Category: Dating and Relationships

Local Man discovers that Secret Tel Aviv is not just a Corona Dating Site

*Disclaimer: The man in this story is NOT the man in the photo! Please don’t get mad at him! (We sort of have a history of messing these things up.)

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/25/2020 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Today a Tel Aviv man discovered something amazing: that the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv has purposes other than being an impromptu Corona Dating Site. You see, for the past month, people returning from abroad have gone on Secret Tel Aviv to, umm, “spice up” their Quarantine arrangements. Some dude even had a Lady Friend advertising him to potential partners, explaining that he was hot and there was “Yoga and Books” at his place. Then ANOTHER guy advertised his Corona Pad to potential candidates, with something about kombucha and naked sunbathing. So one could forgive Start-Up employee/surfer Danny S. for not knowing that Secret Tel Aviv actually does other things. Danny took time out of his busy schedule to explain his moment of clarity with the Daily Freier.

So I found a woman’s credit card, and I went on Secret Tel Aviv to meet her and return it. But, ehhm, I also mentioned that I wear a Size 44 Shoe.” Danny grinned mischieviously. “Get it? Get it?” (REAL LIFE ALERT: A dude just did this.)

The Daily Freier tried to focus Danny on just what he discovered on Secret Tel Aviv that was different from his perception. “Oh yeah!” Danny exclaimed. “So I was looking around the site and saw all this other stuff. I thought, ‘Hey, I can swap apartments, find a yoga class, and sell my stuff.’ I never knew! You can even ask for a home-pedicure during Lockdown!” (REAL LIFE ALERT: A woman just did this.)

The Daily Freier wanted to get more of “The Big Picture” so we asked one of our female readers just what the heck was going on, and she explained. “Corona 2020 is basically ‘guy who ghosted me in 2017′ suddenly coming out of the woodwork with new shitty invitations. Total sweetheart in my inbox just thinking about my health during this pandemic, offering to come straight to my bedroom for safety purposes. ‘No problem, in the Corona time we date in the car or house so your choice.’ ….Please kill me.”

This is even better than the time Secret Tel Aviv opened a Sperm Bank.

Dating tips with Roxy: Coronavirus Edition!

In 2016, the Daily Freier was contacted by a mystery woman named Roxy. She had great ideas for a dating/advice website. Alas, we lost touch with the Brazilian Carrie Bradshaw of Tel Aviv, until we actually met her at a bar in 2019. Yada Yada Yada, Roxy introduced us to a very…..Tel Avivian line of Barbie Dolls living in sin together somewhere in the Kerem. Now Roxy is back answering the question on everyone’s minds: How can I get my freak on during a Plague Outbreak? So without further ado, here’s her advice!

*Enjoy! This might be our final Season!

** NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!!


For the Boys: If there was a time in the history of humanity when being a toy boy or a fuck boy was useless, that time is now.  There was one reason why any woman tolerated your general bad personality: dick. So here is some general advice: pretend to be an okay human being during this difficult time for humanity and convince a female to carry your possible descendants when this crisis is over. The only chance you have to establish a connection and then have some possible future sexual opportunity with a consenting female is to talk to her, even if this is truly painful for you. So chat with the girls. Try to avoid questions like where is she now, cause…. duh. Also, avoid asking her for selfies cause, dude, we all look like fucking alpacas right now. We can’t go to the hairdresser, the nail salon, nothing. So just visit her Instagram and see pictures for your ummm, pleasure. If you FaceTime her, try to keep the camera away from your eyes so she won’t see your pupils opening wide and realize you’re a psychopath.

For the Girls: Until we find a way to detach our pussies and send them to the boys via ‘Wolt’, men feel under no obligation to chat with us, see us, or establish any sort of social dance we need to provide them with 3 sexual opportunities before they prefer the free-spirited, lice-infested teenager he met at the kombucha bar. So if there is a gentleman talking to you during this time, move him immediately to the top of your list and have this in mind if you both survive the current crisis: In case you FaceTime him, make sure you don’t mention your middle name is Ashley and none of the details on why your broke up with Satan, a.k.a. your ex, so he won’t know that you’re batshit craaaaazyyy.

Have y’all a great coronacation. Bless your lungs. Wash your hands.


Got dating questions for Roxy? Just “Ask Roxy” at daily.freier@gmail.com

 

Introducing: The Israeli Barbie Collection!

By Roxy Cruz

Last Updated 2/19/2020 at 7:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Who amongst us did not LOVE LOVE LOVE to play with Barbies when we were young? But for those of us living in Israel, the concept of a doll with a nice house, a car, and a real job just seemed…. unrealistic. Which is why we are really really excited to introduce this new line of Israeli Barbie dolls crreated by Tel Aviv’s very own Roxy Cruz!

