Month: May 2016

Eurovision descends into farce after Israel Boycott and Ukraine beats Russia

Daily Freier Eurovision

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/18/2016 at 1:20 PM

Stockholm: Debates over the Boycott Israel movement raged across Europe today after millions of fans were left traumatized by the decision to ban all things Israeli in Saturday’s grand finale of Eurovision. The chaos began when outspoken Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallstrom, a strong supporter of the BDS movement aimed at economically crippling Israel, made a series of blunders that left hosts Sweden red-faced. Firstly, she moved the singing competition from the 16,000 all-seater Ericsson Globe arena in Stockholm – after discovering that the mother-in-law of the Ericsson CEO had once eaten a pomegranate on an Israeli kibbutz in 1954. “We were left with no choice. We really can’t be seen to support that level of aggressive Zionism.” Ms. Wallstrom stated defiantly, as the venue was changed to an old IKEA warehouse in the tiny northern village of Dooberguberfloozer. Coaches were then arranged to transport the 42 competing nations after the Israel-developed GPS app Waze had been blocked, sending the lost Azerbaijanis on a wild-goose chase around Denmark. Meanwhile, Israeli start-up GetTaxi, the world’s second largest Taxi app, was switched off, forcing the Spanish to hitchhike to a place they could not even say.

Eurovision is one of the few European cultural events that reinforces regional differences and continuously raises the prospect of a third World War. Amidst all the kitsch of cheesy dancing fairies and Viking heavy metal bands, this year’s show was once again mired in controversy. Greece was devastated after failing to make the final for the first time and immediately blamed German-imposed cuts. Neighboring Turkey was thrilled to have negotiated its inclusion in next year’s semi-finals, in exchange for building more Syrian refugee camps. Fights and beheadings broke out in this year’s semi-finals after a romantic ballad sung by ISIS boy band, the Caliphatties failed to melt judges’ hearts. Canada too was left ticked off by Australia’s inclusion in Eurovision for the second year running. Quebec-born diva Celine Dion, who won Eurovision for Switzerland in 1988, offered to sing but new Prime Minister/heart-throb, Justin ‘Donnie Osmond’ Trudeau vetoed her offer, sending a giant wave of relief across Canada.

Not since the official breakup of Abba in 1982 has Sweden been so widely vilified for allowing such a cultural disaster. From the moment the show went live on air, buzzing social media forums began to grind to a halt. Facebook, created by renowned Zionist/Nice-Jewish-Boy Mark Zuckerberg, went offline for the first time ever, pushing a frantic 1.6 billion account-holders across the planet into actually talking to each other. But with Microsoft’s operating system, the Intel processor, and the technology behind What’s App, Messenger, Viber and voicemail all pioneered and developed in Israel, mobile phones and laptops around the world all fell eerily silent. When it came to broadcasting the actual results, Eurovision’s voting system was hit by the sudden ban on Israel-inspired satellites, forcing judging panels to dig out dusty walkie talkies not used since the Cold War.

When the networks finally managed to broadcast the rest of the show, it appeared that bookies’ favorites Russia – which had threatened to turn off the gas and lights in Eastern Europe – had done predictably well. Also surprising was the Great Britain entry, sung by reality TV superstars Joe and Jake. The last time a British duo scored so well abroad, there was a pubic lice outbreak in London. Their upbeat song “You are not alone,” dedicated to former London Mayor Ken Livingstone, was nevertheless ridiculed in Germany. “Zay bloody will be soon if zay vote to leave ze EU next month, ha, ha!” Angela Merkel chuckled to reporters, as she faxed through the votes from Berlin.

Nervously awaiting the Eurovision results aboard Air Force Trump, the man formerly known as Donald, warned: “This is what happens when you have no real defensible borders, political or cultural.” The Republican rebel immediately called for the US-Mexico fence to be built six meters higher and promised a tax on burritos…..

(Note: Ukraine stole it from Russia and Australia. The UK did shit and the Israeli entry, which arrived late, held up by squabbles over the last kosher meal on El Al, finished about half way.)

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Ukrainian Olah suspects Israeli-American boyfriend is actually just Israeli

Ukrainian Olah suspects American-Israeli Boyfriend is just Israeli

(Based on a True Story! Almost!)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 5/11/2016 at 10:00 AM

Bat Yam: Ukrainian Olah Natasha G. moved to Bat Yam four months ago to find a husband. “My grandma Baba told me Jews are good husbands.” explained Natasha as she shopped at Azrieli mall. “Baba knows what she is talking about – one of her husbands was a Jew.” Natasha stopped for a moment to fix her pink lipstick. “So, I met this guy on OkCipud. It’s not like Tinder or anything. OkCupid is for serious relationships, right?” Natasha arched her freshly drawn eyebrows. “So his name is Omer and he wrote in his profile that he lives in New York, and he told me that he is an Israeli-American and runs a start-up. I thought to myself – this is destiny!

We’ve been together for a month, but I started suspecting his story because his English sucks. Not that mine was perfect, but if he was an Israeli-American, he would be kinda fluent in English, right?” The Daily Freier Guest Reporter didn’t have a chance to find out what was wrong with Mr. Omer the Boyfriend’s English, because Natasha saw a special offer “Second item – half price” and we lost her somewhere in H&M.

