Month: May 2018

Nation waits impatiently for your Midburn stories

(photo credit: Secret Tel Aviv)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/23/2018 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Florentin: The State of Israel is currently losing patience with the fact that you still haven’t given them a complete synopsis of your Midburn experience, starting with your Camp’s months of preparation and ending with you driving your filthy car home to Tel Aviv. Midburn is Israel’s answer to Burning Man, and attendees are normally about as reluctant to overshare as a Vegan who does Cross-Fit. Anyhoo, The Daily Freier spoke with several of your friends, neighbors, acquaintances, co-workers, relatives, and exes to get their feelings about your critical failure to tell them everything about your Midburn Camp already.

Wow, I am DYING to hear about his trip.” exclaimed alert local Ronit S. “I mean, everyone from his camp spent the past 2 months hanging out on our apartment building’s communal roof twice a week.  It turns out they were building a bunch of structures for their Camp.” Ronit took a drag from her cigarette. “You know, for a while I wasn’t sure, because it all just looked like the regular garbage on our roof.

The Daily Freier also caught up with your ex, who shared her theories on what happened at Midburn. “I’m going to make a crazy guess…. but they did some drugs….. And then they did some more drugs.

Did they listen to electronic dance music?” inquired your cousin Avner. “How about glow sticks. Because I really can’t get enough stories about glow sticks.

Wait, did the sand end up EVERYWHERE?” asked your Boss at the Startup. “That’s just CRAZY!” Later, your boss confided that you showed him fake tickets to Berlin for a fake Tech Expo because you didn’t want him to know that you were just going to go hang out in the desert and hallucinate/blow bubbles/wear a costume that looked like something from Return of the Jedi.

Meanwhile, this year’s inaugural Nefesh B’Nefesh camp at MidBurn was met with controversy after 7 Americans who had extended their Taglit trip to attend MidBurn woke up from 8 hours on mushrooms only to find out that they had signed Aliyah paperwork and were about to start Ulpan in Afula as part of the organization’s “Go North Program“.

Finally, the women who work in the next cubicle from you had questions of their own. “So we’ve been discussing this all morning….and it’s still just a concept….but did he have a romantic encounter there? And was he not sure if it was a ‘real life’ romantic encounter or ‘just a Midburn thing’?  Because we might have to cancel morning staff meeting and just discuss this instead.

Yet not everyone in town was even aware that Midburn occurred this week. “So you’re saying that Midburn already happened?” wondered the guy who works at your corner coffee shop. “I guess that explains why I couldn’t get anything on Telegrass last week.

*Special thanks to alert citizen-journalist Eric Narrow who contributed to this story.

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Peter Beinart construye una señal luminosa que proyecta su enorme virtud progresista al espacio ultraterrestre

Peter Beinart's Sanctimonitor Virtue SignalEl conocido crítico progresista de Israel y colaborador del Forward y del Haaretz, Peter Beinart, está terriblemente orgulloso de su humildad. Sin embargo, incluso una persona tan discreta como Peter a la hora de referirse a sus virtudes progresistas, a veces tiene que dejar que el resto de nosotros sepamos cuán increíblemente Inteligente soy.

Así que Peter se propuso construir una gigantesca señal luminosa que proyecta su virtud progresista desde el techo de su local. Apodado el “Sanctimonitor”, este edificio emite la primera señal de virtud progresista cuyos rayos pueden pasar más allá de la atmósfera de la Tierra hacia los confines del espacio exterior. Así lo ha explicado el propio Peter:

Hoy la gente de la Tierra ya está asumiendo lentamente lo virtuosamente progresista que soy. ¿Pero qué hay de los aliens? ¿Pero quién educará a los extraterrestres para que conozcan que pueden utilizar perfectamente las suficientes analogías para comparar el conflicto israelo-palestino con el movimiento #MeToo? [Note del editor: Sí, él realmente lo hizo] Como judío estadounidense, siento que esto es muy importante“.

En el proceso de verificar esta historia, Daily Freier contactó con la NASA, quien confirmó que el Mars Rover está recibiendo regularmente los artículos de Beinart del Forward y del Haaretz y que el Voyager II Space Probe acaba de recibir algunos de sus tweets que respaldan el Acuerdo de Obama con Irán.

