Month: May 2021

Help us nudnik the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem for appointments!

(Based on a True Story!)

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/20/2021 at 3:40 PM

Jerusalem:  Are you unemployed with time on your hands? We are seeking folks with excellent Attention to Detail (mild OCD is a plus!) and a good internet connection for an exciting new business in Jerusalem!

Our Start-Up Nation ingenuity has found a way to solve the most pressing problem facing Olim in Israel (no, not the shortage of Skippy peanut butter or Kirkland toilet paper at Osher Ad)…. the lack of available appointments at the US Embassy.

You see, some people saw Corona as a challenge to overcome, whereas the U.S Embassy saw it as an opportunity to DO NOTHING. For a year. Seriously, they’re handing out appointments like Willie Wonka handed out Golden Tickets to his factory (But without the winsome charm of the late Gene Wilder, ז’ל.)

For a modest fee, one of our customer service specialists (OK, they’re all Kollel wives) will sit on the computer all day periodically refreshing the embassy website until an appointment opens up for you.

Listen to what this satisfied customer had to say: “So….umm….. does that mean your next venture is to pay people to sit at Osher Ad waiting for the delivery of Kirkland toilet paper? I would totally pay for that. Amazon has been so slow these days with my toilet paper orders.

We are looking to fill positions immediately. No need for a TZ number…let’s not get those snoops at Maas Hachnasah involved. (“Strictly a fanciful jest!” -The Daily Freier Legal Department). Forward all inquiries to our HR Department at dassithegiantyenta@hotmail.com.

 

 
 

Meet this week’s top Nefesh b’Nefesh Aliyah advisor for the UK!

Nefesh B’ Nefesh is proud to recognize this week’s most effective Advisor for Aliyah from the United Kingdom! Meet “Jezza”, a pensioner from Islington who has done some amazing pro-bono work for our London office!

Jezza is no stranger to Nefesh B’Nefesh, having done a superb job encouraging Aliyah from 2015 to 2020 while working in the Westminster neighborhood of London. Yet this week Jezza really hit his stride, even appearing at a parade with a giant float depicting a grotesque hook-nosed man with demonic eyes! That’s our Jezza!

Yet we are not the only ones who appreciate Jezza. Apparently the busy men and women at Hamas also gave him a shout-out (Non-Satire Alert: This really happened.) In fact, this weekend some of Jezza’s biggest fans decided to drive around North London sharing their support for our amazing volunteer!

When he’s not busy volunteering, Jezza enjoys having tea with friends and working in his gardening allotment.

“Anything happen in Israel this week?” By Chuck Schumer

Hey Ladies and Gents! Wait, Sorry for the Gendered Language! My Staff are going to give me Heck about this when we get back to the office! But give an alter kacher some slack! I’m learning and evolving! Ha! So you like my schtick? Some people say it was dated when they did it in the Catskills 60 years ago, but what do they know, right?

OK Gang, so anyone hear any news from Israel this week? Because I was busy Tweeting about getting away from Fossil Fuels. And the Minimum Wage. And those Darn Republicans. And Affordable Housing. But I didn’t find anything noteworthy in the Middle East to Tweet about. Which is unusual, because my last name is “Schumer” which comes from the Hebrew “Shomer” or “Guardian“. Which makes me the guardian of the Jews, right? I never get tired of telling this amazing anecdote!

So yeah, pretty slow news week in terms of Israel and the Middle East. Which is great because it gives me time to reach out to some of the younger and “more rambunctious” lawmakers. Why, just this week I had coffee with that lovely girl Rashida from out in Michigan. She even taught me a song that she learned from her grandma, only Rashida called her grandma “siti”.  Kind of like a “bubbe” in Yiddish right? So anyway, the name of the song was “Falastin baladna al Yahud kalabna”, and let me tell you, it had a very catchy tune! I don’t know Arabic, but it sounded amazing. Like butta! Rashida said the song was about coexistence. Who doesn’t love coexistence?

Then there’s AOC. What a gal! Can I say gal? Is that word OK? Anyways, she came over for a nice visit to my office! And she brought snacks from New York, some amazing cookies from a little bakery in Yonkers! She takes care of me like I’m her grandfather! But you know what’s funny? After we noshed on the cookies, she started measuring the drapes and the desk in my office and holding a swatch of carpet up against the floor. Kinda weird, but you know kids these days right? Anyhoo I asked her what she was doing and she said it was an old Puerto Rican Tradition that one performs when visiting a respected elder. Well I guess that respected elder is me! Naches!

So seriously, is anything happening in Israel this week? Because my staff haven’t told me anything.

Nightmare: Someone just brought a Guitar to the Bomb Shelter

“Anyone like Wonderwall?”

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/15/2021 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: OK, so this is going to be a LONG night. I mean, Hamas promised they would attack between Midnight and 2 AM, and in the past couple of days their on-time rate has been a lot better than most Israeli companies. But the shelter in the building is kind of nice. There are some kids playing. Someone brought their dog! Also, there’s the hot girl from the second floor. This isn’t too bad!

Huh, what’s this? Oh no. Oh no no no. That guy just showed up. With a guitar. Wait, is this the one who was expelled from Hebrew Union College after he failed guitar class?” HaShem help us.

I just told him that I refuse to sing along to Wonderwall. But those guitar chords he’s doing write now…. They sound familiar. Oh no. I think he’s trying to play Stairway to Heaven. Badly.

Maybe if I cause some sort of commotion, it will make him stop. Here, let me jostle the broken futon in the corner that someone abandoned here 20 years ago. Maybe that will end this cycle of violence.

Wait, I think he’s moved on to John Mayer. I hate you Guitar Man. I really Hate you. But no, it gets worse. Someone just requested the Chili Peppers.

