By Mark Levy
Last Updated 7/30/2018 at 2:50 PM
Tel Aviv, The Old North: A disillusioned recent immigrant to Israel is now attributing his entire decision-matrix to stay here on the return of KFC to Israel next March. American Oleh Hadash Zachary F. has not had an easy time in Israel so far. Apart from getting paid $10 an hour for a job that required a college degree, Zachary has also gotten screwed by various cab drivers, gotten lost in the cavernous Dizengoff Center Mall, endured a tragic breakup with a French Olah, gotten trapped in an elevator, and endured the ridicule of his building superintendent for having crappy Hebrew skills. But Zachary still holds out hope, and is currently clinging to KFC’s planned March 2019 opening in Be’er Sheva as the moment his luck will turn around. “If I can just hold out until March, everything will be better. Regular, Extra Crispy, a giant bucket of tenders. Life will just be…better.“
Reactions in the Olim community were mixed, with many mocking Zachary’s optimism. “Really?” mused an Ulpan classmate of Zachary’s named Rachel or Sarah. “He’s staying here for a KFC. What a Loser……OMG OMG I need to go, the new Burger King on Ibn Gavriol closes in 10 minutes and I haven’t been there in 3 days!”
But Zachary remains undeterred. “This could really make my Aliyah experience work out. I mean, I may even move to Be’er Sheva just to be closer to KFC! I could even do the Nefesh B’ Nefesh ‘Go South’ program! Or get a job in Tech!”
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 7/28/2018 at 1:15 PM
The Sea of Tranquility: The Moon has pleaded for UN intervention after it was slapped with harsh sanctions by Donald Trump for its failure to show over North America.
Visible across most of the world apart from the Western Hemisphere, the longest lunar eclipse did not turn red over Washington…. but Mr. Trump did, tweeting: “There’ll be NO more manned NASA flights, no investment in Crescent Moon Towers and I’m pulling the Ambassador. I’ll give them Star Wars.”
After this Close Encounter of The Trump Kind, the Moon told the UN: “This is blatant discrimination with no sanctions imposed on other orbiting Celestial Bodies.”
But Donald hit back: “I’ve had enough of solar systems taking advantage of America for too long and jobs going to extraterrestrials. It started years ago with Saturn running rings around us. Then we found out that Pluto isn’t even a real planet. Well, enough. I won’t change my (Nep)tune or be made to look like Ur anus. #MAGA!”
Bonnie Tyler could not be reached for comment.
The Daily Freier is proud to announce our new spin-off site for American news, The Heat Grates! Follow them here!
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 7/21/2018 at 2:50 PM
Wichita Falls, Texas: A terminally ill teen had his dreams come true when celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay paid a surprise to his home and harshly criticized his cooking skills for a full 45 minutes. Bobby Holliman has been cooking since kindergarten, so when he received news that he had six months to live, his parents contacted the Make-A-Wish Foundation and said Bobby’s lifelong dream was to have Mr. Ramsay trash his signature dish of fish tacos in person. Gordon and his production company showed up at Bobby’s North Texas home this morning and immediately started peppering him with questions.
“Bloody hell, you’re using store-bought tacos shells aren’t you?” demanded Mr. Ramsay as Bobby smiled and his parents looked on with joy. “Do you even know how to make your own tacos shells? And don’t you lie to me or I will walk out the bloody door right now.”
“I’ve been watching his shows since I was a kid.” explained Bobby. “So when he interrogated me about the marinade while angrily waving a bottle of white wine vinegar in the air….. I just felt so special.”
Even Bobby’s mom Kathy enjoyed the spotlight today. “After 10 minutes, Gordon started searching my house and found my second freezer in the garage. Then he yelled at me to come over and demanded to know how long the vegetable stock had been in the freezer. I mean, this made a magical day that much more amazing.”
As the visit came to a close, Mr. Ramsay presented Bobby with a spice rack and a signed copy of his new book and then told him to go back to the kitchen and clean the f—ing cutting board with some f—ing soap before he gives his whole f—ing family a case of f—ing salmonella.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 7/19/2018 at 4:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: A relieved nation cheered last night after a team of Thai divers rescued the last of 12 youth who went missing last week in Dizengoff Center, the Central Tel Aviv mall notorious for its random and confusing floor plan. Apparently, the children had set out on an excursion with their youth summer camp last Wednesday and gotten lost somewhere between that part of the mall with all the candle shops and stoner artwork and that hallway with the tattoo parlor. When their camp counselor set out to get help using the Dizengoff Center Navigation App, he became hopelessly lost on the ground floor near that ethnic food fair in the open area by the elevators, and had to survive on Druze pizza for the last 6 days. But The Daily Freier wanted to learn the story of the students’ dramatic rescue, so we attended the news conference outside the Mall’s King George Street entrance (no, not the entrance near the stairway to the McDonald’s. The other entrance. Near the mattress shop, OK?)