The Daily Freier le preguntó a Peter si habrá más pasos planeados con la señal de virtud emitida por su Sanctimonitor:.

Estamos viviendo en tiempos muy aterradores. Trump, Bibi, Kid Rock. Y como judío, no me siento seguro. Entonces, como judío, decidí que todo lo que necesita es una especie de faro que emita señales de virtud progresista de emergencia. Se adapta a tu llavero y está diseñado para situaciones en las que no te sientes lo suficientemente seguro: tal vez te encuentras al lado de un votante de Trump, o de un propietario de armas, o de un fanático del NASCAR, o de un judío que no cree que Obama es muy bueno para Israel. Como judío, creo que esta sería una proposición muy aterradora. Entonces, como judío, construí esta señal de virtud progresista de emergencia que proyecte dicha virtud a cualquier persona dentro de un radio de 50 pies. Como judío, creo que esto ayudará a sanar a la nación“.

The Daily Freier le preguntó al Sr. Beinart si siempre agrega la frase “Como judío” al comienzo de sus oraciones, o solo cuando es necesario proyectar su virtud.

Como judío, no creo que deba responder esa pregunta“.

(Original Article in English)

Olah Hadashah competing to be named ‘Israel’s Most Annoying Convert 2018’

Daily FreierBy Yekutiel Bornstein & Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/18/2018 at 12:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: A recent immigrant to Israel is currently chasing her dream: to be named this year’s Most Annoying Convert to Judaism. Rakhel (NOT Rachel) is hopeful, but she knows the competition is tight. You see, converting to Judaism is about as simple as trying to move money from your bank branch in Tel Aviv to your bank branch in Haifa on the same day that you convert your American driver’s license while lacking your complete driving history since the age of 16. So the people who actually follow through on the whole Balagan in order to join the Most Hated Group of People on Earth™ tend to be…..ummm…. really driven. And umm….. really focused on letting you know just how Jewish they are. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier was also able to speak with some of her friends from before her conversion was complete.

I love spending time with Rakhel and I’m so proud of her.” explained her old friend Devorah. “But ‘Baruch Hashem, I caught the bus at 5:00 Baruch HaShem.’ Yeah, I get it. Baruch HaShem….. Also last time she stopped by my house, she dropped off some pre-cut toilet paper, for just in case she’s ever here on Shabbat.”

In addition the Daily Freier spoke with George, a gentile co-worker who has known Rakhel for 6 years. “I don’t really understand Judaism, but I know that Jewish people always sell me their bread on Pesach and buy it back the next week. And I’m fine with that.” he explained. “But this year after Rakhel sold me her bread, she refused to buy it back the next week because she had stopped eating that hechscher.”

Finally, we were able to meet up with Rakhel after she finished buying a bunch of vegetables at the Shuk that she intends to cook into a stew and store in her second freezer before she serves it to you at a Shabbat lunch 11 months from now.

I never thought I had a chance.” explained Rakhel as we sipped coffee in a cafe with a hechscher that is more strict than your cafe’s hechscher.  “But then Neta won Eurovision and now I know that anything is possible if a girl puts her mind to it…… you know, it wouldn’t hurt Neta to dress a little more Tznius.

We also decided to split a slice of carrot cake, and when it arrived Rakhel made the brachos. Really loud. Really Really loud.  As the conversation continued, the Daily Freier noticed the sheer volume of Yiddish terms that Rakhel was inserting into the conversation, which was weird because she converted in a Sephardic Community. Also, she told the bewildered Coca Cola delivery guy that she was Shomeret Negiyah.

This Derech has not been easy.” admonished Rakhel. “I had to give away all of my old dishes because they were once used for treif. Also the table that the dishes once rested on. And the clothes I once wore while eating treif. And oh yeah I needed to move apartments….. because treif.”

 

 

 

Critics fear Embassy Move will cause renewed outbreak of Sarah Tuttle-Singer articles

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/15/2018 at 10:30 PM

Jerusalem, Crave Gourmet Street Food: With tensions high following yesterday’s opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem, experts are bracing for a serious escalation. That’s right: a whole bunch of articles, posts, and Blog entries by Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer. And Can I Just Tell You? Things are about to get real. The Daily Freier spoke with multiple sources on and off the record to find out just what the heck is about to happen.

