Month: March 2017

Home Economics, Pesach, Tel Aviv Living

Giant Carp from Tel Aviv’s Bialik Fountain placed in Protective Custody until after Passover

yoel the carp daily freierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/30/2017 at 3:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Bialik Square: With the Passover holiday only days away and preparations in full swing, Tel Aviv police executed a pre-dawn extraction operation, moving the giant carp that lives in the pool on Bialik Street to a place up in Ramat Aviv  an undisclosed location. The move, dubbed “Operation EYN GEFILTE” serves to protect the well-being of a prominent citizen of Central Tel Aviv, Yoel the giant carp. The Daily Freier spoke with Yoel by Skype as he adjusted to his new circumstances.

Yoel explained his predicament. “I really like my neighborhood. The old city hall is gorgeously backlit at night. And the jasmine flowers in the summer time smell amazing. But right about now, things just aren’t OK. I’m starting to get a lot of unwanted attention. This Russian speaking lady comes by every day with her grandson. And the grandson really likes it and sometimes throws bread in, which is great. I mean, no complaints. But lately, the portions have gotten suspiciously bigger. And soaked in chicken fat. Also, yesterday as I snatched the breadcrumbs, she held a measuring stick up to me and then held it up against a metal 4 liter pot. And get this….the whole time, she never broke eye contact with me and never stopped smiling.”

Yoel continued. “There is another woman who always stops by after taking her kids to Gan. Quiet. Usually she just sits on the ledge and reads a book. But yesterday she sprinkled paprika and coriander into the water. And listen, I’m not paranoid. I mean, it’s not just me. Last week, one of the pigeons that stops by to snatch stray breadcrumbs told me that a Moroccan family moved into the building he nests on top of and now his friends keep disappearing.

Despite Yoel’s willingness to speak to the media about his fears, key questions remained unanswered. When asked the secret to how he was able to get so big, Yoel suddenly got very quiet. Also, we noticed that none of the other fish seemed to want to pass near him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tel Aviv Living

Tel Aviv man arrested for driving a golf cart while under the age of 70

Golfcart TelAviv Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/28/2017 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Milano: Police moved swiftly today to detain a man riding a golf cart around town after receiving an anonymous tip from a concerned eyewitness of a man riding down Ibn Gavriol who only appeared to be in his late early 50’s. The Daily Freier walked down to the police station on Dizengoff and Jabotinsky to find out what the deal was.

When the Daily Freier arrived, police had cordoned off the front of the station, as a gang of irate Senior Citizens on golf carts had converged on the station. The older Israelis continuously attempted to breach the police skirmish line in an effort to get at the young(ish) man who had dared to ride a golf cart. After finally passing inside, the Daily Freier spoke to the lead detective on the case, Avner T., who explained the seriousness of the case.

“This idiot was playing with fire.” explained Avner. “I don’t know who he thought he was, but if we had not gotten to him when we did, those guys outside would have. And it might not have ended very well for him. ” Avner went on to explain the process of procuring a scooter. “First, you need to turn 70. Or 65 if you were a combat veteran. Then you need to take a road test to ensure that you can drive in the left lane of Ben Yehuda Street at 7 Kilometers per hour and refuse to move when cars or buses try to pass you. Also, we require that you strap an old plastic storage bin to your rear bumper with bungee cords.”

After explaining the procedure, Detective Avner allowed us to watch as the police took the testimony of the eyewitness. Alert local Ronit S. explained what she saw today. “So when I was walking home from my yoga class, this guy in a golf cart kept trying to pass me. It had a black plastic rain cover so I thought it might be my grandfather. But as he passed me in the cross walk, I recognized him as the idiot from Misrad HaPnim who kept sexting me by fax last year. That’s when I called the police.”

The Daily Freier cannot WAIT to turn 70 so we can get a golf cart of our own. Then we’ll run this town.

 

Shameless Self Promotion

The Daily Freier asks Judge Rachel Freier to change her name

Memorandum For: The Honorable Rachel Freier, 5th District Civil Court, New York

From: The Daily Freier (Landsman!)

Subject: Cease and Desist Order r/e use of name “Freier”

1) Greetings from the Daily Freier, providing fact-based news from Tel Aviv! And not to get all Kanye, but we are the best English language fake news source in the Levant. But we know you are a busy woman so we will cut right to the chase. We need you to change your name.

2) We understand that you graduated from law school while raising six children (now a grandmother! Mazel Tov!), volunteered as a paramedic, and are now the first Hasidic woman to be sworn into elected public office in the United States. And that’s great. But we run a Blog.

