By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 4/13/2019 at 3:00 PM
Tel Aviv, The Old North: The city of Tel Aviv has a little more equality these days, and people are excited. You see, it used to be that in order to park like a total dick, you needed to be able to afford a car. No Longer! Today with the huge success of rental companies like Mobike, Bird, and Lime, parking like a sociopath is within everyone’s reach. The Daily Freier walked the streets of Tel Aviv to find out just how big a deal this is.
“I love the freedom that this gives me.” explained local dick Dan G. as he dropped his Lime on the sidewalk in front of a cafe. “I always thought making other people’s’ lives difficult with bad parking was just for the rich guys who could afford a car and a permit. But now, I can really make my mark on the city!”
“Not caring about how my actions affected other people used to be so difficult without a car.” noted Ron C. “But with my Bird, it’s so easy making life inconvenient for my fellow Tel Avivians. This is even better than matkot!”
“Annoying my neighbors used to be so hard.” reminisced North Tel Aviv resident Guy S. “But now, with my Bird, I can block paths to schools and create a public hazard on a budget! Only in Israel!”
Tune in next week when the Daily Freier visits the Rabbanut to learn the halakhic ramifications of parking your bike on the sidewalk.
Oh Hi There! So you’re attending the Daily Freier’s annual Passover Seder? A-Ma-Zing! Can’t wait to see you! Because this year our Seder is going to be a Very Special Episode. You see, we hid the Afikoman somewhere in Dizengoff Center! That’s right, somewhere in Tel Aviv’s labyrinth of an Urban Mall lies the Afikoman!
Is it in that weird store that sells candles on that ramp near the tattoo place? Maybe, Maybe Not.
Is it in that little shop that sells pop-tarts? Not saying.
Can I use the “Easy Dizi” navigation App to help find it? You could if you want. But it won’t help.
Is the Afikoman on the parking lot on the roof with the mystery greenhouses? No comment.
Is the Afikoman near the Information kiosk that doesn’t provide information? Our lips are sealed.
Is it near the Elephant Butt Slide? Sadly, that slide no longer exists. So, No.
Can we ask Zachary the tourist who went missing there in 2015? Sure, if you can get ahold of him.
Chag Sameah Bitchez!
There was an old Schumer who lived in a shoe
And whined about Trump while Dems turned on the Jews
His Party got Woke
But he never spoke
If we rely on Nancy & Chuck then we’re fucked
1. Onboard computer kept muttering “yihiyeh b’seder” & smoking a cigarette while holding the controls with just one hand.
2. Lunar Rover pushed to the front of the capsule before the lander had come to a complete stop.
3. The Fax machine broke.
4. Robot was busy cleaning capsule for Chometz and forgot to deploy rocket thrusters.
5. Difficult to hear commands over all the Pink Floyd music.
6. Maybe the shuttle’s Vaad Bayit could have cleaned the windows once in a while.
7. Diverted at last-minute to avoid landing on top of the Moon’s Chabad House.
8. Opening the bamba in Zero Gravity was a really bad idea.
9. Lunar rover became Baal T’shuva and refused to deploy on Shabbat
10. Naftali Bennett kept pestering us for our ballots.
1) Move here
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 4/11/2019 at 3:00 PM
Jerusalem: Today the New Right Party issued an ultimatum to the Israeli Election Board: either perform a complete recount of Tuesday’s vote or else be ready for another bizarre music video from party leaders Naftali Bennett and Ayelet Shaked. So far the New Right has failed to meet the 3.5% vote threshold required to receive Knesset seats, and this outcome is deemed unacceptable. You see, 6 months ago Bennett and Shaked were considered top challengers to Prime Minister Netanyahu. But as far as we can tell, Bibi has voodoo dolls of all of his enemies and forces them to say or do a series of really dumb things. (Wait, do you have a BETTER explanation? No? We thought so.) Thus…
1) Bennett and Shaked left a perfectly good party to start a new party.
2) Shaked made a fake perfume video called “Fascism”. (No. Really.)
3) Shaked made a weird 1980’s-style music video about breaking up with the Army. And Bennett rapped on the track. (No. Really.)
Yada, Yada, Yada, they lost. Badly. They got beat by Meretz, which absolutely DOMINATED the vote on several entire streets near Gan Meir. They got beat by Moshe Feiglin’s party, whose entire campaign infrastructure appeared to be run off of Telegrass. So Bennett pushed back at a Press Conference today.
“Our demands are simple.” Bennett intoned. “A full and comprehensive recount of the votes or else Ms. Shaked does another weird 1980’s-style concept video that makes you think that you’re high even though you’re not.”
Bennett continued. “Do you think we’re bluffing? Try me. Ayelet wants to make another fake perfume video. So don’t doubt us….. I’m ready to do another freestyle rap. I might even beatbox this time. I’m totally serious.”
As the Press Conference adjourned, Ayelet Shaked could be seen behind the stage pushing an electric synthesizer, colored lights, and a fog machine.