Month: July 2016

The United Nations July 31, 2016August 1, 2016

UNESCO not convinced that Adam Sandler is really Jewish

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/31/2016 at 8:40 AM

Paris: The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) is holding an emergency meeting tomorrow to get down to the bare facts on a question that has confused them for some time: whether famous actor Adam Sandler is really Jewish. While Mr. Sandler has made a name for himself with works to include the Chanukah Song, 8 Crazy Nights, and Don’t Mess with the Zohan, this level of proof simply leaves more questions than answers for the fun folks over at UNESCO. The Daily Freier spoke with UNESCO spokesperson Francesca S. about this fascinating development.

“We just really don’t know whether or not ‘Mr. Sandler’ is actually ‘Jewish’ [when saying these words, she really did make quote-marks in the air with her fingers] so as an organization we are required to do the proper research. Just last week, we learned from President Abbas that Jesus was actually Palestinian.”

When the Daily Freier asked UNESCO if there were any other fairly big problems in the world right now that didn’t involve Israelis or J-E-W-S, she paused, looked at us the same way our teacher did when we used to eat paste, and continued her monologue.

“We’ve been so busy deciding that the Western Wall [she did the air quotes thing again] is actually part of the Al-Aqsa Mosque, that we haven’t really had time to catch up with all of our other tasks.”

For its part, Israel reacted with scorn to UNESCO’s move, but in the spirit of compromise, offered to declare Max Blumenthal and Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square as Palestinian.

The status of Mr Sandler’s Judaism is due to be voted on early this week by the 21-members of UNESCO’s World Heritage Committee, at which point they will also decide the Jewish status of Jackie Mason, the movie Yentl, North Miami Beach, and Seth Rogen’s hair.

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Secret Tel Aviv, Start Up Nation July 30, 2016

Now you can sweat like a local with the “Secretion Tel Aviv” App!

(Photo Credit: We totally came up with this ourselves- The Freier Legal Department)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/30/2016 at 5:30 PM

Yafo: The City’s tech community is kinda excited right now about the hottest app on the streets: “Secretion Tel Aviv“. This breakthrough technology allows you to ‘sweat like a local’ by monitoring your activity, food intake, choice of clothing, and caffeine levels. The Daily Freier talked with the “Secretion Tel Aviv” Start-Up team as they took a break from a rigorously playing ping-pong on a roof in Yafo.

“A lot of times, Olim get to Tel Aviv and feel intimidated. They’re at the beach. They’re trying to impress the locals.” explained lead technician Jered B. “They’re sweating a lot. But guess what? It’s Diaspora sweat. Not the same. You want the pheromones? You need to go local.”

Jered led the Daily Freier downstairs to their product development suite, and showed us the rigorous tests that the product has gone through. Sitting side by side on a couch in a room without very good air conditioning were two gentlemen: a shirtless, heavyset guy eating bamba named Motti (who was in fact the Building’s Vaad Bayit), and a nervous, Oleh named Joshua wearing an Emory University T-Shirt and a pooka shell necklace. Each had wires attached to his forehead, wrists, and chest that were hooked up to some sort of monitor. “So you see Motti over there? His sweat is amazing. Like the Gold Standard. His diet of coffee, hummus, bamba, and chopped salad produces the perfect mix…..On the other hand, Joshua is still sweating like a Galut…. Now watch this…..”

As an assistant checked the monitor, Jered fed Joshua some bamba with Cofix coffee, and then handed him a lit spliff. We waited 5 minutes and then checked the monitors as well as the App version on Jered’s I-Phone. “So according to the monitors, Joshua’s sweat passed ‘Oleh’ levels, is approaching ‘I spent a year in MASA’, and may even break into ‘Lone Soldier’ territory.” And the Daily Freier had to admit that his Hebrew sounded better also.

The Secretion Tel Aviv App is now available on I-Tunes, but the juice guy on the corner says he can download you a better version if you stop by.

