Month: January 2021

“We’ve lost everything.” Rains destroy Tel Aviv’s dry pee reserves

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/15/2021 at 12:15 PM

Tel Aviv, Atarim Square: Experts fear that yesterday’s winter rains have decimated Tel Aviv’s famed dry pee smell, setting back the city’s strategic reserves by up to 6 months.

We’ve lost everything.” complained the guy at the kiosk in Atarim Square that sells hot dogs. “First it was Corona, and now this. We might not recover before the summer.

Months of hard work are gone forever. Lost in just a few hours.” lamented Yoni, a Wolt bicycle delivery guy who had stopped in one of Atarim Square’s passageways “for a break”. Yoni surveyed the newly clean-ish floors and started to cry. “This was all we had.”

News of Tel Aviv’s crisis quickly reached the highest reaches of Government, with President Rivlin urging a unified response to the crisis. “The parties need to come together quickly with a plan. Up to 20% of Israeli men have never peed in Atarim Square.* We are failing as a nation.

UPDATE: Some good news emerged Friday morning as the NGO “Birthright Israel” promised to have future buses stop at Atarim Square, Allenby Street, and the Central Bus Station. (Editor’s Note: this is in fact NOT the most ridiculous Taglit/MASA idea that we have ever come across.)


* It’s actually much less than 20%.

 
 

The People have Spoken: The Top Daily Freier article of 2020!

So the Covid Fever Dreams of our writing staff created some true literary gems in 2020. Roxy Cruz designed a collection of Barbie Dolls that were very…. Tel Aviv. In addition, we predicted that an influx of Israeli tourists into the United Arab Emirates might have unintended consequences 3 months before Bibi issued a statement asking us to behave ourselves over there. Yet in the end, it was Sarita Azul’s moving story about a pig from Haifa’s unwillingness to grant her a Jewish divorce that won the election.

Congrats Sarita, and best of luck with the Rabbanut.

Choose your favorite Daily Freier story of 2020!

Hi Freiers! So umm, 2020 was sort of Interesting. Now is your chance to relive the weirdness as the Daily Freier went toe to toe with Corona, Dizengoff Center, Secret Tel Aviv almost going away, and Bingo Cards. Because while we wrote a bunch of stories, only one story can be the People’s Choice for 2020. So read these stories again, commit them to memory, and vote for your favorite. Also, since some of you are so incredibly Extra, you have the option to write in your own favorite candidate. Unlike other votes in Israel, we’re only doing this once. Winner will be announced on Monday.

Choose carefully, Freiers.


1) My Ex from Haifa is a Pig and won’t give me a Get. No you don’t understand. He is. A Pig.

2) Introducing: The Israeli Barbie Collection!

3) UAE cancels Peace Treaty after arrival of Israeli Tourists

4) Tomorrow at 4:20 PM, the whole Country will stand on our balconies to salute our heroic Weed Dealers

5) “No I can’t describe her appearance… she’s a woman!” Jerusalem bank robber escapes again

6) Israel sends Emergency Team of Election Experts to Iowa

7) Let’s play Hen Mazzig -vs- Ariel Gold debate Bingo!

8) The Daily Freier is now sitting Shiva for Secret Tel Aviv

9) “It’s a Hate Crime against Anglo Olim!” Tel Aviv woman reacts calmly to cost of spices

10) “The Oleh who learned Hebrew during Quarantine” and other Fairy Tales


Is the vaccine Free for Lone Soldiers? Because I’m a Lone Soldier.

So now Israel has lots of Vaccines against the Corona Virus! Gadol! Start-Up Nation at its Best! You know, it’s this history of Israeli Innovation that led me to leave my family and friends behind and defend the Land of Israel! Because, by the way, I’m a Lone Soldier. Not a lot of people know that I’m a Lone Soldier, so sometimes I need to remind them. Like right now. Or when I’m on the bus. Or at the Makolet. Honestly there’s not a “Wrong” time to let people know you’re a Hayyal Boded. Am Yisrael Chai!

So back to the vaccine. Is it free for Lone Soldiers? Because, and not to put too fine a point on it, we HATE to spend money. Like ever. On Anything. For example, I plan on stretching out my streak of not buying groceries into my Miluim time as a Reservist. Couple cans of tuna and chickpeas will no doubt end up in my backpack at the end of every weekend. And by “a couple” I mean “around twenty“.

Maybe I can ask about getting the vaccine for free on Secret Tel Aviv, because I also just moved into a new apartment and need a futon. And a toaster oven. Some pots & pans. Maybe a PlayStation.

Wait wut? The vaccine is free for Everyone? You know that’s kinda bullshit, right?


(The guy in the photo wants to give a Real-World shout-out to the Sean Carmeli Scholarship Fund for Lone Soldiers.)