Joint Base McGuire-Dix, New Jersey: A junior officer described by superiors as having “tremendous potential” washed out of his Joint Planning Course this week. The Captain, who goes by “Mark”, was summoned to a closed-door meeting with the School Commandant on Monday after the catastrophic failure of his Course Capstone Project. The assignment, which he kept on a floppy disc labeled “Kabul Airport“, ended ignominiously for the Captain, and also crashed the building’s server. The Daily Freier stopped by the Schoolhouse to get some answers.
“The signs were all there.” complained Mr. Higgins, a retired Air Force Logistics Planner. “He answered his phone in the middle of my Classified lecture on Redeployment. When I yelled at him, he said that it was ‘Woodward’ and that he had to take the call.” Mr. Higgins took a sip from his coffee mug and stared out the window toward the flightline. “Also, he blamed a Supply shortfall on White Fragility.”
The Daily Freier then spoke to some of Mark’s classmates. “At first he seemed like a motivated officer. Decorations and assignments all checked out.” mused a Navy Chief. “But during our group project on Base Defense, he kept wandering off to read “The 1619 Project”. Honestly, I blame his NCO’s for not nipping this in the bud.”
As the Daily Freier prepared to leave, we bumped into Mark, who insisted that his final project wasn’t really due “until sometime in the Spring“. We pressed Mark on the accuracy of this response, but he told us that he was “late for a Board Meeting at Raytheon“.
Many us share a love for Young Adult Womens’ literature, but found it lacked a particular focus on boycotting a certain country. A country populated by certain Rootless Cosmopolitans who lacked a capacity for British irony. A country located to the Southwest of Syria, a nation whose leader I consider a friend. So imagine how chuffed I was upon hearing the news that Sally Rooney has decided not to translate her works into Hebrew.
As I told my comrades in the Islington Gardening Allotment this morning, Chick Lit finally has a champion in the struggle to erase the Zionist Entity for Palestine. Sally’s books now truly have “something for everyone”. Our steadfast colleague Diane Abbott noted that Sally’s female protagonists “displayterrible choices in men that remind me of some of the choices that I once made as a young woman.” I’m not sure what she’s referring to, but it sounds like a rather authentic endorsement.
Ms. Rooney’s stand is truly a breath of fresh air. For too many months, the Progressive Left in this nation has been hectored by a series of reactionary Kulaks Blairites spinning yarns such as “Why did Corbyn’s Labour rallies feature a sea of Palestinian flags but no Union Jacks?” Yet what these critics don’t understand is that the Northern Counties that abandoned Labour were not interested in jobs or their childrens’ education. Rather, they were waiting for a Woke Novelist to rally the Proletariat in the Struggle for Palestine.
Ms. Rooney, please consider yourself invited to my next High Tea at the House of Commons.
Tel Aviv (Surprise!): Summer might be over, but for Haaretz it’s still apparently Four-Twenty. That’s right, the uniquely ridiculous Lefty News Institution on the other side of town has apparently dipped into the edibles again, because they just discovered some new Gods that they will no doubt soon disappoint with their self-absorbed goofy schtick. You see, our friends at Haaretz are like a gift. A gift that once allowed us to write a story about a performance artist at a Haaretz cultural symposium who threw oranges at the audience and stuck a flag in his tuchus (This. Really. Happened.). So growing into a disappointment to other deities besides the Yud Hey Vav Hey isn’t really a stretch. The Daily Freier launched an intensive flurry of investigative journalism, tracking down several of these deities on their alternative planes of existence.
“I just feel that Gideon Levy’s writing is getting so…. derivative.” complained Thoth the Egyptian deity of Wisdom and Science as he languished on the shores of the Nile. “And don’t get me started on Amira Hass. She just seems nuts…..Can I say that? Is that offensive? My kid just came back from Oberlin and said that I’m ‘part of the problem’. I’m honestly having a hard time keeping track of the new rules.“
The Daily Freier then spoke with Ishtar, the Akkadian Goddess of Love and Beauty. “I like going out with my girlfriends on Fridays to check out a new cafe or maybe a gallery opening, so I still get the weekend paper delivered to my flat in Neve Tzedek. But their online English edition just seems insane.” Ishtar took a sip of her Tubi and stared into the distance. “So what’s Bradley Burston upset about this week?“
In order to ensure impartiality, the Daily Freier spoke with HaShem, who was dwelling just outside of Tzfat in a reality beyond human concepts of Time and Space. “I know that Schocken has been trying to bait me for years, so right now I’m giving him the silent treatment.” mused the Tetragrammaton as (your favorite pronoun) absentmindedly created a new marsupial. “For years I’ve been complaining about Haaretz to Thor, Quetzalcoatl, and Vishnu at our Sunday poker games…. now maybe they will see what I’ve been dealing with.”
As the Daily Freier was about to end our Zoom call with the Lord of Hosts, we could have sworn that we overheard The Creator offering to trade Haaretz to the Gentiles for Dolly Parton and Chinese food.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.