To find out the truth, the Freier Guest Reporter stalked Omer on Facebook and met him for a beer (“to sit on the beer” as he explained). “U spik Hibrow, no?” inquired Omer. “Hawo much taym U heer?” Omer told me he always says to non-Americans that he is half American. “The idea of an extra passport doesn’t hurt.” said Omer winking. We wanted to ask Omer what happens if a girl finds out but he saw his old army friend in the other corner of the bar and ran to him screaming “Ma kore, achi?!?” so we had to spend the rest of the evening swiping pictures on Tinder.

Israel admits that Hebrew Vowels are just a 50 Year Prank on Olim

Daily Freier Vowels Aliyah

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 5/16/2016 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem, Givat RamGovernment and Academic sources, speaking at a Conference held at the Academy of the Hebrew Language, made an astonishing admission today: that the use of Vowels in Hebrew is just one giant punk on Olim.

Honestly, we never thought it would go on this long.” chuckled Professor Binyamin M.  “After the Six Day War, a lot of Western Olim started showing up to volunteer, and some of the Kibbutzniks thought it would be funny to tell them that there were special invisible dots and lines underneath the letters that they can’t see but that they must say. And they went along with it!  I guess the Emperor really wears no clothes.”

President Rivlin, who was on site to present an award for the best new Hebrew playwright, couldn’t contain his laughter. “It’s all a joke! Kamatz, Patach, Segol. We even wondered if we could force Olim to draw a Tic-Tac-Toe Board, so we made up the Shuruk! Good times!

Vowels Shmowels

The Academy explained that when an Oleh does something particularly Israeli, they hold a secret ceremony and read them into the joke. Jessica, a Canadian Olah Hadashah who recently screamed at a man on an electric bicycle for 5 minutes without letting go of the 11 dogs she was walking, while eating a sandwich and keeping up with 2 Whats-App Group conversations before finally ending the argument and discreetly giving the man her phone number, explained. “So yeah, after my little “incident”, the head of Misrad HaKlita brought me to Hebrew University for the ceremony.” When the Daily Freier asked Jessica if she could describe the ceremony, she insisted that she had been sworn to secrecy. When the Daily Freier asked her if the ceremony involved hummus, she changed the subject.

Omar Barghouti asks Nefesh B’Nefesh for help with Residency Permit

Omar Barghouti

Buster Bluth

Loose Seal

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/14/2016 at 11:30 PM

Ramat Aviv: Qatari Boycott Divest and Sanctions mascot Omar Barghouti is in a bit of a conundrum lately, as the country he is trying to take down through lawfare apparently is not being terribly helpful with his travel permits. Barghouti, who is a PhD Candidate at Tel Aviv University when he is not trying to destroy the country that funds his education, has lately turned to Nefesh B’Nefesh to help straighten things out.  The Daily Freier got a copy of Barghouti’s letter to Nefesh B’Nefesh by pestering their receptionist for 30 minutes until she gave it to us if we would just go away.

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Greetings Facilitators of the Ongoing Illegal Occupation of the 1948 Territories,

I hope this letter finds you well.  I am writing your Entity because I hear that you know how to “grease the wheels” of the bureaucracy for Semites who wish to live here. So Please help. You’re a Semite. And I am also a Semite…. who dislikes certain other Semites. But that is neither here nor there. The Bottom Line is that my Inalienable Right to attend overseas conferences and be feted as the awesome guy that I am is being jeopardized.  Besides, Max Blumenthal owes me 30 Bucks and if I can catch up with him at the Berkeley Confab I am pretty sure I can collect. Anyhoo, hook me up. Because if I am not allowed to travel overseas it would be a total disaster. Or, you know, a Naqba.

Cordially,

Omar

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Reaction to Mr. Barghouti’s letter has been mixed, with some very strong opinions. Alert Local Ronit S. described her reaction. “Wow. The idea that a PhD Candidate at Tel Aviv University would seek to destroy the very State that is providing his education is a complete shock…. to anyone who has never been to Tel Aviv University.

Word on the street is that if Mr. Barghouti’s current plan doesn’t work, he will sneak in and out of the country on Birthright Tours.

Ancient clay tablet ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ uncovered during Light Rail excavation

Ancient Secret Tel Aviv the Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/14/2016 at 2:00 PM

Tel Aviv Haganah: Construction workers excavating Tel Aviv’s Light Rail Line made an amazing discovery yesterday: the earliest known recording of the Secret Tel Aviv website and Facebook page. “Secret Ur of the Chaldeans” which later morphed into “Secret Harran“, then “Secret Land of Canaan” and then “Secret Eretz Yisrael“, was a message board recorded in ancient Hebrew and later Aramaic on clay bricks in which the people of the day were able to ask perfect strangers how to solve their batshit crazy personal problems, how to evade Customs Fees when bringing items back from the Babylonian Exile, and how to identify an insect that they found in their granary. The Daily Freier went to the scene to smell the excitement.

