Category: Hamas

Hamas catfishing plot busted after “Israeli girls” discussed no post-Army plans to do drugs in Goa or sell Dead Sea products in a Texas mall

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/16/2017 at 10:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Israel is still in shock after the revelation that Hamas conducted an online espionage campaign against Israeli soldiers by posing as attractive Israeli women. The “women” infiltrated Facebook groups of Israeli soldiers and veterans, and attempted to gather classified information through “catfishing” innocent and unsuspectingly horny Israeli guys. The IDF revealed the plot late last week and explained how they busted the ring: the failure of the “women” to mention all the drugs they’re going to do at a rave in India when they finish their Army service, along with their failure to describe a plan to sell Dead Sea skin cream with their cousin out of a kiosk in a mall outside of Houston. The IDF unveiled the details in a Press Conference today, so The Daily Freier walked down to their Headquarters to check things out for ourselves.

The IDF spokesperson was flanked on stage by a panel of soldiers who found themselves caught up in the plot. The spokesperson then started a PowerPoint presentation and outlined all of the clues that led to the failure of the Hamas plan. “So let’s look at some of the texts.” explained Captain Tomer K. “At first, this appears like a target-rich environment for Hamas. Specifically, by approaching Israeli guys, they chose a demographic that will seemingly say or do anything to get laid …..But wait.Here we have a text where the supposed woman, “Stav”, is seemingly unfamiliar with the concept of hard-selling Dead Sea products in an Ohio mall next to the Forever 21 shop.” Tomer then summoned a soldier to the podium to give his testimonial.

I was talking to this girl named Orit. And everything seemed chill. So I started bragging about all the hash I smoked in Laos.” explained Danny C.  “And then she said that drugs are haram. Also she never complained about the price of cheese.”

Captain Tomer continued his presentation. “So here is the profile of another Hamas spy.  Notice how she does not indicate any plans to get her scuba instructor license in Cancun. Nor does her Facebook history reveal any stories of showing up at the Kathmandu Chabad for Pesach while tripping on mushrooms. Dead giveaway.

Captain Tomer summoned another soldier named Yair to the podium to give his testimony. “So I started chatting with this one girl named Tamar. She seemed really chill and down to earth. She didn’t start arguing with me at any point. So yeah… I just knew that something wasn’t right….. Then I told her that I am going to Amsterdam with friends for a week, and that we were going to stay 7 to a room in our hotel. She replied that if you rent a double occupancy hotel room, that only 2 people should stay there….and that it is inappropriate to take towels or bathrobes from the establishment. Right after that I called my Commander and told him something was wrong.

Finally, Captain Tomer brought up one of the true victims of the affair, a woman whose identity had been stolen, alert local Ronit S.  She explained her shock at the entire series of events. “So I got a call from my mom last Thursday and she told me to turn on the TV. And there was my face. This is just so humiliating.” Ronit then motioned to the assembled soldiers on stage. “I just don’t understand how any of them felt that they would ever have a chance with me.

The Press Conference experienced a bit of a diversion after Ronit explained that while the profile using her photo was NOT her, she does in fact have a fitness and nutrition themed Instagram account. Ronit then commandeered the PowerPoint remote from Captain Tomer in order to display a series of slides showing her doing leg lifts in HaYarkon Park while wearing spandex and a crop top, the new healthy smoothies that she is marketing online, and her cute basset hound named Chris.

Hamas regrets hiring Tunnel Safety Expert whom they found from a Door Magnet

Hamas regrets hiring Tunnel Safety Expert they found from a door magnet Daily Freier

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/24/2016 at 11:20 PM

Gaza: As Hamas tunnels continue to tragically suffer collapses and cave-ins, each of which enables at least 72 new options for virgin speed-dating, Hamas leadership appears to have determined the underlying problem. It is not Egypt’s flooding the tunnels with sewage, it is not even one of the Mossad’s Spy Animals.  Rather, the problem is that Hamas hired its Occupational Safety/Risk Management expert from one of those little magnets that plumbers, electricians, and exterminators secretly place on the door of your apartment while you are asleep or something.

(Reader Alert: For those of you who don’t reside in Israel, if you want a train-wreck scenario involving your apartment’s plumbing, structural foundation, or electricity grid, go ahead and hire a guy off of a magnet you found on your door.)

