Category: The United Nations

"The Squad", Dating and Relationships, The United Nations

UN orders Beth Mynett’s husband to unilaterally withdraw from Ilhan Omar

By Emily Goldstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/4/2019 at 2:30 PM

New York City, Turtle Bay: The United Nations General Assembly acted forcefully today, passing a resolution ordering Beth Mynett’s husband to unilaterally withdraw from Ilhan Omar. According to divorce papers filed by Ms. Beth Mynett, it appears that some people did something her husband Tim was having an affair with Everyone’s Favorite Congresswoman/Walking Telanovela.

UN Secretary General António Guterres was adament at this morning’s Press Conference:  “The International Community stands as one and demands that Mr. Tim Mynett withdraw immediately from Ms. Omar. The United Nations hereby condemns this Occupation and the subsequent refugee status of Beth. This entire situation is such a……such a……Naqba.”

Reaction to this bombshell was contentious, with Congresswoman Omar blaming the Jooz denouncing the United Nations Resolution: “I am under no obligation to return Tim to his original co-habitant. You act like she has a Right of Return.” As the Congresswoman said ‘Right of Return‘, she made air quotes with her fingers. When reporters reminded Ms. Omar that Tim was now in violation of a UN resolution, she replied “או’ם שמום“.

For his part, Mr. Mynett denied any wrongdoing, claiming that he was actually just Ilhan’s brother.

Guest Writer Wednesday, The United Nations

USA abstains on UN Resolution condemning Moses’s crimes against Egypt

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 1/18/2017 at 6:30 PM

New York, Turtle Bay: Israel’s not-so-great position at the United Nations sunk to new depths this week after the UN Security Council passed, with the United States abstaining, a resolution demanding the investigation into alleged crimes committed by Moses. You know, the guy from the Bible. Dead for 3200 years, Moshe Rabenu, a homeless shepherd, was condemned for kidnap, economic sabotage of the Egyptian people and as an accomplice to mass murder. With the US failure to veto this resolution, the BDS movement is expected to boycott “everything that’s kinda Jewy“,  to include Facebook, Chinese Food, and Woody Allen movies.

The Resolution, first reported by that bastion of free press in the Middle East Al Jazeera, states that Moses forcibly removed 600,000 relatively content Jews from kibbutzim in Egypt, force-fed them crackers that taste like cardboard until they were sick, and then sped towards Eilat in a second-hand Hyundai. Furthermore, as the Canaanite Police Department gave chase, Moses the Terrible and his Zionist entities vandalized the streets of Cairo with a bunch of dead locusts and frogs. Police also believe he is responsible for splitting a sea, in contravention to international environmental laws.

“These crimes caused such economic hardship in Egypt that it ultimately led to revolutions and the arrival of ISIS.” said the UN’s outgoing Secretary General, Bank Ki Wank I Moon.

The investigation has been one of the longest in Egyptian history. Police did not open the file for more than 2,000 years, after only packets of Kosher-for-Passover Bamba and stubbed out spliffs were found in the wilderness around the Sinai town of Dahab.

Al Jazeera, however, managed to track down a key witness, Mahmoud, a retired tour guide. “It was definitely Moses. The trunk was flapping open and closed, with two giant tablets in the back. There were hundreds of kids strapped to the roof. I thought it was a school trip to the Coral Reef.” said Mahmoud. It is believed that Moses relied on an early version of Waze, a phenomenal breakthrough in GPS technology, which helped direct Noah to dry land during some pretty bad weather.

Israeli Prime Minister, Bibi Netanyahu, fresh from his latest romantic dinner with the other Moses, Arnon, said: “If you were abandoned in a wicker basket as a baby, you too would have a point to prove. Why should he be held to higher standards?”

Bibi received support from his new BFF, incoming President Trump, who googled “What is the United Nations?” before tweeting “Like #MerylStreep, the UN is vastly overrated.”

Chanukah, John Forbes Kerry, The United Nations

Hanukkah Miracle as Ketchup Heiress with nothing to say speaks for 75 Minutes

John Kerry(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2016 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem: People around here have seen a lot, but something is different this week. On Wednesday, something happened that was so profound that it very well may have been a modern Hanukkah miracle. Ketchup heiress/Navy Veteran/Dude who lost to Dubya/Diplomat John Kerry spoke for 75 minutes without actually having anything to say. With only enough relevant ideas to fill a 5 minute chat, Kerry somehow summoned enough J-Street talking points, Senate anecdotes, and Thomas Friedman clichés to make his talk last 75 minutes. Nes Gadol Haya Sham! So the Daily Freier hit the streets to find out the word. On the streets.

