Month: May 2023

The Israel Barbie Collection

Introducing Danit, from our Barbie Israel Collection!

Please welcome the latest addition to our line of Barbie Israel products!  When last we caught up with our in-house designer Roxy Cruz, she had introduced us to Ken Ofir HaHatir. Today we meet Barbie Danit, who has a somewhat complicated “History” with Mr. Ofir HaHatir.

Also, our Legal Department asked us to remind all of you that any resemblance between our line of Barbies and actual people who may or may not live in or around Tel Aviv is strictly coincidental!

Danit lives in Ramat Aviv with her husband Ken Uri The Startup Guy, and her three children Prince, Lolla and Duke. Also their dog Steve.

Barbie Danit drinks green tea every day with her best friend, Barbie Shoshi, who is married to Ken Ron the Chef and is a busy mom and businesswoman. They both do two daily hours of meditation and manifestation, followed by one hour of affirmation and writing down their goals for the day. Then they go out in their yoga pants to run errands and attend business meetings. Neither of them do yoga.

Barbie Danit has a small store in Basel where she sells 400 shekel succulents because hashtag Bossbabe.  However, as she made only 3270 shekels this month (before Vat), Ken Uri will be investing in her business again because it’s a new business full of potential that only started in 2017 and it’s also hashtag relationship goals. Though the ROI is low, Uri the Startup Guy invests because it’s better than the DYI candle business that she had before. Also because Danit doesn’t know what ROI stands for.

Barbie Danit is going to therapy because whenever she sees her Toxic Ex of 17 years ago Ken Ofir HaHatir, (every time she goes to his falafel business by accident), she has a panic attack. Ken Uri the Startup Guy pays for the therapy sessions.

*Barbie Danit Meditation Retreat Outfit and Xanax Pills each sold separately.

Aliyah, Tel Aviv Living

Disillusioned Olah Hadasha makes Yerida

By Aaron Pomerantz & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/22/2023 at 8:45 PM

Tel Aviv: Another chapter in Olim failing to acclimate to Israel has sadly just been written. Yulia the endangered seal came to our shores just weeks ago with high hopes. Yet she swam away yesterday, after an Aliyah process that those close to her describe as “difficult”.

Yulia began her journey with high hopes, with her own Instagram page dedicated to pictures of her “A-Ma-Zing” Israeli breakfast and cats that she befriended in Neve Tzedek. Yet almost immediately, things took a problematic turn. Her interactions with native Israelis proved difficult. At one point a local seal began pestering Yulia and lying about his military service, claiming he was “a Navy Seal“.

Trying to make sense of it all, The Daily Freier was able to reach out to some of Yulia’s friends. “This all happened so quickly. I just don’t understand.” lamented Yulia’s friend Jessica from Ulpan. “Is this because the French are coming next month?”

The Daily Freier also reached out to Yulia’s friend Zachary. “Yulia found a nice place on the beach and settled down. About an hour later, a realtor showed up and demanded 7,000 Shekels because he showed her the rocks.“

Yet there were many in the Community who reached out to Yulia and tried to “make it work” for her. The Daily Freier spoke with a Nefesh B’ Nefesh spokeswoman from their Jerusalem office named Bat Sheva or Elisheva or Just Sheva, and she described her efforts to find Yulia a nice beach on the Kinneret through their “Go North” program.  In addition, two young ladies from Chabad stopped by Yulia’s beach every Friday and gave her Challah and some candles. Also, when some guy on the Aliyah Support Group “Keep Olim in Israel” made fun of Yulia’s Hebrew, Liami threatened to kick his ass.

Finally, The Daily Freier reached out to some other sea creatures who left Israel with broken dreams, Ethan and Shoshanna Jellyfish. “This doesn’t have to be the end.” explained Shoshanna. “Maybe Yulia can come back for a MASA program in the Fall.” Shoshanna thought for a moment and continued. “I bet MASA has a program for sea creatures. They have a program for everything!“

The New York Times, Thomas Friedman

Downsized: New York Times replaces Thomas Friedman with Chatbot Cairo Taxi Driver

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/15/2023 at 11:45 PM

Manhattan: In a cost-cutting move described as Boomer Abuse Bold & Decisive, the New York Times decided today to replace longtime pundit Thomas Friedman’s weekly column with the transcripts of a Cairo Taxi Driver Chatbot. “This is really about eliminating the Middle Man.” explained editor Joseph Kahn. “For the last 40 years, Mr. Friedman has based 90% of his columns on the insights and wisdom of cabbies from Amman, Cairo, and Riyadh. Think of this as a more ‘farm to table’ approach to journalism.”

Ahmed is an affable, verbose, yet insightful cab driver who was created in a collaborative effort between Columbia University’s Middle East and Computer Science Departments. Ahmed still believes that he is speaking to his old friend “Mister Tow-Moss from America” who he first drove in 1983 on the way to a birthday party for King Hussein hosted by Hosni Mubarak. Ahmed the chatbot has a chatbot wife named Heba and four University-educated chatbot daughters, leading to many conversations on the Status of Women in the Middle East that somehow always align amazingly close to Mr. Friedman’s point of view.