Hebrew University Professor of Antiquities Nadav S.  explained the importance of the finding to the Daily Freier. “What this discovery shows is really a snapshot of life before the Common Era.”  Professor Nadav picked up a clay shard and began to read aloud.

So if you’re like a King? And you see a really hot woman sunning herself on her roof, but she’s married? And her husband is an Achi but he’s not an ‘Achi Achi’. So you send her husband off to do Miluim, because hey, you’re the King, and he like dies? After that is it OK to hook up with her?…….Asking for a friend.”

Nadav continued. “What is fascinating is that the tablets show a continuous narrative of the self-absorbed going back over 3,000 years.” The Professor grabbed another shard at random and read it.

Hi Secret Land of Canaan this is Sarah. I’m a new Olah. So my husband found this nice cave in Hebron, which is over the Green Line but whatever.  Anyway, the landlord seems like a psycho.  Let’s call him ‘Ephraim’. And I think he’s a Hittite. Can I say that? Is that racist? Anyway, he wants 12 post-dated checks plus someone from another tribe to co-sign for the cave. Is that normal?”

Nadav turned the shard over to reveal responses from passers-by. “What is fascinating is that random Israelites stopped what they were doing to provide advice to this woman seeking a cave. One person suggested that she go back to her original place of birth.  Another person said “Welcome to the Land of Canaan” which appears to be the earliest recorded use of sarcasm. And another guy appeared to have sent her a ‘Private Parchment Message“.

Professor Nadav stressed that the problems faced by our ancestors on “Secret Harran” are very similar to the problems people write about today on Secret Tel Aviv:

So I really connected with this girl but she’s like Super Super Mizrahi. I mean I had to get her family’s permission to go on a date with her.  Anyway, when I went to the house to meet her Dad, somehow he tricked me into going into business with him. And then he fixes me up with his other daughter, but the thing is she….. has a really nice personality. So now the Dad says if I stay with his agricultural supply company for a couple more years then he will let me date the first daughter too. Anyway Secret Harran…… has anybody else been through this?  Is this nuts? Am I in too deep?”

As the Daily Freier ended the interview, construction workers uncovered the first recorded instance of somebody getting banned from “Secret Land of Canaan“.

 

 

 

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Yale Linguist discovers that ‘Naqba’ means ‘Sorry-We-Didn’t-Push-You-into-the-Sea’

yale-linguist-discovers-that-naqba-means-sorry-we-didnt-push-you-into-the-sea

(Photo Credit: Our Friends at the Ezzedeen Al-Qassam Brigades)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 5/12/2016 at 10:00 AM

New Haven: Renowned linguist of Semitic languages Carlton Howe made a fascinating discovery earlier today.  Using a combination of texts, recorded speech, and other media, Dr. Howe managed to decipher that the meaning of the Arabic term “Naqba” was  actually “Sorry We Didn’t Push You into the Sea“.  Dr. Howe explained his findings to the Daily Freier.

Languages contain nuance and hidden meaning.” explained Dr. Howe as we sipped tea in his study.  “Which makes the role of a scholar so truly exciting. So previous scholars stated that ‘Naqba’ means ‘disaster’. But that is simply not the case. By comparing historical texts in Arabic to contemporary speeches and poems, I was able to determine the true meaning of this term.  I don’t think I am being a Gasconading Academic when I tell you that this is a true “Rosetta Stone” moment. And by ‘Rosetta Stone’ I don’t mean those goofy language videos that you check out of the library.”

News of Dr. Howe’s findings spread quickly throughout academia, with some of his department rivals challenging his findings by stating that ‘Al Naqba” actually means “Please don’t hold us responsible for our actions“, or “I demand a Do-Over” or even possibly “Next time we will get it right“.

I hate Tel Aviv guys, but this one seems different.

i-hate-tel-aviv-guys-but-this-one-seems-different-daily-freier

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this article.

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/1/2016 at 10:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: It’s been a rough couple of months.  You met some real jerks here, like they just find you or something. You gave up on going out to bars, but it’s your friend Ari’s shift, and it’s always fun when she’s behind the bar.  And who is this who just sat down next to you?  Is he new here?  He seems so…. different. Not like the other guys.

So he says that he just came back from Thailand after he finished his Army service.  And he wasn’t a jobnik…. he was in a K-9 Unit in the Jordan Valley!  So in a few weeks he says he will have his surfing instructor license.  And he’s also working in a start-up! You asked him how old he is and he said “35 in dog years”. But that doesn’t even make any sense. And it’s a bit weird that he still lives at home at 35.  But whatever.

So now he says he wants to take you to Eilat next weekend. That’s a bit fast. But he’s Israeli.  And why does he keep referring to his ex as his “former bitch”.  That’s like really sexist.

Wait, Ari is getting you a chaser!  Yay! And she’s leaning in to whisper something.  “This guy’s a dog.

But he seems nice!

“No. Listen to me. He is….a dog.

I think you’re just jealous.

OK, so now your friend Aurelia is getting your attention.  Apparently, he brings a different girl here every night.  But just to be discreet, he sits in a different part of the bar.

Welcome to Israel.

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