Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: As the city prepares for its annual “White Nights” all-night spectacle, the Tel Aviv Municipality reminds out-of-town guests not to feed or harass the native species. “Tel Aviv is a unique ecosystem.” explained the Municipality Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. “The introduction of non-native foods by visitors from Rishon or Petah Tikvah could upset the food chain. Just last year in Kikar Bialik a visitor from Holon accidentally introduced a non-native form of bread with gluten. We almost had a disaster, but we were able to quarantine the affected natives by taking them to that vegan place on Nahalat Binyamin and feeding them millet tortillas while playing A-WA on a constant loop for seven hours. Also, we handed out spliffs.“
Safir went on to provide a helpful list of “Do’s and Dont’s” for Out-of-Towners at tonight’s festival. “Avoid taking pictures, as there is a 30% chance that the person photographed is an aspiring model/actress who will then direct you to their Instagram Account. But by all means, ask the native about their plans to live and work in New York City, but only if you have cleared your schedule for the next three hours…. Same goes for the documentary that they’re “working on”.
Visitors are reminded to pack out any trash they may produce during the evening to prevent it from being incorporated into a piece of “street art” displayed outside those weird warehouses between Florentin and Neve Tzedek.
However, the most captivating (and promising) word for new Canadian Olah Emily S. was “Alan”. In fact, Emily thought that Alan was a mysterious, powerful (and hopefully single!) Jew who owns all the bars and falafel kiosks in Tel Aviv.
“No matter where you go, everyone’s greeting is ‘Alan’ which sounds more like ‘Ahla’, but maybe that’s just the accent. Who is that guy? Where can I find him?” wondered Emily, as she kept on wandering from one bar on Dizengoff street to another, until she decided to finally “ask for a friend” on Secret Tel Aviv.
After receiving 27 unrelated questions about a bus schedule on Shabbat, 56 friend requests and 116 messages offering to “Netflix and Chill” in Kfar Saba, she found out that “Ahalan” is just a greeting, meaning “Ugh, another customer is going to eat my brains, what the heck do you want from me?” (Mandatory Spoiler Alert: It actually derives from the word for “Welcome” in Arabic. So entries in the comments section explaining our ignorance are unnecessary…..but still welcome!)
This newfound knowledge definitely didn’t make Emily’s Aliyah struggles any better and she has even started thinking of moving back to Canada. Keep Olim, Nefesh B’Neshesh and some random strangers from Allenby street have decided to help Emily, but they don’t know how. Therefore, we count on your wisdom, dear readers, to help Emily solve her dilemma.
Danny B. Danny recently moved from Tel Aviv to Jaffa, but forgot important medication at his old apartment. After falling ill last week, Danny contacted his former housemate to bring him the medication, but because “Jaffa is kinda far” and “you really can’t take a bus“, Danny never received it.
Maya G: Maya traveled with friends from Tel Aviv for a night out in Jerusalem on Thursday when she felt short of breath. Maya immediately called Emergency Services, but as she was unfamiliar with the city, explained her location to the Dispatcher as “a really nice club in Jerusalem with a cool vibe.” The dispatcher told Maya to stop prank-calling Emergency Services with fake calls and hung up on her.
Natan P: In late May, Natan went to one of the bars on Dizengoff with the outdoor tables and the stools and passed away today after waiting 32 days for the waitress to return with the check.
Hillel C: Early this Spring, Hillel went to his restaurant job at the Namal Port wearing his uniform of black pants and a white shirt. It was a bit cold so he wore a hat. As he was passing Max Brenners, a conservatively dressed girl who was waiting by herself asked if he was Hillel. He said yes and started to talk with her. Things were going well and they walked to the bridge over the Yarkon and looked at the water and talked about their families. Halfway into the evening he realized he was on somebody else’s Shidduch Date. The couple currently reside in the frum part of Beit Shemesh and are expecting their first child.
