It is the time of year where we pause to commemorate the campaign of War Crimes and Dispossession against the Ancient Egyptian People that some refer to as “Passover.” Now many years ago, a group of Rootless Cosmopolitans known as the “Israelites” decamped to the Nile Delta, a region that my friends in the Muslim Brotherhood say is quite lovely. At first the Egyptians showed the traditional generous hospitality that I can only hope to emulate when I have the precious opportunity to offer Raed Salah tea on the House of Commons Terrace.
Last Updated 3/13/2018 at 6:00 PM
Camden, London: Today a very irate Labour Activist is demanding to know why she wasn’t invited to join Jeremy Corbyn’s secret Anti-Semitic Facebook Group “Palestine Live”. An investigation by David Collier uncovered that the Secret Facebook Group “trafficked in anti-Semitic conspiracy theories, posted articles by Neo-Nazis, denied Israel’s right to exist, and called pro-Israel Jews “Zio-Nazis.” The group included Holocaust Denier Paul Eisen, as well as “the Jew who was too Anti-Semitic for the BDS Movement” Gilad Atzmon. And in a revelation that shocked people who still believe in the Tooth Fairy, the head of Breaking the Silence was also a member of the group…..Well rest assured, Labour Member of Parliament Danielle Lynne-Stephens is quite upset and wants to know why she never received an invite. The Daily Freier stopped by Momentum Headquarters in London to meet up with MP Lynne-Stephens and have a little chat.
“I really didn’t want to ‘Go There’, but I can’t help but think there is a bit of sexism in the BDS Community. Honestly, sometimes it feels like the Anti-Israel Left has a Glass Ceiling. I mean, how else to explain why I wasn’t asked to join Palestine Live? I’ve paid my dues. The mob that attacked the Israeli Club at King’s College? I was there……I own 12 keffiyehs….. The Women’s Boat to Gaza? I was First Mate. I mean, until we got lost.….”
Danielle went on to explain just how unfair her exclusion from the group was. “How many times do I need to talk about the Rothschilds before I get an invite? And the sad part is, I could have really helped them with the quality of their memes……Like, they passed around pictures of hook-nosed Jews with demonic eyes? Big Deal. For a month my profile picture was a giant octopus with a big nose and a Star of David!”“I’m sorry, but my obsessive hatred of Israel takes a back seat to nobody in that group. Posting articles by David Duke? Hellooooo? David Duke once posted an article written by me!….Saying that 9/11 was an Israeli False-Flag operation? Please. I’ve been saying it since the days of dial-up Internet.”
“It just isn’t fair.” Danielle continued. “How many times do I have to use the word “Zio” before I start getting the respect I deserve? And don’t tell me Corbyn didn’t know I wasn’t in the group. He commented and ‘Liked’ posts all the time! I’m tempted to take a walk over to Jeremy’s gardening allotment and give him a piece of my mind.”
For his part, Mr. Corbyn says he denounces anti-Semitism in all its forms and has launched a committee to look into any wrong-doing by Labour MP’s. The Committee will be led by Ken Livingstone, Jackie Walker, and George Galloway.
This week we observe another sad anniversary of displacement and dispossession in Historic Palestine: The Zionist Land-Grab masquerading as Environmentalism known as “Tu B’Shevat“. This so-called “Birthday of the Trees” is sadly little more than another attempt by the Zionists to create “Facts on the Ground“, or more specifically “In the Ground“. While some Zionists attempt to portray the scheme as a sort of Poor Man’s Earth Day, it is rather little more than a Naqba with a green facade. Additionally, Israeli school children are encouraged to plant trees, once again contributing to the gradual marginalization of the Palestinian people from their land, tree by planted tree.
Furthermore, On Tu B’Shevat it is customary to have a “Seder“, where the Israelis commit mass amounts of cultural appropriation by displaying and then eating various indigenous Palestinian fruit and nuts. To add insult to injury, the debacle gains a festive air as attendees consume four glasses of wine.
