(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 8/22/2016 at 7:00 AM
Tel Aviv, Bograshov Beach: Israel is celebrating another major start-up success as a local ice cream salesman was floated as an Initial Public Offering (IPO) on the Tel Aviv and New York Stock Exchanges.
To sun-worshipping residents of Tel Aviv, the familiar cries of “Arctic” up and down the city’s beaches are as familiar as a hug and a phone call from your Jewish mother. But this week, the appearance of the charming leathery-skinned Shlomo Cohen had an extra glow as it emerged he has been launched as “Arctic Ltd” on two of the world’s major stock exchanges.
Selling Magnums and Ice Lollies for NIS 15 apiece has seen the once-broke pensioner float on the New York Stock Exchange, with a share price of $43, and catapulted onto the Forbes List of Really Really Rich People, ahead of disappointed Israeli model/actress Bar Refaeli.
“I never felt bad about charging NIS15 for frozen crap on a stick, there is a market for it and when people’s brains are baking slowly, they will hand over their best friends if you ask.” said Shlomo. Tel Aviv’s Sunbathers were happy for Shlomo, if not exactly surprised. “It just highlights the entrepreneurial spirit of the country, and that fortune can hit you at any time here.” added local Amir Goldenberg, who plans to launch “WaterForYou” off the back of his scooter, to compete with the NIS 25 per bottle charged by some of the beach cafes.
Tel Aviv Stock Exchange Spokesperson, Tal A. explained “We are the Start-Up Nation, and this elderly gentleman has shown that you can be broke your whole life in Israel but it matters less how you live, but more where you finish.”
Cohen, 64 from Netanya, does not plan to retire but he does plan to buy a new vest from Castro and a sunhat from Carmel Market and may expand to cover the beaches of Herzliya. To the delight of the tiny straight minority population of Tel Aviv, Bar Refaeli has applied for a part time job with him.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 8/21/2016 at 6:45 PM
Tel Aviv, Carmel Market: Word on the streets is that the guy who stands outside Shuk HaCarmel protesting circumcision holding a graphic sign while wearing pants with a fake bloodstain around the junk region…. yeah, that guy. Anyway, it appears that he has snipped utilized efficiencies to reduce between 5 and 7 percent from his daily time spent protesting the Covenant of Abraham in front of a bunch of Jews who no doubt are having serious second thoughts about their previously great idea to grab a nice shawarma before doing some grocery shopping in the Shuk. The Daily Freier took the time to speak with Anti-Circumcision Guy to get his incisive analysis on what is going down in the Foreskin Protection Protest Community.
“So it’s kind of hot and dusty here in the Summer.” explained Anti-Circumcision Guy.” And I figured, a shorter speech means that I don’t spend so much time in the hot summer sun. So yeah, when it comes to time spent protesting out here, I cut a little off the top. And you know what? I’m less sunburned now and even a bit less dehydrated. So I guess you could say there are even some medical benefits to this practice. With all the heat and dust here, the shorter length protest just seemed more sanitary.”
The Daily Freier asked the Notorious Anti-Circumcision Guy (or just “Notorious ACG“) if he ever had problems with members of the Community whom he encountered on the street. “Sure, some Counter-Protesters show up from time to time to yell at me, but they’re really just being dicks unhelpful and argumentative. I just try to ignore them and keep sharing my views.”
Despite his failure to change minds, Notorious ACG is not giving up. “I’ve been out here a long time. It’s a tradition. And it would be stupid to turn my back on this tradition just because some people recently started to disagree with it…… I’ve also found that a slightly shorter, neater speech is just more aesthetically pleasing to the public. Besides, Israeli women seem to prefer the protests better this way.”
At that moment, Alert local Ronit S. passed by and vigorously agreed with Anti-Circumcision Guy’s belief that a shorter protest was better, but clarified that “We really just want at least 5% off wherever we go“.
Today the Dear Daily Freier advice column answers questions that you were too sweaty and annoyed or embarrassed to ask yourselves. You’re welcome.
