Category: Dear Daily Freier

Dear Daily Freier: Question Time!

Dear Daily Freier Advice ColumnOnce again, the Dear Daily Freier advice column answers questions that you forgot to ask because the winter rains just started and the temperature has plunged to an unearthly 60 Degrees Fahrenheit (Metric Conversion: 4 hectares) forcing you to dress like an extra in an Al Gore Climate movie. So without further ado, here are your amazing inquiries!

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Dear Daily Freier: Hi! I love seeing the men at the pétanque courts on Rothschild Boulevard and really want to learn how to play too! The only thing is, I’m under 60 years old, I’m not French, and I’m a woman. Do you think I can participate?

Signed,

Hopeful in Florentin

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No.

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Dear Daily Freier: Hi! I live in a small country in the Eastern Mediterranean region and I am quite smart and accomplished (I was even once a secret agent! Shhh! Don’t tell anyone!) The problem is, the people (read: “Men”) who run this country don’t respect how smart I am and don’t realize how much better things would be if I were in charge. I have even tried out different political parties but they are all too full of themselves to realize how amazing I would be as their leader. Any advice?

Signed,

A Frustrated Working Mom

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Hi Tzipi!

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Dear Daily Freier: What time do the buses start running after Shabbat? Also, can you tell me the best breakfast place in Tel Aviv?

Signed,

Curious in Basel

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We don’t know, but we do  know a really good page on Facebook where you can post these amazing questions.

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Got a Question? Drop us an email at daily.freier@gmail.com and we will be happy to dispense free advice worth every penny.

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Dear Daily Freier: Mazgan and Circumcision

dear-daily-freier

Today the Dear Daily Freier advice column answers questions that you were too sweaty and annoyed or embarrassed to ask yourselves. You’re welcome.

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Dear Daily Freier: My mates and I are getting a bit legless sometimes, I mean drunk. Actually shit-faced. Bu the problem is that the next day I am not even sure where I am. Am I still alive or have I gone to Hell? This country is hotter than I thought. In all meanings of the word. What’s the Deal?

Curiously,

Joe from London

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Joe: That’s a very topical question. For you and your mates we’ve made a list of 7 signs that you live in Israel this summer (obviously none of them can refer to Hell. Our monotheism doesn’t really “do” Hell. Maybe something less severe but still unpleasant. Like “Heck”)

1. You take a shower every time you come back home (even if you just went out to throw away the rubbish).
2. You have 3-4 loads of laundry weekly and this process seems to be endless. Like a Möbius strip
3. Hugging your friends becomes awkwardly embarrassing.
4. You really miss this rainy and dreary weather of your hometown that you used to complain about.
5. A cold wave of air when you pass by a supermarket feels like lost paradise on Earth.
6. You are seriously thinking of creating a cult to the engineers who invented mazgan.
7. You say mazgan (instead of the AC), and everybody understands you.

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Dear Daily Freier: So you know the Anti-Circumcision guy who stands outside of Shuk HaCarmel and protests all day in a pair of white pants with fake bloodstains?  Do you know his situation?  Is he in a relationship or is he single?

Asking for a Friend.

Dear “For a Friend”: This is a tough one that we don’t have the answer for. Hey Daily Freier readers!  What’s the deal with this guy?  Enquiring minds want to know!

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Dear Daily Freier: I have a question about this unexplainable New Olah psychology. I am a born and raised Israeli dating a Polish Olah. We both love each and stuff, but you know, sometimes you want something… fresh. So I used to hook up with one girl (I’m not a jerk, I told her I have a girlfriend) and she was looking for a job. I told her that  my girlfriend’s company was hiring and she should apply. When the two girls met and found out how they know me, my girlfriend became livid and wants to break up… But why? What have I done wrong?

Feeling Confused,
Barak
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Dear Barak, we would recommend you confess that you haven’t done that inadvertently and you had no malice to hurt her. You feel down in the dumps and ask for redemption… Screw that, this is just ludicrous! We can’t help you, but recommend you post this to Secret Tel Aviv.

