Month: July 2014

Beach, Hamas

Authorities Interdict Hamas Sleeper Cell in Tel Aviv Disguised as Family Walking Seven-Abreast on Jogging Path While Chatting, Twentysomething Woman Walking Very Large or Very Small Dog, Middle-aged Man at the Beach in Speedos

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By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/26/2014 at 10:30 PM

Tel Aviv- Tragedy was narrowly averted today, thanks to the vigilance of some alert citizens when authorities uncovered a Hamas Sleeper Cell.  In a sign of the growing sophistication of Hamas’ operations, the sleeper cell was designed to mimic groups of people typical to the municipality.  According to interrogations conducted on the agents, this included a family of seven blocking the entire jogging path while they yak about whatever and don’t let you past. In addition female Hamas agents were trained to walk dogs weighing either less than 2 kilograms or more than 50 kilograms while Whats-Apping and holding a large coffee.  Finally, retired heavyset Hamas agents were trained to walk around the beach wearing Speedos.  It was this final part of the cell that ultimately gave them away, as the Speedo-wearing agent was discovered as he tried to exit the sea at Gordon Beach.  Alert resident Ronit S. spoke with the Daily Freier “I was swimming with my girlfriends and I saw this middle-aged guy in a Speedo approach.  When he didn’t suck in his chest, square his shoulders and cock a sleazy look at me and my friends, I knew something was wrong, so I called the police”. Ronit continued ” I mean, WTF?  We’re HOT, Right?” Interrogations of the cell also led authorities to anticipate a sleeper cell disguised as a guy in capri pants wearing a fanny pack, a man on a motorized bicycle heading toward you on the sidewalk at 50 kilometers per hour, and an older Russian speaking woman behind you in the checkout line who definitely wants you to hurry up.

ISIS

To Focus World Attention, Mosul’s Besieged Christians Hire Israel to Bomb Their Buildings

mosul_fleeingBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/25/2014 at 6:30 PM

Mosul- The 2,000 year old Christian Community in this Iraqi city, on the verge of extinction at the hands of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), came up with an innovative way to focus world attention to their plight: Get Israel to bomb them. Ibrahim, a Christian resident who asked to be identified only by his first name, explained “I called my cousin in Detroit who knows some Jews in Chicago, who knew some Israeli’s in New York, and, yada yada yada, Israel bombed our buildings! We’re saved! Oh, and they phoned us ahead of time, so we all went to a restaurant and watched from there.”

Daily Freier staff accompanied Ibrahim when he pleaded his case to the United Nations, and recorded the following interaction with UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, Navi Pillay

Ibrahim: Madam Commissioner, our ancient community of Christians is under assault at the hands of ISIS. Our choices are to convert, flee, or die.

Commissioner Pillay- (Looking up from a Sudoku puzzle) That’s very interesting. We’ll send someone to look into that after the Summer Recess….

Ibrahim: Oh, and the Jews bombed our buildings last night…..

Commissioner Pillay: (Jumping from her seat) Wait, WHAT? I am calling the Human Rights Council to action IMMEDIATELY!

Ibrahim: (Aside to the camera) “Mission Accomplished”

Ibrahim went on to explain just how successful the gambit proved. “The UN just named July ‘The Month in Solidarity with the Christians of Mosul’! Noam Chomsky just mentioned us in his blog! Gideon Levy’s travel agent just called and asked about flights. A bunch of grad students from the Monterey Institute just showed up wearing keffiyehs, yoga pants, and American Apparel T-Shirts to teach our kids ‘Sustainable Crafts’ and ‘Post-Modern Ethical Dance Therapy’, whatever the hell that is.”

When asked about potential negative repercussions of their involvement, IDF Spokesman Shuki Cohen reacted in a tone of mock-fear “What, will mobs in Europe start chanting “Death to the Jews”? Will the UN open another investigation on us? Will this lead to another “crisis of the heart” think-piece by Peter Beinert? Wait, come to think of it, that last scenario does sound kinda bad………” Cohen continued, “Anyways, our pilots could use the route familiarization”

Fresh off the success of his diplomatic coup, Ibrahim was last seen handing out copies of Israel’s business card to the Copts, the Yazidis, the Marsh Arabs, the Bahais, The Christians of Pakistan, the Berbers, the Mandeans, the Kurds, and a bunch of other oppressed ethnic and religious minorities within the Middle East who you never hear from because the Jews had nothing to do with it.