Dear Daily Freier: My mates and I are getting a bit legless sometimes, I mean drunk. Actually shit-faced. Bu the problem is that the next day I am not even sure where I am. Am I still alive or have I gone to Hell? This country is hotter than I thought. In all meanings of the word. What’s the Deal?
Joe from London
Joe: That’s a very topical question. For you and your mates we’ve made a list of 7 signs that you live in Israel this summer (obviously none of them can refer to Hell. Our monotheism doesn’t really “do” Hell. Maybe something less severe but still unpleasant. Like “Heck”)
1. You take a shower every time you come back home (even if you just went out to throw away the rubbish).
2. You have 3-4 loads of laundry weekly and this process seems to be endless. Like a Möbius strip
3. Hugging your friends becomes awkwardly embarrassing.
4. You really miss this rainy and dreary weather of your hometown that you used to complain about.
5. A cold wave of air when you pass by a supermarket feels like lost paradise on Earth.
6. You are seriously thinking of creating a cult to the engineers who invented mazgan.
7. You say mazgan (instead of the AC), and everybody understands you.
Dear Daily Freier: So you know the Anti-Circumcision guy who stands outside of Shuk HaCarmel and protests all day in a pair of white pants with fake bloodstains? Do you know his situation? Is he in a relationship or is he single?
Asking for a Friend.
Dear “For a Friend”: This is a tough one that we don’t have the answer for. Hey Daily Freier readers! What’s the deal with this guy? Enquiring minds want to know!
Dear Daily Freier: I have a question about this unexplainable New Olah psychology. I am a born and raised Israeli dating a Polish Olah. We both love each and stuff, but you know, sometimes you want something… fresh. So I used to hook up with one girl (I’m not a jerk, I told her I have a girlfriend) and she was looking for a job. I told her that my girlfriend’s company was hiring and she should apply. When the two girls met and found out how they know me, my girlfriend became livid and wants to break up… But why? What have I done wrong?
Got a Question? Drop us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and we will be happy to dispense free advice worth every Shekel!
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Mia Deych
Last Updated 8/18/2016 at 6:10 PM
Tel Aviv, Gan Meir: As the City’s vegan restaurant are rapidly increasing, Tel Aviv dogs don’t want to be left behind. Labrador Retriever “Rocky” and American Pit Bull Terrier “Bamba“, the founders of the “Tel Aviv Vegan dogs’ Chavurah”, opened a special vegan section at Gan Meir with bi-weekly meet-ups for like-minded canines. The Daily Freier got a chance to take a short interview before their first meetup.
Rocky explained his dog journey of self discovery “After I became vegan 2 years ago, I’ve discovered a whole new world of tastes and flavours. It’s been a turning point of my life that helped me to distinguish a lot. Unfortunately, like any cutting-edge idea, the vegan dogs’ movement wasn’t welcome in a dogs’ community.”
Rocky then described the reactions of fellow Tel Avivian canines. “From smirking and frowning to condemnation – we’ve seen all kinds of muzzle expressions. But we won’t let them ridicule us! We stand by our principles, and quite soon they will understand how terribly wrong they were”.
“They’ve just gone astray. It’s okay.” agreed Bamba as she calmly continued her yoga practice. “I feel like down dog pose is more spiritual than cat pose (not even mentioning rabbit)”. Bamba paused for a second. ”Oh, I mean we welcome all breeds and mammals. We are here to share love and positive energy”. Bamba then showed us what they brought for the first meetup. “We’ve got aroma sticks, and some delicious snacks provided by the new vegan store on Sheinkin”.
“In these brochures you can read how barbarically pet food producers treat our brothers and sisters.” interjected Rocky. “This makes me feel sorrowful…” sighed Bamba, who quickly changed the subject. “Oh, and here we have some amazing handmade leashes. My friend just came back from India and sells them for a very good price. Want a few?”
