Tel Aviv: With the news that Joe Biden is on track to win the Presidency, things might get a bit rough for our Prime Minister, as The Bibi and The Donald had developed quite a rapport over the years. Plus, Biden served as President Obama’s VP and Netanyahu’s relationship with Obama were kinda hit or miss. So Prime Minister Netanyahu knew he had to act fast. This morning, Bibi sent a nice note to the Democratic National Committee outlining a new initiative.
“I just built a statue of Bernie Sanders on Tel Aviv Beach!” it announced. “I know how much you love that guy! Let’s open a new chapter of cooperation between our two great nations!“
The Prime Minister defended his actions at a hastily held Press Conference at the Knesset, taking questions from the assembled reporters. When the Daily Freier confronted him, noting that the statue in fact depicted famed Israeli Prime Minister David Ben Gurion, Bibi replied: “I said it was a statue of a cranky Ashkenazi Socialist born a long time ago. Tell me where I lied.”
Following the press conference, Yair Netanyahu announced that in the spirit of goodwill, he “would like to show Hunter Biden the town” when Mr. Biden’s son visits Tel Aviv.
Des Moines International Airport, Iowa: In the aftermath of yesterday’s disastrous Democratic Party Caucus in the State of Iowa, Israel immediately dispatched a C-130 Hercules filled with emergency vote-counting supplies and experts on how to efficiently hold an election. Long known for sending rescue teams to Haiti and other locations stricken by natural disasters, the Israeli Government also maintains a cell of experts on how to hold an election, how to ensure that nobody can form a viable coalition, how to waste a day of national productivity, and Avigdor Liberman. The Daily Freier caught up with the elite team as they unloaded their equipment on the tarmac of Des Moines International Airport.
“We don’t have a moment to spare.” explained Team Leader Yossi H. “They need to begin preparing Right Now for their 3rd or 4th Election some time this Summer.” Yossi quickly gathered his team for a Mission Brief, and we saw the various specialists report in, to include experts from United Torah Judaism on how to trade Draft Exemptions and Stipends for votes, and a team from Kahol Lavan carrying a giant vacuum designed to suck all the charisma out of a room. In addition, a procurement team from the Prime Minister’s Office was immediately dispatched to the rich part of town to solicit free gifts.
The Daily Freier asked Yossi exactly what was required of Iowa in order to reach an Israeli-level of Elections Excellence. “Well, the leader of the United States is under a legal cloud and the opposition is trying to remove him from office before the next election…. so you’re actually off to a good start. But perhaps the reason I am most optimistic is that you also have a cranky Jew who wants to run America like a Kibbutz.”
Santa Fe: Political Nerds everywhere (Hi!) are beyond excited this week with the news that former CIA Agent Valerie Plame is running for Congress in New Mexico! For those of you playing along at home, Ms. Plame was in the middle of a giant Balagan about 15 years ago about the Iraq War, secret identities, Dick Cheney, Weapons of Mass Destruction and a bunch of other things from a decade Before the Covfefe Era (BCE). Anyhoo, in addition to all that, Ms. Plame used to be really into Twitter, but now we can’t find her account. Which is weird, cuz it had some pretty cool stuff on it. Like the time she retweeted a story called “America’s Jews Are Driving America’s Wars“. But that was an honest mistake that she owned up to by saying…. ummm…. “Many neocon hawks ARE Jewish.” Yet this was really just an isolated incident, except, umm, for the other time that she retweeted a 9/11 Conspiracy theory about Dancing Jooz.
Fortunately, Ms. Plame has moved on after her campaign manager snatched her Iphone and deleted her Twitter account and just launched her Congressional Campaign with an A-Ma-Zing video where she drives a Camaro in the desert in reverse faster than Israel created ISIS. Because let’s face it, there’s not a minute to spare. We need Ms. Plame to put on her old CIA sleuth hat and get to the bottom of some stuff that’s been keeping us up at night. Such as….
Who poisoned the village well?
(Something about the Rothschilds. And The Freemasons. And an Octopus.)
And of course…
3. What’s gives their matzoh that special zing?
As a special treat, Ms. Plame also informed us that she has previously unmentioned Jewish ancestors! You know, like Ken Livingstone’s grandmother! And, umm….Julia Salazar. OMG! Or as Ms. Plame now says, ‘Oy Gevalt!’