Got a Question? Drop us an email at daily.freier@gmail.com and we will be happy to dispense free advice worth every Shekel!

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The “Dear Daily Freier” Advice Column is Back!

Dear Daily Freier

Guess whose back?  Why trust your instincts or your friends when you can solicit advice from us?  So today we are dealing with a true crisis that is currently shaking Tel Aviv society. Let’s take a look….

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Dear Daily Freier: So I went out with my friends last night and it was a really nice time but at the end of the night I realized I forgot my jacket.  But don’t worry, I remember the exact description of the place I left it.  It was a bar. On Dizengoff. With long outdoor tables. And very tall stools.  Oh yeah, and the wait staff kinda ignored us the whole time. So Dear Daily Freier, do you think you can help me?

Feeling Hopeful,

Pinchas

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Pinchas– No. No we can’t.

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Got a Question? Drop us an email at daily.freier@gmail.com and we will be happy to dispense free advice worth every Shekel!

By Popular Demand: An Advice Column Run by the Remarkably Unqualified

Screen Shot 2015-12-20 at 8.25.55 PMWelcome to the Inaugural Episode of Dear Daily Freier, where people who really ought to know better place life-changing decisions in the hands of us, the Daily Freier, a newspaper so petty that it’s still obsessed with the balloon that floats over Ramat Aviv. Anyhoo, let’s see who answered the call for issues and conundrums to share with total strangers!

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Dear Daily Freier: When I was in Jerusalem last week I met a really nice girl on the bus but she got off before I could ask her out. She had brown hair, said she was in seminary, was wearing a denim skirt over tights and her name was Batsheva. Or Elisheva. Something with Sheva. Does this narrow it down for me? I mean how many girls could possibly fit this description?

Feeling Hopeful,

Yirmiyahu

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Yirmiyahu, we are so glad you got in touch, we love to play interfering shiduch at Daily Freier, as you know. There has been a staggering rise in the number of Frum girls from Jerusalem taking aliases lately, many of them sneaking in to fawn over Luke Skywalker in the Force Awakens and taking the bus to see Jerry Seinfeld Live in Tel Aviv. Assuming she was a natural brunette, can you identify the fashionable denim skirt in question? There are only about three hundred thousand in the capital, but we’re really just brainstorming right now. Once identified, can you trace the shop that sells them in Jerusalem and see if they have any clues? True enough there are fewer than Sheva Million Shevas in parts of Jerusalem but it’s a fact that seminaries only admit women whose names are Elisheva, Batsheva, Beersheva, Hapoel Sheva, Shevarnadze, or Sheva Sheva What’s the Weather. Of course she may have been just going to a shiva and not given you her name at all. In which case, wait till the mourning period is over and ask or you could take a pal and go shiva-hopping. Let us know.

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Dear Daily Freier:I am so excited about the natural gas we found off the coast! This will solve all of our energy problems, we will get rich, and our standard of living will go up!  Things are really looking up! The way I see it, there is NO WAY we could possibly fuck this up.

Feeling Stoked,

Joshua

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Joshua- As a people we will rise to the occasion and find a way to fuck this up. Am Yisrael Chai!

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Dear Daily Freier: So suppose somebody is the leader of a country somewhere not that far from here. Maybe to the North a few hundred kilometers. And suppose you and another country, let’s call it “Shmisrael”, used to be friends.  But suppose you got in a bit of a misunderstanding with this Shmisrael country a few years back. Not saying whose fault it was, but some strong words were said. I mean, like, suppose you yelled at their 80 year old President on stage in Switzerland at a conference and called him a “killer”.  Again, not laying blame anywhere. Now suppose you got in a bit of a bind lately, and may have like “shot down” a plane belonging to a country led by a guy who, let’s face it, has been a real jerk lately and said some really hurtful things. Anyway, do you think “Shmisrael” might want to maybe get a shwarma or something? Maybe listen to music or go shopping? I mean, everything’s cool, right?

Asking for a friend.

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Putin’s pissed, isn’t he?

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Got a Question? Drop us an email at daily.freier@gmail.com and we will be happy to dispense free advice worth every penny.