Month: September 2015

In Desperate Attempt to Get a Little Respect at the Shuk, American Oleh Starts Pretending He’s Russian

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(Photo Credit: culinarygypsy.com)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 9/29/2015 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Shuk Ha Carmel: Recent immigrant Zachary F. is tired of getting hustled at the Shuk every week when he does his shopping. It seems that Zachary may not be necessarily getting the best prices when he shops, and he believes his American-ness is to blame.  “So when I got here this Summer, the cheese guy would smile at me and tell me I was getting the ‘special price for Americans.’ …… I believed that line for at least two months. But in a way I guess he was right.  I WAS getting a special price. Double.”

Zachary is fed up with this experience at the Shuk and he’s looking to make a change. “I’m sick of it.  They treat me like I’m some dentist’s kid from Long Island.  I mean, my dad is an actuary.  And I’m from Rockland…….There’s a difference.”

So Zachary has hatched a plan: pretend he’s Russian while shopping. “Have you seen the bouncers along Allenby Street?  They’re all Russian. And they get respect. And since I took two semesters of Russian at school, I think I can pull it off.”

Zachary’s attempts so far have been decidedly mixed, with some of the vendors at the Shuk providing critique and feedback to the Daily Freier. “Ten points for trying, but maybe he should have left his Birthright tote bag at home.” noted a bemused Motti from the vegetable stand halfway down the hill on the right, before the beer kiosk. Yet Motti is reluctant to call an end to Zachary’s charade. “We let him speak his Russian every week for about ten minutes.  According to Illya the herring guy, his Russian isn’t half bad.  But tomorrow Illya is going to tell Zachary that during last week’s conversation he agreed to marry my sister. That oughta be fun.”

While Zachary’s resilience and resourcefulness to date have been commendable, a sign of just how far he has to go was evident in his last conversation with this reporter: “So your newspaper is called the Daily Freier???  What the heck does that word even MEAN anyway???”

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Kinda sure your neighbor is renting out his Sukkah on AirBNB

 

Daily Freier Sukkah

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/29/2015 at 2:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: OK, this is weird, but you’re almost positive that your upstairs neighbor (yeah, yeah; the one who was stealing your Wi-fi last year. That guy.) is renting out his Sukkah on Air BNB. First of all, you went up to the roof on Sunday night to see the Eclipse, and there was a sign on the Sukkah wall for “HaYarkon Rooftop Cabins“. In English and French. And now the guy delivering the porta-john to the building last week makes perfect sense. Plus this really polite English couple knocked on your door this morning asking if they could use your shower.  Because, they explained, the ‘rustic cottage with the palm frond roof and canvas walls‘ apparently doesn’t have….. ‘a washroom‘. Well you will NOT stand for  this.  This is totally illegal and violates every housing code in the city.  You are going to march up to your neighbor’s door and tell him in no uncertain terms……that for 200 Shekels you never saw nothing.

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Secret Tel Aviv’s Loyal Readers Promise to spend Yom Kippur wandering the City giving Unsolicited Advice and asking Total Strangers random off the wall Questions

 

Screen Shot 2018-09-18 at 1.30.39 PM(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/22/2015 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu- As life in  the city of Tel Aviv slowly grinds to a halt in preparation for the solemn occasion of Yom Kippur, loyal readers of the popular site “Secret Tel Aviv” are scrambling to find a way to support one anothers’ need to make snap judgements on other people while also asking total strangers completely off the wall questions.  To this end, a number of readers have banded together and promised to take advantage of the total lack of traffic in order to wander the streets giving unsolicited advice to random passersby and asking other people questions seemingly pulled out of a hat.

“Yom Kippur is a special time, so I can’t wait to go up to somebody I don’t know and tell them about the time the sushi restaurant put shrimp in my order that was supposed to be kosher. noted loyal reader Danny F. “Also, if  two people having a discussion on the street, I might interject and imply that one of them doesn’t know what they’re talking about.”

Loyal reader Jessica K. also discussed her plans for the Chag.  “My friends and I are going to walk along Ayalon Highway, and ask anyone if they have a nature-themed jigsaw puzzle they are giving away.  That’s a reasonable thing to ask, right?”

Unfortunately, not everyone on the site seems to be on the same sheet of music.  Secret Tel Aviv regular Matti C. was somewhat confused by all of the activity and planning. “Wait…..so there’s something going on tomorrow?  OMG I need to get on Secret Tel Aviv and find out tomorrow’s bus schedule.”

