Netanya: In a move described as “bold”, “courageous”, and “defiant”, the jellyfish have returned to Israel despite intense pressure from the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement. Everybody’s favorite jellyfish, Ethan and Shoshanna, spoke to the Daily Freier about their personal journey.
“When the summer currents began pushing us northward from the Coast of Egypt, we just got bombarded with tweets from BDS.” explained Ethan. “Roger Waters wrote us an open letter. Max Blumenthal told us that his dad would NOT be happy if we went to Israel. Omar Barghouti told us that we would be collaborators if we arrived, but we checked his IP address and he was tweeting from the Tel Aviv University Library….”
The Daily Freier asked Ethan if he identified as a Zionist, and he explained his stance. “Of course, but I also identify as a citizen of the world. Jew, Muslim, Christian….in the end it really doesn’t matter. I will sting the living shit out of you regardless.”
At this point Shoshanna interjected with her views. “I’m just so happy to be back. I missed this place SO. MUCH. But to tell you the truth, I expected a bit of a warmer welcome from everyone. But that might just be Israel. Sometimes it takes a while to break into social groups.” Shoshanna spotted a family in shallow water 5 meters away. “They seem nice, maybe I will float toward them and introduce myself. Sometimes you just have to extend a tentacle of friendship.”
Tel Aviv, Hilton Beach North: In a now familiar scenario, the city responded to pressure from the public and has made adjustments to help our furry companions in the city. Specifically, Tel Aviv’s dog beach north of Hilton Beach now has a gender-segregated bathing area for dogs concerned about modesty for religious reasons. The Daily Freier’s dog reporter was on the scene to learn about the new events.
“This is just amazing” enthused Rivki, a dalmatian/beagle mix. “It’s just so much more relaxing. Before they put up the mechitza, it was just out of control. I mean, when I moved here from Jerusalem my girlfriends warned me. But they were right. Tel Aviv’s dogs are just total…… dogs.”
Bat-Sheva, a Maltese, shared Rivki’s enthusiasm for the change. “Wow. I mean, Baruch HaShem. Last week before the new system, I was here during the day just trying to read a book and this pit bull would Not. Stop. Bothering me.” she noted, as she strained to look over the mechitza to see who was in the mens’ section. “Wait, did you see Nachum my ex on the other side? Did he ask about me?”
Tel Aviv Municipality informed the Daily Freier that it has some other improvements that it wishes to make to the dog beach, but will wait to see how many people get offended by this article first.
Tel Aviv, HaNamal- A local guy is “really in a weird place right now” about the looming decision he must make: exactly which Speedo to buy in preparation for Tel Aviv’s Summer Beach Season. “This is exhausting……I…..I just feel overwhelmed.” sighed an exasperated Shlomi P. as he browsed shops at Tel Aviv’s upscale Namal Port. Shlomi constantly weighed the different factors in his head that would influence his purchase. “I put on some weight this winter in the gut….and so I want a Speedo that will really accurately reflect this…..you know…..Just a real spillover effect. But at the same time, I want a Speedo that is loose enough that I can carry my Smart Phone in there.” (* Editor’s Note: We actually saw a guy pull his phone out of his Speedos once, and our therapist says that if we continue with our progress, we may un-see this event within two years.)
When it comes to the Speedo purchase, Shlomi must deal with multiple potential conflicts. Not only must Shlomi deal with his own body image issues, bu there is also the hidden menace of peer pressure. “Is there judgment going on when you hit the beach? Definitely. You do NOT want to be caught out there wearing last year’s Speedo.”
As he continued to browse the shops, Shlomi stressed that his Speedo purchase is a form of self-expression, a chance to build his brand. “Not everyone on the beach wearing a Speedo is who they say they are. There’s a lot of imposters out there. But I’m just going to keep on keeping it real. Wait….does this navy blue play up my tucchus? Because I’ve been doing some squats in the gym this winter.”
Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: After arriving with high hopes of success just 6 weeks ago, Tel Aviv’s Jellyfish population has packed its bags and begun migrating northward toward better opportunities along the Levantine Coast.
“I tried, I really tried.” shared a disappointed medusa Ethan S. “I did Ulpan, but outside of class me and my friends only speak jellyfish and I never really made friends with locals. Also, I’m not sure if this was an issue, but whenever I hung out with Israelis, I would just sting the shit out of them.”
“I just couldn’t afford it.” noted a translucent purple Shoshanna P. “I was living with three roommates in Florentin. I couldn’t find any work besides Forex. I mean, I attack unsuspecting beachgoers with my poisonous tentacles, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do Forex or Binary.”
Ethan was quick to add that he would be back “Sometime next year, after I get my finances together“. But when asked if he might try to stay a little longer, Ethan was insistent that it was time to go. “I’m done……I’m just done…..Plus I want to be gone before all the French arrive in August.”
Tel Aviv- Tragedy was narrowly averted today, thanks to the vigilance of some alert citizens when authorities uncovered a Hamas Sleeper Cell. In a sign of the growing sophistication of Hamas’ operations, the sleeper cell was designed to mimic groups of people typical to the municipality. According to interrogations conducted on the agents, this included a family of seven blocking the entire jogging path while they yak about whatever and don’t let you past. In addition female Hamas agents were trained to walk dogs weighing either less than 2 kilograms or more than 50 kilograms while Whats-Apping and holding a large coffee. Finally, retired heavyset Hamas agents were trained to walk around the beach wearing Speedos. It was this final part of the cell that ultimately gave them away, as the Speedo-wearing agent was discovered as he tried to exit the sea at Gordon Beach. Alert resident Ronit S. spoke with the Daily Freier “I was swimming with my girlfriends and I saw this middle-aged guy in a Speedo approach. When he didn’t suck in his chest, square his shoulders and cock a sleazy look at me and my friends, I knew something was wrong, so I called the police”. Ronit continued ” I mean, WTF? We’re HOT, Right?” Interrogations of the cell also led authorities to anticipate a sleeper cell disguised as a guy in capri pants wearing a fanny pack, a man on a motorized bicycle heading toward you on the sidewalk at 50 kilometers per hour, and an older Russian speaking woman behind you in the checkout line who definitely wants you to hurry up.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.