Hamas, John Forbes Kerry

Kerry Swings Support behind Hamas After Group Accuses Israel and Egypt of “Swiftboating”

johnkerrytestifycongress1971By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/21/2014 at 9:30 PM

Cairo- At today’s peace talks, in a stunning turnaround reversing 30 years of US policy, Secretary of State John Kerry sided with Hamas at the expense of longtime allies Egypt and Israel after Hamas informed Kerry that Egypt and Israel’s actions amounted to “swiftboating”.  According to well placed sources, the Hamas delegate said “Mister Kerry, our treatment at the hands of Israel and Egypt is similar to your treatment by those jealous and spiteful former Naval Officers during the 2004 Presidential Campaign.”, as a captivated Kerry nodded sympathetically. Egypt’s delegate to the talks, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated “I got to hand it to Hamas.  We got played. Straight. Up. Played.  At one point, the Hamas delegate asked Kerry how he kept in such great shape and insisted that he looked far too young to be a Secretary of State.  We just couldn’t keep up with their full court diplomatic press.”  When asked to explain this debacle, a frustrated Israeli rep noted “I dunno, I guess I knew we were in trouble when Hamas told Kerry that the Palestinians invented windsfurfing”.

Sheikh Nasrallah

Feeling Neglected, Sheikh Nasrallah Drunk-Dials Israel, Makes a Mix-Tape

sheikh-hassan-nasrallahBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/21/2014 at 5:38 PM

South Beirut– Hezbollah Leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, long Israel’s arch-nemesis, made a series of rambling and only partially coherent phonecalls to Israel late last night.  According to well-placed sources, Nasrallah started off by asking Israel “what it’s been up to” and noting “how long it’s been”. When Israel told Nasrallah that it’s “been really busy” and “working on things” Nasrallah affirmed that he too has been busy. “Yeah, you know…..just stuff like betraying the Arab Street by siding with my Iranian Masters to prop up a Syrian regime that uses chemical weapons on its own citizens.  And working out.  Been working out A LOT.  Nothing crazy.  Light weights….cardio.”  Sheikh Nasrallah then told Israel that it had made a mix tape.  ” Stuff by the Smiths, Toad the Wet Sprocket…..Whenever I listen to “Close to Me” by The Cure, I think of the 90’s and all the times we had together before I sacrificed my bona-fides in the Arab  World to serve a crime family posing as the Syrian Leadership.”  When Israel told Nasrallah that it was “great to hear from him” but that things were “really crazy with Hamas”, the Sheikh replied petulantly “Uh huh…..targeting your cities with missiles. Wonder where they got THAT from”.  It was at this point that anonymous sources noted that Sheikh Nasrallah had his Yearbook open to the page of Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and that Mashal’s picture had been defaced with devil horns and his teeth scribbled out with black ink.  The conversation ended with Israel telling Nasrallah that they should “be in touch some time”.  Sheikh Nasrallah was last seen walking toward the Lebanon-Israel border wearing a tan trench coat and carrying a boom-box with a Peter Gabriel tape in it.

BDS

Intellectually Honest BDS Supporter Fights Israel Using Commodore 64, Voicemail, AOL Chatrooms

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By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/20/2014 at 11:30 PM

Berkeley, California- Ardent opponent of Israeli policies Daniel Hanson fights tirelessly for the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) Movement, while strictly using technologies that Israel had no part in creating.  “When I first got into the Movement, I was organizing flashmob protests using Whats-App.  Then I found out Israelis built it.  So from then on, it was voicemail messaging.  I also got a pretty good answering machine with those tiny cassette tapes at the United Way store, so I have been able to really record some good weekly messages on Israel’s Apartheid Wall in the West Bank.”  Mr. Hanson went on to point out that once he learned the I-phone and pentium chips are also products of Israeli know-how, that out of principal he could no longer use modern computers.  “Which is no big deal because I have souped up this Commodore with an extra 500K of RAM plus an extra 5 1/4″ floppy drive.”  Mr. Hanson noted that he now logs onto an AOL chatroom where he is able to “really reach out to the community” on this important subject.  When Daily Freier reporters last spoke to Hanson, he was perturbed that our most recent email to him had a 1 Megabyte attachment, and “totally killed my bandwidth for the day”.