3) We have built a certain brand identity. Like at the Shuk, everyone says “Here comes the biggest Freier”. And we get a special price. Because we’re Freiers. Also, you’re really messing up our Search Engine Optimization. People go online looking for our stories about disillusioned jellyfish leaving Israel for economic reasons, Tel Aviv’s new beach for Dati dogs, or a story about an American Oleh whose Hebrew is so bad that he remains trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years. Instead, they read about a professionally successful woman in the Jewish Community. And frankly, this is unacceptable. And our  shysters Legal Department does not like this. At all.

4) We seek an amicable outcome where you change your name so it doesn’t sound like us. And as a token of our sincerity, we will send a t-shirt and coffee mug. Because Am Yisrael Chai.

 

Very Truly Yours,

 

 

The Daily Freier

 

Attachments: Letter, Same Subject

Judge Freier Daily Freier

 

Dogs, Tel Aviv Living

Pack of 12 Tel Aviv Dogs not sure if their new Walker has what it takes

Tel Aviv Dog WalkerBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/21/2017 at 9:10 PM

Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu: The dogs in your neighborhood have a new guy assigned to walk them, and quite frankly they’re not sure if he’s up for the job. The pack of dog had grown accustomed to being picked up by their long time walker Assaf, only to learn that he has just moved to Berlin “for 6 months to get my finances together“. And Assaf’s replacement, some guy named Eytan, may not have what it takes. The Daily Freier sat down with the dogs while they waited outside of the Super Yuda while Eytan bought Bamba and cigarettes.

“Listen. We’ve known each other a long time.” explained Rocky, a Labrador Retriever. “Went to gan together. Joined the army together. Backpacked in Nepal together. And it’s hard for somebody new to break into our group. But Assaf was just a really chill guy. He really understood us. Also, he was constantly high. So I guess that helped.”

“I don’t think this Eytan character can handle all of our personalities.” added Shimon, a beagle mix. “Bat Sheva, the Maltese over there is Baal Tshuva and likes to go to the new religious section of the dog beach by the Hilton. Rocky always wants to go to the meetup  for vegan dogs at Gan Meir. (Editor’s Note: How can you tell if you’ve met a vegan dog? Don’t worry. They will tell you.). And Benny the wolfhound over there keeps wanting to go to this one bar on Ben Yehuda ‘to see this girl’ he met. So I have my doubts.  I just don’t think this new guy is going to make it.

As Eytan returned from the store, he announced that he was taking all of them to that dog washery called Doggy Style (And yes. That’s their real name.Welcome to Tel Aviv.) down the street for a shampoo. Maybe this new guy will be OK after all.

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BDS, Linda Sarsour

Linda Sarsour: Time Traveler. The Golda Meir episode

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

SCENE: Somewhere beneath the Knesset. Late Summer, 1972. A woman with graying black hair put up in a bun and wearing a string of pearls is speaking to 7 men sitting around a table. One of them has an eye patch. None of the men are speaking. Suddenly, a woman wearing a mustard hijab over a charcoal-grey jacket materializes, Star Trek Style. She’s been doing that a lot lately.

Woman in hijab: Are you Golda Meir, the Zionist?

Woman with hair in bun: I’m also Golda Meir the Prime Minister, Gold Meir the grandmother, and sometimes just Golda. But yes, you found me. And who are you, may I ask?

Woman in hijab: My name is Linda Sarsour, and I have traveled from the future to inform you that you are not a feminist.

Golda: Well, you might be right. All I do is keep this roomful of egomaniacs silent while I tell them what to do. I guess teaching school in Milwaukee helped prepare me for this work. All of the arguments, all of the screaming, all of the tantrums I witnessed.  And let me tell you, teaching school was no picnic either.

Cabinet member: Excuse me, can I go to the bathroom?

Golda (shoots him an angry look): Regaa!

Cabinet member (sheepishly): Sorry.

Golda: But enough about me. I heard you’re a Big Macher in the Democratic Party now. Mazel Tov!

Linda: Thanks. So like what do you even do down here?

Golda: Well, Linda…. Last month some of our….’cousins’…. decided that the best way to get the world to listen to them is to sneak into the Olympic Village at night and murder my boys. So now I’m about to go medieval on their asses.

Linda: OMG I just can’t even.

Golda (soothingly): Linda, my dear. I’m only setting these guys up on the World’s Greatest Speed Dating Event. Each of them gets 72 partners. And they’re good girls. Good, good girls.

