Month: November 2015

Tel Aviv Man Concerned Girlfriend Only Staying With Him For His Dishwasher

dishwasher

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 11/12/2015 at 11:20 AM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: North Tel Aviv resident Avi C. has some serious concerns.  His girlfriend of four months, Tamar R. is pretty and smart and relatively easygoing.  And Avi is beginning to suspect that the only reason he’s still around is that his apartment is equipped with a luxury item: a working dishwasher. “I know I must sound crazy. But I feel that she’s only keeping me around because of my dishwasher.  And get this….She already has 3 dinner parties for all of her couples friends planned out through the end of January at my place. I’m losing my mind.

When the Daily Freier tried to reason with Avi, he read  us a text he received from Tamar. “Hey Avi!  Wanted to bring some of my dishes over. I was thinking that tonight we could do Netflix, use the dishwasher and chill”   Avi then shrugged his shoulders and threw his hands in the air.I mean what the hell does Netflix dishwasher and chill even mean?

In order to form a balanced picture, The Daily Freier spoke with Tamar about this troubling development. “Oh that’s just Avi, he’s being silly. He knows what he means to me.  It’s just that his kitchen is just so much better laid out.  With the granite counter, the kitchen island, and the dishwasher, there’s just so much potential and I really see a lot of good things in the future……with Avi I mean.  Good things in the future with Avi.

When the Daily Freier last saw Avi, he was composing a post on Secret Tel Aviv asking for advice on this same topic “for a friend”.

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Hanukkah Miracle as Abbas Begins 11th Year of His 4-Year Presidency

This Joke is Now 3 Years Old!
Abbas Airlines(We originally published on the Times of Israel in 2015, but miraculously Abbas is still the President 3 years later. Happy 14th Anniversary Abu Mazen!)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/29/2015 at 1:20 PM

 

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Wix Kinda Annoyed About Losing its BDS Clients

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 11/25/2015 at 5:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Namal: Multiple Pro-Israel bloggers have begun publicizing the fact that Anti-Israel activists such as Max Blumenthal, Code Pink, and Students for Justice in Palestine are using the Israeli Platform Wix for their websites.  And Wix is getting a bit annoyed…. at the Pro-Israel Activists!   Wix Spokesperson Noam D. addressed the media at a Press Conference today at their Namal Port location.

So yeah. Jewsnews? Israellycool? Daily Freier?  You just publicly mocked clients of ours.  Paying. Clients.  I know this seems weird to some of you bloggers, but some of us on the Internet actually, like, make money and stuff.”

Noam was asked if she had a message for the Internet’s Israel Advocacy community. “Do I have a message for the Hasbarah Jamboree? Yeah sure I do……Hey guys, STFU!”

When asked for her personal opinion on the BDS organizations using the Wix platform, Noam replied, “Whatever. It’s not like we’re selling FOREX.”

 

Israel’s Total Lack of Involvement in Current Turkish-Russian Crisis is Leaving Average Israelis With a Sense of Confusion and Bewilderment

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(Photo Credit: express.co.uk)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 11/25/2015 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv:  Israelis in the street are reacting to Turkey’s shoot-down of a Russian jet over Syria with a sense of fear and confusion.  But not because they had anything to do with it.  Rather, the presence of a military and diplomatic showdown in the neighborhood where nobody mentions Israel is leading to cases of cognitive dissonance and vertigo as the Israeli man and woman on the street tries to wrap their collective heads around this concept.  The Daily Freier walked up and down Dizengoff Street this morning interviewing aimless and befuddled Israelis on this critical topic.

It just doesn’t make sense. This has NOTHING TO DO WITH US!” noted a perplexed Natan R. as he scratched his head. “I know it sounds crazy, but I bought Haaretz this morning hoping that the editorial would say it was actually all our fault.

I couldn’t sleep last night” explained a despondent Yonatan G. “I stayed up all night flipping through the foreign satellite channels hoping Al Jazeera or RU TV would have a good angle on why Israel is responsible. But nothing.  And the Americans have been no help either. Is it too much to ask that John Kerry insinuates that this was somehow caused by the Occupation???”

I’m actually optimistic.” noted alert local Ronit S.  “I just know I can count on someone from our Ministry of Foreign Affairs to somehow interject themselves into this crisis in a way that antagonizes Turkey, Russia, or…. B’zrat Hashem….both!

 

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GUEST WRITER WEDNESDAY PRESENTS: “Hamas Got Talent”!

