Ramat Gan: The police force in the same country that somehow tracked down and captured notorious Nazi Adolph Eichmann in Argentina says that it’s “like this close” to finding and investigating its first Binary Options office in Ramat Gan, a location so remote that it takes over an hour to walk there from Tel Aviv City Hall. Binary Options, which is sort of like the Stock Market except the Brokers steal all of your money every damn time more complicated, is an industry that is so low-key and hidden from view that one company posted a recruitment advertisement on Facebook with a woman dressed as a vampire, the company’s Logo, and the slogan “Predators work at night.” The Daily Freier sat down with Police spokesperson Mickey G. to learn more about some of the unique hurdles facing the police force on this case.
(DISCLAIMER: TODAY THE FREIER IS TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Recently, a woman posted on Secret Tel Aviv seeking a roommate under…… “special conditions”. The Daily Freier was going to try to explain the post, but whatever we say won’t do it justice:
Anyhoo, Secret Tel Aviv being Secret Tel Aviv, the readers reacted with a mixture of shock and anger that….. JUST KIDDING….. the men of Tel Aviv went on Full RED ALERT and sprang into action, replying with such important questions as:
Does the apartment have a dishwasher?
As a flatmate, I can also bring a kitten.
Pick Me I’m Jewish!
Can I bring my Barbie Dolls?
Keep Kosher?
Despite the story seeming to be just an innocent request for a live-in sex object, the truth is far more sinister: the entire set-up was simply a ruse by a woman who works in the Human Resources section of a prominent FOREX company in Ramat Gan, and the men who responded found themselves not in a Get-Your-Freak-On scenario, but a Binary Options Job Interview. The Daily Freier waited outside the Apartment and conducted Exit Interviews with the traumatized men of Tel Aviv as they learned the bitter truth.
As he left her apartment, local guy Shai (from the coffee kiosk) said “I’m into experiments, but this pushed my boundaries WAY too far. I might be a submissive, but I’m not into Cold-Calling torture!”
We then spoke with recent French Oleh David as he skulked away in shame. “I walked into the interview thinking I was, how do you say, ‘Overqualified?’ Because I am… French? But I’m into bondage, not Binary Bondage.”
Yet there was somebody who DID seem OK with the arrangement, but wished to remain anonymous. The Daily Freier asked the Mystery Man if he had any comments. “Yeah, can you adjust my leather collar? It’s itchy.”
We actually volunteered to check out all of the details of the arrangement. Just as advertised, They DO provide lunch and breakfast. There ARE good showers on site. If you work night-shift, there ARE beds. The only thing we couldn’t figure out was…..uhhhhh….. this:
Gehenna: The recent FOREX/Binary Options Expo in Cyprus was by all accounts a fun event for all attendees, but word has leaked that Cyprus was not the Industry’s first choice. Industry gossip pointed to a previously booked venue. FOREX, a niche of the Investment World where the House always seems to win, has gotten a little bad press lately. And responding to published reports, Hell acknowledged today that they cancelled a reservation previously booked by FOREX. The Daily Freier went to Hell (as has been suggested through previous reader feedback) to get the whole story.
THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:
UPDATE: People Of Tel Aviv! This is satire! We made it all up! Please stop hassling the guy in the photo. He did not say or do the things in this article!
But FOREX still sucks.
Hugs, The Daily Freier
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By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 4/6/2016 at 7:50 AM
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: Local guy Tzion likes women. A lot. We mean, like a lot a lot. In fact, on a trip to Rome, a man in the piazza once admonished Tzion to be more subtle and nuanced in his pickup attempts….. But there are things that even he won’t do when it comes to the pursuit of women. Like hook up with a girl who works in FOREX or Binary Options. Tzion sat down with the Daily Freier to explain the moral stand he is taking.
“So everything started fine. We were listening to Johnny Cash songs, and I was explaining to her how each song was really about sex. You might call this crazy, but I call this ‘Tuesdays’ …… And then it gets even better……. She says she wants to meet up later that night but she that she didn’t want a relationship because she was headed to South America tomorrow for 3 months. And her housemates are out-of-town. Oh yeah and she’s a twin.”
“So anyway, after a half hour she told me to meet at her apartment on Balfour but that she had to get up early for work. I asked her where she worked and she said “FOREX” …….. So I told her that I had to take care of a sick friend and then wash my hair. Then I walked home.”
The Daily Freier challenged Tzion on how he could turn down such an opportunity, but he was adamant. “There have to be standards of conduct in society. I mean, if I went home with her, I couldn’t live with myself. FOREX is like selling your soul. And you’re talking to a guy who has changed his IP address 3 times to get around the Administrators of J-Date and their stupid rules about fake profiles.”
Tzion continued to explain his code of conduct. “Look, everyone has issues. I mean, I’ve been banned from Secret Tel Aviv six times. And last year I got busted by the Misrad HaPnim for impersonating an Oleh from Argentina so that I could hook up with French girls in Ulpan. But FOREX and Binary options? That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”
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