Hamas Bridge and Tunnel Commissioner Fares H. explained the problem to the Daily Freier via Skype. “We couldn’t figure out the problem.  The tunnels kept collapsing, martyring many of our best tunnelers and even endangering our friend Mr. Roger Waters.….Yet we couldn’t find the source.  Finally I asked my personal assistant where he hired our Health and Safety expert, and he admitted that he first callled the guy when he found the company’s magnet on his door one morning.”  Fares shook his head and looked out the window into the distance. “Hey Yuval….Let me ask you, one guy talking to one perfidious Zionist imposter…. do you have idiot personal assistants in Israel also?

In an effort at damage control, Hamas has decided not to fire their Safety Expert, but rather to transfer him to the Advertising Department.  While the hiring process continues, the Tunnel Safety position will be temporarily held by the Hamas Bumblee.

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Israel solves fake West Bank water crisis by opening fake dams by Gaza.

Israel solves fake West Bank water crisis by opening fake dams by Gaza Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/20/2016 at 4:40 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: In a true win-win for everyone, Israel responded to a fake accusation of cutting off water to the West Bank during Ramadan by opening the fake dams that Hamas says Israel opens every Spring to flood the Gaza Strip.

The UK Independent wrote an article accusing Israel of cutting off water to Israel based on the testimony of an employee of the Palestinian Authority, who also have some novel concepts of what ingredients go into matzoh.  A spokesperson for the Israeli government told The Independent there is “no truth” in the claims, and noted that the shortages were down to faulty water lines, with video provided.

On the other hand, this Spring Gaza’s Hamas rulers blamed floods on Israel opening dams that don’t actually, like, exist and stuff.  Upon being corrected, some news outlets retracted the story, including the notorious Zionist outlet Al-Jazeera (Really! They did a good job too!), while others such as AFP were too busy catching up on Game of Thrones or something to fix the mistake.

So it was just amazing when these two make-believe ideas cancelled each other out. Moti C, a spokesperson for the  Israeli Water Board, explained the move to the Daily Freier.  “We figured we’ve been operating fake dams in Southern Israel for so long, we can afford to divert some fake water to fix a fake cutoff of water supplies. That’s why we’re calling this “Operation Costanza“.

Eddie the Israeli spy vulture  could not be reached for comment.

Hamas tunnellers disoriented after Rothschild Avenue breakthrough

Rothschild chair

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/20/2016 at 11:50 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Hamas leadership was forced into a radical strategic rethink on Monday after a coordinated operation saw a Gaza-based squad emerge confused and bewildered from three underground tunnels in the centre of Tel Aviv.

The first of the 72-kilometre tunnels was revealed when three Hamas terrorists smashed through bedrock into the basement of Dizengoff Center. Buried amidst last season’s thongs from Victoria’s Secret, ripped denim shorts from Castro and a Kiddush cup stuffed with Sarah Netanyahu’s tax receipts, one of the baffled terror operatives did manage to crawl through hoards of Eyal Golan CDs and copies of Moshe Katsav’s autobiography. He then made the all-too-common mistake of taking the escalator up to the third floor and emerged immediately back in the basement where yawning security guards were waiting for him.

Police were quick to the scene of the second tunnel, which broke through the cycle lane on the always-busy Rothschild Boulevard. The Al-Jamal brothers from Gaza City were bowled over by three hoverboards, a skateboard, a triple buggy, a unicycle, a dog walker with 15 breeds on one leash and two elderly ladies headed for the opera at Habima. The Al-Jamals are being treated for PTSD and mild head injuries at Ichilov hospital.

And as Tel Aviv continued with its late Spring  bustle, a gaping concrete hole appeared underneath local fraudsters Goldman Bank De Binary. With the Waze GPS app pressed to his ear, a bandana-wearing Musharraf Al-Hussein appeared with a pack of worn-down toothpicks as packs of Olim went straight for his pockets, forcing him to buy shares in global corporate stalwart McCoca-Packard.

Local Tel Aviv police spokesperson Avram W. added: “It appears Al Hussein has applied for a commission-only job in Binary while the Dizengoff tunnellers were excited to have been given minimum wage positions as Customer Liaison Officers by Cofix.”

The security breach was reliably reported by the BBC as “Israel illegally detains Palestinian archaeologists”.

A Hamas spokesman added: “Their missions were merely fact-finding intelligence missions. They remain on the payroll and we hope to see them return in time for the gold fountains we are naming after them.”

