(Photo Credit: Lee Saunders)
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 4/19/2017 at 3:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Geula: After the success of “Hotdudesandhummus“, the various “Hot Israeli Army girls“, and “Hot Israeli guys” pages, Israel and the entire Jewish World are going crazy for the newest Instagram phenomenon: “Hot Israelis cutting you in Line“. The Daily Freier walked the streets to find out just what the buzz is all about.
As we walked past Geula Street, we immediately saw an opportunity to submit a photo of our own, as a rather dapper guy (named “Guy”) was busy sidling himself toward the front of a long line “because I just have a question“. And the reaction to Guy’s chutzpadik ranged the spectrum. At the back of the line, Neve Tzedek artist Dalit was not happy at all. “Who does this man think he is? He is acting like he owns the place……It’s as if he thinks that having amazing facial hair gives some sort of privilege.”
On the other hand, alert local Ronit S., whom Guy eased past in line on totally false pretenses, was rather smitten. “The way he just walked parallel to the line pretending to talk to the stranger in front of me before easing in the line between us. This guy is an expert line-cutter.” Ronit noted as she twirled her hair and looked at the line’s latest intruder. “Also he seems kind of familiar. I think we might have umm…. nifgashnu… in the Army.”
With the success of “Hot Israelis cutting you in Line“, the developers plan to roll out several other pages for the Summer season, including “Hot Israelis hitting you in the head with a speeding matkot ball“, “Hot Israelis parking their cars on your sidewalk“, and “Hot Israelis almost knocking you over with their electric bicycles“.
By Mia Deych and Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 4/8/2017 at 6:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Sderot Ben Gurion: Citizens of Tel Aviv who decided to saunter on Sderot Ben Gurion on a recent sunny afternoon encountered multiple handmade posters explaining directions to a very specific spot. As for the women of Tel Aviv, the meaning of the poster was quite obvious and their reactions varied from laughing to blushing. But for most Tel Aviv men it still remains a mystery.
The Daily Freier couldn’t miss an opportunity to speak with the city’s baffled male citizens. First, we approached Tal, a married father of two, who was pushing his twins in a stroller. “I’m not sure what this poster means. Is that a new campaign for Waze? They keep coming out with new updates!”
Nadav, who was hauling a few bags of beer from the AM:PM store, stopped and joined our conversation. “I’m not quite sure what it is either but I think it’s…well, you know…emmm…a map of Shuk HaCarmel”. Nadav put his bags on the ground and removed the poster from the street sign in order to add it to his, as he said, “collection of funny stuff”.
Recent Tel Avivi Guy corroborated Nadav’s concerns. “This is so familiar! Yet it’s still a mystery! I know! Let’s post it to Secret Tel Aviv and let the entire city crowdsource the answer!” (SPOILER ALERT: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED)
As we walked down Ben Gurion, we caught alert local Ronit S. in the act of putting up one of the posters on the corner of Ben Yehuda. “Okay Okay, now you know. I can’t keep the secret any longer. I drew the poster. My ex lives on Ben Gurion and that was my message for him….and also my three previous ex boyfriends.”
(This photo was not taken in Israel)
By Emily Goldstein and Mark Levy
Last Updated 3/4/2017 at 9:30 PM
Dizengoff Center: The popular dating App “Tinder” just announced a shocking revelation about its Israeli market: that fully 90% of all fantasies of users in Greater Tel Aviv involve Tel Aviv actually getting a real Apple Store. Not a knockoff. Not a place that “sends your computer to a lab”. A real Apple Store. Like with a Genius Bar. The Daily Freier went ahead and read some of the hotter testimonials.
A guy named Rami K., who just got busted at Ben Gurion trying to bring the new iPhone back from the States, went into some pretty graphic details. “So in my dream I meet these really hot twins at the beach. And they’re here on a MASA program. And they believe all of my lines about being a combat soldier and owning a Startup… And then they invite me back to their apartment. To ‘watch a movie’. But when I walk in, it’s actually an Apple Store….. and then they…. I’m sorry but this is just too freaky….They fix my MacBook Pro in less than 4 weeks and for less than the cost of buying a new one.”
Then there was Shlomi, who recently switched from trolling Secret Tel Aviv to Tinder. “So in my dream, I get transported to a place that calls itself ‘Startup Nation’. And in this dream, people don’t fly to America to buy a MacBook Air because….. I mean this is kind of weird right?….. the cost of the MacBook Air in Startup Nation is less than the combined cost of the MacBook Air in New York plus a flight ticket….is there like something wrong with me or something?”
The Daily Freier even found out that one of the people sharing their deepest secrets was our very own Guest Writer Mia Deych. “So I keep having this incredibly vivid dream where I meet this guy. And he takes me on an actual date. Like he pays for it and everything. In Tel Aviv. Weird, right? And after dinner we go for a walk and somehow end up in Dizengoff Center Mall. And instead of that ridiculous ‘I-Store’ there was a real no-kidding Apple Store. With helpful and knowledgeable employees. And big giant windows. And they had the latest Apple TV. Oh, and at the end of the dream we were able to find our way out of Dizengoff Center.”
Welcome to Israel.
(Sort of Based on a True Story, so we sort of changed the names! DM us for the real ones!)
By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 8:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Savidor: Sincere fan of Israel and Israeli life “Alison” is bound and determined to make Aliyah, but as a Gentile in semi-good standing, she faces a very uphill fight. Yet Alison has never let small details get in the way of her goals. In fact, Alison is now on her way to the Jewish Agency and Nefesh B’ Nefesh in Jerusalem to plead this case under her very unique reading of the Law of Return, specifically the “hands-on support” she provided to a certain lucky dude in the Israel Defense Force’s Golani Brigade off and on for most of last year. The Daily Freier caught up with Alison at Savidor Bus Terminal as she prepared to take a bus to Jerusalem to present her case.
