Month: December 2017

Peter Beinart builds giant Virtue Signal that can reach Outer Space

BPeter Beinart's Sanctimonitor Virtue Signaly Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2017 at 5:00 PM

New York City: Noted progressive critic of Israel and Haaretz contributor Peter Beinart is awfully proud of his humility. Yet even a man as low-key as Peter is about his virtues sometimes needs to let the rest of us know just how awesomely #WOKE he is. So Peter set about building a gigantic Virtue Signal on the roof of his local Food Co-Op. Dubbed the “Sanctimonitor“, this edifice is the first Virtue Signal whose beams can reach past the Earth’s atmosphere into the reaches of Outer Space. Peter explained.

Today the people of Earth are slowly being acclimated to how virtuous I am. But what about Aliens? Will Extra Terrestrial Life be sufficiently educated to know that I somehow was able to string enough words together to compare the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to the #MeToo Movement? [EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes. He Really Did This.] As a Jew I feel this is important.

In the process of fact-checking this story, the Daily Freier contacted NASA, who confirmed that the Mars Rover is now regularly receiving Beinart’s articles from the Forward, and that the Voyager II Space Probe just received some of his Tweets supporting Obama’s Iran Deal.

The Daily Freier asked Peter if there were further steps he planned with the Sanctimonitor Virtue Signal.

We are living in very scary times. Trump, Bibi, Kid Rock. And as a Jew I don’t feel safe. So as a Jew I decided that what everyone needs is an Emergency Virtue Signaling beacon. It fits on your key chain and is intended for situations where you don’t feel sufficiently safe: maybe you are next to a Trump Voter, or a gun owner, or a NASCAR fan, or a Jew who doesn’t believe that Obama was very good for Israel. As a Jew I feel that this would be a very frightening proposition. So as a Jew I built this emergency beacon that will project your virtue to anyone within a 50 foot radius. As a Jew I believe that this will help heal the nation.

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Beinart if he always adds the phrase “As a Jew I”  to the beginning of  his sentences, or just when it’s necessary to project his virtue.

As a Jew I don’t believe I have to answer that question.”




Choose your favorite Daily Freier story of 2017!

Folks, 2017 was a good year for the Daily Freier. Like, mamash good. So many stories. So very many stories. But which one is your favorite? Questions, Questions. So here is your chance to impose your own opinions on everybody else! Read, re-read, and commit to memory our Top Ten stories of 2017 hyperlinked below, then choose your favorite in the poll that follows. So here they are, in no particular order. Winners will be appear next week as a #TBT. Choose Wisely, Freiers!



1) Aspiring Reform Rabbi dropped from HUC after he fails guitar class

2) Build your own Sarah Tuttle-Singer article!

3) Air Force One accidentally enters Israeli Independence Day Flyover

5) Hey Dad? Next Yom Kippur can I fast “Marwan Barghouti style”? (Israellycool)

6) Tel Aviv women compare the city’s bus lines to their ex-boyfriends

7) Dystopian Novel depicts a nightmare future Israel run by Anglo Olim

8) ‘I’m Okay!’…Roger Waters reassures fans after Gaza Tunnel collapse (Times of Israel)

9) The Daily Freier Movie: American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 Years



In honor of Embassy move, Israeli town of Hofit renames itself “Covfefe”

(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/27/2017 at 8:00 PM

Hofif Covfefe: The town elders of this hamlet in Central Israel are very excited after Donald Trump’s recent decision to move the American Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. And now they want to do something to show just how much gratitude they have for the Donald. Therefore, as of 1 January 2018, the town of Hofit will heretofore be referred to as “Covfefe“. The Daily Freier set out to visit Hofit, so we took the train to Netanya in hopes of taking a bus from there. But since we don’t speak French, we couldn’t understand what anyone was saying and we missed the bus to Hofit and had to hitchhike. But we eventually got there and interviewed “the man (and woman!) on the street”.

We just wanted to show President Trump how much we appreciated his courage.” explained City Manager Yoni C. “And what better way to honor Mr. Trump than to name our little town after that word he accidentally invented on Twitter last Spring.