Roger Waters in Stable Condition after Gaza Tunnel Collapse

“I was only down there for the acoustics!”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/21/2016 at 11:20 PM

Gaza City: Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters is in serious but stable condition after getting caught in the collapse of a tunnel southeast of Gaza City earlier today. The Daily Freier was at the scene when a representative from the Palestinian Red Crescent briefed the assembled press. “It was approximately 3:00 PM when the Zionist Entity and its Egyptian lackeys triggered a cave-in of the tunnel, trapping 3 of our pious and motivated young tunnelers, as well as our bizarre but helpful friend Mister Roger Waters.

When asked by MSNBC how rescue workers were able to find Mr. Waters, the spokesperson explained. “The tunnel was impassable to humans at this point, so we brought in Farfour the Mouse. He was able to find our friend by homing in on the intense scent of bitter self-righteousness that emanated from his body even when he was unconscious. Incidentally, this was exactly how we found Jimmy Carter after he accidentally wandered into the Sand Dunes last year during Ramadan.”

For his part, Roger Waters was insistent that he had done nothing wrong. “I know that the Zionists and their friends in the press will try to spin this in some negative light, but I was merely in the tunnel for its acoustics. You see, I’m recording a new singleIndigenous Olive Oil Can Flow Through Any Wall”, and I really needed just the right sound. But I think the vibrations from the snare drum may have set off a tremor and destroyed the tunnel.”

When the Daily Freier pointed out that since the tunnels go under the border, that he may have inadvertently stepped into Israel, he got really upset and his catheter fell out.

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In wacky mix-up, Qatar sends Hamas paycheck to Martin Indyk and Indyk’s paycheck to Hamas!

Miriam Alster:Flash90:File)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/7/2016 at 5:30 PM

Washington: Hijinks ensued today when the Qatari Treasury accidentally sent Martin Indyk’s paycheck to Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and Mashal’s paycheck to Mr. Indyk. However, despite the potential compromise of funds, the entire situation managed to sort itself out after a few hours and several phone calls.

READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE TODAY AT THE TIMES OF ISRAEL!

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/in-wacky-mix-up-qatar-sends-hamas-paycheck-to-martin-indyk-and-indyks-paycheck-to-hamas/

 

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GUEST WRITER WEDNESDAY PRESENTS: “Hamas Got Talent”!

Talent

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/25/2015 at 11:20 AM

Gaza City:  TV ratings when through the roof this Saturday, literally, as Simon Cowell made his much-anticipated debut as a judge on ‘Hamas Got Talent.’ More than 20 million tuned in across the Arab world, averting their eyes when Cowell entered stage right, wearing his extremely high-waisted and tight trousers, accompanied by a scantily clad Nicole Sherzinger, from the Pussycat Dolls.

There was much outrage in Israel last month when the multi-billion dollar franchise was extended to the Gaza Strip and auditions began in a UN school to find the next superstar from the tiny, long-suffering enclave.

“It is absolutely appalling how the Palestinians have applied to be part of this worldwide showbiz extravaganza,” cried Israeli PM Bibi Netanyahu. “Watching teenagers juggle grenades live on stage in a high school is only going to end in tears. And, frankly, we could do without the blame. I’d rather see them in the United Nations,” he added.

A nervous looking Cowell, who was born to a Jewish father, was treated to a line up of Abu Mazen ventriloquists, a somersaulting Hitler Youth urban dance act, a magician who stormed a tunnel with explosives, grenades and an AK-47, only to come out the other side, smiling and disembowelled, next to 72 glamorous virgins. Even Nicole Sherzinger clapped. Mahmood El Mahmood, a sweet boy with a stutter came out and blew the audience away, well after his father had, with his version of Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man.’ Cowell pressed the golden buzzer, Mahmood went through to the finals in Ramallah and the roof exploded.

But the real drama was reserved for Fatima Al Boom Shak-a-Lak, whose father disowned her when she dropped out of bomb-making and swastika classes to take up singing in her bedroom. Dressed in a sultry ankle-length black number, and a balaclava, she dedicated her mash-up of Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake it Off’ and Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ to him but her ashamed father chopped his own head off in the gents toilets during the commercial break.

Al Jazeera, which broadcast the show, called the show a hit, as did the BBC, which led with the headline “Palestinians sing and dance through their pain after Israeli rocket targets TV studio. The next episode airs Sunday at 9pm Israel time, 2pm Central.

 

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