Category: Labour Party

Corbyn Hires Bianca Jagger as Social Media Director

Corbyn Hires Bianca Jagger as Social Media Director Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/13/2016 at 11:20 AM

London: Noted rock star ex-wife and activist Bianca Jagger got into a bit of a pickle yesterday when she inadvertently (we think!) tweeted out a list of British Members of Parliament who had voted for the Iraq War. The list, helpfully compiled by the White Nationalist site Metapedia, included such pertinent information as the race, sexual orientation (with details!), and sometimes even the religion (We’ll give you three guesses which religion they singled out, and the first two guesses don’t count) of individual MP’s. But it’s all good because she tweeted at 4 AM and forgot to like read the link and stuff. 

Yet out of Crisis comes Opportunity. Upon seeing Ms. Jagger in action, Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn reached out to her and offered her the position of Social Media Director.  Labour Spokesperson Liam C. explained. “With Mr. Corbyn, the strategy is all about keeping his opponents off-balance as they try to figure out if he’s malicious, obtuse, or just inept.  And Ms. Jagger’s tweet certainly demonstrated that she has what it takes to join our team.”

Bianca, who is a reminder of just how much blow they must have done at Studio 54 in the 1970’s President and Chief Executive of the Bianca Jagger Human Rights Foundation, promised to hit the ground running.  “I am very excited to join Mr. Corbyn’s team as we work toward true equality for all.” Ms. Jagger then sought to put to rest any lingering doubts from yesterday’s tweet. “Along with Labour, I stand four-square against any form of racism. Today’s inadvertent tweet certainly does not represent my true feelings. And neither will the next inadvertent tweet……Or the one after that.

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The Entebbe Raid as recounted by Jeremy Corbyn

The BBC remembers the Entebbe Raid, narrated by Jeremy Corbyn Daily Freier

Forty years ago, an ad-hoc troupe of Palestinian activists and Germans with a passion for Social Justice staged a direct-action work stoppage, temporarily disrupting and re-routing scheduled air transportation from  Occupied Yafa Tel Aviv to Paris. This protest was not unlike how some of our more boisterous Trade Unionists might temporarily shut down the Bakerloo Line in an attempt to draw attention to the cutbacks enacted by today’s Neo-Thatcherite Government under Mr. Cameron.

The activists then took the passengers on an impromptu excursion to Uganda where they were hosted by a man I considered a friend, Idi Amin. Mr. Amin, who was in the midst of taking his country on a somewhat accelerated course toward true equality (with the unfortunate side effect of several hundred thousand deaths and the expulsion of the Indian minority), proved a gracious host. In order to better achieve a sense of Solidarity, the activists grouped the passengers into “working groups“, to include “Jews and Israelis” and “Everyone Else“. In order to better focus the Collective toward the goal of reducing Palestinian incarceration rates, “Everyone Else” was sent home, allowing for a true emphasis on the interaction between the Social Justice activists and the “Jews and Israelis“.

Mr. Amin received his guests with the traditional hospitality that he was known for, and allowed everyone to camp out at the Entebbe Airport, not unlike the Occupy protests around St. Paul’s Cathedral in 2011, but somehow not as filthy. Unfortunately, for reasons not entirely known, Israel did not appreciate the gesture and planned to disrupt Mr. Amin’s Conclave.  Instead of meeting with the Activists in the spirit of constructive dialogue, Israel went down a path that is all too familiar to those of us who care for Justice. The Israelis chose to violate the laws of an African State through an act of piracy. Incidentally, the man in charge was named “Netanyahu“. There are so many things that one could say about this gross violation of sovereignty, but I feel one must focus on the quite frankly racist Israeli action of disguising one of their soldiers as Mr. Amin.

Once again, Israel chose to go down the path of violence, missing a genuine opportunity to dialogue with those with whom it has disagreements. My friends in Hamas and Hezbollah could tell you more about this subject. If you will excuse me, I need to go. A MOMENTUM activist at a Labour Press Conference is about to harangue a female Jewish Labour MP until she leaves the room in tears and I need to be on hand in order to do nothing to help her.

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“I can’t believe Corbyn would say that” said by Nobody after yesterday’s Corbyn speech

"How much do I hate the Zios? This much!"

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/1/2016 at 1:40 PM

London: Reaction was mixed after yesterday’s Labour Party Press Conference on Anti-Semitism where Jeremy Corbyn compared Israel to ISIS, with his supporters and detractors divided as to Mr. Corbyn’s true intent with the remarks.  The Daily Freier put on its peasant hat, messenger bag, and corduroy blazer and interviewed attendees as they departed the Labour/MOMENTUM Press Conference.

(We guest-wrote this today for IsraellyCool! Read the entire story here!)