Talent

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/25/2015 at 11:20 AM

Gaza City:  TV ratings when through the roof this Saturday, literally, as Simon Cowell made his much-anticipated debut as a judge on ‘Hamas Got Talent.’ More than 20 million tuned in across the Arab world, averting their eyes when Cowell entered stage right, wearing his extremely high-waisted and tight trousers, accompanied by a scantily clad Nicole Sherzinger, from the Pussycat Dolls.

There was much outrage in Israel last month when the multi-billion dollar franchise was extended to the Gaza Strip and auditions began in a UN school to find the next superstar from the tiny, long-suffering enclave.

“It is absolutely appalling how the Palestinians have applied to be part of this worldwide showbiz extravaganza,” cried Israeli PM Bibi Netanyahu. “Watching teenagers juggle grenades live on stage in a high school is only going to end in tears. And, frankly, we could do without the blame. I’d rather see them in the United Nations,” he added.

A nervous looking Cowell, who was born to a Jewish father, was treated to a line up of Abu Mazen ventriloquists, a somersaulting Hitler Youth urban dance act, a magician who stormed a tunnel with explosives, grenades and an AK-47, only to come out the other side, smiling and disembowelled, next to 72 glamorous virgins. Even Nicole Sherzinger clapped. Mahmood El Mahmood, a sweet boy with a stutter came out and blew the audience away, well after his father had, with his version of Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man.’ Cowell pressed the golden buzzer, Mahmood went through to the finals in Ramallah and the roof exploded.

But the real drama was reserved for Fatima Al Boom Shak-a-Lak, whose father disowned her when she dropped out of bomb-making and swastika classes to take up singing in her bedroom. Dressed in a sultry ankle-length black number, and a balaclava, she dedicated her mash-up of Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake it Off’ and Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ to him but her ashamed father chopped his own head off in the gents toilets during the commercial break.

Al Jazeera, which broadcast the show, called the show a hit, as did the BBC, which led with the headline “Palestinians sing and dance through their pain after Israeli rocket targets TV studio. The next episode airs Sunday at 9pm Israel time, 2pm Central.

 

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Conspiracy Nut has a theory About ISIS that does not involve The Jews

conspiracy nutBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/24/2015 at 11:00 AM

Grand Forks, North Dakota: Part-time copyright researcher and full-time conspiracy theorist Bobby Holloman has some decidedly unorthodox ideas.  He has proof that the 1969 Lunar Landing was filmed in the back of a Stuckey’s Restaurant off of Interstate 40 near Amarillo.  He refuses to do business in paper currency, but rather barters for his needs using gold dust.  And don’t get him started on 9/11.  But perhaps his wackiest conspiracy theory to date involves  the Terror State of ISIS.  Bobby has a theory for their  origins and funding that does not involve the Pope, the Illuminati, the Federal Reserve, Queen Elizabeth, and most of all, the Joooooz.  The Daily Freier had the opportunity to speak with Bobby at his compound on the North Dakota prairie this week.

Quick, come in and close the door behind you!  You only have seconds to spare!” implored Bobby as he ushered us into his home while scanning the sky for drones. “You want some water?  I drilled my own well! No fluoride for me!”

As we sat down in his living room, Bobby explained his theory on the origins of ISIS. “OK, this is going to sound crazy, but let me lay it out for you:  I believe that a combination of Saudi Arabia exporting Wahhabi ideology for a generation, oil money from corrupt Gulf States, veteran Jihadists of Al Qaeda’s wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Chechnya…..plus a confused Western Civilization led by a man who thinks Climate Change is its greatest threat– these factors combined to create the conditions for ISIS.”

When the Daily Freier challenged him on his wacky theory, Bobby elaborated. “Of course, Bashar Assad and Hezbollah can take some credit for killing peaceful Syrian protesters in 2011 instead of negotiating with a frustrated Sunni majority. And of course Iran was pulling Bashar’s strings…….then there’s the West’s Progressive Left that seems to hate its own civilization more than it hates ISIS…..of course Al Jazeera should take a bow for beaming Islamist propaganda into millions of homes for 20 years…..I mean, call me crazy but let’s connect the dots.”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Bobby asked us if we wanted to get on his mailing list because he was about to publish a manifesto explaining exactly how the Kardashians became famous.

