Tel Aviv: In the greatest change to Judaism in centuries, Israel has added an extra Yom Kippur. Yet it’s reserved specifically for scooter riders, because they suck their actions have posed a unique challenge to 21st Century Israeli society. Specifically: how does one repent for anti-social behavior if a single Yom Kippur is not enough? The Daily Freier walked over to the Tel Aviv Rabbanut to get all of the facts.
We were greeted in the Lobby by Yossi, the Rabbanut’s Director of Community Outreach. We asked him exactly what prompted this drastic action. “The rise of the scooter has affected us all.” he explained. “Bird, Lime, whatever. Remember when electric bicycles were the most annoying vehicle on the sidewalk? Good Times.”
The Daily Freier asked Yossi just how the Rabbanut could possibly change the Jewish calendar. “Why not?” he replied. “We have 3 Election Days this year. What’s an extra Kol Nidre?” Yossi thumbed through the Gemara looking for a specific passage. “This extra Yom Kippur…. it is a chance for you to repent for being such a… how do I say this without committing Lashon Hara?….. for being such a sociopathic ass.”
The Daily Freier challenged Yossi, noting that anti-social behavior takes many forms. “You raise a compelling point.” Yossi replied, as he pulled another book from the shelf. “Next year, bzrat HaShem, ‘Extra Yom Kippur’ will also apply to people who play matkot on the beach.”
In the spirit of diversity, Daily Freier will also be accepting repentance from those of you who park on the sidewalk.
Jerusalem: This week The Times of Israel reported a mini-scandal rocking the nation: the Ministry of Absorption created make-believe Olim for their Social Media Campaigns. That’s right, the Ministry in charge of immigration had a hard time finding actual….. immigrants. Which is weird, because we’re not shy about sharing things. Such as how much better the Banking was in our country, how the country isn’t doing enough for us, and how we’d already be multi-trillionaires if we hadn’t made Aliyah. So it’s not like it would be hard to find us, seeing how Extra we can be when it comes to complaining. But apparently the Absorption Ministry wanted Olim who wouldn’t spend the whole article whining about the lack of Ziploc bags and a real Apple Store, and instead wanted something more positive. C’mon that’s nuts, right? Yet it was just these incredibly suspicious positive attitudes that first alerted the Olim Community to this shady enterprise. The Daily Freier set out to ask our fellow immigrants of the exact moment that they detected the Government’s Fake Online Olim.
“So I was reading this one profile about a guy, and it said he had a real job.” explained an Olah Hadasha named Jess. “Major Red Flag, right? So I tried to CyberStalk him and I couldn’t find any history of him getting banned from Keep Olim. That’s when I called BS. Also, none of them had ever begged me to bring a bag of their winter clothes back on my next flight from New York.”
“When the Olah from Britain said she had more than two Israeli friends? Oh Please.” scoffed a recent immigrant named Tali. “It’s just so obvious. I mean, she never even mentioned the time she tried to sell a futon on Secret Tel Aviv and got a bunch of really sketchy DM’s from Israeli guys. Plus, her name wasn’t Rachel or Sarah.”
“There was just so much lying.” complained David from Boston. “The Lone Soldier who talked about buying furniture at IKEA? They should have started small, maybe with a Lone Soldier who doesn’t mooch your groceries.”
UPDATE: The Daily Freier wants the Big Money Machers at Misrad HaKlita to know that for the right price, we will create convincingly fake Aliyah Blogs that will fool the most cynical Olim. We know how to do this. Trust us.
Jerusalem: “I wish they’d stop calling me ‘giveret’… and stop wishing me ‘b’sha’ah tova’ already!“ yelled secular, unmarried Jerusalem resident Olga R. “It happens every winter.” she explained. “When it gets cold, I wear a warm hat and a big cozy sweater and suddenly they think I’m one of “them”… you know, those religious women who are always pregnant. I would correct them, but then I’d have to give up my seat on the bus.”
As winter weather settles over Israel, secular Israelis find themselves in the uncomfortable situation of being mistaken for their religious brethren. The Daily Freier sat down with a few of these misunderstood souls. “It was freezing cold, so I wore a long skirt with thick tights.” Yaffa explained. “So, this cute religious guy starts chatting me up and asks me if I want to go to a hotel with him. I agreed, but when we got there, he just wanted to sit in the lobby and drink a Coke Zero. Worst. Hookup. Ever ….even worse than that Tinder guy who took my old couch.”
Yossi G. recalled an incident on the fast train to Tel Aviv. “It was raining, so I was wearing a hat and long black raincoat and reading a vintage Hebrew poetry book when this creepy yeshiva bachur sits down beside me. He said ‘You really look like you know how to shteig. What sugya are you into? I’m looking for a chavrusa.’ I though it was a gay pickup line.”
“These religious people are so superficial… they just judge people by external stuff… it’s disgusting.” Yossi complained as Yaffa and Olga agreed. Just then, Yaffa realized that her phone battery had died and asked Yossi to use his phone. “I left it in the car.” he said. Later, as Yaffa was leaving, Yossi confided to the Daily Freier that he had lied about leaving his phone in the car “I have an iPhone X, I didn’t want her to see it and think I’m a nerd. I’m getting my iPhone 11 delivered next week.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.