Category: Haaretz

Times of Israel arrested for stealing Haaretz’s Identity

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/5/2017 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem: The nation’s journalistic community is in shock today after police launched an early morning raid on the Times of Israel’s Headquarters and arrested key personnel. A Jerusalem Magistrate issued a warrant early this morning for the arrest of the Times of Israel on the charges of stealing the identity of Haaretz. As the nation’s venerable Lefty newspaper, Haaretz is widely read outside of Israel by the Jewish State’s many critics while being read by as many as three dozen people who actually live here. But anyhoo, the Times of Israel, which started out a few years ago after telling the Jerusalem Post that it was time that they started seeing other people, used to be kind of normal. Reflecting an Anglo readership that was socially liberal but kinda to the Right on Security issues. Then things got a bit weird. Both with their coverage of Israel and abroad. Especially the States. It kinda felt like we were trapped in our childhood Reform Temple’s Wednesday Night Confirmation Class. Like forever…. And they kept ranting about Trump. A lot (And trust us, we know that there is a lot about Trump that you can make fun of.)…. But then they started stalking Haaretz. And sifting through Haaretz’s trash. And changing their hairstyle and their clothes to match Haaretz. And copying their voice intonation. Like that film in the 90’s with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh or something.

Yet despite the Times’ recent leftward funk, today’s events came as quite a shock, especially to the folks who got arrested. As police escorted the handcuffed journalists out of the Times of Israel building, one unidentified female in her early 30’s screamed “My flask! My flask! Hey be careful you idiots! That’s Laphroaig dammit!

After the journalists were led away, the police held an impromptu Press Conference which was attended by the victims of this Identity Theft. Amira Hass got up to speak first. “Today I stand in solidarity with the Palestinians. For today I too had my identity taken away from me. Today was my Naqba.” Then it was Gideon Levy’s turn, and he described further details of the alleged theft. “I know that the Times of Israel broke in and stole my ideas. I mean, My Dream Journal is missing. Also my windchime. But they’re going down. My cat saw everything.

After the Victims’ Testimony, the police played a grainy surveillance video of two editors meeting in the Times of Israel Break Room.

———–

Unidentified Female (North American accent): You know what Israel needs?

Unidentified Male, (British accent): I give up. What?

Unidentified female: ANOTHER Lefty newspaper in English!

Unidentified Male: OMG Absolutely! Say… are you going to pass that joint or what?

————

Meanwhile, the not-at-all-Loony-Left Tel Aviv-based Blog “+972 “  complained that nobody has tried to steal their identity yet.

With the Times of Israel appearing to have imitated multiple facets of the Haaretz style, Tel Aviv residents want to know when the Times will also hold a cultural conference where a performance artist sticks a flag in his butt and pelts the audience with oranges. (And Yes. This really happened.)

(DISCLAIMER: The Freier still wants to blog for the Times from time to time. I mean, If that’s cool. No harm no foul? Call us maybe?)

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+972: Because Haaretz is Just Too Darn Right-Wing!

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(Photo Credit: +972 in the Hizzouse!)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 3/20/2016 at 7:50 PM

Tel Aviv: For those of you who don’t know the word on the street, there is a hip source of news for those times when Haaretz is acting just a bit too (!!Trigger Warning!!) Likud/Neocon/Naftali. And that news source has a name: +972.  The Daily Freier checked out the scene by peeking into some select coffee shops along Sheinkin and Florentin to find out just what the hoopla is all about!

“I was just so tired of Haaretz’ failure to describe Hezbollah as a self-defense organization.” explained Bikram Yoga instructor Dalia C. “Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Haaretz’s Arts and Culture beat. I mean, the guy running around the stage with the flag in his ass was A-MA-ZING, butt however, their politics were just a bit too Bibi for me.”

Local artisan bike repairman Avi M. had similar gripes. “As much as I enjoy reading Amira Hass explain that throwing rocks at Jews is a form of self-expression, she can’t carry the paper by herself.  I just really want to read a blog that’s so nuts it could be my Poli-Sci Professor.  Plus, there’s just something special about a collective who make their money hustling European Left Wing NGO’s for donations.  I mean, basically it’s a financial quid pro quo involving doing  jobs your fellow countrymen won’t touch in order to get money from rich American donors….I guess that makes them the Donald Trump’s wives of Israeli commentary.”

When I’m looking for something to read in the afternoon, what I’m really looking for is somebody defending ‘Breaking the Silence’ when they move from whistleblowing to compromising national security.”  explained food co-op manager Adi P. “And frankly, Haaretz is just coming up a bit short.”