Hamas, Tel Aviv Living

Hamas Cancels Plan to Inundate Tel Aviv Streets with Business Cards Advertising Sex Industry After Finding Out It’s Been Done Already

Hamas Cancels Plan to Inundate Tel Aviv Streets with Business Cards Advertising Sex Industry After Finding Out It's Been Done AlreadyBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/20/2014 at 11:26 AM

Tel Aviv, Allenby Street– Tragedy was narrowly averted when Hamas hastily called off a plan for drones to drop hundreds of thousands of tiny business cards advertising the sex industry on Greater Tel Aviv.

“We had a very well planned out operation” said Hamas operative  Abu Ismail.  “We had an Iranian drone and plotted a course going out to sea from Gaza, up the coast past Occupied Jaffa, fly in at 10 feet above the water, pop up when we hit land, and drop the payload.  The entire municipality’s streets would have been covered with thinly veiled advertisements for prostitution.  Men, women, and children would have seen this filth.  Your society would have become even more debased than it is now, no offense.”

When he learned that, in fact, the streets of Tel Aviv were already littered with such items, Abu Ismail was incredulous.  “On one hand I was disappointed.  Our boys trained many months for this sacred mission.  On the other hand, I was kinda cheesed out.  I mean, Really?  Littering the streets with advertisements for the sex industry?  That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”

Dating and Relationships, Hamas

Guy in Missile Shelter Says He’s Only One Or Two More Alerts Away From Asking Out Girl From Second Floor

stock-footage-man-and-woman-talking-outside-at-night1By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/17/2014 at 6:20 PM

Ramat Aviv– Summer TAU student Ethan Schwartz told sources today that he is “like this close” to asking out an attractive coed known simply as “Melissa from Rockland“.  Mr. Schwartz noted, “I saw her during the first alert last Tuesday, and each alert I’ve been able to throw a little light banter.  You know, a joke here and there. ‘Where’d you go to school?’, that kind of thing.  I even showed her the Red Alert App on my Iphone.  Yesterday after the All Clear, I laughed and said ‘See You Soon!’ as I was leaving and she kinda giggled.”

Concerning recent peace efforts, Mr. Schwartz expressed reservations; “If this current ceasefire holds through the weekend, my entire timetable is thrown off“.

When contacted by Daily Freier Staff about Mr. Schwartz’s overtures, “Melissa from Rockland” had no idea in fact who he was.

Hanin Zoabi, Israeli Politics

NGO’s Criticize Israel for Sentencing At-Risk Youth to Spend Time with Hanin Zoabi

Haneen-ZoabiBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/17/2014 at 4:15 PM

Jerusalem–In a joint statement, B’Tselem and Rabbis For Human Rights lambasted  credible reports that Israel’s juvenile justice system forced at-risk youth to spend time with MK Hanin Zoabi (Balad).  Israel’s version of the “Scared Straight” program popularized in the United States starting in the 1970’s was condemned by Rabbis for Human Rights’ Stanley Finkelstein; “This sort of disproportionate response by Israeli authorities cannot stand.  It does not contribute to peace, and I am going to catch hell from the Oxfam guys during tomorrow’s monthly Board Meeting at the Ann Arbor Food Co-Op”.  Shuki Cohen, Spokesman for Israel’s Department for Juvenile Justice defended the practice, stating “We just wanted to scare the kids with a really unpleasant experience, but without all the creepy ‘Tossed Salad’ references from the American version.”

MK Zoabi, for her part reacted angrily to the effort, stating “I do not recognize the legitimacy of this action by the Fascist Government and I do not recognize this interview conducted by the Occupier. ” Then she shoved us and stormed off.

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Hamas, Start Up Nation

Hamas Hacks into HOT Cable Customer Service, Leaves Site Unchanged

hacked-palestina.pngBy Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/17/2014 at 3:30 PM

Tel Aviv–According to published reports, the cyber attack branch of the Izz ad-Din al Qassam Brigades successfully penetrated the website of HOT Cable’s Customer Service Office.  However, upon review of the options provided to customers on the website, the hackers chose to leave the site as is.  A Field Commander known simply as Abu Ali stated “We really wanted to hit the Zionist enemy hard by changing the site so it left him feeling confused, helpless, and angry.  But like our friends on the Flotilla said, ‘That ship has sailed‘ “. In a possible sign of rapprochement between peoples, Abu Ali noted “HOT Telecom? They’re OK, for a pack of perfidious Jews“.

When pressed for future operational plans, Hamas stated that they intended to hack into Orange Telecom, Bank Leumi, and the Ministry of Religious Service’s Conversion Department, and not change anything.

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