By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/15/2016 at 1:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Peter Beinart, the conscience of modern Progressive Judaism and all around Liberal Zionist Bad Boy, is not too thrilled with the choices that Israel has been making lately. And he’s not afraid to tell us. In fact, Pete is currently quite cross with us for ignoring his amazingly prescient advice about the Peace Process, to the extent that he now takes press junkets to Judea and Samaria with J-Street in order to pester goats. His powerful voice has hit Israel like a bombshell, compelling everyday Israelis to stop what they’re doing and ask themselves “Just who does Peter Beinart think he is? No, Really. We’re kinda drawing a blank right now. Who is he again?”
(The Daily Freier Appears on Israellycool Today! Stop by and Check it Out!)
(Photo Credit: +972 in the Hizzouse!)
By Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 3/20/2016 at 7:50 PM
Tel Aviv: For those of you who don’t know the word on the street, there is a hip source of news for those times when Haaretz is acting just a bit too (!!Trigger Warning!!) Likud/Neocon/Naftali. And that news source has a name: +972. The Daily Freier checked out the scene by peeking into some select coffee shops along Sheinkin and Florentin to find out just what the hoopla is all about!
“I was just so tired of Haaretz’ failure to describe Hezbollah as a self-defense organization.” explained Bikram Yoga instructor Dalia C. “Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Haaretz’s Arts and Culture beat. I mean, the guy running around the stage with the flag in his ass was A-MA-ZING, butt however, their politics were just a bit too Bibi for me.”
Local artisan bike repairman Avi M. had similar gripes. “As much as I enjoy reading Amira Hass explain that throwing rocks at Jews is a form of self-expression, she can’t carry the paper by herself. I just really want to read a blog that’s so nuts it could be my Poli-Sci Professor. Plus, there’s just something special about a collective who make their money hustling European Left Wing NGO’s for donations. I mean, basically it’s a financial quid pro quo involving doing jobs your fellow countrymen won’t touch in order to get money from rich American donors….I guess that makes them the Donald Trump’s wives of Israeli commentary.”
“When I’m looking for something to read in the afternoon, what I’m really looking for is somebody defending ‘Breaking the Silence’ when they move from whistleblowing to compromising national security.” explained food co-op manager Adi P. “And frankly, Haaretz is just coming up a bit short.”
With all the buzz on the streets, +972’s popularity has not gone unnoticed. Today Tel Aviv University announced plans to bring the Blog into the Research and Development arena of its Medical School.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS REALLY HAPPENED!)
By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 3/7/2016 at 4:50 PM
Tel Aviv (Surprise!): The scandalous performance at yesterday’s Haaretz Culture Conference during which an artist placed the flag in his tuchus while pelting attendees with orange rinds, shocked and offended those members of the audience and the public who had never, like, actually “read” Haaretz. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to console the traumatized, somehow find a way to work through the horror, and to monetize this story.
“I….I don’t know what to say” said a shell-shocked Adi F., who admitted that she had never read a column by Gideon Levy. “I wonder if Maccabi will cover therapy sessions. I really want to un-see this.”
Other audience members were visibly angry. “This is an outrage! A shonda to the Goyim! How could he do this?” demanded Michael H., before letting slip that his exposure to Haaretz is limited to peaking at the Weekend Edition left on his Vad Bayit’s doorstep.
Interestingly, audience members who were accustomed to Haaretz were visibly less upset. “Still not as offensive as an Amira Hass article!” chuckled alert local Ronit S. as she sipped a cappuccino in the lobby.
After security escorted the artist from the stage and removed the flag from his posterior, a subsequent body cavity search further revealed 3 Shekels, 40 Agurot, some cheap sunglasses, and a Rav Kav.
(Photo Credit: inhabit.com)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 1/4/2016 at 11:30 AM
Ramat Aviv: Israel’s Animal Rights Community is up in arms over credible reports that a chimpanzee housed at Tel Aviv University’s Sackler Faculty of Medicine took its own life early today after a marathon session in which it was forced to read the newspaper Haaretz every day for three weeks straight. The chimp, known as “Dudi” was found in his cage at dawn, unresponsive, and attempts to revive him with coffee and a nice cinnamon pastry failed. The Daily Freier was on the scene as various Animal Rights Activists chained themselves to the Medical School’s gate.
“This is unacceptable and it has to stop. NOW.” exhorted an impassioned Tamir W. “To force a defenseless creature to read Haaretz cover to cover for three weeks. I mean, I don’t even do that, and I’m Lefty as hell.” Tamir continued. “If they had just let Dudi read the Weekend edition, maybe skip the editorial page during the week, that would have been OK. But to overdose him like this…….it’s just not right. No human could take this punishment. Well, no human outside of Sheinkin.”
Even some members of the Medical School’s student body left class early to stand in solidarity with the protesters. A tearful Smadar K. recalled her experiences with Dudi. “As part of my internship, I used to bring Dudi his snacks every day. When I first met him, he was so happy. But as he got further and further into the Haaretz experiment, he became plagued with self-doubt. It’s like he started to…..he started to blame himself for everything. Like when I showed up 2 hours late one day, he used sign language to apologize to me……but I was the one who was late. What the hell?”
University officials were unapologetic today, with Spokesperson Tamar C. speaking to assembled media. “Whatever. This is science. Anyway, next week the orangutans will start going online to read +972.”
(Photo Credit: thegrindstone.com)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 12/22/2015 at 9:30 AM
Tel Aviv, Shapira: The Break Room in Haaretz’s South Tel Aviv Headquarters has become a microcosm for the Arab-Israeli Conflict, with its Day Shift and Night Shifts unable to come to a peaceful solution about who is allowed to
Occupy utlilize their refrigerator. Things recently got so bad that a “Two Refrigerators for Two Shifts” policy was enacted by John, an outside mediator from Massachusetts brought in by the Editorial Board. The Daily Freier spoke to traumatized Haaretz intern Zoe D. about the ongoing tragedy.
THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:
(Photo Credit: Reuters)
Tel Aviv- As the repercussions of last week’s elections continue to ripple through Israel, the Haaretz editorial board has decided that the most appropriate service it can render its readership this week is not a newspaper, but rather some tissues, a box of chocolates, and a good tear-jerker of a movie. “Our readers are hurting, and we need to help them.” read Haaretz Editorial Board’s statement last night. “We felt that for the Left, this would be the most cathartic response to what happened. In addition, it might stop some of us from telling our political opponents that they are Neanderthals who should drink cyanide (Note: This really happened!)“. With the success of their newspaper replacement this week, Haaretz plans to replace its online edition with an Itunes Playlist consisting of songs by Morrissey, The Cure, and Dido.