Category: Sheikh Nasrallah

Shameless Self Promotion, Sheikh Nasrallah

Hezbollah TV airs the Daily Freier movie but renames it “That Idiot Jew”

Daily Freier Hezbollha TV That Idiot JewBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/22/2017 at 11:50 AM

South Beirut: The Daily Freier has received some unsolicited and somewhat unwanted publicity lately. Hezbollah, an organization that lately has seemed better at killing Sunni Muslims than it is at killing Israelis, has its very own television station called “Al-Manar”. And Al-Manar just aired the Daily Freier Movie, only they shortened the title from “American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for Seven Years” to “That Idiot Jew“. The Daily Freier tried to call Sheikh Nasrallah for an interview, but he’s scared the Mossad would trace the call. So we settled for Hussein, a production assistant at Al-Manar TV.

“We really felt this was a story for the whole family.” explained Hussein. “Mothers, fathers, children, grandparents…. they can all sit together in the evening and enjoy the story of this walid majnoon named Jeff.”

Yet it was not only Al-Manar that loved the show, but also the average man and woman on the street. The Daily Freier asked one of our friends at Reuters to wander South Beirut and ask random people how they feel about the Daily Freier movie.

“That ridiculous Jew named Jeff! He is so stupid!” chuckled a barrel-chested guy with a mustache named Jaffar. “I will keep tuning in to see if he learns future tense verbs. But I doubt this will happen.”

“I really loved the show! He is such a fool!” exclaimed Fatima. She then quickly looked around to make sure nobody was listening and lowered her voice to a whisper. “I know it’s Haram… but I find ‘Jeff’ strangely attractive.”

Word of Al-Manar’s airing of “That Idiot Jew” has even moved beyond Lebanon and is now enjoying popularity abroad. Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters was quite excited about the new show. “Finally! a show that really has a message!” Roger exclaimed.

While Al-Manar has enjoyed significant success with their new show, it has not come without protest from the Daily Freier itself. Our editor Yuval Weiss shared his anger during an interview with CNN earlier today.

Yuval: What Hezbollah Television did was illegal! It was immoral! and we are not going to…..

CNN: We have just learned that your website has 500,000 unique hits today alone. Additionally, a Muslim Dating Site wants to purchase a 2 month block of advertising on the Daily Freier. How does this…

Yuval: On second thought, we all must try to show greater empathy. We reluctantly accept Hezbollah’s actions in the name of cultural sensitivity.

In another piece of good news, after watching Hezbollah TV’s version of our movie, The New Israel Fund just offered us a 50,000 Shekel grant.

Hanin Zoabi, Sheikh Nasrallah

After Zoabi’s Kristallnacht Speech in Amsterdam, Nasrallah Hoping For an Invite to Yom HaShoah Next Year

hanin-zoabi-amsterdam.jpg

(Photo Credit: The Times of Israel)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/9/2015 at 6:20 PM

Amsterdam, The Netherlands: After controversial MK Hanin Zoabi’s (Joint List) speech at an Amsterdam Kristallnacht commemoration, Hezbullah Leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah feels that “the time is ripe” for him to address next year’s Yom HaShoah commemoration in that city. “Hanin, my sister in the struggle with the Zionist Entity, just did an amazing job.  The way she took a commemoration of a Nazi pogrom against Jews and turned it into an anti-Israel screed….amazing.  But I think this is just the beginning.  Maybe  if my Iranian handlers say that it’s cool, I can make it up to Amsterdam next year for Yom HaShoah. To commemorate the Holocaust. You know, if it really happened.”  When asked what a man who promised to hunt down Jews worldwide  would have to say about the Holocaust, Nasrallah noted; “Well I was thinking of saying that Israel created ISIS.  But if that’s not a good fit then my Brother Mahmoud Abbas knows a few things on this subject.”  As for Ms. Zoabi, while she enjoyed the event commemorating the Nazis’ systematic destruction of German Jewry, she was disappointed in that she thought it would be more of an instructional “how-to” event.

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Sheikh Nasrallah

Feeling Neglected, Sheikh Nasrallah Drunk-Dials Israel, Makes a Mix-Tape

sheikh-hassan-nasrallahBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/21/2014 at 5:38 PM

South Beirut– Hezbollah Leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, long Israel’s arch-nemesis, made a series of rambling and only partially coherent phonecalls to Israel late last night.  According to well-placed sources, Nasrallah started off by asking Israel “what it’s been up to” and noting “how long it’s been”. When Israel told Nasrallah that it’s “been really busy” and “working on things” Nasrallah affirmed that he too has been busy. “Yeah, you know…..just stuff like betraying the Arab Street by siding with my Iranian Masters to prop up a Syrian regime that uses chemical weapons on its own citizens.  And working out.  Been working out A LOT.  Nothing crazy.  Light weights….cardio.”  Sheikh Nasrallah then told Israel that it had made a mix tape.  ” Stuff by the Smiths, Toad the Wet Sprocket…..Whenever I listen to “Close to Me” by The Cure, I think of the 90’s and all the times we had together before I sacrificed my bona-fides in the Arab  World to serve a crime family posing as the Syrian Leadership.”  When Israel told Nasrallah that it was “great to hear from him” but that things were “really crazy with Hamas”, the Sheikh replied petulantly “Uh huh…..targeting your cities with missiles. Wonder where they got THAT from”.  It was at this point that anonymous sources noted that Sheikh Nasrallah had his Yearbook open to the page of Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and that Mashal’s picture had been defaced with devil horns and his teeth scribbled out with black ink.  The conversation ended with Israel telling Nasrallah that they should “be in touch some time”.  Sheikh Nasrallah was last seen walking toward the Lebanon-Israel border wearing a tan trench coat and carrying a boom-box with a Peter Gabriel tape in it.