Tel Aviv: The Center for the Study of Democracy in Israel published a report today indicating that only 77% of the nation’s citizens have started their own political party. With today’s election revealing a confusing array of choices consisting of every one, two, and three-letter combination from the Hebrew Alphabet, this number seemed a bit low. So in order to get to the bottom of this, the Daily Freier met with the Center’s lead researcher Natan C. at a North Tel Aviv cafe.
As we sipped our coffees, Natan gestured to the current occupants of the cafe. “Look around. The waitress, the cook, the hostess, the old guy doing Sudoku, the goofy blogger, the old woman dispensing free advice, the manager, the manager’s girlfriend, the manager’s girlfriend’s girlfriend. All of them are currently running a political party, just formed a breakaway party after a nasty split from an existing party, or are busy filling out forms and petitions to form their own.”
Not wanting to simply take Natan’s word at face value, the Daily Freier then called Israel’s Board of Election supervisors and asked if the Center’s numbers are in fact correct. “77% of Israelis have their own political party? Oh that’s just nonsense.” Election Board Supervisor Gila H. scoffed. “Soon you will be telling me that someone started a party for secular Tel Aviv cats. Wait….never mind. It appears that somebody did. I quit.”
Tel Aviv: Amid the latest tornado of international events, Israelis were left trying to get their heads around the latest development to hit their war-torn nation: Rain. Ten minutes of torrential rain had Tel Avivians tossing cats out the way to dive into uncollected garbage bins, while Brits wandered around saying: “Oooh. It’s spitting.”
Combined with driving wind, Israel hasn’t heard so many doors slammed and banged since Sara showed Bibi her MasterCard statement.
Bibi called an emergency session of the cabinet, immediately converting the new fast Jerusalem train into a naval warship and generously opening up a number of prisons as shelters. The Knesset and Supreme Court will take 10,000 people.
Locals concerned with the forecast for this afternoon are advised to pack a flashlight, batteries and pita bread and call *N-O-A-H from their smartphones. Regular charges do apply, so just stop by Golan on the way home and give them a bunch of money.
Manhattan: In another journalistic breakthrough from their ongoing investigation of Jews who support the Zionist Entity, the Forward has dropped a bombshell bound to shake the Jewish World to its core. Specifically, there are very credible rumors that Israel/Indigenous Rights advocate Hen Mazzig might be….you may want to sit down for this one…. GAY. Yeah, we know. We were just as surprised as you are. But it’s investigative reporting of this caliber that we’ve come to expect from the journalistic standard-bearer for Jews who like being Jewish but don’t like….there’s no delicate way to say this….. Israel, most Israeli people, the Israeli Government, and probably Israeli pets. The Forward, which has done some a-ma-zing work ever since it decided to go Fully Woke, has apparently decided to answer the rhetorical question that we all have asked at one point after taking the entire bag of edibles at once: “Hey! How would Linda Sarsour’s Twitter feed look if she joined a Bundist Yiddish theater troupe in Williamsburg?”
The Daily Freier was able to Skype with Aiden Pink, the author of the Forward’s stunning exposé of Mr. Mazzig. We congratulated Mr. Pink on his previous article alleging that Hen is in fact an Israeli agent. “Yeah, that story really broke everything wide open, didn’t it?” Aiden explained. “You see, I wanted to shed light on this secret Israeli conspiracy to influence American society, and for the cover photo we superimposed Hen’s face onto a background with the Star of David and some Shekels.” Aiden paused for a moment and reflected. “Wait, do you think that was too subtle?” (Real World Spoiler Alert: They Really Really Did This.)
The Daily Freier then asked Mr. Pink how The Forward discovered that Hen might be gay, and he replied that they first became suspicious when Hen wore that killer suit to the Algemeiner Awards Gala, with no visible wife or girlfriend to dress him. The Daily Freier then asked Aidan what difference any of this would make.
Aiden: By showcasing prominent LGBT citizens, Israel often engages in Pinkwashing.
The Freier: So by ‘Pinkwashing’ do you mean ‘telling the truth about LGBT rights in Israel and telling the truth about LGBT persecution in the Arab and Muslim world’?
Aiden: …..(pause)….. Is there another definition?
The Freier: Moving on to the topic of Hen’s Secret Agent identity. Specifically, what proof did The Forward have of this accusation?
Aiden: He literally worked for the Israeli Government. He served in the Army!
The Freier: But by your standards, all the Jews, Druze, and Circassians in Israel could also be suspected agents.
Aiden: Wait, So what you’re saying is, in a country with universal conscription, literally everyone was in the military?
The Freier: Uh Huh.
Aiden: So my accusation that Hen was an Israeli agent could also be leveled at your Vaad Bayit?
The Freier: Uh huh.
Aiden: And the pretty Mizrahi girl with big hair & giant red acrylic fingernails who works at the phone kiosk in the mall?
The Freier: Uh huh
Aiden: And the guy on Rothschild who keeps trying to sell you a subscription to Haaretz?
The Freier: Uh Huh!
Aiden: Same with the guy at the juice stand on the corner who keeps hitting on the Taglit girls?
The Freier: Uh huh!
Aiden: And the woman on the Number 4 bus yesterday who told a complete stranger that if she wanted to be skinnier, she should stop eating pastries?
The Freier: Uh huh!
Aiden: OMG, it’s almost as if I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about when I wrote the article.
The Freier: We’ve just had what our Therapist calls “a breakthrough”. And this is the sound of us hugging you from 4000 miles away. OMG…. Did we just have a Moment???
UPDATE: The Daily Freier has independently determined that Mr. Mazzig is in fact NOT a paid agent of the Jooz, because the one time we met for brunch in Tel Aviv, at no point did he offer to pick up the check.