Police Spokesperson Yonatan C. addressed the assembled press. “We would like to thank the efforts of our Thai friends. Their unique skills as cave divers allowed them to navigate the twisting tunnels, hallways that ramp up or down for no reason, and stairways that don’t lead anywhere.” Yonatan then brought one of the hero divers up to the podium. “Our line of work is very dangerous.” explained Thai Navy Petty Officer Anurak S. “It is very easy to become disoriented. Up becomes Down, left becomes right. An inexperienced person can panic and lose all sense of reality. And that’s not counting the dangers of that part of the mall near the elephant butt playground.”
When the Daily Freier asked the police if they had found Zachary the tourist who went missing in Dizengoff Center back in 2015, they changed the subject.
[Editor’s Note: We kinda like Sarah Palin. But we’re also glad she’s now doing Reality TV instead of Elected Office. Plus, this was too funny not to use.]
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 7/18/2018 at 4:30 PM
New York: Scholars from Columbia University’s prestigious Linguistics Department have come up with a bold discovery: that “Ocasio-Cortes” is Spanish for “Sarah Palin“. The Daily Freier attended a Press Conference held by the Department Chair, Professor Nigel Tufnel.
“This is truly groundbreaking.” Professor Tufnel explained. “It’s like a Unified Theory or Something. I mean, now we understand how somebody could believe that the low Unemployment Rate was because ‘everyone was working two jobs.’ We’re in awe.”
The Daily Freier reached out to Congressional Candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes for her feelings on this important research into her surname. “These findings are biased and false, like lipstick on a pit bull.” admonished Ms. Ocasio-Cortes. “I want to refudiate it. Also, I’m not an expert at Geopolitics, but I can see the East River from my house.”
(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 7/18/2018 at 1:50 PM
Tel Aviv: OMG this Tama-38 thing is incredible! So this is how it works: A contractor moves all the people in your building into a different apartment for a year or two, knocks down the building, and rebuilds it! You come home to a modern apartment! The contractor builds two additional floors and gets to sell 4 flats. You get an apartment with parking, less mold, and a real kitchen! The city increases the supply of available housing. Everyone’s a winner! Only in Israel!
I mean, it’s really Too easy! We just have to get the 12 Jews who own the apartments here to agree on a multi-year complex financial agreement! What could go wrong? I mean we just have to get together the guy on the first floor who feeds the cats along with the family on the third floor who hates that he feeds cats. And the guy who does his daily motorcycle maintenance in front of your building. Also the family with the mysterious Sephardic cooking smells. And the crazy lady from the ground floor who left her gas on all weekend once.
Let’s not be pessimistic. We’re Jewish, we can do this! It’s just like in synagogue when we agreed to change the time of morning Minyan to…. wait a second, actually we got in a huge fight and half the guys aren’t speaking to the other half anymore…. OK OK…. we’re a miracle in the Desert! We can make this work just like they do in the Knesset! But we are definitely going to get this done. Maybe just to speed things up we could bring in Efficiency Experts from the Misrad HaPnim!
So when is it going to happen? Oh I don’t know, what’s the weather like in Gehinnom this week? Cold? Ha Ha! Just a joke! Actually, you can expect an invite to our renovated flat’s housewarming just in time for the Hanin Zoabi/Matisyahu reggae duet!
But definitely before Moschiach!
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 7/17/2018 at 7:50 PM
Gaza: Southern Israel breathed a little easier today after a Hamas bird fitted with explosives abandoned his suicide mission to Israel and flew home instead (And yes, Hamas arson birds is apparently a thing now). The Arson Bird, named Fuad, spoke with the Daily Freier from his nest near Gaza City.
“I chickened out.” admitted Fuad. “When the Hamas bigshots sold me on becoming a Shahid bird, it all sounded great. A lifetime in paradise eating birdseed and screwing 72 females. I mean, where do I sign up, right?”
Fuad went on to explain his change of heart. “It all seemed a bit final, you know? I want to experience life. And there are so many opportunities out there. I mean, my cousin Eddie was a spy falcon for the Mossad…. now he’s in Breaking the Silence I guess.”
As the Daily Freier ended the interview, Fuad claimed he had no regrets. “I am so happy to be home. Besides, who wants to die in Ashkelon?“