Category: Jeremy Corbyn

Exciting times for The Democratic Party! By Jeremy Corbyn

I just wanted to take a moment from my day to reflect on some simply amazing developments across the Atlantic. For too long, the Democratic Party pushed all of the same sad old Center-Left/Clinton-Blair themes. But today there are some exciting new faces shaking things up! It is in this vein that I have looked on with much fondness and anticipation at the exciting young voices in the Party, especially Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar. Now Ms. Tlaib has created a very robust coalition, consisting of the Many not The Jew Few, and her friends have some very innovative solutions to the crisis in Palestine. Indeed, some of their Solutions seem rather Final. If this was not exciting enough for one day, finding out that Ms. Tlaib used to write for Louis Farrakhan’s newspaper was quite simply delicious. Minister Farrakhan and I share so much, particularly in our views concerning “The People of the Book”.

Yet in much the same case as with today’s Labour Party, there are unseen powers working against Rashida, Ilhan, and our other friends in the Democratic Party.  Who are these Unseen Powers? We really don’t know for sure, but we have a pretty good idea who (((They))) are. Speaking of which, Ilhan quickly determined the source of Power wielded by a certain group of Rootless Cosmopolitans who claim to come from the Levant.  As the Young People would say, it is in fact “All About the Benjamins“. (Isn’t the Vernacular of the Street simply delightful in its ability to turn a phrase? Fascinating, really.) Finally, we had a voice pointing out what so many of us on the Progressive Left have known for so long: that Israel has been hypnotizing the World. Furthermore, watching Ms. Omar’s vociferous cross-examination of that Zio  former Reagan and Bush Administration appointee Elliot Abrams was quite simply a breath of fresh air. And while she did not know his actual name, and would not let him respond to her questions, her fighting spirit reminded me of the best of George Galloway (who may be back in Labour sooner than you think. You heard it here first!). This was almost as refreshing as my Comrade McDonnell informing us this week that Winston Churchill was a villain!

Yet as much as I admire Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar, I would be remiss to ignore the great achievements of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! Her astute views on the merits of a Socialist Command Economy are a clear indicator of her bright future in politics. We even Tweet to one another sometimes! So while Ms. Ocasio-Cortez may not yet be as far along as Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar when it comes to the Jewish Question, all of us in Labour have confidence that she will soon see this issue as we see it.

So while I am not one to blow my own horn, to the extent that any of their new direction was inspired by today’s Labour Party, well I am right chuffed. In fact, I look forward to inviting Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar for Tea at the House of Commons some time this Spring!

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Jeremy Corbyn reviews the new Eichmann Movie

(photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today we look at the newly released film “Operation Finale“, the sad tale of a rogue nation taking so-called justice into its own hands. This movie recounts the story of Israel’s illegal and extra-judicial kidnapping of Adolph Eichmann from Argentina, a lovely country that is also home to the Malvina Islands. Apparently, Mr. Eichmann had some sort of role in the Holocaust. Now let me say clearly that the Holocaust was a tragedy (although truth be told some of my friends in Hamas whom I have hosted for tea would agree to disagree. Also, they would have put quote marks around the word “Holocaust.”) Yet Israel’s all-too-familiar use of force was to compound a tragedy with a tragedy, much like America’s illegal execution of one Mr. Bin Laden (Real World Non-Satire Alert: He Really Really said this about the death of Bin-Laden). Truly, if Mr. Eichmann were in fact guilty of a crime, why not simply notify the nearest Argentinian constabulary?

The movie depicts the commendable efforts Mr. Eichmann had made to open himself up to other cultures, to include learning the local language, and adopting the lovely Spanish name of “Ricardo Klement.” And in a singular act of proletarian solidarity, he took the bus to work every day. Yet Mr. Eichmann’s earnest attempts at multiculturalism failed to impress the Mossad, which took upon itself the task of kidnapping him and trundling him off to “Israel” for trial. And if being kidnapped by the Mossad wasn’t unpleasant enough already, Eichmann then had to fly on EL AL..