Beaches of Tel Aviv, Guest Writer Wednesday July 27, 2016August 12, 2016

Russian Tourists become accidental face of Tel Aviv’s newest Gay Club

(Photo Credit: Flickr)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/26/2016 at 8:30 AM

Tel Aviv: The media is thrilled and the gay community is excited – a brand-new gay club will open on Rothschild Boulevard this Thursday. The revolutionary and rebellious concept of the new club is “Be Real”: a club for members of the gay community who are tired of trying to be flawless.

“There is too much pressure on gays in Tel Aviv.” explained Motti, one of the 26 promoters of the club.“ You have to be fit, and tan, and waxed, and eyebrows on fleek. This causes anxiety and protein shake disorders. On the other hand, we want to be unbound and appearance-friendly for everyone”.

We accompanied the “Be Real” team as they went to the beach to take photographs for their website and promotional posters. The photographers Ori and Tzachi looked confused and lost because everyone indeed looked so handsome and fabulous, when all of a sudden they saw two Russian tourists emerging from the water. Ori enthused “They’re 110 Kilos but wearing these tiny little speedos. But they look so real…. or maybe just sunburned and hung over.” Both photographers ran toward the tourists to take some sneak pictures of their modern-day heroes. Tzachi and Ori came back very encouraged, and shared their theories.

– This one used to be Twink, but he looks more like a straight man now.
– That one is more of a Bear, but in a subtle way, if you know what I mean.

The Daily Freier is not always up to speed with all of the terminology to hold this conversation, so we decided to talk to the tourists ourselves. Unfortunately, the newfound celebrities barely spoke English, and we only understood that their wives were meeting them for a mid-day bowl of borscht.

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Guest Writer Wednesday, Tel Aviv Living July 27, 2016

Tourist Searching for “Best Hummus In Tel Aviv” Still Missing

(Photo Credits: Tel Avivi)

By Joshua Rodin

Last Updated 7/27/2016 at 8:20 AM

Tel Aviv: The Israeli Municipal and National Police have put out a National Alert for a missing American tourist, last seen 72 hours ago. According to the Police Report, the missing person’s name is Sarah [insert another initial here]. Sarah, described as 21 years old, brunette, 5’2″, was last seen by friends on her way to locate “The Best Hummus Spot in Tel Aviv”.

“Yeah, I have no idea where she could have gone.” said David R., a friend of Sarah’s and a fellow team member from one of Israel’s countless and easily forgettable MASA programs. “The last thing she said to me was that this really nice Israeli guy told her about an amazing hummus spot in Tel Aviv (‘much better than all the others’) near the Carmel Market and that she was going to check it out…. And that was the last I heard of her.” David stared at the floor with a worried look on his face, “I mean she should have been back days ago, not to mention the fact that clearly the best Hummus place is Falafel Gabay on Dizengoff.”

Israeli Police who searched for Sarah since early Tuesday say that they have yet to find her but have identified several witnesses throughout the city who have claimed to have spoken to a woman who matches that description.

Yossi L., a long-time resident of Tel Aviv of 5 months claims to have spoken to Sarah that very day. “Yes, emmmmmm, I saw the American girl, she came up to me asking for directions. She was looking for the best hummus restaurant in Tel Aviv and it was supposed to be located the Carmel Market. I realized immediately she must have been lost and confused since the best hummus is on Pinsker Street and I quickly redirected her.” Yossi smiled and continued his story. “I mean Hummus HaCarmel is okay I guess but the real stuff is obviously Hummus Mashawsha.”

Police scoured Pinsker Street for clues but soon discovered that Sarah had already left the area. Another witness, Chaim T., seems to have spoken to Sarah as well, “Yes I saw her but she seemed very dazed and confused, looking for the best hummus on Pinsker Street when she should have been in Yafo at Abu Dhabi.” adding quickly with a broad smile, “Obviously I gave her directions … only 5 different buses with Moovit, not Waze!”

