As the foremost source for great news here in the Zionist Entity, we at the Daily Freier want to offer you a heartfelt welcome! We know that you’ve had a rough couple of days, but we hope you’re settling in nicely up at Hebrew University!
Anyhoo, let’s meet up! Friday morning 11:00 at Dizengoff Center, Tel Aviv’s most A-MA-ZING spot for brunch and shopping! So you know how when it comes to when you stopped doing BDS, you sorta told the court one thing but the truth is really something else? Well Dizengoff Center is a lot like that. The signs say one thing, but you just sort of have to figure things out. But it’s totally worth it.
So let’s meet on the 3rd Floor. No not the 3rd Floor above Holmes Gym. The other side. Follow the bathroom sign until you get to where they removed the bathroom. Then pass the talking information kiosk that has its circuit board ripped out (really!)
Hey, do you want to download their Navigation App? Wait, it looks like you can only download the Hebrew version and you need the English. Well to be honest it probably is 6 of one half-dozen of the other anyway.
Anyways, go past the sketchy tattoo shop. Then go up the escalator that goes to the playground with the elephant butt slide. If you see us there, say hi!
The Daily Freier
By Mark Levy and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Derech Menachem Begin: Today the Start-Up Nation’s Ministry of the Interior revealed its new slogan: “Better than a Saudi Consulate!“, reminding its customers that despite long lines, unannounced closures, and indifferent service…… your chances of getting taken out by a Saudi hit squad are extremely low. The Daily Freier attended a press conference at their Tel Aviv office after receiving a press invite via fax.
“We are very proud of our customer service standards.” explained Ministry of the Interior spokesperson Nava K. “After negotiations between our Union and the Government broke down last week, we staged an unannounced work slowdown…. But Hey! All of our customers survived! Only in Israel!”
The Daily Freier asked Nava if, much like Israeli carrier El Al, the Ministry was perhaps suffering from low expectations. But she was insistent. “If Mr. Khashoggi had come to our office instead of the Istanbul Consulate, he would still be alive! Of course, he might not have gotten service yet because our computer skipped the number he had taken from the kiosk…. but one should not be too picky. Welcome to Israel!”
As the Press Conference came to an end, Nava announced that the Interior Ministry has begun an Efficiency Campaign for speedier customer service….. led by experts from Israel’s High Speed Rail network.
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM
Jerusalem Navon Station: There were cheers and celebrations today in Start-Up Nation after a High Speed Train came, like, “this close” to making the Tel Aviv-Jerusalem run quicker than a “very fast” sherut. You see, the High Speed rail is something that Israel is quite proud of. Even though it took 18 years to build just 50 kilometers of line. And you have to switch trains at the Airport. And the first leg is on a normal train. And you are supposed to make reservations on line. But they don’t check. And the train drops you in the Jerusalem railroad station approximately 3 Gazillion meters underground. And the escalator ride to the top lasts longer than some Tel Aviv relationships. But anyhoo, today the ride was extra fast. So fast in fact that there were moments when it appeared that the train might overtake the Sherut (a shared minibus taxi) that had left Tel Aviv’s Central Bus Station at the same time that the train had left Tel Aviv’s Savidor Station. The Daily Freier went up to Jerusalem to get all the facts.
“We are quite proud of our High Speed rail’s performance today.” explained Israel Rail spokesperson Sarit K. “Our riders got here almost as quickly as people who rode in a van from the 1980’s.” Sarit continued. “In addition, we feel it isn’t very fair to make the comparison. I mean, we were up against Moti, one of their more aggressive Sherut drivers.” Sarit dropped her voice to a whisper. “I heard that he didn’t even stop at all of the red lights either.“
The Daily Freier asked Sarit if maybe High Speed Rail would aim for a higher metric than beating a minibus. “Today we almost beat a Sherut. Who knows, maybe in 2019 we will almost beat the Number 480 Bus.”
UPDATE: In an effort to make their High Speed Rail even more competitive with traditional forms of mass transit, Israel Rail announced that all trains will now play tinny high-pitched Israeli music from the 1970’s out of busted out speakers, display a weathered photo of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef on the dashboard, and have an old compact disc hanging from the conductor’s rear view mirror.
Judea & Samaria– Everyone’s favorite soldier-slapping Woke Poster Girl has a lot on her mind lately. You see, Ahed Tamimi has had a recurring series of very disturbing dreams this week. Instead of doing time for slapping an Israeli soldier, Ahed dreams that she slapped a soldier of an Arab nation…..and the Arab nation reacts by…..well, let’s just say she doesn’t get a free Mercedes in any of these dreams. The Daily Freier skyped with Ahed and she spilled some serious tea.
“So yeah, I keep having these really creepy dreams.” explained Ahed as she absent-mindedly texted with Al Jazeera. “I slap a soldier that I think is Israeli, but when he turns around, I realize that he’s a soldier from a Brotherly Arab Nation in Eternal Solidarity with the Palestinian People. And yeah, he kicks the shit out of me and sends me to prison.”
(The Freier is on Israellycool today. Go check us out!)