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Square: With workers putting the final touches on the newly stored Dizengoff Square, hundreds are waiting for the chance to put their own trademark Tel Aviv touch to the property. The Daily Freier walked on over to smell the excitement.
First, the Daily Freier ran into Danny, who was waiting patiently just north of the square, right next to the statue of the man displaying his junk. “Ever since they tore down the old Square last year, I’ve just felt like something was missing.” explained Danny as he drank from a liter of iced tea. “But now? Now is my chance.” Danny stealthily eyed the construction site. “Those workers can’t stay there forever.”
The Daily Freier then spoke with Nir at the Beer Garden opposite the Square. “So it looks like the City is trying to replace the old structure with something clean and classy, with grass and walking paths.” Nir chugged what appeared to be his 3rd pint of Stella and looked toward the Square with a gleam in his eye. “Welcome to Tel Aviv.”
The Daily Freier plans to attend the official opening of Dizengoff Square, where we will offer free samples of our Cologne for Men, “Tachana Merkazit“.
As the foremost source for great news here in the Zionist Entity, we at the Daily Freier want to offer you a heartfelt welcome! We know that you’ve had a rough couple of days, but we hope you’re settling in nicely up at Hebrew University!
Anyhoo, let’s meet up! Friday morning 11:00 at Dizengoff Center, Tel Aviv’s most A-MA-ZING spot for brunch and shopping! So you know how when it comes to when you stopped doing BDS, you sorta told the court one thing but the truth is really something else? Well Dizengoff Center is a lot like that. The signs say one thing, but you just sort of have to figure things out. But it’s totally worth it.
So let’s meet on the 3rd Floor. No not the 3rd Floor above Holmes Gym. The other side. Follow the bathroom sign until you get to where they removed the bathroom. Then pass the talking information kiosk that has its circuit board ripped out (really!)
Hey, do you want to download their Navigation App? Wait, it looks like you can only download the Hebrew version and you need the English. Well to be honest it probably is 6 of one half-dozen of the other anyway.
Anyways, go past the sketchy tattoo shop. Then go up the escalator that goes to the playground with the elephant butt slide. If you see us there, say hi!
Tel Aviv, Derech Menachem Begin: Today the Start-Up Nation’s Ministry of the Interior revealed its new slogan: “Better than a Saudi Consulate!“, reminding its customers that despite long lines, unannounced closures, and indifferent service…… your chances of getting taken out by a Saudi hit squad are extremely low. The Daily Freier attended a press conference at their Tel Aviv office after receiving a press invite via fax.
“We are very proud of our customer service standards.” explained Ministry of the Interior spokesperson Nava K. “After negotiations between our Union and the Government broke down last week, we staged an unannounced work slowdown…. But Hey! All of our customers survived! Only in Israel!”
The Daily Freier asked Nava if, much like Israeli carrier El Al, the Ministry was perhaps suffering from low expectations. But she was insistent. “If Mr. Khashoggi had come to our office instead of the Istanbul Consulate, he would still be alive! Of course, he might not have gotten service yet because our computer skipped the number he had taken from the kiosk…. but one should not be too picky. Welcome to Israel!”
Jerusalem Navon Station: There were cheers and celebrations today in Start-Up Nation after a High Speed Train came, like, “this close” to making the Tel Aviv-Jerusalem run quicker than a “very fast” sherut. You see, the High Speed rail is something that Israel is quite proud of. Even though it took 18 years to build just 50 kilometers of line. And you have to switch trains at the Airport. And the first leg is on a normal train. And you are supposed to make reservations on line. But they don’t check. And the train drops you in the Jerusalem railroad station approximately 3 Gazillion meters underground. And the escalator ride to the top lasts longer than some Tel Aviv relationships. But anyhoo, today the ride was extra fast. So fast in fact that there were moments when it appeared that the train might overtake the Sherut (a shared minibus taxi) that had left Tel Aviv’s Central Bus Station at the same time that the train had left Tel Aviv’s Savidor Station. The Daily Freier went up to Jerusalem to get all the facts.
“We are quite proud of our High Speed rail’s performance today.” explained Israel Rail spokesperson Sarit K. “Our riders got here almost as quickly as people who rode in a van from the 1980’s.” Sarit continued. “In addition, we feel it isn’t very fair to make the comparison. I mean, we were up against Moti, one of their more aggressive Sherut drivers.” Sarit dropped her voice to a whisper. “I heard that he didn’t even stop at all of the red lights either.“
The Daily Freier asked Sarit if maybe High Speed Rail would aim for a higher metric than beating a minibus. “Today we almost beat a Sherut. Who knows, maybe in 2019 we will almost beat the Number 480 Bus.”
UPDATE: In an effort to make their High Speed Rail even more competitive with traditional forms of mass transit, Israel Rail announced that all trains will now play tinny high-pitched Israeli music from the 1970’s out of busted out speakers, display a weathered photo of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef on the dashboard, and have an old compact disc hanging from the conductor’s rear view mirror.
Judea & Samaria– Everyone’s favorite soldier-slapping Woke Poster Girl has a lot on her mind lately. You see, Ahed Tamimi has had a recurring series of very disturbing dreams this week. Instead of doing time for slapping an Israeli soldier, Ahed dreams that she slapped a soldier of an Arab nation…..and the Arab nation reacts by…..well, let’s just say she doesn’t get a free Mercedes in any of these dreams. The Daily Freier skyped with Ahed and she spilled some serious tea.
“So yeah, I keep having these really creepy dreams.” explained Ahed as she absent-mindedly texted with Al Jazeera. “I slap a soldier that I think is Israeli, but when he turns around, I realize that he’s a soldier from a Brotherly Arab Nation in Eternal Solidarity with the Palestinian People. And yeah, he kicks the shit out of me and sends me to prison.”