Israeli Police Spokesperson Adi F. remained confident when speaking with the press today, saying “This is not an unusual event, we lose track of 3-25 tourists every year and they usually turn up … eventually.” Adi quickly added, “She’s almost certainly located at Abu Hassan. Which is hands-down the best Hummus in Tel Aviv.”

UPDATE: Relieved residents learned this morning that Sarah is alive and well. While wandering Yafo yesterday, Sarah suffered from heat exhaustion and alert bystanders rushed her to the nearest medical facility, Doctor Shakshuka. She is still sipping Limonana and looking at the menu because “there are just so many choices“.

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Dating and Relationships, FOREX/Binary Options, Secret Tel Aviv July 26, 2016March 2, 2017

Woman on Secret Tel Aviv seeking live-in Boy Toy is just FOREX Human Resources

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/26/2016 at 1:10 PM

(DISCLAIMER: TODAY THE FREIER IS TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Recently, a woman posted on Secret Tel Aviv seeking a roommate under…… “special conditions”. The Daily Freier was going to try to explain the post, but whatever we say won’t do it justice:

Anyhoo, Secret Tel Aviv being Secret Tel Aviv, the readers reacted with a mixture of shock and anger that….. JUST KIDDING….. the men of Tel Aviv went on Full RED ALERT and sprang into action, replying with such important questions as:

Does the apartment have a dishwasher?
As a flatmate, I can also bring a kitten.
Pick Me I’m Jewish!
Can I bring my Barbie Dolls?
Keep Kosher?

Despite the story seeming to be just an innocent request for a live-in sex object, the truth is far more sinister: the entire set-up was simply a ruse by a woman who works in the Human Resources section of a prominent FOREX company in Ramat Gan, and the men who responded found themselves not in a Get-Your-Freak-On scenario, but a Binary Options Job Interview. The Daily Freier waited outside the Apartment and conducted Exit Interviews with the traumatized men of Tel Aviv as they learned the bitter truth.

As he left her apartment, local guy Shai (from the coffee kiosk) said “I’m into experiments, but this pushed my boundaries WAY too far. I might be a submissive, but I’m not into Cold-Calling torture!”

We then spoke with recent French Oleh David as he skulked away in shame. “I walked into the interview thinking I was, how do you say, ‘Overqualified?’ Because I am… French? But I’m into bondage, not Binary Bondage.”

Yet there was somebody who DID seem OK with the arrangement, but wished to remain anonymous. The Daily Freier asked the Mystery Man if he had any comments. “Yeah, can you adjust my leather collar? It’s itchy.”

We actually volunteered to check out all of the details of the arrangement. Just as advertised, They DO provide lunch and breakfast. There ARE good showers on site. If you work night-shift, there ARE beds. The only thing we couldn’t figure out was…..uhhhhh….. this:

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Aliyah, Hebrew, The IDF July 24, 2016April 25, 2018

IDF unveils Olah Hadashah Code Talker Unit

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/15/2016 at 3:10 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Responding to published reports, the IDF acknowledged the existence of a previously secret unit: an Olah Hadashah Code Talking unit. Inspired by the famed Navajo Code Talkers of World War II who confused the Japanese Army by speaking in a dialect known only to members of their tribe, there is now a unit comprised specifically of women who have recently immigrated from North America. And Operation Yeleda Lavana has so far been an amazing success, confusing and confounding Israel’s enemies. The Daily Freier was able to somehow secure press credentials and sit in on a Press Conference at the Kirya.

IDF Spokesperson Elad L. explained that despite the natural talents of the recruits, extra training was provided by experts in not being understood in Hebrew, to include Israeli Basketball legend Tal Brody. When asked why there was not a Code Talker unit of Olim Hadashim, Elad explained that there was only so many times that one can say “Bro” in a radio conversation before it loses its meaning. Finally, Elad played an excerpt of an actual radio exchange from the team.