“I honestly don’t know what the big deal is. I mean I love it here. I really like Passover Seders. I love love love Purim. And besides, Nefesh B’Nefesh already decided to accept your Catholic friend from back home who everyone always thought was kinda Jewish anyway. So there’s like precedent and stuff. Also, I can’t wait to start an Aliyah Blog. Nobody ever does that. It will be unique!”
When the Daily Freier challenged Alison that Aliyah is a difficult task even for Jews and must be supported with documentation, she quickly looked us in the eye and cut us off mid-sentence. “Oh, I’ve earned this. Believe me….. I’ve earned this.”
Meanwhile, the Golani soldier at the center of this case who we’ll call “Yonatan”, could not be reached as he was currently on hardship duty, chaperoning a Birthright trip through the Negev. Yet this case has already had dramatic repercussions beyond Golani to units throughout the IDF. Upon hearing of our heroine Alison’s travails, a spokesperson from the Paratroopers indicated that they have extended Liberty next weekend and will be around Tel Aviv by Thursday….plus they have better boots.
UPDATE: In an unexpected bit of good news, the clerk at the Jewish Agency who received Alison’s application also served in Golani so he fast-tracked her Aliyah package……And Oh by the Way, sent her a very…. personal photo…. via fax.
By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 7:00 PM
Nunnelly, Tennessee: Troubled former Congressman/Freakiest Jew we know/Twitter aficionado/Huma’s Ex, Anthony Weiner is in the spotlight once again, after a filly he rode at his sex addiction clinic claimed that they have been engaged in an online sexting relationship since soon after his arrival at the rural Tennessee locale. “Lightning”, a 3-year-old Palomino, claims that she first initiated contact with Mr. Weiner based on her admiration for his progressive values, but that the conversation quickly took a different turn.
“When Anthony first got here, I was just so excited. I followed him in Congress when he stood up for Medicaid and 9/11 First Responders, and just wanted to thank him for everything he did for the Progressive Cause. I never thought things would get weird and sexual. OK….. I mean we’re talking Anthony Weiner, so I thought ‘ Hey, maybe things will get weird and sexual‘, but then I was like ‘But hey! I’m a horse!‘ You know what I’m saying?”
Yet that is exactly what happened. Lightning, who won’t be a mare until next Spring, continued. “Soon our chats got freakier and freakier. I knew things were spinning out of control when he asked for pictures of me posing without a saddle.”
As the Daily Freier dug deeper into the story, Lightning admitted that she leaked the story after finding out that Mr. Weiner was also exchanging texts with a Clydesdale named Ruby, an Apaloosa named Far Lap, and a Shetland Pony. “So yeah. Not only was he a bit of a freak, but he was a two, three, four-timing freak.” Lightning stopped for a moment to pick at the alfalfa in her feed bag. “Meeting a nice guy shouldn’t be this difficult.”
When the Daily Freier challenged Lightning that her story was a bit incredulous, she countered. “What…You never heard of a talking horse?”
Washington: Top Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abdedin is in a bit of a pickle lately after leaked emails reveal that she had some not-so-nice things to say about the American Israel Public Affairs Council (AIPAC). Ms. Abedin, the brilliant Washington insider who married and had a child with the underwear selfie artist formerly known as Anthony Weiner AKA “Carlos Danger”, referred to AIPAC as “that crowd“.
(THE DAILY FREIER APPEARS ON ISRAELLYCOOL TODAY! CHECK IT OUT HERE!)
(photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 9/11/2016 at 1:00 PM
Tel Aviv: A million years removed from The Shtetl and Fiddler on the Roof, a survey this week underlined the relationship issues facing many Tel Avivians in the modern Internet Age: An inability to sustain relationships and concentrate on one person at a time as the nation faces an increasingly worrying marriage and demographic crisis.
The Government’s survey of 21-45 year-olds showed 83% of all respondents from Ramat Aviv to Bat Yam reported issues of commitment with many asking the lovely non-judgmental question of “Why are you still single?” on the first date. This was widely considered the death knell for a second date at Cofix.
“I thought it was a pretty legitimate question.” noted Adina, 21. “I mean he WAS 24. And he’s been back from India for almost a year now.”
Anat (40, Givatayim, Pisces) has been one-too-many times on the receiving end of the ever-charming “Why haven’t you had kids yet?“. So last week while on a second date with a serious Sephardi named Itzhik (35, Petach Tivkvah, Bored) she just snapped. “So he asked me why I don’t have kids yet… And I told him that I wasn’t allowed to keep the ones I found loitering outside the AM:PM Store. Apparently he didn’t appreciate the joke…. But at least I was polite. When my cousin Gal’s boyfriend asked her about having children, she told him that she quite liked the way her ‘downstairs’ looked and certainly didn’t want a damn extension.”
But it gets worse. When 24-year old Tali (Neve Tzedek, Aries, Broke) begged to know why 29-year old Liran (His Parents’ House in Ramat Gan) was not in a serious relationship, she was not impressed with his reply that while he enjoyed the thrill of the chase, he only just now realized that Pokemon wasn’t real.
The Internet, which has given birth to a raft of dating apps from Tinder to Grindr, is Cupid’s favorite arrow in Tel Aviv. Yet things seem much better in Jerusalem where couples as young as 36 were celebrating their first child’s
Wedding Bar Mitzvah. Maybe it is time for the return of the Matchmaker.