Also, Israeli Spouse Barbie may or may not be based on Roxy’s life story.


Israeli Spouse Barbie: Left her well-paying job as a senior executive in Denmark to live with Yuval, a struggling poet and musician, in Shuk haCarmel. Comes with a free headset and a working contract in  Customer Service.

 

 

 

 


Yuval Melech HaShuk: Israeli Spouse Barbie’s partner. Comes with scratch-n-sniff “Festival in the Negev & Cannabis” scent.

Yuval’s bullshit Army stories that he tells Taglit Barbie sold separately.

Rumor has it that the Israeli Government exports its hottest/laziest men to Northern Europe in order to bring back experienced Customer Support Technicians in the form of their new girlfriends.

 

 


Barbie Sigalit: An Israeli bartender and aspiring actress who lives and has sex once in a while with 3 roommates. Has a recreational drug issue to treat her daddy issues, plus her issues because she wants to be Yemenite but is actually Ashkenazi. Barbie Sigalit has a dog that she refuses to look after, but she also wants to have a baby soon.

 

 

 


So if you CALL NOW and order Israeli Spouse Barbie & Ken Yuval Melech HáShuk, you also receive free of charge and unsolicited, Barbie Sigalit….since Ken Yuval convinced Barbie Israeli Spouse to try polyamory so he can keep Barbie Sigalit, too.

Also, you get the free darbuka from their living room that nobody in the house knows how to play.

 

The Daily Freier presents: Where are they now? Canine Edition.

Back in 2017, Sissi the Angry Rescue Dog taught us that using Secret Tel Aviv to get laid isn’t just for humans. Two years ago, a guy tried to find a “Missed Connection”. For his dog. Naturally we decided to troll him and yada yada yada, somehow ended up agreeing to help find Chaim, the Bashert of his beloved dog Sissi. Because Tikkun Olam.

Anyhoo, the Daily Freier wrote the most amazing story as we doggedly (Get it? Get it?) set out to help Sissi the anti-social Kalvah find Chaim the dog of her dreams.

Then the Magic of the Internets did its work. Chaim’s owner even chimed in and posted Chaim’s back-story.  On Secret Tel Aviv, naturally. Everything was moving toward a real Shidduch.

So… they had quite a few dates. All seemed well. Tail wagging, sniffing of the important parts… and then one day Sissi was over him. Not sure what happened… maybe the age difference was too much. He had a lot of energy and she just wanted a calm life.

Then Sissi’s dads moved a couple of blocks down the road, but she’s so lazy that she won’t walk all the way to their old meeting place anymore.

UN orders Beth Mynett’s husband to unilaterally withdraw from Ilhan Omar

By Emily Goldstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/4/2019 at 2:30 PM

New York City, Turtle Bay: The United Nations General Assembly acted forcefully today, passing a resolution ordering Beth Mynett’s husband to unilaterally withdraw from Ilhan Omar. According to divorce papers filed by Ms. Beth Mynett, it appears that some people did something her husband Tim was having an affair with Everyone’s Favorite Congresswoman/Walking Telanovela.

UN Secretary General António Guterres was adament at this morning’s Press Conference:  “The International Community stands as one and demands that Mr. Tim Mynett withdraw immediately from Ms. Omar. The United Nations hereby condemns this Occupation and the subsequent refugee status of Beth. This entire situation is such a……such a……Naqba.”

Reaction to this bombshell was contentious, with Congresswoman Omar blaming the Jooz denouncing the United Nations Resolution: “I am under no obligation to return Tim to his original co-habitant. You act like she has a Right of Return.” As the Congresswoman said ‘Right of Return‘, she made air quotes with her fingers. When reporters reminded Ms. Omar that Tim was now in violation of a UN resolution, she replied “או’ם שמום“.

For his part, Mr. Mynett denied any wrongdoing, claiming that he was actually just Ilhan’s brother.

Who says you need Hebrew to land a high-paying job?

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 2/27/2018 at 10:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: Finally, a job that understands me! “ Dovid C., a Ramat Beit Shemesh resident enthused about a cryptic job posting which appeared on Janglo, Secret Jerusalem and Keep Olim in Israel. The post, which received 20,000 hits in the first two minutes after it was posted, promised a high salary, short work hours and stipulated no other qualifications other than the ability to speak English. Curiously enough, applicants were also asked to send a current photo and a list of favorite restaurants.