———————————–

Operator 1: Gimmel Matayim Shalosh? Zot Rachel, Wait, I mean Aleph Arbaim ve Shmonay.

Operator 2: Lo shamati. Lo shamati.

Operator 1: Eych omrim command post?

Operator 2 (whispering): OMG my mefaked is So. Hot.

Unknown Male Voice: Pardon me you Zionist She-Jackals. This is Ali. You know, from Hezbollah. I am sorry to interrupt but I must correct your use of future tense with the Peh-Gronit. You appear to be using the incorrect Binyan in your conversation. It is incredibly difficult for me to even follow this dialogue, and I respectfully ask that you stick to Standard Modern Hebrew. Again, I apologize for the interruption to your hegemonic Zionist conversation. Please continue.

Operator 1: Aval like Lo hevanti?

——————————

Elad admitted that Operation Yeleda Lavana experienced a work stoppage this week after the sushi place on Ibn Gavriol stopped delivering.

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Hamas July 24, 2016

Hamas regrets hiring Tunnel Safety Expert whom they found from a Door Magnet

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/24/2016 at 11:20 PM

Gaza: As Hamas tunnels continue to tragically suffer collapses and cave-ins, each of which enables at least 72 new options for virgin speed-dating, Hamas leadership appears to have determined the underlying problem. It is not Egypt’s flooding the tunnels with sewage, it is not even one of the Mossad’s Spy Animals. Rather, the problem is that Hamas hired its Occupational Safety/Risk Management expert from one of those little magnets that plumbers, electricians, and exterminators secretly place on the door of your apartment while you are asleep or something.

(Reader Alert: For those of you who don’t reside in Israel, if you want a train-wreck scenario involving your apartment’s plumbing, structural foundation, or electricity grid, go ahead and hire a guy off of a magnet you found on your door.)

Hamas Bridge and Tunnel Commissioner Fares H. explained the problem to the Daily Freier via Skype. “We couldn’t figure out the problem. The tunnels kept collapsing, martyring many of our best tunnelers and even endangering our friend Mr. Roger Waters.….Yet we couldn’t find the source. Finally I asked my personal assistant where he hired our Health and Safety expert, and he admitted that he first callled the guy when he found the company’s magnet on his door one morning.” Fares shook his head and looked out the window into the distance. “Hey Yuval….Let me ask you, one guy talking to one perfidious Zionist imposter…. do you have idiot personal assistants in Israel also?”

In an effort at damage control, Hamas has decided not to fire their Safety Expert, but rather to transfer him to the Advertising Department. While the hiring process continues, the Tunnel Safety position will be temporarily held by the Hamas Bumblee.

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Dizengoff Center, Dogs, Tel Aviv Living July 23, 2016

Tel Aviv’s Dog Washery “Doggy Style” shocks people who haven’t seen Elephant Butt Slide at Dizengoff Center

(DISCLAIMER: This is Satire! Not real! We are sure there is a perfectly good reason that the dog washery is named “Doggy Style”. And if you are the owner, please contact us because we are like DYING to hear the story!)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/23/2016 at 4:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu: A new 24-Hour Dog Washery named “Doggy Style” on Yirmiyahu is scandalizing those residents of Tel Aviv who have never seen the slide at Dizengoff Center that emanates from a giant plastic elephant’s digestive track. The Daily Freier was in the area anyway so the story kind of wrote itself.

“I just feel that naming a dog washery after a slang word for a sex act is just inappropriate.” noted Rafi C., who acknowledged that he rarely goes to Dizengoff Center and therefore has never seen the slide on the playground that exits a fake elephant’s butt.

“This is just too much for Tel Aviv” stated Yonatan P. , who admitted that not only has he not seen the Dizengoff Center Elephant Butt Slide, but that he missed the Haaretz Concert last March where a performance artist placed a flag in his butt and pelted the audience with oranges (This REALLY REALLY Happened)

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the name. I think it’s great!” stated alert local Ronit S., as she brought her basset hound into the facility for a bath. While washing her pup, named “Chris”, she added that she is currently working at a Start-Up that does worldwide job placement for Christian Outreach organizations called “Missionary Positions“.

