Category: Dear Daily Freier

Ghosted by Moovit

Photo Credit: Sari Ellen

Welcome back to “Dear Daily Freier”, an advice column run by the remarkably unqualified! This week we take the questions of our favorite pen pal, Sari Ellen, who has some issues with a certain jerk Transportation App….

Dear Daily Freier: Hi-oosh!! So last Thursday night, last minute, there was an ad in my girls-only WhatsApp group for a Female Side of the Moon/Cacao Ceremony/Sound Bath Ritual. Only 500 sheks!! WOW!! I hadn’t had a Sound Bath in a week, so I was, like, yalla!!

I paid. Got my e-ticket. Yada yada yada.

I quickly stripped off two layers of clothes; then added the big boots, nine chains and my shih tzu, Schmutzy. I was on my way.

Problem arose when I opened my Moovit app so it could do its thing directing me to the appropriate bus.

In the sweet early days when Moovit and I first got together, Moovit had been super supportive. I’d paid for the ad-free version and Moovit seemed genuinely fascinated by wherever I wanted to go. Moovit listened, he really listened. Noted my preferences. Repeatedly asked when, and precisely how, I yearned to arrive. I’d type in my destination and Moovit figured out the rest. We just worked. No interruptions. No digressions into Incognito Mode to sneak off with another rider. I didn’t think I was misreading the signals. Moovit seemed to be truly madly deeply focused on me.

 I wondered, could Moovit be The One? The app of my dreams? Should I tell my folks in New Jersey? I couldn’t have been happier. Our interaction was satisfying, like pure pleasure. And so, last Thursday, when I told Moovit where I wanted to go, same as I had many times before, the only thing I expected was yet another smooth easy ride.

As always, Moovit set out the route from my home to the closest bus stop. Then Moovit told me when my bus would arrive. I did my share, too. Made it to the bus stop on time. Patiently waited. Six minutes. Five minutes. Four minutes. Three minutes. Two minutes. One minute. Then Moovit said “Now.” Y’know how that goes, right? My bus was coming “Now.”

Only no bus ever came. I stared into the distance. Gajillion trucks, buses, cars, vans, motorcycles, e-bikes, scooters. Everything but the bus I was expecting. I couldn’t believe Moovit would let me down. For another five minutes Moovit insisted my bus was coming “Now.”

And I believed. I really did. But then the word “Now” disappeared from my screen.

My bus was gone. Like how does a whole bus disappear? And how could Moovit have ghosted me like that? Without warning. Not one single waving red flag.

I’ve been very perplexed ever since. Is this the Universe’s way of telling me I should return to New Jersey? Can a bus be commitment-phobic? I mean, after all, we’re talking Tel Aviv. Should I keep waiting at the bus stop? Or, maybe, should I look up that bartender, Dudi, who offered me a ride to wherever I wanted to go…. whenever…. wherever….

Only not to his apartment, because Dudi says that his roommates are almost always home. Also, most of his roommates believe that they’re his kids, while another seems to think that she’s his wife.   

Signed,

Good Vibes Only


Dear Good Vibes Only,

You should totally rebound with that sketchy app Waze who lives in the Shuk but takes his laundry home to his mom in Hadera every weekend.

(Editors Note: If you think this is the first time that the Daily Freier has used Tel Aviv’s public transportation system as a metaphor for boy problems, you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.)

 

Dear Daily Freier: “Bigly Taglit Woke” Edition

Dear Daily Freier!Welcome to yet another edition of the Dear Daily Freier advice column! An outlet that has already allowed YOU the reader to gain needed advice about such pressing subjects as the Israeli bus system, relationships, and pétanque! So without further ado, here are the answers you did not want to the questions you already regret asking!
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Dear Daily Freier,

Hi, so I went on Birthright last month and it was A-MA-ZING. But here’s the thing. The soldier on our bus? Danny? From Hadera? Well when we were down at that big crater in the desert….Mizpe Ramon? Well Danny and I (“may have”) wandered off for the night together. I mean, he was so romantic! He even wrote me a poem! In English and Hebrew! But the thing is, later on the trip I’m pretty sure he also “wandered off” with that girl from LA who pretends to be spiritual but is actually just an idiot. Also the girl who went to Amherst. And maybe the girl from Texas with Israeli cousins. And just now I saw on Facebook that Jess from Seattle posted a poem of his. So anyway, I skyped Danny and confronted him about it, and all of a sudden it’s like he forgot how to speak English. He was just mixing up random words in Hebrew and English and I think Spanish. Anyway, what’s the deal? I mean, is he really a romantic or did he just want to hook up with all the girls on the trip?

