Month: March 2019

Only in Israel

Controversial Israeli Tour Guide does not wear an Absurd Hat

(No Tour Guides Were harmed in the writing of this story)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/29/2019 at 11:30 PM

Ein Gedi, Israel: Israel’s tourism industry took a disturbing turn this week when word spread that a local tour guide does not wear a completely ridiculous hat. You see, tour guide school lasts longer than some marriages…. so being a licensed guide here is kind of big deal. Consequently, when the tour guide community discovered that Israeli guide Danny C. was leading tours without either a fake Indiana Jones hat, a crocodile Dundee cowboy hat, a pith helmet, a hat that he stole from an ANZAC cavalry officer, nor one of those French Legionnaire hats with the dork flaps on the sides…..well, the reaction was not pretty. The Daily Freier talked with numerous irate tour guides to get their opinions.

“Wait, no stupid hat?” wondered Jerusalem guide Hillel K. as he led a procession of Filipino Christians through the Old City while wearing a Soviet fur cap. “How do they even know he’s a guide?  I mean, does he even walk around in some sort of complex shawl/poncho?”

“So this guy thinks he can just wander around Eretz Yisrael without a ridiculous hat?” griped a guide named Yossi as he washed his socks behind a gas station near Hadera. “I bet he also owns pants that don’t have cargo pockets.” Yossi continued to criticize Danny’s lack of a hat for about five minutes before abruptly walking away. “Please Excuse me. I need to go tell that total stranger over there that he looks dehydrated and needs to keep drinking water until his pee is clear.“

The Daily Freier then stopped by the Israeli Ministry of Tourism to find out just what they plan to do about this rogue employee. A woman named Smadar talked to us on her cigarette break. “When the Ministry found out that Danny was not wearing a ridiculous hat, we levied a 5,000 Shekel fine against him and placed him on probation.” Smadar took another drag off her cigarette and continued. “The only reason he hasn’t been decertified is that he still complies with our rule that all guides own more scarves than Stevie Nicks.”

EPILOGUE: As the story went to print, Danny was seen purchasing the most worthless piece of headgear ever invented: the beret.

Israelis Abroad, Terrorism

Iranian spies posing as Israelis busted in Argentina after testing negative for Ecstasy

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/27/2019 at 5:30 PM

Buenos Aires: When news broke last week that Argentine authorities had apprehended a pair of Iranians traveling on Israeli passports, the news at first focused on the fact that the Hebrew in the forgeries was so hilariously bad that they could be spotted by an Anglo Oleh. Yet according to published reports, the amateur quality of the passports was not the reason for their arrest. Rather, alert Argentine law enforcement officers became suspicious after the suspects displayed behaviors that did not add up to their cover story of being Israeli tourists. And when a subsequent drug test of the suspects proved negative for Ecstasy and cannabis, Argentine authorities detained the pair.  The Daily Freier traveled to Buenos Aires to get all the facts.

“When they said they weren’t on their way to an illegal rave in a national park or archeological site, that was when I first became suspicious.” explained Lieutenant Esteban C., an officer with the Argentina Border and Customs Department. “Then I asked ‘Netanel’ where he worked and he mentioned a real job and not some sort of ridiculous start-up. Also, at no point did ‘Rivka’ try to get me to sublet her Tel Aviv apartment during Eurovision.”

With Lieutenant Esteban’s suspicions raised, authorities contacted the hostel the pair had stayed at, and learned of even more strange behavior. The hostel manager, a British expat named Richard, explained his suspicions. “So the bloke claimed to be a certified scuba instructor.” explained Richard. “Yet when these two really pretty Norwegian birds asked him to teach them how to dive, he refused and claimed that he was really busy. But that’s not all. After they checked out, we searched their room and none of the towels were missing.”

Argentine authorities then forced the pair to take a drug test, with both testing negative for Ecstasy, Cannabis, and Bamba. Subsequent calls to the Iranian Mission to the United Nations in New York asking them if they planned to keep writing Daily Freier stories for us went unanswered.