With all the buzz on the streets, +972’s popularity has not gone unnoticed. Today Tel Aviv University announced plans to bring the Blog into the Research and Development arena of its Medical School.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Artist With Flag In His Butt at Haaretz Event Shocks People Who’ve Never Read Haaretz

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(EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS REALLY HAPPENED!)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/7/2016 at 4:50 PM

Tel Aviv (Surprise!): The scandalous performance at yesterday’s Haaretz Culture Conference during which an artist placed the flag in his tuchus while pelting attendees with orange rinds, shocked and offended those members of the audience and the public who had never, like, actually “read” Haaretz.  The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to console the traumatized, somehow find a way to work through the horror, and to monetize this story.

I….I don’t know what to say” said a shell-shocked Adi F., who admitted that she had never read a column by Gideon Levy.I wonder if Maccabi will cover therapy sessions. I really want to un-see this.”

Other audience members were visibly angry. “This is an outrage! A shonda to the Goyim! How could he do this?” demanded Michael H., before letting slip that his exposure to Haaretz is limited to peaking at the Weekend Edition left on his Vad Bayit’s doorstep.

Interestingly, audience members who were accustomed to Haaretz were visibly less upset. “Still not as offensive as an Amira Hass article!” chuckled alert local Ronit S. as she sipped a cappuccino in the lobby.

After security escorted the artist from the stage and removed the flag from his posterior, a subsequent body cavity search further revealed 3 Shekels, 40 Agurot, some cheap sunglasses, and a Rav Kav.

Protests at Tel Aviv University Animal Testing Lab After Chimp Forced to Read Haaretz Kills Itself

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(Photo Credit: inhabit.com)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 1/4/2016 at 11:30 AM

Ramat Aviv: Israel’s Animal Rights Community is up in arms  over credible reports that a chimpanzee housed at Tel Aviv University’s Sackler Faculty of Medicine took its own life early today after a marathon session in which it was forced to read the newspaper Haaretz every day for three weeks straight. The chimp, known as “Dudi” was found in his cage at dawn, unresponsive, and attempts to revive him with coffee and a nice cinnamon pastry failed. The Daily Freier was on the scene as various Animal Rights Activists chained themselves to the Medical School’s gate.

This is unacceptable and it has to stop. NOW.” exhorted an impassioned Tamir W. “To force a defenseless creature to read Haaretz cover to cover for three weeks. I mean, I don’t even do that, and I’m Lefty as hell.” Tamir continued. “If they had just let Dudi read the Weekend edition, maybe skip the editorial page during the week, that would have been OK.  But to overdose him like this…….it’s just not right. No human could take this punishment. Well, no human outside of Sheinkin.”

Even some members of the Medical School’s student body left class early to stand in solidarity with the protesters.  A tearful Smadar K. recalled her experiences with Dudi. “As part of my internship, I used to bring Dudi his snacks every day. When I first met him, he was so happy.  But as he got further and further into the Haaretz experiment, he became plagued with self-doubt. It’s like he started to…..he started to blame himself for everything. Like when I showed up 2 hours late one day, he used sign language to apologize to me……but I was the one who was late. What the hell?

University officials were unapologetic today, with Spokesperson Tamar C. speaking to assembled media. “Whatever. This is science.  Anyway, next week the orangutans will start going online to read +972.”

Communal Refrigerator in Haaretz’s Break Room Now a Metaphor For the Conflict

thegrindstone

(Photo Credit: thegrindstone.com)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 12/22/2015 at 9:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Shapira: The Break Room in Haaretz’s South Tel Aviv Headquarters has become a microcosm for the Arab-Israeli Conflict, with its Day Shift and Night Shifts unable to come to a peaceful solution about who is allowed to Occupy  utlilize their refrigerator. Things recently got so bad that a “Two Refrigerators for Two Shifts” policy was enacted by John, an outside mediator from Massachusetts brought in by the Editorial Board. The Daily Freier spoke to traumatized Haaretz intern Zoe D. about the ongoing tragedy.

THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/communal-refrigerator-in-haaretzs-break-room-now-a-metaphor-for-the-conflict/

 

After Elections, Haaretz Replaces Print Edition With Kleenex, Box of Chocolate, DVD of Steel Magnolias

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(Photo Credit: Reuters)

Tel Aviv- As the repercussions of last week’s elections continue to ripple through Israel, the Haaretz editorial board has decided that the most appropriate service it can render its readership this week is not a newspaper, but rather some tissues, a box of chocolates, and a good tear-jerker of a movie. “Our readers are hurting, and we need to help them.” read Haaretz Editorial Board’s statement last night.  “We felt that for the Left, this would be the most cathartic response to what happened.  In addition, it might stop some of us from telling our political opponents that they are Neanderthals who should drink cyanide (Note: This really happened!)“.  With the success of their newspaper replacement this week, Haaretz plans to replace its online edition with an Itunes Playlist consisting of songs by Morrissey, The Cure, and Dido.