 

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Ken Livingstone discovers Jewish roots, takes name “Ken Ben Zona”

Ken Livingstone Ben Zona(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 6/21/2016 at 4:00 PM

London: Former Mayor of London Ken Livingstone took time out of his busy schedule of claiming that Hitler was a Zionist to discover that he may very well be Jewish. “Greville Janner used to drive me home from the House of Commons at night. We would chat away about the Middle East. He would speculate about whether or not I was Jewish because my grandmother’s name was Zona.” (Reader Alert! He really really said this! He also said that some of his best friends are Jewish!)

Mr. Livingstone continued to describe his mystical journey. “I felt that the best way to honor my heritage would be to bestow myself a Jewish name. Henceforth, you can address me as Ken Ben Zona!

The UK’s Jewish Community responded wholeheartedly to the news. Local businessman Darren B. was very excited.  “The next time somebody accuses Mr. Livingstone of being against the Jews, I’m going to tell them that Ken’s not an Anti-Semite, he’s a Ben Zona!

In order to get a Legalistic view of this exciting development, the Daily Freier traveled to Golders Green and spoke to Rabbi Chaim L., who explained that since Judaism has a matrilineal tradition, “Ken’s been Ben Zona the whole time, even if he only discovered this now!

In a follow-up phone interview, Mr. Livingstone took the time to patiently explain that he was not in fact a Time Traveling Android sent from the future to destroy the Labour Party through farce.

 

A.D. 2040: Tories send Androids through Time to destroy Labour

A.D. 2050: Tories send Androids through Time to destroy Labour

(Photo Credit: Getty)

By The Pan-Earth Daily Freier Conglomerate Staff 

Last Updated 4/30/2040 at 300 Solar Hours

Edgeware Spaceport: Leaked reports from today’s Conservative Party Conference point to a sinister plot to destroy its rivals: create a team of unpleasant and obtuse androids, send them through a Black Hole to the Earth Year 2016, program them to infiltrate the Labour Party, and destroy the Party from within by making it an international laughingstock.

Prime Minister Beckham held a news conference where he denounced these plans; “We fully and forcefully denounce this treacherous  attempt to preemptively destroy the Coalition by ensuring that it never existed. We denounce the creation of the Corbynborg, designed to seek out unsavoury Hezbollah and Hamas “friends” for tea. We stand fully against the Gallowayback Machine, allegedly programmed to annoy even its friends while it dresses as a cat. And we deplore the planned RedKen 2000, and its obsession with a certain Austrian Corporal from the mid-20th Century.”

The Conservative Party for its part denied all charges, with MP Styles pushing back at the accusations. “These charges are ridiculous on their face.  No serious Party would let itself get taken over by such a group of clowns, no matter how sophisticated you programmed them.  This is simply another fantasy invented by the Prime Minister and Lord Mayor Russel Brand.”

 

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Labour Councillor explains Hitler tweets: “I thought I was working at UNRWA”

Untitled

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/12/2016 at 11:40 AM

Luton, United Kingdom: Recently sacked Labour Councillor Ayşegül Gürbüz held a brief Press Conference this morning explaining to the nation exactly why she had sent out a bunch of not-very-nice tweets praising Hitler and wishing for Iran to destroy Israel: She thought that she was actually working for the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine (UNRWA).

Ms. Gürbüz, who in fine sibling tradition had previously blamed her sister for the tweets, initially planned on telling the public that a canine had devoured her schoolwork.    Yet at the Press Conference she admitted the truth. “I thought I was working for UNRWA.  This was truly an honest mistake. I mean, if I thought I worked in an office environment where you could get fired for bashing Zios inappropriate remarks about the Jewish people, I would have been more circumspect. I mean, UNRWA doesn’t fire ANYONE!

When asked about her future plans, Ms. Gürbüz noted that she may go into game design before Labour quietly rehires her some time around August or September.

Corbyn ‘Concerned’ by tomorrow’s Anti-Semitic Tweet From Labour Councillor

Steve Punter :Corbis

(Photo Credit: Steve Punter/Corbis)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/10/2016 at 11:50 AM

London: Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn expressed his concern following tomorrow’s tweet from a Labour Party Councillor alleging that the Joooz secretly run the banks from a secret enclave in the Swiss Alps.  Labour, which lately appears to strive to be the “Socialism” in “The Socialism of Fools“, was taken very much off guard by tomorrow’s tweet, as this type of thing simply does not happen in Labour.

The Councilor who will send the tweet, from Luton or Birmingham or maybe Manchester, is now “under investigation” and will be expelled from the Party the day after tomorrow, after which he or she will quietly be re-admitted some time around August.

In other news, members of Labour’s Environment and Ecology Committee have proposed a tree-saving initiative in which instead of a full-page statement, the Party will denounce future anti-Semitic tweets with a terse “Please see our last statement on this subject.

Mr. Corbyn for his part stressed that tomorrow’s tweet will be an isolated incident. “I am extremely concerned with tomorrow’s tweet. However, I must state that tomorrow’s tweet is not part of any pattern of anti-Semitism within the Party.  And neither was the previous incident.  Nor the incident before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that.”

 

 

 

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