That’s it, I’m going outside to take my chances with the missiles.

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

Three of Ilhan Omar’s Ex-Husbands/Brothers feared missing in Gaza Tunnel Collapse

“Some people did something.”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/16/2021 at 9:30 AM

Gaza: Tragedy struck the Gaza Strip yesterday as Israel destroyed a giant tunnel complex, trapping many Hamas fighters in the rubble. Yet this crisis has been compounded with news that three of Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar’s brothers and/or ex-husbands are among the missing. We’re not 100% sure. You see, with the Honorable Ms. Omar, the whole “husband” or “brother” title often gets lost in the weeds. Ms. Omar has a history of saying some not so nice things to say about the Jooz,
but that didn’t stop us at the Daily Freier from showing up at the press conference in solidarity with her missing Brusbands.

Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” Congresswoman Omar sta…..Wait, sorry! She really really said this once! Sorry folks, running satire pieces about these people is harder than you think.

Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yeah, so Ms. Omar was asked about why the United States continued to support Israel and she replied “It’s all about the Benjamins.” which was…. wait what? She actually said this in real life? OK we quit.

So yeah, we tried to write this story but it got away from us. Tune in next week when Ilhan accidentally sings “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahood” on a hot mike and Peter Beinart puts it in context for us.

UPDATE: While credible reports place Roger Waters in the same tunnel complex, he is not currently a husband and/or brother of Congresswoman Omar. We think.

Victory: IDF weaponizes its inability to write a proper English sentence

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/14/2021 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Israel scored a major victory today over Hamas forces in the Gaza Strip, as sources claim that dozens of Hamas fighters were killed in their underground bunkers. Yet the tactical deception that preceded the attack is just as important as the aerial strikes. You see, The IDF sent out a tweet claiming that the IDF was attacking “in the Gaza Strip” leading Hamas troops to move to their attack tunnels. However, whoever wrote the Tweet had as much of a grasp of English prepositions as the guy on Banana Beach last year who wanted to sleep with you and/or invite you to his mom’s Moshav for Shabbat that weekend. In fact, IDF troops were engaged in combat operations on the Israeli side of the border. The Daily Freier rushed to an impromptu News Conference at IDF Headquarters on Kaplan Street.

As newscasters from throughout Israel and the World waited, an IDF spokesperson named Dudi strolled into the briefing room carrying a darbuka drum and a bag of sunflower seeds.

The ehhmm….ehmm the Tweet it was good, no?” inquired Dudi as he rolled a spliff and sipped a coffee hafuch.

An attractive female newscaster from Denmark asked Dudi just what went into the strategic decision to trick Hamas with false information.

Ehhm, it was a big nothing, you understand what I’m saying?” Dudi replied while winking. Then he offered the newscaster a chaser of Arak.

The Daily Freier demanded to know how a World-Class Military force with access to thousands of native-English speaking citizens failed to produce proper English sentences, yet Dudi responded that all of the Anglo Olim in Israel had been called up on emergency taskings in order to augment the IDF’s Olah Hadashah Code talking Unit.

As the news conference drew to a close, Dudi indicated that upon completion of his IDF obligations, he would go back to writing the English translations for Tel Aviv menus.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Abu Mazen’s Top Ten Excuses for cancelling Elections

1. Doctor Fauci told everyone to stay home.

2. Still heartbroken over the Kim and Kanye breakup.

3. I’m binge-watching Fauda.

4. Peter Beinart keeps sexting me.

5. Climate Change

6. Ahed Tamimi ate all the food at the polling stations.

7. Can I still blame this on Trump?

8. Didn’t want to detract from Pride Week next month.

9. The wild pigs that the Zionists release every night (wait, he really said this).

10. Just trying to help the Daily Freier write a decent joke for once.






Brits react to Israel’s new Salt & Vinegar Chips with calm & restraint.

By Chava Ewa & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/6/2021 at 3:30 PM

Jerusalem, Katamon:
American Olim across Israel are puzzled by the bizarre behavior of their British, Canadian, and South African friends. You see, in the Diaspora we’re all Jewish. But somehow when we arrive here, the Israelis decide that we’re all “Anglo-Saxons” (really).  Anyhoo, it turns out that Americans have less in common with their fellow English-speakers than one would initially suspect. The Brits and other assorted Commonwealthians are in fact all obsessed by potato chips (Wait… they’re called crisps? Really?) that taste like they fell in salad dressing at a picnic. And now a reasonable facsimile of those chips has arrived in Eretz HaKodesh.

Look at them plotting their route of makolets; it’s like they’re planning the D-Day Invasion.” noted an American Olah named Dassie as she watched her roommates huddled in a Katamon Cafe. The object of their desire? Salt & Vinegar chips.

Yesterday, I saw my roommate Hannah taking selfies in the supermarket like a teenager.” Dassie confided. “I’ve lived with this girl for 4 years and I haven’t seen her so excited since the time her cousin from Leeds came to visit and brought a suitcase full of Cadbury chocolate and PG Tips teas. Who makes such a fuss over something silly like that?

As we sipped our ice coffee, we heard a ruckus in the snack section of a nearby kiosk, a British guy and a Canadian guy violently fighting over the last bag of salt & vinegar chips. The shocked kiosk owner remarked “Wow… A Canadian acting rude…. and a British guy showing emotion! Moshiach is coming!

When we got finished laughing at this foolish reaction over silly potato chips, we accidentally told Dassie that we’re planning a trip back to the States this month and she asked us to bring back Ziploc bags, K Cups, Dunkin Donuts coffee beans, the new iphone, and some decent cleaning products.