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living July 22, 2016January 15, 2021

Tel Aviv trademarks its “Dry Pee on the Sidewalk” scent

By Aaron Pomerantz and Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/22/2016 at 5:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Allenby: The City of Tel Aviv just took deliberate steps to safeguard a critical aspect of its culture and “Brand” today: that smell of dried pee that permeates every sidewalk, especially Allenby Street. Early this morning Tel Aviv registered as a Trade-Mark the smell of dried urine on a hot and dusty sidewalk that makes Tel Aviv so special. Municipality Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. took the Daily Freier on a walking tour of Central Tel Aviv this morning as she explained the City’s endeavor.

“We had to act quickly” explained Safir. “We heard that Athens and Rome were trying to muscle us out of the industry. And ever since Greece sued other countries that made feta cheese (NOTE: This really happened), we knew that they meant business. Rome and Athens are fine I guess. But I’m sorry. It’s just not the same as smelling a Tel Aviv sidewalk on a hot summer afternoon.”

The Daily Freier asked Safir how Tel Aviv’s streets were different from other countries where the sidewalks smell like pee. “I can’t quite explain it., but not all sidewalks that smell like pee are the same. Some say it’s our Mediterranean diet. Some say it’s the coffee hafuch. Some say it’s the hummus. Some say its the chutzpah. All I can say is that if you have never experienced Tel Aviv in the Summer, you need to come smell the Excitement!“

As Safir walked us around, she stopped at one particularly bad-smelling alley between Allenby and Shuk HaCarmel and started looking at the sidewalk. “Wait….. there is a hint of sunflower seeds and bamba in the aroma here. I think I know the artist who created this!” Safir then turned toward a middle aged heavyset man reading a newspaper at a nearby taxi stand. “Shlomo! Was this you????” she asked in mock anger, at which point the man grinned sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.

The City of Tel Aviv claims that it will begin marketing the scent at those kiosks that sell Dead Sea Products all over the world. They also plan on marketing automobile air fresheners that make your car smell like the Number 5 Sherut.

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Beaches of Tel Aviv, HaTzarfatim July 21, 2016July 21, 2016

How to Tan like the French!

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mia Deych, with Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/21/2016 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: If you’ve ever heard of the French diet also known as the ‘French paradox’ (the observation of low coronary heart disease (CHD) death rates despite high intake of dietary cholesterol and saturated fat – This phrase was copy/pasted. Thank you, Google), you are probably aware of how many contradictions and how much mystery there is about the French.

Typical Tzarfatim are easily spotted in Tel Aviv, neither because they are cooing in French, nor because men’s hair is perfectly messy and women’s outfits are out-of-this-world trendy, but rather because they are unbelievably TAN. By that we mean not just a “I’ve been to the beach a lot” tan, but a very specific shade of brown with a hint of clove and a whiff of cherries and black currants. We would even call this colour ‘Burgundy‘, but we are not French, so we don’t dare.

So how does one achieve this branded shade? The Daily Freier compiled a list of “Do’s and Don’ts“.

Do’s:

1. Hang out with French people, eat at French-owned restaurants, and buy French products.

2. Become fashionably religious, keep traditions strictly (like Kashrut or Shabbat), but do it gracefully.

3. Keep on being slightly condescending, but add a solid touch of the Israeli chutzpah.

4. Be very proud of being French, but insist on speaking solely in Hebrew with all non-French people.

5. Spend a lot (read: “all“) of your time at Lala-Land Restaurant on Frischman Beach.

6. The corner of Bograshov and Ben Yehuda is the new Center of your Universe.

Don’ts:

1. Don’t even try to do everything above. You do not have the panache to make this work.

///////

De mes plus sincères salutations,

Mia Deych

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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.