Category: Dating and Relationships

“But I hooked up with a Golani!” American gentile woman pleads case for Aliyah

“But I hooked up with a Golani!” American gentile woman pleads case for Aliyah

(Sort of Based on a True Story, so we sort of changed the names! DM us for the real ones!)

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 8:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Savidor: Sincere fan of Israel and Israeli life “Alison” is bound and determined to make Aliyah, but as a Gentile in semi-good standing, she faces a very uphill fight. Yet Alison has never let small details get in the way of her goals. In fact, Alison is now on her way to the Jewish Agency and Nefesh B’ Nefesh in Jerusalem to plead this case under her very unique reading of the Law of Return, specifically the “hands-on support” she provided to a certain lucky dude in the Israel Defense Force’s Golani Brigade off and on for most of last year.  The Daily Freier caught up with Alison at Savidor Bus Terminal as she prepared to take a bus to Jerusalem to present her case.

I honestly don’t know what the big deal is. I mean I love it here.  I really like Passover Seders. I love love love Purim. And besides, Nefesh B’Nefesh already decided to accept your Catholic friend from back home who everyone always thought was kinda Jewish anyway. So there’s like precedent and stuff. Also, I can’t wait to start an Aliyah Blog. Nobody ever does that. It will be unique!”

When the Daily Freier challenged Alison that Aliyah is a difficult task even for Jews and must be supported with documentation, she quickly looked us in the eye and cut us off mid-sentence. “Oh, I’ve earned this. Believe me….. I’ve earned this.

Meanwhile, the Golani soldier at the center of this case who we’ll call “Yonatan”, could not be reached as he was currently on hardship duty, chaperoning a Birthright trip through the Negev. Yet this case has already had dramatic repercussions beyond Golani to units throughout the IDF. Upon hearing of our heroine Alison’s travails, a spokesperson from the Paratroopers indicated that they have extended Liberty next weekend and will be around Tel Aviv by Thursday….plus they have better boots.

UPDATE: In an unexpected bit of good news, the clerk at the Jewish Agency who received Alison’s application also served in Golani so he fast-tracked her Aliyah package……And Oh by the Way, sent her a very…. personal photo…. via fax.

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Anthony Weiner busted for sexting underage horse

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 7:00 PM

Nunnelly, Tennessee: Troubled former Congressman/Freakiest Jew we know/Twitter aficionado/Huma’s Ex, Anthony Weiner is in the spotlight once again, after a filly he rode at his sex addiction clinic claimed that they have been engaged in an online sexting relationship since soon after his arrival at the rural Tennessee locale. “Lightning”, a 3-year-old Palomino, claims that she first initiated contact with Mr. Weiner based on her admiration for his progressive values, but that the conversation quickly took a different turn.

When Anthony first got here, I was just so excited. I followed him in Congress when he stood up for Medicaid and 9/11 First Responders, and just wanted to thank him for everything he did for the Progressive Cause. I never thought things would get weird and sexual.  OK….. I mean we’re talking Anthony Weiner, so I thought ‘ Hey, maybe things will get weird and sexual‘, but then I was like ‘But hey! I’m a horse!‘ You know what I’m saying?

Yet that is exactly what happened.  Lightning, who won’t be a mare until next Spring, continued. “Soon our chats got freakier and freakier. I knew things were spinning out of control when he asked for pictures of me posing without a saddle.”

As the Daily Freier dug deeper into the story, Lightning admitted that she leaked the story after finding out that Mr. Weiner was also exchanging texts with a Clydesdale named Ruby, an Apaloosa named Far Lap, and a Shetland Pony. “So yeah. Not only was he a bit of a freak, but he was a two, three, four-timing freak.” Lightning stopped for a moment to pick at the alfalfa in her feed bag. “Meeting a nice guy shouldn’t be this difficult.

When the Daily Freier challenged Lightning that her story was a bit incredulous, she countered. “What…You never heard of a talking horse?”

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Woman Who Chose to Marry Anthony Weiner Thinks AIPAC Is Tacky

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Washington: Top Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abdedin is in a bit of a pickle lately after leaked emails reveal that she had some not-so-nice things to say about the American Israel Public Affairs Council (AIPAC). Ms. Abedin, the brilliant Washington insider who married and had a child with the underwear selfie artist formerly known as Anthony Weiner AKA “Carlos Danger”, referred to AIPAC as “that crowd“.