Tel Aviv, Allenby: Israeli stocks were in free fall this morning as the crisis involving a group of Australians sequestered inside a Tel Aviv Bracelet Bar enters its second week. Last Thursday, a group of seven Australian backpackers entered a “Bracelet Bar” on Allenby in Central Tel Aviv, and have until now not departed the premises. The seven tourists continue to drink alcohol at a rate that Israeli’s Industry is simply not prepared to accommodate, as for Israelis having six drinks is the “craziest night”, whereas in Australia this could in fact be “breakfast”. As the guests continued to consume stocked inventory, the bar owner was first forced to place a lien on his apartment before defaulting to his business’s Insurance Provider. As the Australians discovered “Tubi” on Sunday, the Insurance Provider went into default, leaving beer distributors and peanut wholesalers with massive unpaid bills for goods provided.
As the Crisis continued to eat through the Israeli Economy, the Government summoned the Australian Ambassador on Wednesday. After discussions described as “frank” the Ambassador dispatched a Consular Team to the bar to repatriate their bogans citizens. However, upon learning the selection of drinks available in unlimited quantities for as little as 68 Shekels, the team elected to stay “for a beer” and have since been absorbed into the original group.
The Daily Freier was able to speak to one of the Australians during a momentary lull in service during Shift Change. “Mike” then explained how the Crisis originated. “We were walking back to our hostel from the beach and we passed a bar. The hostess asked us if we wanted to buy a bracelet. I asked her what a bracelet was and she explained that it allowed you to drink as much as you wanted to…… And I thought to myself “If we had this back home we would burn the ****ng country down.” Mike continued to describe what would happen if Australia ever got bracelet bars until a man later identified as his father interjected to share an anecdote about his son’s comparatively “lightweight” drinking habits that involved a father-son trip, Thailand, and vomit. (Editor’s Note: This paragraph actually really kind of happened once!)
A Police Hostage Negotiation Team has been called in and are currently attempting to lure the Australians out of the bar with the promise of “Macca’s“.
Netanya: In a move described as “bold”, “courageous”, and “defiant”, the jellyfish have returned to Israel despite intense pressure from the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement. Everybody’s favorite jellyfish, Ethan and Shoshanna, spoke to the Daily Freier about their personal journey.
“When the summer currents began pushing us northward from the Coast of Egypt, we just got bombarded with tweets from BDS.” explained Ethan. “Roger Waters wrote us an open letter. Max Blumenthal told us that his dad would NOT be happy if we went to Israel. Omar Barghouti told us that we would be collaborators if we arrived, but we checked his IP address and he was tweeting from the Tel Aviv University Library….”
The Daily Freier asked Ethan if he identified as a Zionist, and he explained his stance. “Of course, but I also identify as a citizen of the world. Jew, Muslim, Christian….in the end it really doesn’t matter. I will sting the living shit out of you regardless.”
At this point Shoshanna interjected with her views. “I’m just so happy to be back. I missed this place SO. MUCH. But to tell you the truth, I expected a bit of a warmer welcome from everyone. But that might just be Israel. Sometimes it takes a while to break into social groups.” Shoshanna spotted a family in shallow water 5 meters away. “They seem nice, maybe I will float toward them and introduce myself. Sometimes you just have to extend a tentacle of friendship.”
The idea of the new account is very simple: to show the world, the UN and everyone who complains on Secret Tel Aviv (#welcometoIsrael) that sabras are indeed amazing people with big hearts and loud voices. Next time, when someone helps you to find gluten-free cookies at the supermarket, offers his aunt friend’s son as an ideal (obviously!) shidduch, picks up your lost wallet on the street and finds you to give it back, or simply lets you cross the street on the green light (He has to. It’s the law. But still…), take a picture of this brave man or woman and share with the world!
Sounds like a genius idea, isn’t it? We took it to the streets to find out what Israelis think about it.
“That will be just another Instagram account.” complained barista Shay at the coffee kiosk. “No kittens, no boobs, no gay flags. It’s not gonna work.” He wanted to tell us about his plans for when he moves to New York next year, but that would have ruined our morning hafuch moment.
“This is cool, really cool.” enthused Motti, one of three teenagers balancing on one electric bicycle. “Achla idea, capara.” agreed his friend Shlomo.
Not everyone was positive though. “This is just racist!” yelled Inbar, while carrying her yoga mat to the free rooftop meditation class somewhere in Florentin. “This is racist and immoral, because occupation is immoral”. This caused a serious psychological trauma for us, so we decided to stop investigating Israelis and instead ask for your opinion, our precious readers.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.