While Yoni was optimistic about the change, some residents had their reservations. Local Rabbi Avi T. explained. “First of all, nobody knows what Covfefe actually is. So we don’t actually know if there is a special Bracha that might be necessary. Secondly, we still aren’t positive how it’s spelled in Hebrew. With a Kuf or a Kaf? This might sound silly, but there are serious Gematric implications for this.

As the Daily Freier got ready to leave, the guys from Egged were already changing the name on the Bus Stop.


“Is she Shomre Negiyah or does she just think you’re gross?” A guide for the perplexed

The Daily Freier explores Judaism(Photo Credit: The Cornelia Foundation)

By Chava Ewa and Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 12/21/2017 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv: It’s the question that so many men are asking today: Is she Shomer Negiya or does she just not want to touch me?” Avi G., an office worker from Givatayim is unwilling to admit that Roni, his new co-worker is simply ‘not into him’.  At all. “She must be some sort of religious fanatic who won’t touch men.” lamented Avi. “I mean, why else would she refuse to give me a hug?

The Daily Freier sat down with Roni at Cafe Aroma for a nice girl chat, and she admitted that although she isn’t actually religious, a bit of Yiddishkeit is actually a good reason to avoid awkward social interactions with creepy male co-workers. “Avi is loud and tells bad jokes and his cologne smells like the inside of Tel Aviv’s central bus station.” she said “He kept inviting me for coffee, but he stopped since I told him that all the coffee shops around here have a bad hecscher. He tries to hug me, so I told him that shomer negiyah is very important to me.” Roni, who now goes by her new Hebrew name “Neshama Emunah Temima“, admits that pretending to be religious has lots of other perks. “I told my boss that I needed the day off for the fast of Asara b’Teves and he agreed…. I don’t think he even knows what the fast of Asara b’Teves is, but you know, it sounds plausible and hey… it’s a day off!

In addition to the workplace, Roni’s status as a sort-ofbaalat teshuva has proven invaluable in other spheres of life as well. “My roommate just got back from India and thinks that she’s a curry expert now… So pretending to keep Kosher is the nicest way to avoid eating her garbage kitchen experiments.” she explained. 

Yet this new life did not come easy. “I took the bus to Jerusalem so I could to meet up with my frum American cousin Esty who is spending the year doing Sem. And I just followed her around for the day so I could copy what she wears and a few key phrases. Now I just pepper my conversation with phrases like Shidduchim, Refuah shelaima…. and a bunch of other things she showed me on A Sem Girl Says!

Epilogue: Roni‘s co-workers have been very supportive of her new religious identity, although Fabricio, a former model and recent Oleh from Spain “with the really cute accent” was disappointed. “She seemed like a fun girl and I wanted to ask her out to the new bracelet bar. But you know…. I think she’s too religious. So instead I went with Maygal the Freicha office temp from Ashdod.

Dear Daily Freier: “Bigly Taglit Woke” Edition

Dear Daily Freier!Welcome to yet another edition of the Dear Daily Freier advice column! An outlet that has already allowed YOU the reader to gain needed advice about such pressing subjects as the Israeli bus system, relationships, and pétanque! So without further ado, here are the answers you did not want to the questions you already regret asking!

Dear Daily Freier,

Hi, so I went on Birthright last month and it was A-MA-ZING. But here’s the thing. The soldier on our bus? Danny? From Hadera? Well when we were down at that big crater in the desert….Mizpe Ramon? Well Danny and I (“may have”) wandered off for the night together. I mean, he was so romantic! He even wrote me a poem! In English and Hebrew! But the thing is, later on the trip I’m pretty sure he also “wandered off” with that girl from LA who pretends to be spiritual but is actually just an idiot. Also the girl who went to Amherst. And maybe the girl from Texas with Israeli cousins. And just now I saw on Facebook that Jess from Seattle posted a poem of his. So anyway, I skyped Danny and confronted him about it, and all of a sudden it’s like he forgot how to speak English. He was just mixing up random words in Hebrew and English and I think Spanish. Anyway, what’s the deal? I mean, is he really a romantic or did he just want to hook up with all the girls on the trip?