We weren’t sure what we might need them for, so we decided to excuse ourselves and leave.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 8/14/2016 at 11:10 AM
Tel Aviv, Shabazi Street: Neve Tzedek’s latest Gallery is taking the Tel Aviv Art World by storm, and with good reason. The Krakonowsky Gallery on Shabazi Street has cleared all of its walls in order to exhibit nothing but photos of people taking photos of cats in Neve Tzedek. The Gallery’s Chief Docent Yair G. explained.
“What we are trying to do is capture the essence of place. And that place is Neve Tzedek. Which has a lot of tourists. And a lot of cats. Everything else kinda fell into place.”
The Daily Freier asked Yair how long the Krakonowsky Gallery has been open, and he explained that it opened six weeks ago. Yair, who hails from Ashkelon, then went on to explain the name of the Gallery. “We were looking for something that sounded sufficiently Old World, sufficiently Ashkenazic, and sufficiently Pretentious. And then, BAM! The name hit me. Inspiration is like that sometimes.”
The Daily Freier then took the time to follow the patrons throughout the Gallery to get a feel for their reactions. Film Graduate Student Naomi P. admired one photo of a Birthright participant taking a photo of a Calico cat as it wrestled with an empty bag of Bamba. “Amazing. She seems perfectly at ease with being in front of the camera. No fear of humans whatsoever….. The Birthright participant I mean.”
Local collector Arielle C. shared her enthusiasm on the exhibit. “Wow. Just wow. This is just superb. And now my obsession with artistic depictions of pop tarts just seems so…..so…… June 2016.”
The Krakonowsky Collection’s Exhibit will continue through September, at which point it will switch over to pictures of tourists trying to find their way out of Neve Tzedek.
By Mia Deych and Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 8/12/2016 at 11:10 AM
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Yesterday our Dating and Relationships columnists Emily and Mia caught up over coffee with their friend Noa from Ulpan. Noa, a returning Israeli who grew up in New York, has been dating an air conditioning repairman named Avi since June. And things aren’t going that well. But she’s not ready to give up on the relationship yet, because it’s still kind of hot out and stuff. Noa had a lot to say on this topic and we didn’t actually get a chance to say more than four words in three hours, but we did get to stalk the guy on Facebook while Noa told her story.
“So we met and then spent like two days in a row together. On the second afternoon his mom and aunt picked us up and we drove to Petah Tikvah for his cousin’s wedding. At first I didn’t think we were actually going to a wedding because he was wearing flip-flops, cutoff jeans and a white tee-shirt. But in Avi’s defense, the groom was wearing a tank top.”
Noa explained her mixed feelings. “So he’s good on paper for a Tel Aviv guy. I mean it’s not like he actually has his shit together. He lives with four roommates and a friendly mold colony in their shower. He still brings his laundry home to his mom in Holon on the weekends. But he studies at Open University from home. He wants to open his own business. So he has potential. Maybe I should just give it some time. Like, you know, until the First Rain or something.”
So after coffee we all ordered pancakes and Noa began to feel a bit nostalgic. “We’ve had some good times together. Like the time in July when he replaced the coolant unit on my mazgan…..And the time 2 weeks ago when he replaced the filters. He’s really good with his hands.” Noa leaned in closer and dropped her voice to a whisper. “I mean MAMASH good.”
“But we’ve been together like 7 weeks. In Tel Aviv. That’s the equivalent of 2 years on Planet Earth.” Noa checked the seven-day weather forecast on her I-Phone. “Things have cooled a bit.” Noa paused. “Between me and Avi I mean………I just don’t feel like we’re meant to be together.”
Later on, Emily and Mia ran into Avi on the street, who shared that he knows his relationship with Noa is in trouble, but he has a backup plan: trolling Secret Tel Aviv looking for women who need help installing shelves or hanging pictures. Emily thinks Avi is kind of cute and wants to check back with him after Sukkot. Like, just to make sure he’s Okay and stuff.