Signed,
“Alyssa from Rockland”
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Yes & Yes.
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Dear Daily Freier,

OK, So I just graduated from NYU. And I’m Jewish. But not Jewish-Jewish. Honestly, I’m not too big on the Temple I grew up in anymore. Or Trump. Or Israel. Because my Intersectional Feminism Professor said that Israel is bad. Like really bad. Anyway, I’m looking for career advice and wondering if you can help me. Like, if you were a Jew who disliked Israel, most Israelis, and also about half of American Jews…. what career field would you go into?

Signed,
“Woke in Connecticut”
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Have you thought of becoming a Professor of Judaic Studies at any given University?
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Dear Daily Freier,

So suppose you are an amazing leader. A great leader, Very great. The Best. And let’s say you just did something Very Big for a country in the Middle East. With a lot of Jews in it. Nobody loves the Jews like I do. I have the best Jewish grandchildren. Just the best. So again, let’s say you just did something very big for the Jews there. And the Jews in Israel? They Love it. “It’s the Best.” All of them told me that. And Bibi? Great guy. Great, great guy……..But then there’s the Jews in America….. Some of them say thank you. But, gotta admit, some of the others? Not so thankful. No gratitude. Sad. Very Sad. Anyway, I think I lost my train of thought. But do you know what I’m saying?
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Bigly.
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Have a question for the Daily Freier? Send it to daily.freier@gmail.com
Do you want it answered promptly? Then you may want to hit up this site first. https://dailyfreier.com/donate-to-the-daily-freier/

Dear Daily Freier: Question Time!

Dear Daily Freier Advice ColumnOnce again, the Dear Daily Freier advice column answers questions that you forgot to ask because the winter rains just started and the temperature has plunged to an unearthly 60 Degrees Fahrenheit (Metric Conversion: 4 hectares) forcing you to dress like an extra in an Al Gore Climate movie. So without further ado, here are your amazing inquiries!

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Dear Daily Freier: Hi! I love seeing the men at the pétanque courts on Rothschild Boulevard and really want to learn how to play too! The only thing is, I’m under 60 years old, I’m not French, and I’m a woman. Do you think I can participate?

Signed,

Hopeful in Florentin

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No.

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Dear Daily Freier: Hi! I live in a small country in the Eastern Mediterranean region and I am quite smart and accomplished (I was even once a secret agent! Shhh! Don’t tell anyone!) The problem is, the people (read: “Men”) who run this country don’t respect how smart I am and don’t realize how much better things would be if I were in charge. I have even tried out different political parties but they are all too full of themselves to realize how amazing I would be as their leader. Any advice?

Signed,

A Frustrated Working Mom

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Hi Tzipi!

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Dear Daily Freier: What time do the buses start running after Shabbat? Also, can you tell me the best breakfast place in Tel Aviv?

Signed,

Curious in Basel

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We don’t know, but we do  know a really good page on Facebook where you can post these amazing questions.

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Got a Question? Drop us an email at daily.freier@gmail.com and we will be happy to dispense free advice worth every penny.

Dear Daily Freier: Mazgan and Circumcision

dear-daily-freier

Today the Dear Daily Freier advice column answers questions that you were too sweaty and annoyed or embarrassed to ask yourselves. You’re welcome.

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Dear Daily Freier: My mates and I are getting a bit legless sometimes, I mean drunk. Actually shit-faced. Bu the problem is that the next day I am not even sure where I am. Am I still alive or have I gone to Hell? This country is hotter than I thought. In all meanings of the word. What’s the Deal?

Curiously,

Joe from London

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Joe: That’s a very topical question. For you and your mates we’ve made a list of 7 signs that you live in Israel this summer (obviously none of them can refer to Hell. Our monotheism doesn’t really “do” Hell. Maybe something less severe but still unpleasant. Like “Heck”)

1. You take a shower every time you come back home (even if you just went out to throw away the rubbish).
2. You have 3-4 loads of laundry weekly and this process seems to be endless. Like a Möbius strip
3. Hugging your friends becomes awkwardly embarrassing.
4. You really miss this rainy and dreary weather of your hometown that you used to complain about.
5. A cold wave of air when you pass by a supermarket feels like lost paradise on Earth.
6. You are seriously thinking of creating a cult to the engineers who invented mazgan.
7. You say mazgan (instead of the AC), and everybody understands you.

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Dear Daily Freier: So you know the Anti-Circumcision guy who stands outside of Shuk HaCarmel and protests all day in a pair of white pants with fake bloodstains?  Do you know his situation?  Is he in a relationship or is he single?

Asking for a Friend.

Dear “For a Friend”: This is a tough one that we don’t have the answer for. Hey Daily Freier readers!  What’s the deal with this guy?  Enquiring minds want to know!

