Month: July 2022

Joe Biden, Start Up Nation

Ben Gurion Airport has “No Idea” where Biden’s Luggage is located

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/13/2022 at 10:50 PM

Ben Gurion Airport: President Biden’s historic Middle East visit is in crisis this evening upon the news that nobody at the airport has a clue where his luggage is currently located. Even before Corona, Ben Gurion was never really known for “Customer Service” per se. It’s not really our thing here in Israel, and we like to think that it’s actually part of our charm! But with Corona rules quickly fading away, Ben Gurion Airport slowly realized that the employees it placed on unpaid leave aren’t coming back. So, nothing’s getting done and you’re never getting your bags. Like Ever. Even if you’re the President of the United States. The Daily Freier wandered around Terminal One as dozens of White House Aides frantically searched for the President’s baggage.

As news of Joe’s missing bags slowly sunk in, a phalanx of extremely excited young men and women wearing khakis and dockers quickly fanned out in a frantic scavenger hunt. First, they ran into Moti from Ground Handling. “How should I know?” asked Moti as he chewed on sunflower seeds in the break room. “Bags are Bags. Maybe you should come back tomorrow when Gila returns from the Kinneret. She’s pretty smart about these things.“

Undaunted by their lack of success with Moti, the White House team moved on to Baggage Claim, only to run into a family of distraught Canadian tourists walking through a veritable graveyard of unclaimed bags. The White House aides asked our Canadian friends if they had seen a set of pristine blue gym bags with the words “POTUS” and “Joe from Scranton” written in white cursive letters on the side. The Canadians, being Canadians, apologized profusely that they had not in fact seen the Presidents bags before returning to their desperate attempt to find their property before Airport employees looted the bags then destroyed them in a crusher. (Ha Ha! Just kidding! That would NEVER happen! Wait…. It just happened. Oops. Our bad.)

With night quickly approaching, the Presidential team spotted several cleaning personnel smoking cigarettes outside of Terminal One. Had they seen the bags? “Are you from America?” asked Nadav. “Next month I want to go to Miami and Las Vegas and New York. I’m going to rent a car. So where are the good outlet malls?” The President’s advance team informed Nadav that they were quite busy right now and did not have time to discuss the finer points of American Road Trips, but Nadav was undeterred. “Where does The Rock live?“

Jerusalem, Judaism

Vegan Jewish extremists caught sacrificing Tofurky on Temple Mount
Still not the weirdest Ba’al Teshuva that you’ve ever met from the Gush!

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/7/2022 at 1:50 PM

Jerusalem, Har HaBayit: A potential International Incident was narrowly averted today, thanks to the quick reaction of Israeli Law Enforcement. This morning a group of Vegan Extremists infiltrated the Temple Mount during the allotted Jewish visitation hours. While guards were distracted by somebody possibly reciting the Shema, the Vegan Extremists attempted to sacrifice a Tofurky, thus fulfilling Biblical Prophecy. At the last minute, a policewoman intervened and managed to wrestle the lead Vegan to the ground because she wasn’t Vegan. The Police held a hasty news conference outside the Dung Gate.

The Daily Freier questioned the police spokesperson as to how they were able to so quickly identify the suspects and close in for the arrest: How did they figure out which Jews on the Temple Mount were Vegans?

“They walked across the entire plaza in order to inform us that they’re Vegans.” the spokesperson replied. “Then they sent us multiple texts announcing that they’re Vegans. They’re currently in our Holding Cells, and to be honest, they still haven’t stopped telling their fellow prisoners that they’re Vegans.”

The Daily Freier then traveled to the Confinement Facility in order to get the Vegans’ perspective on this potentially catastrophic incident. A man introduced himself as Nahum, but said we could also call him Starseed. “This was an act of Solidarity with the animals. I hope that our action strikes a blow against the Meat Industry.” Nahum/Starseed then lowered his voice and looked around the room. “I was also hoping that this incident would catch the attention of Outspoken Tel Aviv Vegan/Daily Freier contributor Roxy Cruz so she would maybe go out on a date with me.”

The Daily Freier challenged Nahum/Starseed that his Group’s actions were counterproductive and could have triggered an International Incident but he was adamant. “Whatever. I guarantee you that I’m still not the weirdest Ba’al Teshuva that you’ve ever met from the Gush.”

As the story went to print, the activists were placed on conditional release in order to allow them to arrive on time for their 3 day retreat in the Arava, doing yoga and channeling their feminine energy at the price of 2400 NIS per person.

 
Mossad, Start Up Nation

Israel deploys experts from El Al to cripple Damascus Airport

(Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/2/2022 at 13:30

Damascus: In a scene right out of spy Thrillers like “Fauda” or “Tehran“, Israel has infiltrated Damascus International Airport, crippling Iranian weapons shipments. Yet this feat was accomplished not by the vaunted Israeli Air Force, nor was it accomplished by the secretive Mossad. Rather, Damascus Airport was taken down by an elite team from El Al Airlines. You see, when it comes to really screwing up air travel, nobody comes close to the expertise of El Al. There is even a Facebook group to complain about them (Spoiler Alert: They don’t care). In order to get the whole story, The Daily Freier spoke with stranded travelers and employees at Damascus Airport via Zoom and pestered some real journalists who were actually on the scene.

“Somebody just took down our website.” complained Ahmed from the Airport’s IT office. “How do you take down a website that runs on Windows 95? Who still has access to that technology? Our country has been in a civil war for 11 years. What’s your excuse?”

“I’ve been on hold for 7 hours.” noted a frustrated woman named Fatima as she watched her 3 children while trying to reach a customer service representative. “If this sorcery is the work of the Jews, then they are even more clever than we previously believed.“

While we spoke to Fatima, another traveler joined in and noted his experience. “I finally got through on the telephone to a human.” explained Saleh. “Unfortunately, he told me that the only person who can help me is on Maternity Leave. When I told him that my luggage has been lost for 3 days, he called me a Liar.“

The International Community was quick to condemn Israel’s actions at Damascus Airport. A spokesperson for Russia’s foreign ministry declared that “The provocative Israeli attack against essential civilian infrastructure is an absolutely unacceptable violation of international norms”. (REAL WORLD NON-SATIRE ALERT: Russia really really said this.)

A Syrian official speaking on condition of anonymity stated that El Al’s attacks would have actually been much worse, but Damascus Airport stopped using Fax Machines in 2007.