“We created Ahmed with the ability to produce hours of folksy homespun non sequiturs mixed with raw insights that are suspiciously close to Mr. Friedman’s own political beliefs and theories.” explained Alyssa Stevens, the lead programmer on the project. “Ahmed has read ‘The World is Flat’. He found it ‘derivative’ but doesn’t have the heart to say this to his cherished friend.“

Wishing to get to the bottom of this travesty of justice, the Daily Freier sought out Ahmed the Chatbot for a…. chat. Ahmed took us on a virtual ride from Cairo International Airport to our virtual hotel near the Nile. “Helloooo Tow-moss my friend!” bellowed a noticeably happy and enthused Ahmed. “Habibi, we must move away from Fossil Fuels and build a new Digital Arab Superhighway! We can call it Silicon Suez! This is a very good name, don’t you think, Mister Tow-moss?”

As Ahmed eased his way through traffic, he smoked a computer-generated cigarette and expounded on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in terms that again hewed amazingly close to Inside the Beltway Center-Left Conventional Wisdom. “Tow-Moss my friend, Bibi and the Israelis do not want peace. Bibi should have listened more to Obama and Bill Clinton. I still love Bill Clinton, Mister Tow-Moss!” Ahmed somehow made “Israelis” into a 7 syllable word.

As we left the cab, Ahmed wished good health and happiness for our family before leaning in closer and lowering his voice to an urgent whisper. “Tow-Moss, we must stop Bibi from copying Trump’s playbook and instigating a January 6th-style response to the Protests against Judicial Overhaul in Israel!”

Sources close to Mr. Friedman remain convinced that he will quickly recover from this professional setback as the Chatbot lacks the required Gigabytes of memory to truly mimic Friedman’s name-dropping capabilities.

 

Binyamin Netanyahu

Israel’s Satirists & Comedians demand Yair Netanyahu return to Twitter

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/14/2023 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Israel’s humor community is in a funk today, thanks to the continued exile of their biggest meal ticket: Yair Netanyahu. According to The Jerusalem Post, the Prime Minister’s son has been banished to America and barred from social media by his family. That’s right, The Netanyahus have shipped their Prolific Tweeter/Shitposter to the USA. You see, Mr. Yair has proven to be a bit of a distraction to our Prime Minister, who has been busy himself keeping together a coalition/bad sitcom featuring such wacky character actors as Bezalel Smotrich and Itamar Ben Gvir. So for political expediency, Yair’s been temporarily banished. Naturally, this is causing a huge crisis among Israel’s humorists. The Daily Freier reached out to members of the Community as they struggled with this loss to their livelihoods.

“My recent article about Yair and Prince Harry is in serious jeopardy.” whined The Mystery Man Who Writes the “Pre-Occupied Territory” Blog. “Things can’t go on like this. Bibi, please think of the satirists. I have a mortgage.”

“We need him on Twitter.” admonished distraught local comedian Benji Lovitt.  “And not just because Israel doesn’t have Truth Social. If he stays in America, I’m filing for unemployment insurance.”

The Daily Freier then walked around our own office in Dizengoff Center and asked Tel Aviv Culture reporter Aaron Pomerantz about his thoughts. “This is worse than the Corona Lockdown when we were trapped indoors and forced to satirize ourselves.” complained Mr. Pomerantz as he drank his coffee hafuch. “Between this and Secret Tel Aviv being way less weird these days, I may have to get a real job. But I won’t.“

As the Daily Freier went to press, Israel’s satirists breathed a sigh of relief on news that Sara is yelling at The Help again.

 

 

The Israel Barbie Collection

Our line of Israeli Barbies are back!

It’s been a minute, but the Daily Freier’s very own line of Israeli Barbie dolls are back! That’s right, the decidedly Tel Avivi dolls designed by our friend Roxy Cruz have returned! Previously we showcased such fan favorites as Barbie Yuval Melech HaShuk, as well as Barbie Meirav Covid. But now we are back with a brand new line of disturbingly accurate Barbie Dolls living here in Eretz Yisrael. So without further ado, please give a big welcome to Barbie Ken Ofir HaHatir!

Ofir works at a falafel place and shares an apartment with 2 students on Ben Yehuda street. His mother pays his share of the rent because she believes that he has dyslexia and has too many problems to hold a job (although he was never formally diagnosed), and dreams of his wedding (but never likes any of his girlfriends because she thinks they are all frechas and not worthy of him.)

He is a proud graduate of the “University of Life”. Ofir just Invited Barbie Taglit Debra on a date. He will take her to HaMezeg Bar and order only a beer and edamame because he has only 170 shekels to his name and he needs to take Barbie Sigalit on a date next Saturday. Also Barbie Israeli Spouse if she gets tired of Ken Yuval Melech HaShuk.

*If you call now, you will also get a free pair of Havaiana flip flops for Ken Ofir as well as the mug for his Nescafe.

**Box of antibiotics for Barbie Taglit Debra’s discomfort after unprotected sex with Ken Ofir sold separately.