Linda: I just can’t believe this crime is being inflicted on a Community of Color.

Golda (looks at her tanned olive-hued arms. Looks at Linda’s decidedly pale face. Looks at her arms. Looks at Linda): Tell me more about this Community of Color, Bubbele.

Linda: I refuse to sit silently while you marginalize me and discount my struggle.

Golda: You’re right. I have a better idea. Get the hell out of my Situation Room.

Linda: Fine. I’m leaving for now. But I’ll be back. I have the Right of Return!

Golda: Actually you don’t. But we hope you enjoyed your visit to Israel!

(Linda dematerializes, Star Trek style. Fade to Black)

 

BDS, Linda Sarsour

Linda Sarsour: Time Traveler

SCENE: a Budapest Jail, 1944. A female prisoner sits on her cot. Suddenly, a woman in a salmon pink blazer and magenta hijab materializes, Star Trek style.

Woman: Are you Hannah Szenes the Zionist?

Prisoner (with weary sarcasm): You can just call me Hannah. But yes. Yes I am.

Woman: Well my name is Linda Sarsour. And I have traveled from the future to inform you that you are not a feminist.

Hannah: Oh hey Linda. Of course, of course. I follow you on Twitter.  And I guess you have a point. I mean, I only parachuted behind enemy lines to fight the Nazis.

Linda: By the way, did you know that Saudi Arabia offers 10 weeks maternity leave? Pretty good huh?

Hannah:  Hey that’s great, but the Gestapo just said I’m going to be shot tomorrow at dawn because I won’t snitch. So, like not that relevant, know what I’m saying?

Linda: Whatever. I just came here to speak truth to power.

Hannah: Look, I appreciate that you stopped by. I really do. You’re the first visitor in weeks who didn’t click his heels like Ralph Fiennes in Schindler’s List. But did you bring anything to help? A nail file? I could saw my way out. Maybe a hair pin? I could stab the guard tomorrow.

Linda: Sorry, but this whole war is a bit too intersectional for me.

Hannah: I hear you. Listen, I’m going to try and sharpen my toothbrush into a shank now.

Linda: I need to leave this construct of weaponized whiteness.

Hannah: Great; thanks for stopping by. Oh and give Mufti Al-Husseini my regards.

Linda: You’re such a racist.

Hannah: Don’t let the steel door hit your tuchus on the way out.

(Linda dematerializes, Star Trek style. Fade to Black.)

Guest Writer Wednesday

The Secret Diary of Theresa Bridget-Jones-May, aged 60 ¾

March 15, 2017 The Secret Diary of Theresa Bridget Jones, aged 60 ¾

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 3/15/2017 at 10:30 PM

London, Westminster: The British security and intelligence agencies were left scratching their heads last night after UK Prime Minister Theresa Bridget-Jones-May left her personal diary on a high-speed train to Reading. It is the most embarrassing incident to happen on an East Midlands train since her predecessor ‘Call Me Dave’ Cameron was caught red-handed in the disabled toilets with a wild boar named Beryl who hailed from Cheshire.

The terror threat around Flange Station was raised to salmon pink as MI-5 agents frantically scoured the carriages, interrogating anyone who looked like they had been on holiday or had an Irish accent.

In an exclusive breakthrough just hours ago, a page of the diary was leaked to the Daily Freier’s Editorial Staff, raising speculation about the Prime Minister’s ‘special relationship’ with US ginger heart-throb Donny ‘So Much Winning’ Trump.

“Ever since he called me before Vladimir and Angie, my heart has been all aflutter at the prospect of his visit. I have taken up a little Zumba and I already have my new kitten heels from last summer’s holiday in Magaluf. I think I will also trim my “Maggie“.

The “Maggie” is a popular hairstyle favoured by politicians such as Angela Merkel and the new King of Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon, who immediately called for a third referendum on whether haggis should be served in post-Brexit Britain.

Sources are rushing to establish if the diary’s handwriting was that of the Prime Minister or of senior Republican strategist KellyAnne ‘Feet on the Sofa’ Conway. Asked for a comment on how special the relationship was by the White House press corps (which now consists of just Smitty, a janitor at the Washington Post plus the guy who writes Garfield), Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-Calm-Now’ Spicer said: “She’s no Melania, but I so would…” before screaming “I gave you 2 pages of his tax receipts, just go home!”

