Month: April 2016

A.D. 2040: Tories send Androids through Time to destroy Labour

A.D. 2050: Tories send Androids through Time to destroy Labour

(Photo Credit: Getty)

By The Pan-Earth Daily Freier Conglomerate Staff 

Last Updated 4/30/2040 at 300 Solar Hours

Edgeware Spaceport: Leaked reports from today’s Conservative Party Conference point to a sinister plot to destroy its rivals: create a team of unpleasant and obtuse androids, send them through a Black Hole to the Earth Year 2016, program them to infiltrate the Labour Party, and destroy the Party from within by making it an international laughingstock.

Prime Minister Beckham held a news conference where he denounced these plans; “We fully and forcefully denounce this treacherous  attempt to preemptively destroy the Coalition by ensuring that it never existed. We denounce the creation of the Corbynborg, designed to seek out unsavoury Hezbollah and Hamas “friends” for tea. We stand fully against the Gallowayback Machine, allegedly programmed to annoy even its friends while it dresses as a cat. And we deplore the planned RedKen 2000, and its obsession with a certain Austrian Corporal from the mid-20th Century.”

The Conservative Party for its part denied all charges, with MP Styles pushing back at the accusations. “These charges are ridiculous on their face.  No serious Party would let itself get taken over by such a group of clowns, no matter how sophisticated you programmed them.  This is simply another fantasy invented by the Prime Minister and Lord Mayor Russel Brand.”

 

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Israel draws West ISIS in World Cup Quarter Final

West ISIS Israel Football match

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/27/2016 at 11:50 AM

Tel Aviv: The world will hold its breath this weekend as Israel and West ISIS will do battle for a shock place in the World Cup semi finals, after both teams overachieved in the group stages.

The tense clash will be the first time the Zionist nation has gone head to almost-head with West ISIS, who surprisingly topped the Caliphate group after a penalty shootout win against Al Qaeda…when the opposition goalkeeper was beheaded during the coin toss.

After losing 5-1 to East ISIS in the opening game, the signs weren’t good for West ISIS, whose entire midfield was hurled into the stands after the linesman was blown up for raising the wrong flag. Managed by Kassam Allardyce, they switched the formation to play 10 up front and one lookout at the back after a poor back pass saw a central defender hit on the head by a flaming vuvuzela. That formation worked as they sneaked through the group stages with wins over Al Nusra and Boko Loco before clinching top spot in an eventful win over Al Qaeda. Trailing one nil, West ISIS controversially equalised in stoppage time when an in-swinging corner found super sub Jihadi Ringo, who had only put on his suicide vest moments before. He nodded the ball goalwards. The keeper palmed the ball away but the striker’s head flew in, along with two fingers, a right elbow and a knuckleduster. As ISIS fans celebrated by singing Liverpool FC’s ‘You’ll never walk alone‘, the opposition fans began to chant ‘You’ll never walk again‘ so the referee awarded the goal before he was assaulted by irate tea vendors.

Israel’s qualification was more routine as they coasted through, under the management of financial wizards Ehud Olmert and Aryeh Deri. Opposing managers were paying shekels into their offshore bank accounts while the Israeli attack scored freely. Israel thrashed Lebanon 6-0 when they turned the floodlights and water off after hearing of a rocket fired at Haifa. The Zionists romped past the Future Palestinian State, 9-0, after Israel’s Egyptian coach Sissi executed the substitutes bench, which was being used as a grenade factory. The BBC called for an immediate boycott, running with the headline: ‘Palestinian heartbreak as Israel steals football glory‘.

This World Cup had been awash with dramas and scandals. Mexico were kicked out for refusing to play the USA unless Donald Trump quit the race for president. Germany were docked points for fielding a squad comprised only of Syrian refugees, while England’s threat to leave the European Union saw them placed in the Pacific Group where they were knocked out 1-0 by sleeping giants Fiji. Speculation still remains about the result of the game between Israel and Iran, managed by former Ayatollah favourite, Haveyouhadyourdinnerdad. The Al-Jazeera commentary box and cameras were detonated by Hezbollah when fans rose for the Israeli national anthem Hatikva. Drone footage, however, showed the Iranian first XI limping off at the final whistle, beaten and bruised, screaming ‘OK, OK, so Israel bloody exists!’

Oddly, there are plenty of tickets still on sale for the Israel-ISIS clash at the stadium in the central Asian republic of Icouldntgiveaf–kistan. As TV networks booked flights out of the country, ex FIFA president Sepp Blatter promised security would be as tight as his wallet and as comfortable as his padded cell in Switzerland.