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Israel’s Fashion World Turns Out For Gala Launch of the Hot New Cologne: “Tahanah Merkazit”

images(Photo Credit: Some French Girl)

(Models From Left to Right: Shlomo, Shlomo, Shlomo, and Shlomo)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 9/21/2015 at 9:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Opera- It’s literally a “Whose Who” of the Israeli fashion world at tonight’s product launch of the hot new cologne for men: “Tahanah Merkazit”. Tahanah Merkazit is billed as “Summoning up the Sights, the Sounds, the Smells….of Tel Aviv’s Central Bus Station.” With such luminaries as Bar Refaeli and Natalie Portman in attendance, anyone who is anyone does NOT want to miss tonight’s launch. The Daily Freier talked to local Fashion expert Emanuelle H. for her take on the event.

As several sweaty men wearing short sleeve shirts unbuttoned to the navel walked down the fashion runway, Emanuelle explained what she saw. “See how the first model exudes a raw virility as he strides the runway and shows off the musk of ‘Tahanah Merkazit’… Now this model’s name is Shlomo…..Actually, I believe that all of the models are named Shlomo.”

While the ingredients of “Tahanah Merkazit” are a closely guarded trade secret, rumor has it that it is brewed on-site in the basement of the Central Bus Station. Emanuelle shared some industry gossip on the ingredients. “Rumor in the fashion world is that it is a mix of sweat, sunflower seed husks, cigarette butts, falafel, and I believe, pee.”

Tahanah Merkazit is slated to be in stores as early as next month, and advance orders are piling up. Yet Emanuelle stressed that men should proceed with caution before purchasing this product. “As a woman, let me tell you that the effect of this stuff is powerful” as she furtively eyed the second model named Shlomo.

Based on the early success of “Tahanah Merkazit”, the fashion world can look forward to a late Fall release of the cologne “Number 5 Sherut”

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Reykjavik City Council Boycotts Israel: Zionist Bjork Fans, Icelandic Matkot League Hardest Hit

 

Björk_at_Cannes(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/21/2015 at 11:00 AM

Reykjavik: The Reykjavik City Council’s boycott of Israeli goods is shaking key demographics in both nations, with fans of superstar Bjork who live in Judea and Samaria, along with Icelandic citizens who play the Israeli beach game of matkot feeling the brunt of the unfortunate turn of events.  The Daily Freier dispatched its International Affairs reporter to Iceland to cover this critical event, but he was eaten by a fire-breathing sea monster when he sailed over the edge of the earth (Hahahah! Just kidding!  No disrespect to our Icelandic readership! Some of our best friends are Icelandic!….Get it? Get it?)

The Daily Freier sat down with Sigur S., chairman of the Reykjavik chapter of the Pan-Icelandic Matkot League to discuss this troubling breach in relations in this critical international partnership.  “Just a balagan. A complete and total balagan.” noted a despondent Sigur as he munched on a mixture of  bamba and sunflower seeds.  “This is going to kill our big plans for a matkot tournament at the local lava-fed hot springs. Well, that and after last year’s ill-tempered walrus incident, nobody wants to sign up.”

Judea and Samaria’s vast fan-base of noted Icelandic musician Bjork is equally despondent.  Shmuel K., President of the Jordan Valley chapter of the Bjork Fanclub, shared his personal pain.  “I believe that HaShem gave this land to us, and I will defend Eretz Yisrael with my life…..But I also believe that “Human Behavior” is just about the most amazing song ever.  My wife BatSheva is a big fan also.  Sometimes, when we’re bored, we’ll just text Sugarcubes lyrics on Whatsapp to each other. But now what? What else can I listen to? I mean, ever since she dressed up as a giant duck, my previous obsession with the Cure just seems so….so….silly and immature.”

The Daily Freier urges its readers to chime in on this critical issue, or maybe just ask Chris Gunness what he thinks.

Daily Freier’s Alert Readers Solve the Mystery of the Giant Balloon That Floats Over Ramat Aviv

ramat-aviv-balloon-daily-freierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/15/2015 at 9 AM

Ramat Aviv, Rakevet Ha Universita: After last week’s request for help identifying the mysterious balloon in the sky above Ramat Aviv, the Daily Freier’s alert readers swung into action, revealing a dogged search for the truth, and for some, a clear need to get back on their prescribed medication.  Here is what our alert readers had to say:


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“It’s where Buji hides his charisma.” – Ron, policeman


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“It’s where the city keeps all the polite, good looking straight guys who will call you back” – Cathrine, web designer


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“Where’s Ramat Aviv????” – Shuki, playwright


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“I’ve been dating a Sabra girl for 2 years and I just told her over dinner that I want to break up with her…..so……Can I hide in the balloon for a few weeks? – Binyamin, Lone Soldier