As the Daily Freier exited Jerusalem’s Central Bus Station, we ran into a familiar face: Alert Local Ronit S., who was on her way to the Ministry of Education to get a scuba diving certification from Cancun translated into Hebrew so she could be a dive instructor or something. We asked Ronit if she heard the speech.

“Yeah. They played it on the bus the whole way here. Seventy. Five. Minutes. It was so bad that the driver actually had to pull over to get some fresh air near Latrun. I made a bet with the guy next to me on how long it would last. He said 90 minutes, I said 70. So I won. 50 Shekels. The guy was mad and insisted that if Kerry was allowed to also speak in French that the speech would have hit 2 hours.”

The Daily Freier said goodbye to Ronit and proceeded onto the Light Rail toward the  Illegally Occupied Western Wall. On the Light Rail, we saw Historian Yoni K. who went on to explain the significance of Kerry’s speech. “What Secretary Kerry did was like transporting me back in time.” explained Yoni as he looked into the distance. “It was like I was in Barack Obama’s Columbia University Dorm Room bull session circa 1983. Imagine a reality where Israel never offered the Palestinians a State in 2000, 2001, and 2008.  A reality where Ehud Barak never completely withdrew from South Lebanon in a UN certified move in 2000, and Hezbollah never promptly moved in and kidnapped an Israeli patrol. In this Alternative Universe, Ariel Sharon never removed every Jew from Gaza and handed it over to the Palestinian Authority in 2005; and Hamas never evicted the PA from Gaza in 2007…. You know, for a minute while I was listening to his speech….. I thought that I was high.”

The Daily Freier jumped off the Light Rail and walked over to city hall where several children sat in a circle playing dreidel.

“Gimmel” shouted one boy as he grabbed a handful of candy from a pile in the center.

“Hay” shouted another, as he too grabbed some candy.

“Nun” mumbled another boy as the other kids started to taunt him. “Ha Ha!” They shouted as they handed him the headphones of an I-Pod. “Now you have to listen to Kerry recount his special friendship with Shimon Peres.”

“That’s OK, I guess.” muttered the boy. “At least I don’t have to listen to him talk about his yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard.“

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The United Nations

UNESCO not convinced that Adam Sandler is really Jewish

420px-Adam_Sandler_6821

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/31/2016 at 8:40 AM

Paris: The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) is holding an emergency meeting tomorrow to get down to the bare facts on a question that has confused them for some time: whether famous actor Adam Sandler is really Jewish. While Mr. Sandler has made a name for himself with works to include the Chanukah Song, 8 Crazy Nights, and Don’t Mess with the Zohan, this level of proof simply leaves more questions than answers for the fun folks over at UNESCO. The Daily Freier spoke with UNESCO spokesperson Francesca S. about this fascinating development.

“We just really don’t know whether or not ‘Mr. Sandler’ is actually ‘Jewish’ [when saying these words, she really did make quote-marks in the air with her fingers] so as an organization we are required to do the proper research. Just last week, we learned from President Abbas that Jesus was actually Palestinian.”

When the Daily Freier asked UNESCO if there were any other fairly big problems in the world right now that didn’t involve Israelis or J-E-W-S, she paused, looked at us the same way our teacher did when we used to eat paste, and continued her monologue.

“We’ve been so busy deciding that the Western Wall [she did the air quotes thing again] is actually part of the Al-Aqsa Mosque, that we haven’t really had time to catch up with all of our other tasks.”

For its part, Israel reacted with scorn to UNESCO’s move, but in the spirit of compromise, offered to declare Max Blumenthal and  Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square as Palestinian.

The status of Mr Sandler’s Judaism is due to be voted on early this week by the 21-members of UNESCO’s World Heritage Committee, at which point they will also decide the Jewish status of Jackie Mason, the movie Yentl, North Miami Beach, and Seth Rogen’s hair.

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Labour Party, The United Nations

Labour Councillor explains Hitler tweets: “I thought I was working at UNRWA”

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By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/12/2016 at 11:40 AM

Luton, United Kingdom: Recently sacked Labour Councillor Ayşegül Gürbüz held a brief Press Conference this morning explaining to the nation exactly why she had sent out a bunch of not-very-nice tweets praising Hitler and wishing for Iran to destroy Israel: She thought that she was actually working for the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine (UNRWA).