 

 

WOKE

HaShem: I created IfNotNow to show the World that Jews can also be Idiots

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/16/2019 at 11:45 AM

Gan Eden: Today HaShem/G-d/The One Who Created the Universe shared news that was both shocking and kinda made sense: that (Preferred Pronoun) created IfNotNow in order to convince the Gentiles that Jews are also capable of being complete idiots. You see, IfNotNow is the Woke Jewish Left’s answer to a question that none of us really asked. Or a secret plan to make Jewish Voice for Peace seem a bit less nuts. Anyhoo, IfNotNow has created a new generation of Woke Jewish Leadership that has bravely called out such “Pro-Occupation, Pro-Kahanist” Israelis as….ummm….Sarah Tuttle-Singer. So in order to hear all about this first-hand, The Daily Freier spoke with HaShem today via Skype from somewhere in the South Pacific where Shabbat has already ended.

“The problem is that I’ve created some amazing ones: Einstein, RGB, Sandy Koufax, Golda, Maimonides.” explained HaShem as (don’t forget to add a pronoun here) lazily worked on a new species of marsupials. “Heck even my goofy concepts like Rabbi Shmuley or Geraldo Rivera…. at the end of the day they’re still basically smart, level-headed people. So I needed a creation that says to the world ‘Hey: Jews aren’t so special. They can also be complete simpletons who are so Woke that they get mad at Israel for attacking Hamas without mentioning that Hamas just fired missiles out of the blue at Tel Aviv.’ Know what I’m saying?” [Editors Note: The missile alert also forced the author of this piece to have awkward conversations in the hallway with that neighbor downstairs who we never see for months at a time.]

The Daily Freier then asked the Tetragrammaton when (Concept that exists outside the limits of Time and Space. But with Masculine and Feminine Aspects) first came up with the concept of a clique of Woke Jewish Dorks with their own Twitter handle. “Well at first it was just a side project a few years back while I was tinkering with a new strain of romaine lettuce. But then I remembered that in the Talmud it says ‘And there shall be an Army of kids who went to NYU and are still mad at their parents/therapists. And verily I shall find the most Basic ones from among them to be their leaders’….OK OK I never really said that. But I could have if I wanted to. So there, I just said it. Write that down. Baruch Hashem!…..Wait….Can I say that? Is that a bit cocky?”

The Daily Freier asked Adonai if it’s checked IfNotNow’s Twitter feed lately, so the YudHeyVavHey  scrolled through (whatever possessive pronoun offends you the least) iPhone. “Wow…..just wow….OK that’s really dumb. Maybe I should have just brought back mastodons. Everybody loves mastodons.”

As Hashem left to prepare the world for the week to come, the Daily Freier asked what lay ahead in the future for IfNotNow. “Who knows, maybe they will move to Israel after their Woke “Allies” inevitably turn on them some time in the year Two Thousand and…..”. Then our Skype call got disconnected.

 

"The Squad", The Jooz

Pelosi restricts Ilhan Omar to just one anti-Jewish tweet per week

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/9/2019 at 6:05 PM

Washington: In an unexpectedly decisive move, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi yesterday restricted  Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Minnesota) to just one anti-Jewish tweet per week. Congresswoman Omar’s Twitter history includes such Greatest Hits as ‘Israel hypnotized the world’, that support for Israel in Congress was “all about The Benjamins“, and (just this week!) that American Jews have dual-loyalty.  All of this drama has given the Democrats a bit of a rough week, and Pelosi decided bold action was in order. Speaker Pelosi’s spokesperson Drew Hammill explained the new policy at a noontime press conference. “Today Speaker Pelosi laid down the law: Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is henceforth to write no more than one anti-Jewish tweet or Facebook post in any 7-day period, whether or not Congress is in session.”

Reaction in the pundit-sphere was quite positive, with noted “As-a-Jew” Peter Beinart expressing his relief. “This masterstroke by Pelosi means that I can put a solid 5 days into my explanatory think-piece for the Atlantic on why Ilhan Omar’s next anti-Jewish outburst is not nearly as bad as that time Trump called a reporter fat. I think you’re going to see a noted increase in the quality of my excuses for Woke Left Wing Anti-Semitism. As a Jew I feel this is important.”

For her part, Congresswoman Omar was quite conciliatory and understanding of Speaker Pelosi’s new directive. “At first I wanted at least two or three, depending on whether I had a chance to meet up with Linda that week or not. But Nancy Jewed me down was very adamant on this point, so I agreed. What can I say? I’m a team player. I mean, until 2020. Wait, did I just say that? Never mind that last part.”

The Daily Freier tried to contact Senate Minority Leader/noted champion of the Jewish people Chuck Schumer for a comment, but he was busy not doing shit while Woke anti-Semites were Corbynizing his party.