Israel then tried and executed Eichmann, another sad tally on its list of victims. Just to add insult to injury, Israel then spread his ashes in the sea, precluding any future graveside memorials, like the wreath that I specifically did NOT lay at the grave of Black September activists.

Now you may scoff at my review. You may even accuse me of willful ignorance. Yet remember this: it’s still not as dumb as what Hannah Arendt wrote about the Eichmann trial.

“So it wasn’t a Gardening Allotment?” Corbyn explains Terrorist Cemetery visit

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/13/2018 at 4:45 PM

London, Islington: UK Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn is speaking out forcefully after getting totally busted allegations surfaced that he attended a cemetery memorial service in Tunisia for the Black September terrorists who murdered 11 Israelis athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympic games.

“It looked for all the world like a Gardening Allotment, not unlike my very own patch of lettuce, radishes, and endive right here in Islington.” Mr. Corby explained at his local cafe as he busied himself with a red pen, striking through various sections of the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance’s working definition of Anti-Semitism. “Although it was a bit odd that their allotment had little more than grass and flowers. And a lot of stones with writing on them. Aren’t different cultures simply fascinating?

While taking Mr. Corbyn at his word, The Daily Freier asked Jezz just why he would attend any kind of event with Black September members, but he was adamant that the whole thing was just a giant misunderstanding. “Black September? That sounds like one of the lesser-known Bank Holidays. Or a weekend festival in Cornwall. Or possibly a Folk Music Trio from the East Midlands.” Jeremy stared into space for a moment and then wondered out loud,  “How is it that this strange series of unfortunate events keep occurring around me?

The Daily Freier wanted to talk to Mr. Corbyn a bit more about his political beliefs, but he politely begged off, explaining “I simply MUST get to work on my response to tomorrow’s Labour Party Anti-Semitism scandal.

EDITORS NOTE: While this is satire, it is actually somehow less implausible than his actual excuse.

 

 

Corbyn invites Jewish Community to a Reconciliation Dinner on 18 September

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/5/2018 at 10:15 PM

London, Islington: Gardening allotment aficionado/Iranian TV Personality/British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn has decided once and for all to find a way forward with the United Kingdom’s Jewish Community and has thus planned an elaborate reconciliation dinner for the evening of Tuesday September 18th. The Daily Freier caught up with Mr. Corbyn as he was weeding his radishes on the allotment, and he shared his vision with the Daily Freier.

I am really hoping to put this whole unpleasantness behind us, as I outlined in the message I sent to the Jewish Community on Friday night. But I got to thinking: Why not break bread together, much like I’ve done with my friends in Hamas? And what better night to meet up than Mid-Week in Early Autumn, perhaps Tuesday 18 September after Sundown? We could invite everyone: Ken, Diane, George, maybe even old Roger Waters!”

When the Daily Freier asked Jezz if he had run this idea by any actual Jews, he was quick to point out that Jewish Voice for Labour thought it was “a splendid idea.

As we wished Jeremy good luck, he asked for our opinion on whether to serve cheeseburgers or scallops.

Jeremy Corbyn recounts the story of Passover

It is the time of year where we pause to commemorate the campaign of War Crimes and Dispossession against the Ancient Egyptian People that some refer to as “Passover.” Now many years ago, a group of Rootless Cosmopolitans known as the “Israelites” decamped to the Nile Delta, a region that my friends in the Muslim Brotherhood say is quite lovely. At first the Egyptians showed the traditional generous hospitality that I can only hope to emulate when I have the precious opportunity to offer Raed Salah tea on the House of Commons Terrace.

Yet in a scenario that would not surprise any of the members of my secret Facebook group, this gang of “Israelites” acquired an unseemly amount of power and influence over their Host Nation. This disturbing turn of events rightly frightened Egypt’s respected Pharaoh, a man I would consider a friend. Seeking to make Ancient Egypt “For the Many, Not the Jew Few”, Pharaoh chose to engage the Israelites in a constructive dialogue which included a rigorous regimen of outdoor exercise and civic improvement, a scenario that gardening allotment enthusiasts like myself would find rather refreshing indeed.