(THE DAILY FREIER APPEARS ON ISRAELLYCOOL TODAY! CHECK IT OUT HERE!)

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“Tal, do you love me?” “I’m Sorry, what was the question?”

“Tal, do you love me?” “I’m Sorry, what was the question?” Daily Freier Tel Aviv

(photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 9/11/2016 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv: A million years removed from The Shtetl and Fiddler on the Roof, a survey this week underlined the relationship issues facing many Tel Avivians in the modern Internet Age: An inability to sustain relationships and concentrate on one person at a time as the nation faces an increasingly worrying marriage and demographic crisis.

The Government’s survey of 21-45 year-olds showed 83% of all respondents from Ramat Aviv to Bat Yam reported issues of commitment with many asking the lovely non-judgmental question of “Why are you still single?” on the first date. This was widely considered the death knell for a second date at Cofix.

I thought it was a pretty legitimate question.” noted Adina, 21. “I mean he WAS 24. And he’s been back from India for almost a year now.

Anat (40, Givatayim, Pisces) has been one-too-many times on the receiving end of  the ever-charming “Why haven’t you had kids yet?“.  So last week while on a second date with a serious Sephardi named Itzhik (35, Petach Tivkvah, Bored) she just snapped. “So he asked me why I don’t have kids yet… And I told him that I wasn’t allowed to keep the ones I found loitering outside the AM:PM Store. Apparently he didn’t appreciate the joke…. But at least I was polite. When my cousin Gal’s boyfriend asked her about having children, she told him that she quite liked the way her ‘downstairs’ looked and certainly didn’t want a damn extension.

But it gets worse. When 24-year old Tali (Neve Tzedek, Aries, Broke) begged to know why 29-year old Liran (His Parents’ House in Ramat Gan) was not in a serious relationship, she was not impressed with his reply that while he enjoyed the thrill of the chase, he only just now realized that Pokemon wasn’t real.

The Internet, which has given birth to a raft of dating apps from Tinder to Grindr, is Cupid’s favorite arrow in Tel Aviv. Yet things seem much better in Jerusalem where couples as young as 36 were celebrating their first child’s Wedding Bar Mitzvah. Maybe it is time for the return of the Matchmaker.

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Tel Aviv Startup Launches ‘Al-Qaedate”: a dating App for the Lonely Jihadists of the Sinai

New Dating App for Lonely ISIS men of the SInai Daily Freier

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/8/2016 at 3:20 PM

Sinai Peninsula: A Tel Aviv-based startup has launched a hot new dating app called Al-Qaedate. At first blush, it seems to be quite similar to Tinder (pictures, swiping, matching, chatting), but as explained to us by one of the developers, Ido, it’s obviously NOT.

The dating scene in Sinai is quite hot, but the opportunities are dry.” explained Ido as we met him for a cup of coffee near Azrieli Center. “That’s why we launched Al-Qaedate. One of the key features of the app is that it’s designed for both sheep and human, and they have equal opportunities to swipe left or un-match those whose behavior turns shady or inappropriate.”

Just to be sure, The Daily Freier went down to the dusty paths of Sinai to find out what’s going on for ourselves. Once there, we met up with recent ISIS recruit Achmad, a big fan of the app. Achmad introduced us to his current sheepfriend, whom he met thanks to the new app.  She asked to be referred to in this story by her Online Profile “WadiGirlRepresenting” because her family is “like super old-school“. WadiGirl explained what drew her to the app. “Guys around here are ridiculous. This one guy seemed nice, but he swiped right on me and then the next week on one of my girlfriends from back at the Oasis. I mean, we’re in the same flock…..We talk.” Then WadiGirl’s conversation turned to a more serious subject. “I just got out of a toxic relationship with a guy from al-Nusra” she disclosed as her voice cracked. “I’m looking for someone who has real feelings and respects me as a sheep, not as someone just to pass time with.” Achmad encouragingly hugged WadiGirl and whispered something in her ear.

Other members of ISIS have high expectations on the new app, too. “I used to be on Tinder, but most of the sheep look nothing like their pictures.” noted Hasan. “No full body shots, just angles and side views. Or pictures with their girlfriends from the same flock. How can I guess who she is? And why do they always write ‘Serious Guys Only?’ I’m not ready for commitment.  I mean, life’s been hectic recently…..drone strikes, schisms within Jihadist organizations based on whether to immediately pursue a Caliphate, stuff like that. I just hope this new app offers more choices.”