I have a lot to offer employers, I mean, I speak English….. that’s worth a lot, I deserve to be paid at least as much as someone with a master’s degree… because I speak English!” said Dovid, who has extensive job experience as a dog walker, a waiter for his uncle’s catering company and as a Bar Mitzvah tutor. Also, as he reminded the Daily Freier, he speaks English. Therefore, Dovid, along with thousands of other hopefuls, confidently sent in his application.

The Daily Freier did some investigating (OK, we admit it… we sent in a resume too.) and discovered that the job posting was a ruse concocted by Rivky J., a shadchanit. “So, I have this really cute single cousin in Netanya. But she’s a little shy, so I thought this would be a great way to find some guys to introduce her to.” she explained. “By the way, that’s us in the picture above.

Well the people of Israel did not take this deception very well at all. In fact, the reaction was quite swift, starting with a leading high-tech staffing firm in the Mercaz, who offered Rivky a job as a recruiter, citing her keen abilities in make false promises and lead people on. “I don’t want to be a recruiter!” Rivky protested. “All the guys I interviewed kept talking about what they expected… gluten-free cappuccino and organic cotton office chairs. I’d rather stick to a field where people have realistic expectations… you know, like shidduchim.

“Is she Shomre Negiyah or does she just think you’re gross?” A guide for the perplexed

The Daily Freier explores Judaism(Photo Credit: The Cornelia Foundation)

By Chava Ewa and Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 12/21/2017 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv: It’s the question that so many men are asking today: Is she Shomer Negiya or does she just not want to touch me?” Avi G., an office worker from Givatayim is unwilling to admit that Roni, his new co-worker is simply ‘not into him’.  At all. “She must be some sort of religious fanatic who won’t touch men.” lamented Avi. “I mean, why else would she refuse to give me a hug?

The Daily Freier sat down with Roni at Cafe Aroma for a nice girl chat, and she admitted that although she isn’t actually religious, a bit of Yiddishkeit is actually a good reason to avoid awkward social interactions with creepy male co-workers. “Avi is loud and tells bad jokes and his cologne smells like the inside of Tel Aviv’s central bus station.” she said “He kept inviting me for coffee, but he stopped since I told him that all the coffee shops around here have a bad hecscher. He tries to hug me, so I told him that shomer negiyah is very important to me.” Roni, who now goes by her new Hebrew name “Neshama Emunah Temima“, admits that pretending to be religious has lots of other perks. “I told my boss that I needed the day off for the fast of Asara b’Teves and he agreed…. I don’t think he even knows what the fast of Asara b’Teves is, but you know, it sounds plausible and hey… it’s a day off!

In addition to the workplace, Roni’s status as a sort-ofbaalat teshuva has proven invaluable in other spheres of life as well. “My roommate just got back from India and thinks that she’s a curry expert now… So pretending to keep Kosher is the nicest way to avoid eating her garbage kitchen experiments.” she explained. 

Yet this new life did not come easy. “I took the bus to Jerusalem so I could to meet up with my frum American cousin Esty who is spending the year doing Sem. And I just followed her around for the day so I could copy what she wears and a few key phrases. Now I just pepper my conversation with phrases like Shidduchim, Refuah shelaima…. and a bunch of other things she showed me on A Sem Girl Says!

Epilogue: Roni‘s co-workers have been very supportive of her new religious identity, although Fabricio, a former model and recent Oleh from Spain “with the really cute accent” was disappointed. “She seemed like a fun girl and I wanted to ask her out to the new bracelet bar. But you know…. I think she’s too religious. So instead I went with Maygal the Frecha office temp from Ashdod.

“Hey! Let’s write Fake News about a German guy & his Israeli husband who go on Secret Tel Aviv to get their prudish, legally blind, anti-social dog laid!”

*SPOILER ALERT: Everything in this Story is True.

SCENE: A pub somewhere in Central Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier staff are day-drinking.

Yuval Weiss, Editor:  I’m bored. Let’s make something up. Fake News. You know what would be a great story? A German dancer moves to Tel Aviv.

Mia Deych: OK, but with his Israeli husband.

Aaron Pomerantz: And he has a dog!

Mark Levy: Her name is Sissi! But she hates most other dogs!

Yekutiel Bornstein: Yeah! But Sissi really has a heart of gold! I mean, she is only angry because of her hard-luck upbringing in an American puppy mill. Also, she used to live in Austria.

Lee Saunders: But she is also legally blind. Like, she once attacked a plastic bag that she mistook for another dog.

Chava Ewa: Maybe her owner thinks that Sissi is actually trapped in the wrong body and is really a chain-smoking, whiskey drinking bar brawler. Oh yeah, and he wants to write a book about it.

