Wichita Falls, Texas: A terminally ill teen had his dreams come true when celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay paid a surprise to his home and harshly criticized his cooking skills for a full 45 minutes. Bobby Holliman has been cooking since kindergarten, so when he received news that he had six months to live, his parents contacted the Make-A-Wish Foundation and said Bobby’s lifelong dream was to have Mr. Ramsay trash his signature dish of fish tacos in person. Gordon and his production company showed up at Bobby’s North Texas home this morning and immediately started peppering him with questions.
“Bloody hell, you’re using store-bought tacos shells aren’t you?” demanded Mr. Ramsay as Bobby smiled and his parents looked on with joy. “Do you even know how to make your own tacos shells? And don’t you lie to me or I will walk out the bloody door right now.”
“I’ve been watching his shows since I was a kid.” explained Bobby. “So when he interrogated me about the marinade while angrily waving a bottle of white wine vinegar in the air….. I just felt so special.”
Even Bobby’s mom Kathy enjoyed the spotlight today. “After 10 minutes, Gordon started searching my house and found my second freezer in the garage. Then he yelled at me to come over and demanded to know how long the vegetable stock had been in the freezer. I mean, this made a magical day that much more amazing.”
As the visit came to a close, Mr. Ramsay presented Bobby with a spice rack and a signed copy of his new book and then told him to go back to the kitchen and clean the f—ing cutting board with some f—ing soap before he gives his whole f—ing family a case of f—ing salmonella.
Tel Aviv, Bialik Square: With the Passover holiday only days away and preparations in full swing, Tel Aviv police executed a pre-dawn extraction operation, moving the giant carp that lives in the pool on Bialik Street to a place up in Ramat Aviv an undisclosed location. The move, dubbed “Operation EYN GEFILTE” serves to protect the well-being of a prominent citizen of Central Tel Aviv, Yoel the giant carp. The Daily Freier spoke with Yoel by Skype as he adjusted to his new circumstances.
Yoel explained his predicament. “I really like my neighborhood. The old city hall is gorgeously backlit at night. And the jasmine flowers in the summer time smell amazing. But right about now, things just aren’t OK. I’m starting to get a lot of unwanted attention. This Russian speaking lady comes by every day with her grandson. And the grandson really likes it and sometimes throws bread in, which is great. I mean, no complaints. But lately, the portions have gotten suspiciously bigger. And soaked in chicken fat. Also, yesterday as I snatched the breadcrumbs, she held a measuring stick up to me and then held it up against a metal 4 liter pot. And get this….the whole time, she never broke eye contact with me and never stopped smiling.”
Despite Yoel’s willingness to speak to the media about his fears, key questions remained unanswered. When asked the secret to how he was able to get so big, Yoel suddenly got very quiet. Also, we noticed that none of the other fish seemed to want to pass near him.
Tel Aviv, Sourasky Medical Center: A local man suffered a brush with death yesterday, but fortunately lived to tell about it. Afshin, an Israeli of Persian heritage who grew up in Los Angeles, was rushed to the hospital after performing several minutes of housework that went horribly wrong. Afshin explained his personal trauma to the Daily Freier in the Ichilov Hospital cafeteria while taking a break from the constant procession of random cousins who stopped in to make sure he was OK and had enough to eat.
“So I was staying at my Aunt and Uncle’s house in Givatayim. And everyone was out of the house shopping I guess. And I was hungry. I sat in the living room for like an hour and no food showed up. So I decided to go into that mysterious room that my mom, aunts, grandmother, and sisters go to when they bring out food. I think it’s called…..the……the………”
The Daily Freier interjected. “The ‘kitchen’?”
“Yeah, that’s it. ‘The kitchen.’ Anyway, I went to ‘the kitchen’ to find some food. I couldn’t find much. Just six chelo kebabs, chopped salad, hummus, some soup, pita, olives, and a bowl of couscous. You know, a snack…. So when I was finished I decided that, what the heck, I would like ‘wash‘ the ‘dishes‘ I used.” Afshin paused and stared out the window into the distance. “Yeah. I know, I know. What the hell was I thinking?”
Afshin continued to describe the dramatic events. “So I run the glass under really hot water. To make it clean. But I guess glass doesn’t like to be under really hot water sometimes. And it like exploded. So my hands are all cut up. I ran outside and managed to get a taxi to the hospital…… And here I am.”
The Daily Freier asked Afshin if he learned any lessons from his personal journey. “Yeah. I am NEVER EVER going in the kitchen ever again. Like….EVER.“
Tel Aviv, Ibn Gabirol: Ever since you moved into the studio apartment the pigeons have been a nightmare. They wake you up every morning at 04:50 AM. They hang out on the window sills and poop everywhere. They even got into the old ventilation shaft and built a nest in the building. And they’re so cocky. They don’t even fly away when you walk by.
This is a health hazard. You complained to your landlord, and he told you that nobody else has ever complained before and that maybe you are doing something to attract them. It was so bad you almost moved out. So you asked for advice on Secret Tel Aviv and received ten “Welcome to Israel” messages, three “Go back to North America” messages, and a really sketchy private message.
But then suddenly things got better! Not nearly as loud. A lot less poop. And it’s getting better every day! Like there’s less and less of them or something.
Also, this really nice Moroccan family moved into the vacant apartment upstairs. They really take care of you too! Twice last week they invited you over for dinner. The chicken and rice was A-MA-ZING. Really lean. Kinda like the free range birds you used to get from Trader Joe’s. You asked the mom if she got it at the Shouk or Supersel and she just smiled and told you that you needed to talk less and eat more if you ever want to not be so skinny.
And every evening the grandfather carries this thing that’s like a net up to the roof. It also has these copper weights around the edges. He says it’s to stop evil spirits from coming into the house at night. How amazing is that? It’s like extra protection.
So when you left the house this morning, the two pigeons standing outside scattered when they saw you. Like they’re a bit scared now or something.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.