But all is not lost. The outspoken Palestinian activists known as “Hamas“, whom I count among my friends, have their own ecological beliefs. Something about helpful trees and rocks that talk. And in this parable, perhaps we can strive to find a solution to the current impasse. A Solution that is indeed rather Final, if you will. Quite Fascinating, to tell the truth. Quite Fascinating.
As we enter the Holiday Season, once again we are reminded of a truly shameful episode in history: the Celebration of Zionist violence and dispossession known as “Chanukah”. Approximately 2200 years ago in Historic Palestine, the Jewish people were fortunate enough to fall under the wise leadership of Syria, a nation whose current leader I consider a friend and which I have visited in the spirit of bonhomie and brotherhood. Syria was then ruled by a most dynamic and motivated man, King Antiochus Epiphanes. Now Antiochus was a rather forward-thinking leader who encouraged the Jews to engage in physical exercise at the well-appointed leisure centres known locally as “Gymnasiums”. The tradition at the time was to exercise naked, which may strike some as unorthodox, but not anyone who has ever visited me in my Gardening Allotment during Mid-Summer. Additionally, Antiochus did his best to encourage the Jews to participate in group activities within the Syrian polity, but again and again he was rudely rebuffed. They even declined to take part in the Community Pig Roast and Pot-Luck that Antiochus sponsored at their Temple.
Just when Antiochus seemed to be making serious headway in terms of showing the Jewish Community a path toward peace, a gang of Likudniks known as the “Maccabees” began agitating and detracting from the shared sense of community in Palestine. The clique’s leader, one Judah Maccabee, felt compelled to attack his Syrian neighbors, a trend that sadly continues to this day. And in an incident that really should be brought to the attention of the RSPCA, the Maccabees engaged in wanton cruelty toward the Syrians’ pet elephants. Finally, despite the noble resistance of the Syrians, they were expelled from Palestine by the Maccabee war machine.
Then the Maccabees returned to the Temple and proceeded to undo all of the improvements made by Mr. Antiochus. Tellingly, they first sought fuel to light their lamps, sadly marking this as just another War for Oil. Today, this unfortunate episode in the Struggle of the Dispossessed is celebrated with such crass spectacle as unhealthy fried foods, doughnuts filled with empty calories, and encouraging children to gamble. Stay tuned next month when I decry the Imperialistic Land Grab known as “Tu B’Shvat”.
May 30, 2017
Finsbury Park: So far 2017 has been a rather trying year for me. The Islington People’s-Socialist-Fair-Trade-Third-World-Food Co-Op has been quite simply in an uproar since last month’s “Venezuelan Quinoa Incident“. The Food Co-Op’s whatsapp group has become veritable torture for me. To be honest, I am quite the Luddite, so I only took an iPhone under duress because Party Leadership said I needed to be “more accessible” when I go on my morning walkabouts in the Heath. And it is not only the Quinoa Incident that they debate endlessly in the chat group. Of course there is the NGO “Palestinian Lesbian Anarchists against the Wall” that wants to sell their wares in our shop. So far so good, but what is their position on Climate Change? And the NHS? And manspreading?
Then there is my bicycle, which continues to break at the most inopportune moments, like when I was on my way to the Marwan Barghouti Benefit Concert in Tower Hamlets last week. Of course, one would be remiss without mentioning my garden allotment. Ms. Bannister insists that it was my kale crop that introduced the weevils that seem poised to make quite a snack of her corn crop. Incidentally, a certain Mr. Goldstein continues to illegally occupy encroach upon my radishes with his rather arcane crop of chick peas and red peppers. So you can see, Mr. Corbyn’s (very vegan) plate is rather full. I am burning the (vegetable oil) candle at both ends. Jezz needs a break.
With all of my responsibilities, I simply do not have time for all of the nonsense in Parliament. “Votes“. “NATO”. “Protecting the citizens of the United Kingdom“. Therefore, for the past several months I have done everything in my power to get myself removed from office so that I may return to focusing on the important things, like the problematic gear shift on my Schwinn. And the sorry state of my lettuce crop. And improving my attendance for the Yoga Classes at the Leisure Centre. But it appears to be all for naught. I have tried everything.