By Chakra Rich
Last Updated 8/10/2016 at 7:30 AM
Tel Aviv, Florentin: In an effort to prove once and for all to the rest of the nation that Tel Aviv is NOT a den of frivolous weirdos, the city has decided to wage a debate between yoga enthusiasts and pilates nuts. And since it involves Israel, this debate has captured the attention of people who don’t live in Israel but still have a lot to say about Israel anyway. For example, the World Council of Pilates is demanding fairer rights for Pilatians in Israel. Council Chairperson Helen Hartuchus explained.
“There is incredible discrimination in Israel regarding Pilates. From the government down to the streets they only discuss Yoga. Yoga, yoga, yoga. They only practice Yoga. They do Yoga at festivals. Yoga in the street. Yoga on the beach. Several Israelis who wish to practice Pilates approached me and say they just don’t feel part of everyday society. They feel in some ways alienated. Israel talks of being a free society but it is just not the case for Pilates Students.”
Meanwhile born-again Yoga students are protesting too…. against other forms of yoga! Hatha Yoga, the traditional and original form of Yoga, claims to be the more spiritual form of practice. It ‘claims‘ to be the true way to connect with our internal energies and the Universe as a whole. Yet some people out there don’t practice Hatha and now feel they are being discriminated against.
Florentin resident Yonatan, who was very inflexible when he started but who can now touch his toes and sit cross-legged while eating muesli, shared his story with the Daily Freier. “I feel I am a born again Yoga student. I was never flexible. I started with Ashtanga and really enjoyed the movement it had for my body. But when I go to festivals it’s all about meditation and stillness in the yoga. What about a little bit of movement in our asanas..I don’t feel I should be ‘forced’ to follow rules I don’t want for my body. I just want choices when I go to festivals.”
[The Daily Freier learns something new every day. Apparently there’s also a yoga called Iyengar. Let’s take a look….]
Iyengar Students are also in protest… Allenby-area aspiring musician Sivan says, “We have enough ropes, cushions and chairs to support all students at all festivals. We just feel marginalized as a group.”
At a national level, Netanyahu has been accused of favouring Hatha Yoga and politicizing the situation for his own benefit. One of his ministers who can’t be named for legal reasons has been quoted “Ashtanga students are yogis who have lost their way. We must ensure that every yogi returns to the fold of true Yoga.”
The Knesset is due to debate whether it is safe for people to carry unlicensed yoga mats for fear of potential conflicts between rival groups of yoganauts.
Last Updated 8/8/2016 at 12:10 PM
Tel Aviv, Sourasky Medical Center: A local man suffered a brush with death yesterday, but fortunately lived to tell about it. Afshin, an Israeli of Persian heritage who grew up in Los Angeles, was rushed to the hospital after performing several minutes of housework that went horribly wrong. Afshin explained his personal trauma to the Daily Freier in the Ichilov Hospital cafeteria while taking a break from the constant procession of random cousins who stopped in to make sure he was OK and had enough to eat.
“So I was staying at my Aunt and Uncle’s house in Givatayim. And everyone was out of the house shopping I guess. And I was hungry. I sat in the living room for like an hour and no food showed up. So I decided to go into that mysterious room that my mom, aunts, grandmother, and sisters go to when they bring out food. I think it’s called…..the……the………”
The Daily Freier interjected. “The ‘kitchen’?”
“Yeah, that’s it. ‘The kitchen.’ Anyway, I went to ‘the kitchen’ to find some food. I couldn’t find much. Just six chelo kebabs, chopped salad, hummus, some soup, pita, olives, and a bowl of couscous. You know, a snack…. So when I was finished I decided that, what the heck, I would like ‘wash‘ the ‘dishes‘ I used.” Afshin paused and stared out the window into the distance. “Yeah. I know, I know. What the hell was I thinking?”
Afshin continued to describe the dramatic events. “So I run the glass under really hot water. To make it clean. But I guess glass doesn’t like to be under really hot water sometimes. And it like exploded. So my hands are all cut up. I ran outside and managed to get a taxi to the hospital…… And here I am.”
The Daily Freier asked Afshin if he learned any lessons from his personal journey. “Yeah. I am NEVER EVER going in the kitchen ever again. Like….EVER.“