“Alyssa from Rockland”
Yes & Yes.
Dear Daily Freier,

OK, So I just graduated from NYU. And I’m Jewish. But not Jewish-Jewish. Honestly, I’m not too big on the Temple I grew up in anymore. Or Trump. Or Israel. Because my Intersectional Feminism Professor said that Israel is bad. Like really bad. Anyway, I’m looking for career advice and wondering if you can help me. Like, if you were a Jew who disliked Israel, most Israelis, and also about half of American Jews…. what career field would you go into?

“Woke in Connecticut”
Have you thought of becoming a Professor of Judaic Studies at any given University?
Dear Daily Freier,

So suppose you are an amazing leader. A great leader, Very great. The Best. And let’s say you just did something Very Big for a country in the Middle East. With a lot of Jews in it. Nobody loves the Jews like I do. I have the best Jewish grandchildren. Just the best. So again, let’s say you just did something very big for the Jews there. And the Jews in Israel? They Love it. “It’s the Best.” All of them told me that. And Bibi? Great guy. Great, great guy……..But then there’s the Jews in America….. Some of them say thank you. But, gotta admit, some of the others? Not so thankful. No gratitude. Sad. Very Sad. Anyway, I think I lost my train of thought. But do you know what I’m saying?
Have a question for the Daily Freier? Send it to
Do you want it answered promptly? Then you may want to hit up this site first.

Iran Names its Newest Ballistic Missile in Honor of Ben Rhodes

Tehran- The Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps was giddy with anticipation today as they waited for Iran’s Supreme Leader to unveil their newest weapon system to the public. As crowds waited at the bi-weekly “Death to America/Death to Israel Military Parade and Children’s Puppet Show”, the Ayatollah Khameini removed a giant tarp to reveal Iran’s newest missile: the “Ben Rhodes”. Named in honor of the most clever former aspiring novelist to ever serve as a National Security Advisor to Barack Obama, the “Ben Rhodes” is an impressive weapon indeed. The Ayatollah Khameini explained the reasoning behind the name to the press.

(The Freier is on Israellycool today. Check us out!)


Jeremy Corbyn recounts the story of Chanukah

The Story of Chanukah by Jeremy CorbynAs we enter the Holiday Season, once again we are reminded of a truly shameful episode in history: the Celebration of Zionist violence and dispossession known as “Chanukah”. Approximately 2200 years ago in Historic Palestine, the Jewish people were fortunate enough to fall under the wise leadership of Syria, a nation whose current leader I consider a friend and which I have visited in the spirit of bonhomie and brotherhood. Syria was then ruled by a most dynamic and motivated man, King Antiochus Epiphanes. Now Antiochus was a rather forward-thinking leader who encouraged the Jews to engage in physical exercise at the well-appointed leisure centres known locally as “Gymnasiums”. The tradition at the time was to exercise naked, which may strike some as unorthodox, but not anyone who has ever visited me in my Gardening Allotment during Mid-Summer. Additionally, Antiochus did his best to encourage the Jews to participate in group activities within the Syrian polity, but again and again he was rudely rebuffed. They even declined to take part in the Community Pig Roast and Pot-Luck that Antiochus sponsored at their Temple.

Just when Antiochus seemed to be making serious headway in terms of showing the Jewish Community a path toward peace, a gang of Likudniks known as the “Maccabees” began agitating and detracting from the shared sense of community in Palestine. The clique’s leader, one Judah Maccabee, felt compelled to attack his Syrian neighbors, a trend that sadly continues to this day. And in an incident that really should be brought to the attention of the RSPCA, the Maccabees engaged in wanton cruelty toward the Syrians’ pet elephants. Finally, despite the noble resistance of the Syrians, they were expelled from Palestine by the Maccabee war machine.

Then the Maccabees returned to the Temple and proceeded to undo all of the improvements made by Mr. Antiochus. Tellingly, they first sought fuel to light their lamps, sadly marking this as just another War for Oil. Today, this unfortunate episode in the Struggle of the Dispossessed is celebrated with such crass spectacle as unhealthy fried foods, doughnuts filled with empty calories, and encouraging children to gamble. Stay tuned next month when I decry the Imperialistic Land Grab known as “Tu B’Shvat”.