The Daily Freier first met up with Dalit and her partner Noga, who proceeded to explain that they really really wanted to plan a great after-party, “But we spent all week at the National Archives studying the Poetry of the Second Aliyah, and just never got around to it.”
Next we spoke with a marcher named Avi. “As a Gay Man, I just wanted to show that I also belong in a city with Zero nightlife.” he explained. “This city without a single decent club? It’s my city too.”
Avi’s friend Assaf concurred. “People think that being gay is just party party party…. but it’s not. Being gay should also mean living in a city where everyone is welcome at the Number One Thursday night activity……you know, drinking beer in a Shuk.”
The Daily Freier wanted to continue the interview but Assaf said it was 6:30 PM and “getting late” and that he needed to wake up early for tomorrow’s book fair.
Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: There was shock, confusion and blame in the city today when Gaza’s March of Return was diverted through Tel Aviv’s Pride March. LGBT organizers were left bewildered when Hamas militants emerged from the AM:PM on Bograshov dressed in rainbow bandanas, provocatively enjoying lolly ices and flinging their balaclavas in the air like they just don’t care.
Nobody knows exactly how this all happened, although residents in-the-know suspect there is some sort of tunnel on Rothschild. By the time the 200,000-strong parade reached Hayarkon, Islamic Jihad had its own float, waving kites and offering Molotov cocktails to the Bears. Meanwhile, at Charles Clore, drag queens had pinched placards demanding the right to return home. In 40 degree heat, their make up was running.
Miri Regev, Minister for Culture and Sport, profoundly stated: “I have no words, but as long as people are enjoying themselves…. By the way, Have you seen our new pamphlets?”
……Although there were some hurt feelings when parade attendees noted that a lot of the Hamas guys looked better in their GRINDR profile pics.
Tel Aviv, Sheinkin: I am sure my dad would be surprised at dating today – he met my mum at a Valentine’s Day disco in Liverpool – asked if she wanted crisps. She did. They were married for 40 years. Maybe it was Bamba.
Today, have we gone completely nuts? The gay world, literally. If a shared love of crisps belongs to a bygone era, at least let technology be accurate. As a sexual navigation app, it fails. Often.
Here’s Juan Carlos, he is from Chihuahua, Mexico. Oh. Does the Number 63 Bus go there? Can I use my RavKav? Waze says no. Once, someone in Cairo messaged me because his GPS said I was around the corner. Maybe we were once ‘one’ in Canaan. But in 2017? Not so much.
As the technological retreat gathers pace, they are now setting up special wards at Ichilov Hospital for people getting carpal tunnel syndrome from swiping through Atraf at 20 profiles per minute. I should know…. I was just in outpatients. Swipe, scroll, drool, click, next. I could not help marvelling at the talking nipples, zooming in on their bathroom mirror to see if they have used Windolene (you can tell a lot about places and people from their bathrooms, they say). And then, the Sears catalogue of the obligatory selfie at the gym – the new photo booth of the 21st century. I tried. Called someone over to help me lift the 50kg bar bell…….. aaaaand that’s why I was really at Ichilov.
“Host?” has become the new hello; the winky emoticon as close to a technological marriage as possible. I am rather partial of the little embarrassed one with deformed jazz hands. Spellings go out the window. ‘Have u got plans?’ Yes: You, Me, Shopping, Oxford English Dictionary. If you know how to use a comma, marry me. Just tell me what crisps you want at the wedding.
Wait, they’re playing great music now and he wants to dance! OMG pinch me! Not really a Cher fan, but this song is pretty good! And this guy has some amazing moves. Really feeling the vibe between you two right now. OMG do you think he’s going to try to kiss me on the dance floor? I mean, like, as soon as he finishes dancing by himself in the corner.
OK so he didn’t try anything on the dance floor. But that’s totally cool. Again, it’s nice to be with a guy who takes it slow. Wait, his friends from out-of-town just showed up at the bar. And they are all really cute! And not afraid to take risks with fashion! I mean, I don’t think his Canadian friend Steve is even wearing pants. Also, it seems these guys have been friends for a long time. Because they are acting really…. close. But that’s great. Just feeling really relaxed and safe with these guys.
So now the club’s lights are on and everyone is going home. Wonder when he’s going to pull a move on me. Wait, where is he? And where is his friend Danny? I just saw them, where did they go? Maybe he forgot his hat. OK, I will just wait for him outside.