Yet despite Pharaoh’s very wise plan of action, the Israelites continued to prove a nuisance to a comprehensive Middle East peace. Therefore, Pharaoh attempted a different course of action concerning the male children of the Israelites that at first seems a bit brash, but was deemed moderate by my friends in Hamas. But once again to the surprise of nobody, the Israelites found clever loopholes to flout the legal edicts of Pharaoh’s Government. And sadly but not surprisingly, the Israelites were able to manipulate members of Egyptian society, to include Pharaoh’s well-meaning but naive daughter, who rescued the future Zionist War Criminal known as “Moses”.

This “Moses” character was offered the very best of Egyptian hospitality, yet chose to repay his hosts by murdering a somewhat zealous Union Shop Steward in the midst of reprimanding a wayward Israelite employee. The criminal fugitive then fled into the desert where he had some sort of psychedelic hallucination concerning a burning plant, upon which he got the daft impression that he was to lead a criminal work stoppage against Pharaoh. Moses then set about subjecting the Egyptian people to an escalating cascade of War Crimes that are sadly reminiscent of current events in Occupied Palestine today.

Finally, Pharaoh chose to simply wash his hands of this troublesome lot, and generously offered the Israelites a military escort to the Red Sea. Moses promptly drowned the Egyptian soldiers, showing once again a level of perfidy matched only by the Netanyahu Regime.

To add insult to injury, this War Crime is still celebrated today in a holiday involving bland crackers, excessive drinking, and children extorting their parents for cash. Now I don’t know what exactly goes into this “matzoh”, but some of my friends in the Labour Party have some very interesting theories on this subject indeed.

(Editor’s Note: first published this story on the Times of Israel in 2018)

Labour MP angry she wasn’t invited into Corbyn’s secret anti-Jewish Facebook group

 By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/13/2018 at 6:00 PM

Camden, London: Today a very irate Labour Activist is demanding to know why she wasn’t invited to join Jeremy Corbyn’s secret Anti-Semitic Facebook Group “Palestine Live”. An  investigation by David Collier uncovered that the Secret Facebook Group “trafficked in anti-Semitic conspiracy theories, posted articles by Neo-Nazis, denied Israel’s right to exist, and called pro-Israel Jews “Zio-Nazis.” The group included Holocaust Denier Paul Eisen, as well as “the Jew who was too Anti-Semitic for the BDS Movement” Gilad Atzmon. And in a revelation that shocked people who still believe in the Tooth Fairy, the head of Breaking the Silence was also a member of the group…..Well rest assured, Labour Member of Parliament Danielle Lynne-Stephens is quite upset and wants to know why she never received an invite. The Daily Freier stopped by Momentum Headquarters in London to meet up with MP Lynne-Stephens  and have a little chat.

I really didn’t want to ‘Go There’, but I can’t help but think there is a bit of sexism in the BDS Community. Honestly, sometimes it feels like the Anti-Israel Left has a Glass Ceiling. I mean, how else to explain why I wasn’t asked to join Palestine Live? I’ve paid my dues. The mob that attacked the Israeli Club at King’s College? I was there……I own 12 keffiyehs….. The Women’s Boat to Gaza? I was First Mate. I mean, until we got lost.….

Danielle went on to explain just how unfair her exclusion from the group was. “How many times do I need to talk about the Rothschilds before I get an invite? And the sad part is, I could have really helped them with the quality of their memes……Like, they passed around pictures of hook-nosed Jews with demonic eyes? Big Deal. For a month my profile picture was a giant octopus with a big nose and a Star of David!”I’m sorry, but my obsessive hatred of Israel takes a back seat to nobody in that group. Posting articles by David Duke? Hellooooo? David Duke once posted an article written by me!….Saying that 9/11 was an Israeli False-Flag operation? Please. I’ve been saying it since the days of dial-up Internet.

