Month: June 2023

Start Up Nation, The Israel Barbie Collection

Introducing Uri the Startup Guy, from our Barbie Israel Collection!

Welcome to the latest addition to our line of Israel-themed Barbie Dolls! Roxy Cruz has taken time out of her busy schedule of pestering her Facebook friends about the virtues of Veganism in order to bring us this new character in her evolving North Tel Aviv Soap Opera! Back in 2020 we met Covid Meirav Barbie, Ken Yuval Melech HaShuk, Yuval’s European Wife Barbie, and Yuval’s girlfriend Barbie Sigalit. In 2023, Roxy introduced us to #GirlBoss Barbie Danit and her Ex Ken Ofir HaHatir. Danit’s story was so compelling that today we bring you her husband. So without further ado, please say hello to Ken Uri the Startup Guy!

Lives in Ramat Aviv with his wife Barbie Danit and their 3 children. Runs a well-funded Online Investment Startup which he created with the $3 Million that his father gave him after Uri gave up his dream of moving to Ecuador and starting a nudity hostel.

Uri wakes up every day at 5:00 AM for no reason at all other than to watch himself in the mirror and say his affirmations. Then he takes an ice shower before he goes to run meetings at his office in Ramat HaHayal, where Uri gives vague instructions to his managers and throw tantrums like a toddler.

Goes to ‘Sexy Fish’ with Ron on the weekends and has a secret relationship with Barbie Sadie, who he met at a Feminine Power retreat.

Has a picture of Elon Musk tattooed on his butt.

* If our readers make a big enough ruckus, maybe we can nudnik Roxy into creating the “Barbie Sadie” character!

** Please do not Google “Ecuador Nudity Hostel”.

4:20, BDS, Judaism

New Cannabis so Powerful, You’ll Believe that David Mivasair is a Rabbi

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/27/2023 at 9:45 AM

Brooklyn: Authorities today are warning citizens about a disturbingly powerful new strain of marijuana that is hitting the streets. “Ontario as-a-Jew Sticky Smicha” is a brand of cannabis so powerful that after two solid bong rips you will believe that David Mivasair is actually a Rabbi. That’s right, the THC content is so high that just a small dose will have you believing that David the Canuckian BDS Activist is not just a goofy imposter. The Daily Freier spoke to NYPD Narcotics Detective Farrell who warned young people to stay away from this dangerous new high.

“I’m not Jewish myself.” explained Detective Farrell. “But I understand that a few hits of this stuff will have you believing that David isn’t just pretending to be a Rabbi in order to make it more palatable that he opposes Israel’s existence.” Detective Farrell finished his Chocolate Cruller and continued. “Three hits and you’ll think that Ariel Gold is indigenous to Spain.“

You see, Ravreverend Mivasair says he’s a Rabbi. But he works in a Church. He explained that he got his Smicha from famed Jewish Renewal Founder/LSD connoisseur Zalman Schechter. Or from a Tim Hortons in Saskatoon. It’s hard to keep the stories straight.

Yet after eating a brownie made with “Ontario as-a-Jew Sticky Smicha“, we were so high that we were nodding our heads when Monsignor Mivasair agreed that Zionism has nothing to do with Judaism. We were so baked that we didn’t wonder whether Minister Mivasair went to the bathroom each time they sang “Ki Mi Tzion“. After two hours we were eating raw cookie dough straight from the tube and forgetting that Parson Dave has a problem with teaching about the Holocaust.

The Daily Freier contacted Pastor Mivasair for comment, and he promised to Tweet his response “on Saturday right after Mincha“.

Judaism

Top Ten Signs there’s a Messianic in your Minyan

So there’s been a recent surge of news stories about Messianic Christians infiltrating Shuls, and people are suddenly waking up to a “new crisis.” Sure, the Daily Freier warned you about this in 2019, but you fools didn’t listen. Their patient and clever plan is to slowly turn us onto The Big J, but we are frankly not interested. No matter how good Bob Dylan’s “Infidels” album was.

Anyhoo, listen up because this is the last time we are going to lecture you on this disturbing topic. Unless this story goes viral, in which case we will ride those jokes until the wheels fall off. So buckle up suckers, here are the Top Ten Signs that there’s a Messianic in your Minyan:

1. He shows up on time.

2. “That’s OK, everybody wraps Tefillin a little differently.“

3. “Can we please NOT do so many L’Chaims? I need to get up early.“

4. “OMG I just LOVE Matzoh!“

5. “This Rabbi is Amazing!” (Ashkenazi Shuls Only)

6. Bibi & Sara attended his recent wedding to a popular reporter and content creator.

7. He thinks Multi-Level Marketing is “stupid” and “a rip-off“.

8. “Well it sounds like you got a pretty fair deal on your house and that you chose a good realtor.“

9. “Go ahead and pick the restaurant. A hechsher is a hechser.“

10. He found the Daily Freier’s jokes about Jesus and Afula to be in “Bad Taste”.