A real clue was scribbled on the back of the diary entry: “When our hands touched at the White House, it was wonderfully romantic, I can’t explain it, there was instant electricity… carpal tunnel, arthritis, rheumatism.”

Case closed.

ISIS, Jeremy Corbyn

ISIS and the West: moving past the name-calling, by Jeremy Corbyn

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

What I am about to say may cause some discomfort, but perhaps it is time that we move beyond the Neo-Thatcherite/Neo-Blairite visions of the world and find a new approach. Today the West finds itself once again mixed up in a war in the Middle East, and once again we are hearing the name calling of our so-called enemies. Words like “fascist”, “murderous”, and “evil”. But I used those words just last week to describe proposed changes to the NHS. So perhaps it is time to step back, take a deep breath and try to understand “The Other”.  To work toward a more even-handed vision.

Again, the usual suspects continue to use quite slanderous words about ISIS. Yet right here in London, we can witness genuine outreach on their part, with the very real example of Anjem Choudary, who has made sincere efforts to work with the Progressive Community by defending a Labour MP when she got slightly ahead of herself and suggested that Israel should be dismantled and the Jews shipped off to the United States. In fact, one can even compare ISIS to Israel, which I have been known to do in the past.

So today I stand before you as a proud member of the Progressive Left and say: It is time for us to look at ISIS objectively and see it for what it truly is. A community that is ethnically diverse, dissatisfied with the status quo, critical of Western Imperialism, and clearly motivated enough to take direct action.  They embrace the philosophy of Said Qutb. But so do many people whom I count among my friends. They are fond of their beards, as am I. They have some serious problems with a certain group of people clustered along the Levant and the London Northern Line. As do I.

And to those of you who think this speech is crazy and something I can’t possibly have really said, please think long and hard and ask yourself: ‘If Jeremy Corbyn said this would I actually be shocked?‘

Arts & Literature, Tel Aviv Living

Controversial new Tel Aviv statue does not portray a dude showing off his junk

800px-pikiwiki_israel_35612_noah_by_evie_pollig_in_tel_aviv(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/13/2017 at 6:50 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Dizengoff: A work of modern art planned for display in the soon to be renovated Dizengoff Square is meeting heavy opposition from concerned members of the Community. The  statue, designed by Neve Tzedek artist Yair G. and titled “Tel Aviv Epiphany”, does not portray a man eagerly displaying his genitals to passerby. And Tel Aviv residents are not too happy. The Daily Freier walked down to Dizengoff Square where an impromptu protest was taking place.

“I don’t know how they do things down in Neve Tzedek” admonished Tomer C., a resident of Bograshov. “But up here in Tel Aviv, we expect our statues to be touching themselves. Or rummaging around down there as if their lease paperwork is hidden somewhere in their boxers shorts.”

As the protest continued throughout the day, sympathetic members of the Municipal Government met with community organizers. “These statues really serve as a public service.” explained Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. “I mean, when you think of it, a Tel Aviv guy offering to show strangers his genitals is actually a rather accurate preview of what out of town visitors will experience in Tel Aviv.”

tel-aviv-junk1Yet despite the strong opposition from community activists, some Tel Aviv residents see the wisdom in maybe erecting displaying a slightly different kind of statue. Alert local Ronit S. explained. “My family lives in Holon, and last week I had to give my mom directions to my new apartment. So I told her ‘Turn right at the statue of the guy grabbing himself.’ And my mom was like ‘You mean the one on Rothschild where he is using both hands? And then I said ‘No. The one on Dizengoff and Gordon where he is relaxing in a chair with his legs open.’ So yeah…. maybe if they just had a statue of a bird or a car or something, it would be better.”

As the protest adjourned for the evening, several philanthropic-minded men from the neighborhood offered to serve as models for a statue that better served the wishes of the community.

 

Quiz: Is it a Peter Beinart Op-Ed or Taylor Swift Breakup Song? Israellycool
BDS, Israellycool, Peter Beinart, Tikkun Olam

Quiz: Is it a Peter Beinart Op-Ed or Taylor Swift Breakup Song?

Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of whether you are reading Peter Beinart’s latest impassioned critique of the Jewish State or Taylor Swift’s latest breakup song. Like, it’s an honest mistake. One of them is moody, self-absorbed, and uses the pen to lash out at perceived betrayals when a relationship ends…… And the other one used to date a Jonas Brother.  But anyhoo, we thought we would quiz the loyal readers of Israellycool. Good luck!

(The Daily Freier wrote this on Israellycool. Go check it out and take the Quiz!)