Ms. Gürbüz, who in fine sibling tradition had previously blamed her sister for the tweets, initially planned on telling the public that a canine had devoured her schoolwork.    Yet at the Press Conference she admitted the truth. “I thought I was working for UNRWA.  This was truly an honest mistake. I mean, if I thought I worked in an office environment where you could get fired for bashing Zios inappropriate remarks about the Jewish people, I would have been more circumspect. I mean, UNRWA doesn’t fire ANYONE!

When asked about her future plans, Ms. Gürbüz noted that she may go into game design before Labour quietly rehires her some time around August or September.

HaTzarfatim, The IDF, The United Nations

UN Slams IDF after Interrogators place Hamas Prisoner at Shabbat Table of only French Speakers

French Jews(Photo Credit: Jewish Agency)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 4/8/2016 at 10:50 AM

New York, Turtle Bay: United Nations Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon reacted with undisguised anger to published reports alleging that the Israel Defense Force is using a new and potentially dangerous interrogation technique: placing detainees at a Sabbath table comprised completely of French Jews. From Paris. Speaking only French. At a slightly elevated noise volume. All… Night… Long…  Secretary General Moon explained his objections to the Daily Freier during a break from his busy schedule of not helping to solve the Syrian crisis.

“Israel simply cannot behave in this fashion if it wishes to improve its standing in the Community of Nations.  I mean, the mere thought of this activity is horrifying.  It reminds me of the time I was trapped in an elevator with François Hollande  and Nicolas Sarkozy for 45 minutes during a power outage.”

Israel responded to Secretary Moon’s statement, explaining the effectiveness of the technique.  “We only do this with our real hard cases, the tough guys.” stated IDF spokesperson Guy T. “Just last Shabbat we had a Hamas guy on a hunger strike.  We put him at a table of new French Olim. By the time of Kiddush he was fidgeting in his seat. Soon he was visibly sweating and talking to himself.  Before the Birkat HaMazon he looked me in the eye and said ‘Get me out of here.’ Twenty minutes later he was in his cell eating a falafel.”

When the Daily Freier asked Guy if there was an interrogation technique that would work with a table of American Olim, he said he’d get back to us after more than 5 Americans make Aliyah and stay at least 6 months.

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The Daily Freier en Español, The United Nations

Grave escándalo en la ONU al conocerse que un profesor de la UNRWA (la agencia de la ONU para los palestinos) no tiene fotos de Hitler en su página de Facebook

Schickelgruber UNRWA

Khan Yunis, Gaza:  La Agencia de las Naciones Unidas para los Refugiados de Palestina en Oriente Próximo (UNRWA) está hoy en crisis después de que unos informes recién publicados revelaran que uno de los suyos mantiene una página en Facebook absolutamente libre de fotos admirativas de Hitler, de judíos siendo perseguidos o de judíos religiosos siendo atropellados por un coche o acuchillados.

Fares A., un profesor de matemáticas en la Escuela Primaria Sayyid Qutb de Khan Yunis, mantiene un perfil en Facebook que única y estrictamente contiene fotos de su familia, de sí mismo frente a algún Ferrari o una foto publicada por algún dulce corazón femenino de la escuela (a quien su mujer no puede soportar) de ambos juntos en la década de 1990, e imágenes de lo que parece ser una celebración de una barbacoa al aire libre con un sabroso cordero.

Los compañeros de Hassan en la escuela de primaria Sayyid Qutb estaban en un estado de shock. “Tu piensas que conoces a alguien, y luego, bang, resulta ser otra persona“, declaró el descorazonado profesor de historia Hassan M. “Quiero subrayar que él ha estado en mi casa, hablamos de fútbol… Supongo que la próxima seré más cuidadoso con mis amistades“.

La profesora de geografía Layla R. estaba igualmente molesta. “Este hombre ha empañado la dignidad de Gaza. Esto es aún peor que cuando el Mossad secuestró a nuestro gatito“.

El portavoz de la UNRWA, Chris Gunness, compareció apresuradamente en una rueda de prensa preparada para hacer frente al creciente escándalo. “Tomamos esta acusación muy en serio y vamos a investigarla tan pronto como sea posible, sobre todo después de terminar la investigación sobre las finanzas de un blog que nos critica“.

Cuando este artículo entró en prensa, surgieron informes de que Fares A., el profesor acusado, publicó a la desesperada en su Facebook sus últimas calificaciones en el juego conocido como “Naqbaville“, en un intento de salvar el honor de su familia.