I know that Turkey recalled its Ambassadors to the United States and Israel yesterday, and I guess that’s kind of important.” stated a Western European Ambassador posted in Tel Aviv. “But what if Sarah writes an article tomorrow where she sips spiced wine and discusses the Occupation with two Lesbian settlers and a Christian Arab clockmaker on a rooftop in the Armenian Quarter at 3 AM. Then what, huh?

Others were equally pessimistic, including an unnamed official from the Jewish Agency. “What if she gets together with a Slovakian backpacker with A-MA-ZING cheekbones and an Imam from Nazareth who tells risqué jokes in Yiddish…. and they decide to solve the worlds problems over a pack of Marlboro Lites? We’re simply not prepared.”

“I hear she’s been illegally stockpiling Laphroaig Anecdotes in contravention to Established Treaties.” whispered a U.N Peacekeeper at Mike’s Place while on R&R from his base in the Golan. “And you never know when she will decide to use them.”

Yet despite feelings of angst throughout the City, there were others who seemed more optimistic. “I’m pretty relaxed about the whole thing.” noted The Gay Mizrahi Truck Driver Who Always Sells The Best Pomegranates.

 

 

 

 

But Mr. Haniyeh, Why is My Bus Ticket to the March of Return Only One-Way?

Mr. Haniyeh, it is a great honor to join you in the heroic struggle to end the Occupation of Gaza! We will drive the Jews out of Gaza….. Wait. They all left in 2005? But we are still Occupied! Because!

But our struggle is not just about the Occupation. It is about breaking down the Walls that separate Gaza from the World! Wait. We border the largest nation in the Arab World, and they say that we are Brothers!

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

 

Elderly Israeli who always cuts you in line is excited for new law that lets him cut you in line

Israel Tel Aviv Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/6/2018 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Milano: A recent Law mandating that elderly Israelis can cut to the front of lines in pharmacies, banks, post offices, and other public services has many Israelis very excited, including the older gentleman in your neighborhood who has been cutting you in line at the supermarket, bank, and post office for the last four years anyway. The Daily Freier caught up with Yekutiel S. for his views on the new law.

This is amazing news, it shows that we’re really one big family. You know, Am Yisrael Chai.” Yekutiel explained, as he created his very own new line for the cheese counter at the Supersel on Ibn Gavriol Boulevard. “But honestly, I’ve been doing fine. To tell you the truth, I haven’t actually waited on line since 1972.”

The Daily Freier then asked Yekutiel how exactly he has been able to manage not waiting on lines without the benefit of legal protection. “So if I’m at the Post Office, I’ll ask if my friend Hanan is working.  If he’s working, great, he comes up from the back room, I hand him my package to mail, we talk for a while, and then I leave.  If Hanan’s not working, then I ask the clerk when he will be back, we talk for a while, and then I tell the clerk that I just have a package to send and I hand it to them and thank them before they have time to object. It’s really that easy.”

But what about the Banks?” inquired the Daily Freier. “Recently, Bank HaPoalim has actually attempted to actually force customers wait their turn!”

“Oh that’s too easy.” replied Yekutiel. “Just walk right up and ‘Rak Shealot’. But last week for the first time that didn’t work, so I told the lady how I once worked in a bank. And I talked to her for 10 minutes about what it was like to work in a bank before computers. Punchcards. Stuff like that. I could tell she was busy, so after a while I told her that I just needed to move some money to my checking account and then I would be on my way…..Also, once in a while I just pretend to be French.

The Daily Freier then followed Yekutiel as he walked to the Post Office to pay his water bill. As we entered the building and he prepared to do the trick where he stands next to the guy in front of you and pretends to know him then slowly sidles between the two of you, he spied the automatic kiosk that dispenses numbers for the queue. Yekutiel stared at the machine in awe.

“What IS this thing anyway?”

UPDATE: Once he figured out how the Postal Kiosk “numbers” system worked, he began methodically collecting every number “For Later” and he held out a plastic bag full of kiosk receipts representing every number between 1 and 999.