 

 

Knesset Votes to Draft Haredi, Just as Soon as Tel Aviv’s New Central Bus Station is Completed

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(Photo Credit: Getty Images)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/23/2015 at 11:20 PM

Jerusalem:  The Knesset agreed today to begin the conscription of Haredi men, just as soon as the government gets around to knocking down Tel Aviv’s current Central Bus Station, raises the money for a new one, finds a contractor, gets all the necessary permits, and builds the new Central Bus Station.  Reaction throughout the country was mixed, as leaders of  the Yesh Atid and Yisrael Beiteinu Parties complained that Prime Minister Netanyahu went back on one of his promises.  Likud Spokesperson Yonatan F. addressed this point today at a press conference.  “This so-called ‘campaign promise’ raised by Mr. Lieberman and Mr. Bennett should really be viewed like a bowl of hummus in the refrigerator. You know,  It’s got an expiration date.  You can trust it for about a week.  Then….. not so much.” 

The Knesset today was a heated back and forth, as various possible milestones for Haredi conscription were suggested, to include “Just as soon as Abbas holds another Election”, “Just as Soon as Starbucks comes back to Israel”, and ” Right after the Post Office Clears All the Packages It’s Holding at Ben Gurion”.  Likud Spokesperson Yonatan F. explained the logic;  “It’s like walking and chewing gum.  You really don’t want to do too many things at once.”

In a spirit of reconciliation, United Torah Judaism Spokesperson Shmuel C. stated that his party was ready to compromise. “We understand that some members of Knesset are not happy with the agreement drafted today. So we are also ready to accept a draft as soon as the temperature in Gehinnom reaches zero degrees centigrade for a sufficient time period to promote the formation of a layer of ice crystals.

There’s a Hot New Dating Site For Jews Who Don’t Really Like Most Other Jews

JDateStreet.png(Photo Credit: Our Legal Department says this does not resemble anything at all)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/12/2015 at 11:20 AM

Washington:  The Jewish Community is abuzz over the launch of a new dating site for Jews who are uncomfortable with Israel, dislike most Israelis, can’t stand the Congregation they grew up in, hate Birthright, don’t get along with anyone in their Hillel……OK OK…. it’s a dating site for Jews who don’t really like most other Jews they meet. The site, titled “J-Date Street” was launched with grants from Billionaire George Soros, the Center for American Progress, and the New Israel Fund.  And certain segments of the Jewish community are VERY excited.

OMG This is amazing!” noted Amanda K., a content writer at Jewish Voices for Peace.  “I met this guy through the site who seems really nice.  His avatar on the site is ‘Blumen to the Maxx’. He says he’s from a prominent Washington family too!  We have a date tomorrow night in Georgetown!  The only weird thing is he told me to bring a kaffiyyeh, Shabbat candles, and a jar of hummus….. ‘for later on that night’.  I don’t know….is that normal?

Despite this enthusiasm, the site is running into some problems reaching its target audiences.  The Daily Freier talked to a spokesperson at Code Pink by telephone, who refused to provide a name, as this would be “an exercise in gender-identity exclusionary hegemony, reminiscent of the Zionist tactics of denying historical memory“. As the Daily Freier tried to wrap its head around that last sentence, the Spokesperson acknowledged that it would actually be nice to “meet someone new” as the writers over at Mondoweiss “just spend all day sipping cocoa in their pajamas”

Yesterday the site expanded to Israel, causing  the Blog +972 to miss several publication deadlines as their editorial staff and writers ceased all work related activity for the day and crashed their server when everyone uploaded their dating profiles at once.

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After Zoabi’s Kristallnacht Speech in Amsterdam, Nasrallah Hoping For an Invite to Yom HaShoah Next Year

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(Photo Credit: The Times of Israel)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/9/2015 at 6:20 PM

Amsterdam, The Netherlands: After controversial MK Hanin Zoabi’s (Joint List) speech at an Amsterdam Kristallnacht commemoration, Hezbullah Leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah feels that “the time is ripe” for him to address next year’s Yom HaShoah commemoration in that city. “Hanin, my sister in the struggle with the Zionist Entity, just did an amazing job.  The way she took a commemoration of a Nazi pogrom against Jews and turned it into an anti-Israel screed….amazing.  But I think this is just the beginning.  Maybe  if my Iranian handlers say that it’s cool, I can make it up to Amsterdam next year for Yom HaShoah. To commemorate the Holocaust. You know, if it really happened.”  When asked what a man who promised to hunt down Jews worldwide  would have to say about the Holocaust, Nasrallah noted; “Well I was thinking of saying that Israel created ISIS.  But if that’s not a good fit then my Brother Mahmoud Abbas knows a few things on this subject.”  As for Ms. Zoabi, while she enjoyed the event commemorating the Nazis’ systematic destruction of German Jewry, she was disappointed in that she thought it would be more of an instructional “how-to” event.

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