It just isn’t fair.” Danielle continued. “How many times do I have to use the word “Zio” before I start getting the respect I deserve? And don’t tell me Corbyn didn’t know I wasn’t in the group. He commented and ‘Liked’ posts all the time! I’m tempted to take a walk over to Jeremy’s gardening allotment and give him a piece of my mind.

For his part, Mr. Corbyn says he denounces anti-Semitism in all its forms and has launched a committee to look into any wrong-doing by Labour MP’s. The Committee will be led by Ken Livingstone, Jackie Walker, and George Galloway.

Opposing the Zionist land-grab known as “Tu B’Shevat”, by Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn's Tu B'ShevatThis week we observe another sad anniversary of displacement and dispossession in Historic Palestine: The Zionist Land-Grab masquerading as Environmentalism known as “Tu B’Shevat“. This so-called “Birthday of the Trees” is sadly little more than another attempt by the Zionists to create “Facts on the Ground“, or more specifically “In the Ground“. While some Zionists attempt to portray the scheme as a sort of Poor Man’s Earth Day, it is rather little more than a Naqba with a green facade. Additionally, Israeli school children are encouraged to plant trees, once again contributing to the gradual marginalization of the Palestinian people from their land, tree by planted tree.

Furthermore, On Tu B’Shevat it is customary to have a “Seder“, where the Israelis commit mass amounts of cultural appropriation by displaying and then eating various indigenous Palestinian fruit and nuts. To add insult to injury, the debacle gains a festive air as attendees consume four glasses of wine.

But all is not lost. The outspoken Palestinian activists known as “Hamas“, whom I count among my friends, have their own ecological beliefs. Something about helpful trees and rocks that talk. And in this parable, perhaps we can strive to find a solution to the current impasse. A Solution that is indeed rather Final, if you will. Quite Fascinating, to tell the truth. Quite Fascinating.

Jeremy Corbyn recounts the story of Chanukah

The Story of Chanukah by Jeremy CorbynAs we enter the Holiday Season, once again we are reminded of a truly shameful episode in history: the Celebration of Zionist violence and dispossession known as “Chanukah”. Approximately 2200 years ago in Historic Palestine, the Jewish people were fortunate enough to fall under the wise leadership of Syria, a nation whose current leader I consider a friend and which I have visited in the spirit of bonhomie and brotherhood. Syria was then ruled by a most dynamic and motivated man, King Antiochus Epiphanes. Now Antiochus was a rather forward-thinking leader who encouraged the Jews to engage in physical exercise at the well-appointed leisure centres known locally as “Gymnasiums”. The tradition at the time was to exercise naked, which may strike some as unorthodox, but not anyone who has ever visited me in my Gardening Allotment during Mid-Summer. Additionally, Antiochus did his best to encourage the Jews to participate in group activities within the Syrian polity, but again and again he was rudely rebuffed. They even declined to take part in the Community Pig Roast and Pot-Luck that Antiochus sponsored at their Temple.

Just when Antiochus seemed to be making serious headway in terms of showing the Jewish Community a path toward peace, a gang of Likudniks known as the “Maccabees” began agitating and detracting from the shared sense of community in Palestine. The clique’s leader, one Judah Maccabee, felt compelled to attack his Syrian neighbors, a trend that sadly continues to this day. And in an incident that really should be brought to the attention of the RSPCA, the Maccabees engaged in wanton cruelty toward the Syrians’ pet elephants. Finally, despite the noble resistance of the Syrians, they were expelled from Palestine by the Maccabee war machine.

Then the Maccabees returned to the Temple and proceeded to undo all of the improvements made by Mr. Antiochus. Tellingly, they first sought fuel to light their lamps, sadly marking this as just another War for Oil. Today, this unfortunate episode in the Struggle of the Dispossessed is celebrated with such crass spectacle as unhealthy fried foods, doughnuts filled with empty calories, and encouraging children to gamble. Stay tuned next month when I decry the Imperialistic Land Grab known as “Tu B’Shvat”.

 

No, I’m serious. Just what must I do to get kicked out of Labour?