Back in Tel Aviv, we confronted the Management of Al-Qaedate for aiding the Enemy and told them that they were bringing more shame to Israel than any other business.  But then they reminded us about FOREX.

 

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Tel Aviv woman delays breakup with mazgan repairman boyfriend until Sukkot

Tel Aviv Woman break up mazgan boyfriend Sukkot Daily Freier

By Mia Deych and Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/12/2016 at 11:10 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Yesterday our Dating and Relationships  columnists Emily and Mia caught up over coffee with their friend Noa from Ulpan. Noa, a returning Israeli who grew up in New York, has been dating an air conditioning repairman named Avi since June. And things aren’t going that well. But she’s not ready to give up on the relationship yet, because it’s still kind of hot out and stuff. Noa had a lot to say on this topic and we didn’t actually get a chance to say more than four words in three hours, but we did get to stalk the guy on Facebook while Noa told her story.

“So we met and then spent like two days in a row together. On the second afternoon his mom and aunt picked us up and we drove to Petah Tikvah for his cousin’s wedding. At first I didn’t think we were actually going to a wedding because he was wearing flip-flops, cutoff jeans and a white tee-shirt. But in Avi’s defense, the groom was wearing a tank top.”

Noa explained her mixed feelings. “So he’s good on paper for a Tel Aviv guy.  I mean it’s not like he actually has his shit together. He lives with four roommates and a friendly mold colony in their shower.  He still brings his laundry home to his mom in Holon on the weekends.  But  he studies at Open University from home. He wants to open his own business.  So he has potential. Maybe I should just give it some time. Like, you know, until the First Rain or something.”

So after coffee we all ordered pancakes and Noa began to feel a bit nostalgic. “We’ve had some good times together. Like the time in July when he replaced the coolant unit on my mazgan…..And the time 2 weeks ago when he replaced the filters. He’s really good with his hands.” Noa leaned in closer and dropped her voice to a whisper. “I mean MAMASH good.

But we’ve been together like 7 weeks. In Tel Aviv.  That’s the equivalent of 2 years on Planet Earth.” Noa checked the seven-day weather forecast on her I-Phone. “Things have cooled a bit.” Noa paused. “Between me and Avi I mean………I just don’t feel like we’re meant to be together.”

Later on, Emily and Mia ran into Avi on the street, who shared that he knows his relationship with Noa is in trouble, but he has a backup plan: trolling Secret Tel Aviv looking for women who need help installing shelves or hanging pictures.  Emily thinks Avi is kind of cute and wants to check back with him after Sukkot. Like, just to make sure he’s Okay and stuff.

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Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date’s living room

Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date's living room

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/3/2016 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Bialik Street: A complex yet disturbing chain of events played out last night in Tel Aviv that culminated in a woman discovering that the “gross” couch that she threw away on Friday has somehow found a new home in the living room of her Tinder date.  Rothschild-Area Web Designer Tamar B. found herself face to face with her former couch at the end of an evening spent getting drinks with local guy Eitan C.  This morning Tamar described the chain of events to the Daily Freier.

“I threw it away because it’s disgusting. My old housemate Noa loved it, but apparently not enough to bring it with her when she moved out.  I even waited 24 hours after she left before I got rid of that thing, just in case she came back for it.  It was so gross that my Vaad Bayit wouldn’t even take it.

Tamar expressed total disappointment with her date’s acquisition of the former couch. “This sucks. He seemed normal. I mean not ‘normal normal‘, but like ‘Tel Aviv normal‘: like he seems sane and I think he has a job and I’m kinda sure he’s straight.  Actually, I’m sure he’s straight because that chair is a stylistic Hate Crime.

When the evening led back to Eitan’s place “so he could make me a special coffee with cardamom that he learned how to make in Morocco“, Tamar experienced the horror of confronting her ex-furniture. “It was traumatic. He immediately lost 10 points.  What’s worse is that he claimed he got it at an antique shop in Yafo.  I mean…reallyI just don’t get it. Why do these things always happen to me?”

While Tamar has been mum on the final outcome of yesterday’s evening, sources within her circle of girlfriends spoke with the Daily Freier under condition of anonymity and shared screenshots of Tamar’s texts from last night

Tinder couch text Daily Freier

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