This is ridiculous. Birthright are a bunch of damn liars. According to the brochure I should be riding a camel to a hummus restaurant with like two Army girls by now. But no. This town is crawling with dudes. If I wanted a sausage fest, I could have stayed in Jersey for the Summer. I just feel cheated. Especially because I talked so much shit to the bros before I left last week. And now I have no good stories.
And where are all these guys’ clothes? I don’t get it. I mean it’s hot out, but not that hot. It’s hardly June. And what do all of the flags mean? I just don’t get it. And why is everyone in such good shape? That dude over there is ripped. The cuts on his triceps and abs are ridiculous. I bet he lifts. I wonder what supplements he uses. Creatine maybe? I should go ask him.
Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: Employees from the Tel Aviv Municipality Tourism Office continue to distribute a helpful and informative pamphlet to our out-of-town visitors this week: “Is He Gay or Just Being Israeli? A Visitor’s Guide to Pride Week“. Tourism Office Spokesperson Galit K. discussed the initiative with the Daily Freier as we walked along the HaYarkon Promenade.
“We see this pamphlet as a true win-win. Sometimes visitors have a difficult time figuring things out here in Israel. So the city stepped in to help.” Galit pointed toward several men in Speedos on the beach play-wrestling in the sand and grabbing each other. “Do you see those men? Now a visitor might have a preconceived notion, but they are in fact just Army buddies…..who clearly wax and pluck……and have an excess of hair gel and highlights…..and appear to be listening to Eyal Golan……OK, I see your point.”
Galit continued to explain the initiative. “Do you see the two men over there at the cafe? One of these men owns Capri pants, loves to dance, has on a silver lycra tank top, and calls his mom twice a day…… And the other one is into dudes.“
Galit admitted that the “Is He Gay or Just Being Israeli?” campaign experienced a setback when the entire first batch of pamphlets were taken home to be read by frustrated and confused women who actually live in Tel Aviv, but that more pamphlets are on their way to hotels and hostels throughout the city. When the Daily Freier challenged Galit on recent reports that the Mossad is jamming the nation’s Gaydar, she quickly told us that she had another appointment and had to end the interview.
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: People all over town are excited to welcome new and old friends from the LGBT Community to Tel Aviv this week. In honor of this auspicious event Tel Aviv businesses are festooned with Rainbow Flags to celebrate an a 50% increase in prices. The Daily Freier spoke with Tel Aviv Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. to find out just what this is all about.
“Tel Aviv is a very special place.” explained Safir. “This is the only city in the Middle East where you can enjoy a beer for $11 regardless of how you identify.” Safir pointed to a pub displaying the Rainbow Flag. “And if you see the flag this week, rest assured that if you purchase a drink, you can purchase a second drink for exactly the same price.”
As Safir continued down Dizengoff Street, the Daily Freier noted a sign on a business that said “We are so Proud to Have You“. Safir explained that this sign was a result of budget cutbacks. “This sign was actually shortened due to funding constraints. The original design was ‘We are so Proud to Have Your Money.’ But we had our funding cut and had to improvise. Welcome to Israel.”
As we passed a local eatery, Safir said hello to her friend Yoni the proprietor. “We welcome everybody to our restaurant.” explained Yoni. “Stonewall, ACT-UP, Will & Grace…these were just steps on the path to me charging you 150 Shekels for a Buffet Brunch.”
As the Daily Freier ended the interview and entered a taxi, the tearful driver explained why this week is so special for him. “Tel Aviv is like nowhere else in the world. Today I am celebrating diversity by refusing to turn on my meter! But for 100 Shekels I can drive you to Savidor.“
Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Gossip is circulating in Central Tel Aviv of a potentially scandalous development, that the new bartender at that cool place off of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard is, in fact, heterosexual. Well-regarded bartender David S. has found himself subjected to a whispering campaign by his customers and co-workers. The Daily Freier Cultural Affairs reporter was on the scene hearing the word on the street.
“I just feel that there’s been a lack of honesty,” noted concerned patron Avi T. “I always thought that we had a good rapport. I even planned to introduce him to my Cousin Brian when he visits in late August. But last night after I got up to go to the bathroom, I’m pretty sure he started macking on my girlfriend.”
Co-worker Devorah C. was also looking for answers. “I’ve known David for almost a year and he’s just the best. But I don’t know what to think. Ever since I made Aliyah, my gaydar is way off. It’s like the Mossad is jamming it or something. I mean just last week at the Namal Boardwalk I was hassled for 10 minutes by a sleazy guy wearing capri pants. Capri……pants.”
As the Daily Freier departed , a German tourist with a goatee informed us that if David is in fact straight, he wasn’t last night.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.