No I’m serious. Just what do I have to do to get kicked out of Labour?By Jeremy Corbyn, MP

May 30, 2017

Finsbury Park: So far 2017 has been a rather trying year for me. The Islington People’s-Socialist-Fair-Trade-Third-World-Food Co-Op has been quite simply in an uproar since last month’s “Venezuelan Quinoa Incident“. The Food Co-Op’s whatsapp group has become veritable torture for me. To be honest, I am quite the Luddite, so I only took an iPhone under duress because Party Leadership said I needed to be “more accessible” when I go on my morning walkabouts in the Heath. And it is not only the Quinoa Incident that they debate endlessly in the chat group. Of course there is the NGO “Palestinian Lesbian Anarchists against the Wall” that wants to sell their wares in our shop. So far so good, but what is their position on Climate Change?  And the NHS? And manspreading?

Then there is my bicycle, which continues to break at the most inopportune moments, like when I was on my way to the Marwan Barghouti Benefit Concert in Tower Hamlets last week. Of course, one would be remiss without mentioning my garden allotment. Ms. Bannister insists that it was my kale crop that introduced the weevils that seem poised to make quite a snack of her corn crop. Incidentally, a certain Mr. Goldstein continues to illegally occupy encroach upon my radishes with his rather arcane crop of chick peas and red peppers. So you can see, Mr. Corbyn’s  (very vegan) plate is rather full. I am burning the (vegetable oil) candle at both ends. Jezz needs a break.

With all of my responsibilities, I simply do not have time for all of the nonsense in Parliament. “Votes“.  “NATO”. “Protecting the citizens of the United Kingdom“. Therefore, for the past several months I have done everything in my power to get myself removed from office so that I may return to focusing on the important things, like the problematic gear shift on my Schwinn. And the sorry state of my lettuce crop. And improving my attendance for the Yoga Classes at the Leisure Centre. But it appears to be all for naught. I have tried everything.

So visiting Syria as the guest of Bashar Assad was not enough? How about if my travel-mate was Jenny Tonge? How about that I attended a wreath laying ceremony for the lead architect of the 1972 Munich Olympics….misunderstanding? Then I refused to apologize for inviting the Irish Republican Army for tea at the height of their 1980’s bombing campaign. For goodness sake, I blamed the Manchester attack on British Foreign Policy

Now it appears that even if Labour loses next month’s election, I still won’t be allowed to step down. I am simply at my wit’s end. Once again…. Just what must I do to get kicked out of Labour?

ISIS and the West: moving past the name-calling, by Jeremy Corbyn

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

What I am about to say may cause some discomfort, but perhaps it is time that we move beyond the Neo-Thatcherite/Neo-Blairite visions of the world and find a new approach. Today the West finds itself once again mixed up in a war in the Middle East, and once again we are hearing the name calling of our so-called enemies. Words like “fascist”, “murderous”, and “evil”. But I used those words just last week to describe proposed changes to the NHS. So perhaps it is time to step back, take a deep breath and try to understand “The Other”.  To work toward a more even-handed vision.

Again, the usual suspects continue to use quite slanderous words about ISIS. Yet right here in London, we can witness genuine outreach on their part, with the very real example of Anjem Choudary, who has made sincere efforts to work with the Progressive Community by defending a Labour MP when she got slightly ahead of herself and suggested that Israel should be dismantled and the Jews shipped off to the United States. In fact, one can even compare ISIS to Israel, which I have been known to do in the past.

So today I stand before you as a proud member of the Progressive Left and say: It is time for us to look at ISIS objectively and see it for what it truly is. A community that is ethnically diverse, dissatisfied with the status quo, critical of Western Imperialism, and clearly motivated enough to take direct action.  They embrace the philosophy of Said Qutb. But so do many people whom I count among my friends. They are fond of their beards, as am I. They have some serious problems with a certain group of people clustered along the Levant and the London Northern Line. As do I.

And to those of you who think this speech is crazy and something I can’t possibly have really said, please think long and hard and ask yourself: If Jeremy Corbyn said this would I actually be shocked?