So visiting Syria as the guest of Bashar Assad was not enough? How about if my travel-mate was Jenny Tonge? How about that I attended a wreath laying ceremony for the lead architect of the 1972 Munich Olympics….misunderstanding? Then I refused to apologize for inviting the Irish Republican Army for tea at the height of their 1980’s bombing campaign. For goodness sake, I blamed the Manchester attack on British Foreign Policy
Now it appears that even if Labour loses next month’s election, I still won’t be allowed to step down. I am simply at my wit’s end. Once again…. Just what must I do to get kicked out of Labour?
What I am about to say may cause some discomfort, but perhaps it is time that we move beyond the Neo-Thatcherite/Neo-Blairite visions of the world and find a new approach. Today the West finds itself once again mixed up in a war in the Middle East, and once again we are hearing the name calling of our so-called enemies. Words like “fascist”, “murderous”, and “evil”. But I used those words just last week to describe proposed changes to the NHS. So perhaps it is time to step back, take a deep breath and try to understand “The Other”. To work toward a more even-handed vision.
Again, the usual suspects continue to use quite slanderous words about ISIS. Yet right here in London, we can witness genuine outreach on their part, with the very real example of Anjem Choudary, who has made sincere efforts to work with the Progressive Community by defending a Labour MP when she got slightly ahead of herself and suggested that Israel should be dismantled and the Jews shipped off to the United States. In fact, one can even compare ISIS to Israel, which I have been known to do in the past.
So today I stand before you as a proud member of the Progressive Left and say: It is time for us to look at ISIS objectively and see it for what it truly is. A community that is ethnically diverse, dissatisfied with the status quo, critical of Western Imperialism, and clearly motivated enough to take direct action. They embrace the philosophy of Said Qutb. But so do many people whom I count among my friends. They are fond of their beards, as am I. They have some serious problems with a certain group of people clustered along the Levant and the London Northern Line. As do I.
And to those of you who think this speech is crazy and something I can’t possibly have really said, please think long and hard and ask yourself: ‘If Jeremy Corbyn said this would I actually be shocked?‘
On Saturday we will mark another anniversary of a sad and quite frankly unnecessary chapter in history: the Naqba tragedy that some Zionists refer to as “Purim”. The events occurred 2300 years ago in a place called Shushan, now ruled by a man I consider a friend, the Ayatollah Khameini. Shushan’s King Ahashveros was an essentially decent man, yet a man who sadly fell under the influence of a certain world-wide conspiracy led by a certain group of people from a certain part of the world. I will give you three guesses who I’m talking about, but the first two guesses don’t count.
The King had a loyal viceroy, a man named Haman. Now Haman was a bit of a boisterous chap, not unlike the noble yet sometimes over-enthusiastic Yassar Arafat. Haman had some rather radical ideas for promoting demographic harmony in the Kingdom. Yet as my old friend Idi Amin noted to me once, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
King Ahashveros’ problems began after he married his second wife, a woman named Esther. Happened to be Jewish. Esther, showing a capacity to manipulate governments that is all too familiar to those of us who pay attention to these things, quickly found an important post in the Kingdom for her Uncle Mordecai, a Far-Right Likudnik agitator. Mordecai blatantly refused to respect the proper authority of Haman. Haman, as an indigenous inhabitant of the land, was quite justifiably offended by the settler Mordecai’s violation of his honor. Haman quickly devised a solution to this problem. Indeed, his Solution was actually rather Final. Yet once again, an unnamed International Conspiracy usurped the sovereignty of a Middle Eastern Government. Pulling on the strings of power, Esther unduly influenced the King, and in an action in clear violation of International Law, Haman was martyred executed.
Just to add insult to injury, Zionists today celebrate this War Crime with a crass week-long party rife with costumes that are quite frankly guilty of sexism and cultural appropriation, coupled with behavior that under normal circumstances would trigger multiple ASBO’s. One can only hope that this year there is a more progressive J-Street commemoration of Purim.