld’s good people,” Johnson noted, as he rolled some sort of cigarette on a pristine white binder labeled “Foreign Policy“ that appeared to be in its original plastic wrapper, “but sometimes he just needs to chill. Besides, we just need a few days to unwind. Catch some rays. Maybe do a nice bike ride down to the Springs. Plus I got a bro down there who just opened his own climbing gym.”
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Governor Johnson discreetly asked us if we “wanted to go in on a bag“.
Washington: Top Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abdedin is in a bit of a pickle lately after leaked emails reveal that she had some not-so-nice things to say about the American Israel Public Affairs Council (AIPAC). Ms. Abedin, the brilliant Washington insider who married and had a child with the underwear selfie artist formerly known as Anthony Weiner AKA “Carlos Danger”, referred to AIPAC as “that crowd“.
(THE DAILY FREIER APPEARS ON ISRAELLYCOOL TODAY! CHECK IT OUT HERE!)
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 10/11/2016 at 11:30 AM
Tel Aviv: Synagogue attendances on the High Holy Days is projected to plummet to new lows after Israeli high-tech has ironically unveiled a new app that allows virtual attendance and charity donations from your mobile phone, once the particular holiday is over.
The controversial new app – known as Yom Kapp – was approved by the Rabbinate, after a generous donation from Vodafone, and was actually released in time for Jewish New Year – Rosh Hashanah. One of the novel features allowed people to upload their synagogue membership, selichot, birth certificate, therapy bills and digitally sign themselves into the E-Book of Life. The files are then emailed during Adon Olam to the Rabbi, a sort of Judge Judy without the humor, and, if approved, you receive the e-book in a PDF which you can save to your phone and take with you to the Pearly Gates, when the time comes. Given our fierce attachment to our mobile phones, MOTT (members of the tribe) will be allowed to be buried with their phones, breaking millennia-old Halachic law, as long as the phones are not NOKIA or anything before an IPhone 4, and contracts have been changed to Pay As You Go.
A bonus feature for Yom Kippur allows absentee Jews to play “What will I eat first?”, a new game allowing them to identify their cravings as soon as the fast has ended. This is automatically linked through GPS to your local Chinese takeaway. A shofar ringtone will be available for one day only and you can leave WhatsApp voicemails with spiritual questions for the Rabbi or polite requests for the cantor to speed up.