The football pilgrimage is expected to see Israel bring 25,000 fans including the publicity-shy supermodel Bar Refaeli. It is unclear how many ISIS fans will come until the end of a three-week gun battle in Palmyra. Available at http://www.armageddon.com (strictly a fanciful jest!–The Freier Legal Department), tickets start at $5 and include a souvenir program, a light beer and funeral expenses.

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Tel Aviv Waitress suspects there is some sort of Holiday this week

Daily Freier Tel Aviv Israel Satire News

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/26/2016 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Local waitress Anat S. can’t quite pinpoint it, but something is different around town.  Ever since she drove back from the big dinner at her parents’ house in Holon on Friday, some people have just been acting….weird. Anat sat down with the Daily Freier to share her observations.

So a customer asked if we had pastries made without wheat flour.  And I was like ‘You mean like gluten-free? Of course!‘ And I brought them out some gluten-free muffins. And the guy just stared at me.  Like what’s his problem?

Anat munched  on a pita and shared another life event from this week. “I don’t know what it is. But I’m definitely feeling different vibes this week.  Like two hours ago, these French tourists came in and asked me if we had a “hescher“.  I said ‘I don’t know. Would you like to see if it’s on the menu?‘ And then they left.  At first I thought that they were just being French.  But then an English couple walked in and asked the same thing. And they were wearing those little things on their heads. So I handed them a menu and asked them to point to what they wanted.  And they left too. Strange.”

Anat continued. “I pride myself in being observant. But I can’t figure out what’s different. I mean, Why is this week different from all other weeks?

Finally, she gave up. “I guess I’ll just ask on Secret Tel Aviv

 

 

An Open Letter To Harvard Law School (HLS) About Husam El-Qoulaq And Tzipi Livni

Husam El Qoulaq

Martha L. Minow, Dean, Harvard Law School
Griswold 200
1525 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, MA 02138
Phone: 617-495-4601
@Harvard_Law

Dean Minow-

Greetings and Salutations from the Daily Freier, reporting in concert with Brian of London, live from the Zionist Entity Known as Israel!

We wish to express our concerns about a recent event at your institution, specifically, “The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict and the US Negotiation Lessons and Possibilities” held on Thursday, April 14, 7 pm, Austin Hall, Room 100 and featuring Israeli politician Tzipi Livni and former U.S. Envoy Dennis Ross. Specifically, we are concerned that people are going to find out that at this event, a Harvard Law student named Husam El-Qoulaq asked Ms. Livni “why she was so smelly.”

[The Daily Freier Guest-Wrote this article with Brian of London over at the awesome Blog Israellycool. Please check out the entire article at the Link below!]

http://www.israellycool.com/2016/04/24/an-open-letter-to-harvard-law-school-hls-about-husam-el-qoulaq-and-tzipi-livni/

Rave Reviews for the J-Street Haggadah!

J-Street-1

(Photo Credit: Our Legal Department says that this idea came to us in a dream.)

(DISCLAIMER: We thought we had a totally original idea. Until the Buzzkills at ElderofZiyon said that Tikkun now has its own Haggadah. It’s getting harder and harder to satirize the Progressive Jewish Left.)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/24/2016 at 1:00 PM

Washington: With the completion of many a successful Passover Seder this year, the streets are buzzing with rave reviews for J-Street’s Haggadah.  The Daily Freier wandered around Washington’s Food Co-Ops and Non-Profits until it got enough quotes to finish the article and go home to nap.

Code Pink web designer Moonwind Epstein enjoyed the Haggadah’s new look. “The old Haggadah just felt dated.  Like it was 3,000 years old or something. So I really like the new Four Questions: Why is this Iran Deal Better Than All Other Iran Deals?

Saying that he “liked that there was a message“, Dylan Murray-Levinson-Smith, an intern at the New Israel Fund, extolled the new Haggadah’s educational aspect. “It’s been a long time since Hebrew School at the JCC, so it’s no surprise that I forgot that one of the plagues was named ‘Bibi.Good times.

Even though local dude “Max” knows “a lot” about Judaism, he too learned something new at his Second Night Seder.  “The part where Moses gathers the Israelites and tells them that any entry into the Promised Land will first require “Justice for Jericho” and a “Right of Return for the Canaanites” just really moved me.”

While J-Street is proud of its Haggadah, it promises improvements for next year (not in Jerusalem!) to include addressing the “Root Causes” of Pharaoh’s grievances with the Israelites.