Mia: But one day she meets the dog of her dreams in Florentin. His name is Haim. And he lives near Levinsky Street.

Emily Goldstein: Yes! But then her owner goes on Secret Tel Aviv to try to find the missed connection!

Yuval: Guys, let’s be serious. People don’t just log onto Secret Tel Aviv in order to arrange romantic hookups for their pets. Wait…. never mind. I guess they do. So where were we?

Aaron: So in order to make this happen, Sissi’s owner supplies the Daily Freier with Glamour Pics! Like for Tinder. Only for Dogs!

Mark: (Scribbling in a notebook) OMG. Tinder for dogs! That is an Amazing idea for a Start-Up!

(Gets up to leave.) I gotta go Beta-Test this.

Yuval: OK Good. I think we have a story. Let’s get chasers.

 

 

 

Woman from Petach Tikva really really trying to avoid saying she is from Petach Tikva

Woman from Petach Tikvah really really trying to avoid telling you she is from Petach Tikvah Daily FreierBy Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/29/2017 at 5:10 PM

Tel Aviv, Shuk HaCarmel: So this is a really cool place! That’s why Summer in Tel Aviv is so amazing: pop-up bars! Great music, cheap drinks. And the woman you’re talking to is really cool! Very chill. Seems fun. Good conversation.  Asking a lot of questions about you (good sign!). In fact, each time you ask her where she’s from, she changes the subject back to you. Kinda strange, but that’s OK. It’s almost as if she wants to talk about anything EXCEPT where she’s from. What’s up with that?

You: “So where are your from?”

Woman: It’s Northwest of Ramat Gan. You probably never heard of it. So do you like sports?

You: Oh that sounds really interesting! What’s it called?

Woman (Distracted): It’s South of Kfar Saba. Not important. Hey I like your shirt!

You: Wow! My cousin is from Kfar Saba! So what’s it called?

Woman: It’s a few kilometers north of Ben Gurion Airport. (Looking away) Hey, what song are they playing?

You: So what’s the name of your home town?

Woman (Annoyed): It’s Southeast of Herzliya. Hey, do you like hummus?

You: Wait. Are you from Petach Tikvah?”

Woman: I don’t understand the question.

UPDATE: Tel Aviv women LOVED our story comparing their exes to city buses. Men? Not so much.

Tel Aviv women buses guys Daily FreierBy Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/19/2017 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Central Bus Station: So last month the Daily Freier basically just sat in the corner with pen and paper while a couple of women talked. and talked. and talked .…published a story based on the observations of several Tel Aviv women and how their exes compare to the city’s bus lines. And the story received literally hundreds of likes and shares! And as many as four of them were from men! So yeah, there was a bit of a gender imbalance as to who, like, LOVED LOVED LOVED the story…. and who did not. Ladies of Tel Aviv, it appears you had a lot on your mind.

Daily Freier guest writer Mia Deych started off. “Bus 172. He takes you very close to Gordon beach. Like Ben Yehuda close. He stays out late on Fridays, but then he goes to Holon. Yeah, he hangs out in Tel Aviv all the time, but…. he lives in Holon. Still better than Lod or Ashkelon.

Next was local woman ‘Rose’ . “LMAO! love it! so true! the 189… the hot startup guy that thinks he’s too smart for you. But he’ll reluctantly take you around on his new shiny hoverboard.

Then there’s the 126. “Never quite sure if he’s right for you. Are your goals aligned? Or will he forget to turn and suddenly you’re stuck on the other side of the Yarkon?

It was at this point that one local man chimed in on Secret Tel Aviv. “Obviously these girls are dating the wrong guys.“…..Aaaaaand that worked out for him about as well as you think it did.

Tel Avivian ‘Amanda’ described the #5 Sherut.It’s the one that is always there, but you never fully appreciate. He’s your back up plan when other options fail, and always seems to be around when you need him. Even on Shabbat. You will never seriously date the 5… but tell him that whoever does ‘is seriously the luckiest girl.’” Ouch.

Some buses are quite the opposite. Natalie clued us in.  “The 10 to Jaffa: the one who plays seriously hard to get.

Some of you have just opted out of all the drama. “That’s why I walk.” noted Elizabeth.

And then we got to the French girls. HaTzarfatiot:  ‘Radioo’, ‘Musidora’, ‘Sarah’, ‘Jess’, and ‘Audrey’. shared their ideas with the group. We don’t really understand French, but their comments looked so cool! Like this one!

Nous on aime juste l’idée que nos ex finissent sous un bus.

We were just positive that they said something hot and exotic…. Then we translated it:

We just love the idea that our exes end up under a bus.”

OMG.