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“Actually the Palestinians say it was originally theirs.” – Shoshanna, Optometrist


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“I’m sick of Tel Aviv. Will it take me to Berlin?” – Ashleigh Shapiro, actress


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“I don’t know, but the U.N. is about to pass a resolution against it”. – Adi, entrepreneur


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“Space Aliens…..except they’re also Jewish”. – Dana, stockbroker


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“Hot Cable’s Walk-In Customer Service” –Yonatan, Independent Contractor


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“It’s where Netanyahu has been hiding his good ideas all this time”. – Yuda, musician


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“Kanye is going to parachute from the balloon onto stage next month. ” – Yossi, teacher


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“Remember that nice inexpensive 3-room apartment near Hayarkon Park without a realtor fee that you saw advertised on Secret Tel Aviv?….. It’s up there.” – Howard, stock algorithm designer


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“Probably some Birthright shit.” – Reuven, mechanic

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Tel Aviv University Graduate Students Invoke “Right of Return” In Attempt To Get Back Into Local Bracelet Bar

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 9/6/2015 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Tel Aviv University graduate students Melissa P. and Kate D. have adopted “The Right of Return” in their ongoing dispute with a bracelet bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda.  The women’s ordeal began earlier this evening around 8:30 PM local time when they arrived at the establishment, purchasing the ’79 Shekel Red Bracelets’, allowing an unlimited amount of house wine, draft beer, and mixed drinks.  After spending several hours at the establishment getting, as one bystander noted, “hella wasted”, the ladies departed the bar.   It is at this point that the narratives of the protagonists in this ordeal diverge, with bar hostess Anat L. claiming that the ladies voluntarily left their seats and set out toward Dizengoff Street, while Melissa and Kate insisting that they were forcibly evicted from their land seats and cast out of the bar “for like no reason”. The Daily Freier spoke with Anat for her perspective on this ongoing tragedy.

Those two were out of control, but I guess the manager likes them.  Anyway, I told them that after 10 PM there is a noise ordinance, and if they want to stay outside they need to keep it down.  Well that led to an eye roll or two.  I had to go back to talk with them two more times.  On the last trip over there, Kate just said “F– this, we’re out, and they stormed off….. Of course they came back like 30 minutes later because, and I quote, “the other place sucked”. But by that time newcomers had settled at their table.  And to just  let them back in would totally disrupt the current demographics of the bar……Welcome to Israel.”

The Daily Freier was also able to speak with Melissa and Kate for their side of the story. Melissa shared her perspective; “Whatever the hostess told you is total crap.  She hates us. She basically ran us off, and then turned around and said that we left on our own accord.  I mean yeah we left, but only because we knew that our friend Ran’s shift starts at 11 and that  if we came back he would take care of us at the bar.  But when we came back, our chairs were occupied.  The whole thing was a disaster……wait, I should know this…..how do you say ‘disaster’ in Arabic???” 

Kate was equally adamant that an injustice had occurred; “We bought these bracelets, and they’re good all night.  Our right of return is inalienable and cannot simply be negotiated away.”  When the Daily Freier asked Kate what kind of repercussions might occur if their wishes were not respected, she noted “If they think they can just get away with this shit, I will boycott them forever……or at least until next Wednesday.  That’s old school hip-hop night.”

UNRWA’s Chris Gunness Offered Lucrative Job as Pro Wrestling Referee

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By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/3/2015 at 4:00 PM

Boston: Based on the keen situational awareness and managerial oversight that he has exhibited at the United Nations Relief and Works Agency (UNRWA), World Wrestling Entertainment, Incorporated has extended an offer of employment as a referee to Mr. Christopher Gunness.  Mr. Gunness, who has lately been busy investigating where his critics get their money from, was unavailable for comment, but World Wrestling  Entertainment (WWE) spokesperson Robert C. spoke with the Daily Freier earlier today. “A lack of situational awareness and organizational leadership like Mr. Gunness provides day in and day out…….that doesn’t come around evey day.  If WWE wants to continue to build its brand, it needs to jump on talent like this.” When the Daily Freier asked the WWE if there was one event that convinced the organization to extend an offer to Mr. Gunness, Robert noted When Chris was presented with evidence from UN-WATCH of UNRWA employees calling for the death of Jews on Facebook, and countered with a call to investigate UN-WATCH.……he just exhibited exactly what we look for in a good referee: focus on ‘the Big Picture’…….Either that or he’s full of crap and simply hates Israel.  Hard to tell.”

Full Disclosure: The Daily Freier still thinks it is in talks with Mr. Gunness in regard to the Freier’s goal to become the Official Satirist for Hamas