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Dear Daily Freier: I have a question about this unexplainable New Olah psychology. I am a born and raised Israeli dating a Polish Olah. We both love each and stuff, but you know, sometimes you want something… fresh. So I used to hook up with one girl (I’m not a jerk, I told her I have a girlfriend) and she was looking for a job. I told her that  my girlfriend’s company was hiring and she should apply. When the two girls met and found out how they know me, my girlfriend became livid and wants to break up… But why? What have I done wrong?

Feeling Confused,
Barak
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Dear Barak, we would recommend you confess that you haven’t done that inadvertently and you had no malice to hurt her. You feel down in the dumps and ask for redemption… Screw that, this is just ludicrous! We can’t help you, but recommend you post this to Secret Tel Aviv.

Got a Question? Drop us an email at daily.freier@gmail.com and we will be happy to dispense free advice worth every Shekel!

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The “Dear Daily Freier” Advice Column is Back!

Dear Daily Freier

Guess whose back?  Why trust your instincts or your friends when you can solicit advice from us?  So today we are dealing with a true crisis that is currently shaking Tel Aviv society. Let’s take a look….

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Dear Daily Freier: So I went out with my friends last night and it was a really nice time but at the end of the night I realized I forgot my jacket.  But don’t worry, I remember the exact description of the place I left it.  It was a bar. On Dizengoff. With long outdoor tables. And very tall stools.  Oh yeah, and the wait staff kinda ignored us the whole time. So Dear Daily Freier, do you think you can help me?

Feeling Hopeful,

Pinchas

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Pinchas– No. No we can’t.

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Got a Question? Drop us an email at daily.freier@gmail.com and we will be happy to dispense free advice worth every Shekel!

By Popular Demand: An Advice Column Run by the Remarkably Unqualified

Screen Shot 2015-12-20 at 8.25.55 PMWelcome to the Inaugural Episode of Dear Daily Freier, where people who really ought to know better place life-changing decisions in the hands of us, the Daily Freier, a newspaper so petty that it’s still obsessed with the balloon that floats over Ramat Aviv. Anyhoo, let’s see who answered the call for issues and conundrums to share with total strangers!

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Dear Daily Freier: When I was in Jerusalem last week I met a really nice girl on the bus but she got off before I could ask her out. She had brown hair, said she was in seminary, was wearing a denim skirt over tights and her name was Batsheva. Or Elisheva. Something with Sheva. Does this narrow it down for me? I mean how many girls could possibly fit this description?

Feeling Hopeful,

Yirmiyahu

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Yirmiyahu, we are so glad you got in touch, we love to play interfering shiduch at Daily Freier, as you know. There has been a staggering rise in the number of Frum girls from Jerusalem taking aliases lately, many of them sneaking in to fawn over Luke Skywalker in the Force Awakens and taking the bus to see Jerry Seinfeld Live in Tel Aviv. Assuming she was a natural brunette, can you identify the fashionable denim skirt in question? There are only about three hundred thousand in the capital, but we’re really just brainstorming right now. Once identified, can you trace the shop that sells them in Jerusalem and see if they have any clues? True enough there are fewer than Sheva Million Shevas in parts of Jerusalem but it’s a fact that seminaries only admit women whose names are Elisheva, Batsheva, Beersheva, Hapoel Sheva, Shevarnadze, or Sheva Sheva What’s the Weather. Of course she may have been just going to a shiva and not given you her name at all. In which case, wait till the mourning period is over and ask or you could take a pal and go shiva-hopping. Let us know.

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Dear Daily Freier:I am so excited about the natural gas we found off the coast! This will solve all of our energy problems, we will get rich, and our standard of living will go up!  Things are really looking up! The way I see it, there is NO WAY we could possibly fuck this up.

Feeling Stoked,

Joshua

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Joshua- As a people we will rise to the occasion and find a way to fuck this up. Am Yisrael Chai!

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Dear Daily Freier: So suppose somebody is the leader of a country somewhere not that far from here. Maybe to the North a few hundred kilometers. And suppose you and another country, let’s call it “Shmisrael”, used to be friends.  But suppose you got in a bit of a misunderstanding with this Shmisrael country a few years back. Not saying whose fault it was, but some strong words were said. I mean, like, suppose you yelled at their 80 year old President on stage in Switzerland at a conference and called him a “killer”.  Again, not laying blame anywhere. Now suppose you got in a bit of a bind lately, and may have like “shot down” a plane belonging to a country led by a guy who, let’s face it, has been a real jerk lately and said some really hurtful things. Anyway, do you think “Shmisrael” might want to maybe get a shwarma or something? Maybe listen to music or go shopping? I mean, everything’s cool, right?

Asking for a friend.

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Putin’s pissed, isn’t he?

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Got a Question? Drop us an email at daily.freier@gmail.com and we will be happy to dispense free advice worth every penny.